[xoxaprilwine]

She is trying to turn her guilt on you and make you out to be the bad guy. Be the bigger person by not entertaining her texts while she is having her temper tantrums. If you have to change your number then by all means do so.

You don't need anymore drama from her and right now she is trying to push you out of your element. She did wrong not you but sometimes your family can be your worst enemy.

Should I return her needle point picture and painting portrait - I was holding on to it until she settled down into her own place but then said for me to keep them. I am not comfortable keeping them and I do not want constant reminders... should I wrap it up and send it to her?

[MUTU]

Girl please confront today without fail. Please Please. Even if you are wrong its okay.. it will kind of make you feel a bit at ease. If you don't, you may never know how far it will go, what if she gets pregnant and doesn't want an abortion? The whole family will go trumbling down... including your children and that child. Prevention is better... please do something before its too late. Wat if its not true... then you have nothing to lose. But what if its true.. girl work up.. this is most likely true anyway

[asking]

Dear XoxaApril,

I have been away from AMHD for a while and I was shocked and sad when I stumbled on your account of your husband beating you and trashing your house on April 26th. I read through to how you got out of the house and I was so relieved.

Now I see all this about him explicitly driving a wedge between you and your sister. This is classic abuser behavior. He is trying to isolate you from your family. He will then go to work on your friends, if he hasn't already. My ex also hated his family and hated mine, slept with my closest friend and then said it was to "help her separate from her husband." Just like yours says what he did was to "help" you separate from your sister and the rest of your family.

He will never stop abusing you. And when your children are old enough to understand his manipulations, he will begin emotionally abusing them. My ex tried to abuse my kids verbally when they were 1 and 2 but they had no idea what he was talking about. I still remember the first time he said something cruel to my 3 year old and the boy finally felt the sting of it--the look in his eyes.

There is no way you can have a happy and peaceful life WITH this man. You can stay, but there will always be turmoil like you are feeling now. I waited for 15 years for mine to "get better." Every year was a bad time for him "because..." He never did get any better, although he stopped hitting me. I left when my kids were 12 and 7 and REALLY wish I'd left a lot sooner. That's all I can tell you. My heart goes out to you because I see how confused and distraught you are.

I too spent a lot of time keeping my house nice. I think it was my way of maintaining some kind of order in my life--and also because my ex demanded it. He also kept telling me that other people were envious of me--which I always thought was weird. And yours says similar things. Constant mind games. They never stop. (In fact, my ex still plays weird games with me, but it's WAY easier to deal with him now. He has another victim- a steady girlfriend he's driven to alcoholism.)

I hope you go back and read the thread from April and think hard about whether being with him can provide a happy life for you and your kids. You deserve so much better. I thought I would be devastated and depressed when he finally moved out. But instead I felt euphoria for 2 months straight. I have never been so happy for so long in my life. When ever I'm down, I think about the fact that I'm not with my ex and it cheers me right up!

Rooting for you,
Asking

[Ren6]

Ho. Ly. Cow.
April, I just finished reading your thread from April 09... the one where your drunken husband had just beaten you within an inch of your life, and you were leaving him until he could provide evidence that he'd quit drinking and gone to anger management classes.

From this thread, I gather he's still drinking (your sister said she assumed he was drunk when he texted her) and now he's having an affair. Yes, he really is. He continues to disrespect you and you continue to stick around for it.

I suggest marriage counseling. If he won't go, go yourself. If he's still drinking, insist that he go to A.A. Insist upon anger management classes. If he does not comply, don't return to him. I think counseling would be helpful for you in particular, because I don't think you really understand what sort of insanity you're living in right now. It might give you some perspective.

You are the only one who can put an end to this.

I hope you grab the kids and get to a women's shelter. Take care...

[xoxaprilwine]

Asking, thank you for the time you have taken to respond to this thread and to the last thread. Thank you for sharing your story... I guess I am like what you where like; hoping for things to change. I am happy for you that you found your path in life... I think I starting to think of mine but I just need time to work it all out.

I think in my situation we have too many people placing stakes in our marriage and it has caused much tension in our lives (the last 4 years) starting with sexual neglect, then to mutual verbal abuse which resulted in some physical attacks (3 major attacks in 6 years). Not to add all the life changes (positive but stressful - adjustment). Now I am dealing with this situation with my sister... he was testing boundaries to see if she would cross the line (after his discussions with my sister and brother - they placed a lot of personal attacks and slandered me - he was trying to defend and protect me) and she was probing for more information to see what the intention was. Or, so I have gathered... my sister lashed out at me and I sent her a letter stating my opinion. We have resumed a relationship but I have changed and it will not be the same because I am not the same. I have this calendar that I picked up in January and it's called The 7Habits of Highly Effective People... seems that it was meant to be... everyday this calendar applies itself to my life and yesterday when I was thinking about my actions and possible contributions to the situation - it read this.

"Integrity in an interdependent reality is simply this: you treat everyone by the same set of principles. As you do, people will come to trust you. They may not at first appreciate the honest confrontational experiences such integrity might generate. Confrontation takes considerable courage and many people would prefer to take the course of least resistance, belittling and criticizing, betraying confidences, or participating in gossip about others behind their backs. But in the long run, people will trust and respect you if you are honest and open and kind with them. You care enough to confront. And to be trusted, it is said, is greater then to be loved. In the long run. I am convinced, to be trusted will be also to be loved." pp.196-97

I am the big bad wolf in everyone's eyes and I know why. If something happens - it is ALWAYS MY FAULT and I am always held responsible. I have principals, standards, goals, and we have the ability to really prosper/grow in every arena since we do make up for what each other lacks. It's about looking at each other with open eyes and seeing the truth inside us both, accepting, letting eachothers strengths shine and grow while assisting in the weaknessess. I project from myself what I think people want and need, little good intentioned deposits that become rejected. Hurt. I am open, I am honest, I am truthful, I am loyal, when I do something or talk to someone I enter wholeheartedly - so when a project/situation/relationship failes I am left extremely disapointed and that is not because I have expectations. I hold no expectations of anyone other then the expectations I have for myself and my responsibility to each thing. I am misunderstood, I am always misunderstood as people only hear part of what I say... they can't handle my honest approach, they can't handle conflict or how I see it "conflict resolution" and "communication" to find solution/balance. I find that when I associate with people of my own characteristics then there are never misunderstandings and the truth always prevails - not opinions - the dreamer or idealist. I always have to explain myself to everyone else to simplify everything to its core. I am a deep emotional person, I think and feel so deep... only one person in this world could understand me but they moved far away with family (16 year relationship).

He said that he just wants to be happy with me and the kids and wants people to leave us alone, financially, physically, emotionally, parental wise and maritally. We have been together through the best of times and the worst of times and a lot of people tried getting in between us for 11 years but the last 4 it has been trying for both of us. I do love him and I do forgive him. I am trying to establish schedules to everyone in my life - setting limitations - even my husband and I need space from everyone too... mommy down time.

All of this chaos initiated and is mentally and emotionally take its toll on me in every aspect - things like cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking and regular duties just take so much energy now... I feel like I could sleep all day and it's a good thing I don't have to worry about work until February. It's like I have been traumatized by everything and my world came at a halt... turned upside down and now outside in. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening to me - that it all serves a purpose in the end. I know it is horrible for me to stay when everyone clearly tells me to leave... but I can't and I don't want to... I just have this concept of what I would like my life to be like, my family, children, home. I don't know what to do anymore? Thank you for bringing some light into my thoughts... I will think about what you and Ren6 said.

[Ren6]

He said that he just wants to be happy with me and the kids and wants people to leave us alone, financially, physically, emotionally, parental wise and maritally. We have been together through the best of times and the worst of times and a lot of people tried getting in between us for 11 years but the last 4 it has been trying for both of us. I do love him and I do forgive him. I am trying to establish schedules to everyone in my life - setting limitations - even my husband and I need space from everyone too...mommy down time.

April... if your husband wants to be happy with you and the kids, why on earth is he texting sexual messages to your sister? I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but your hubs is just as responsible, you know? Don't let family members from either side move in. But be aware that your husband has serious addiction issues that won't go away on their own. I wish you only the best, and hope that things work out for you.

[Chey5782]

Yeah I don't buy it either. Don't make your decisions based on what you think he wants April, do them because it's right for you and your kids.

[asking]

All of this chaos initiated and is mentally and emotionally take its toll on me in every aspect - things like cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking and regular duties just take so much energy now...I feel like I could sleep all day and it's a good thing I don't have to worry about work until February. It's like I have been traumatized by everything and my world came at a halt...turned upside down and now outside in. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening to me - that it all serves a purpose in the end. I know it is horrible for me to stay when everyone clearly tells me to leave...but I can't and I don't want to...I just have this concept of what I would like my life to be like, my family, children, home. I don't know what to do anymore? Thank you for bringing some light into my thoughts...I will think about what you and Ren6 said.

April,
I know it's exhausting and I know everyone has to find their own path. It took until my kids were older for me to be ready to make the decision I made. It basically took me five years from when I first seriously considered leaving until I left. It took that long for me to make up my mind and gather my mental resources. It would have been harder when my kids were toddlers.

I just want you to know that from the outside, this looks like a really dangerous situation for you. If you stay with him, please don't move far away from family and friends (no matter how imperfect they are) because I personally think he's more likely to become violent again if it's just the two of you. You need a safety net of people around you. If your family are disappointing you, make some new friends. There are lots of people who can deal with someone who is direct, like you (and like me :)) The main thing is to not be isolated and to have people who you see regularly and who care about you. Everything else gets better once you have that.

[Ren6]

Also, if you have a five month old baby... well, that means you were pregnant when your husband beat you so badly back in April. It's lucky you didn't lose the baby. The guy has a serious problem.

[asking]

Also, if you have a five month old baby...well, that means you were pregnant when your husband beat you so badly back in April. It's lucky you didn't lose the baby. The guy has a serious problem.

I didn't actually count, but no, shouldn't the baby have been born in March?
Either way, pregnant or immediately post partum, it's bad. All the books say that men who hit pregnant partners are more violent than average. Even my ex was nicer to me when I was carrying his kids.

There's some biological basis for this. In men, prolactin hormone levels go up (along with estrogen and cortisol) when their partner is pregnant. Prolactin causes nurturing behavior in both men and women. So if a guy is abusive even then, there may be some physical problem, I mean besides just feeling entitled to control his wife (the usual problem). Sorry. I can be such as science nerd.

[Ren6]

I didn't actually count, but no, shouldn't the baby have been born in March?
Either way, pregnant or immediately post partum, it's bad. All the books say that men who hit pregnant partners are more violent than average. Even my ex was nicer to me when I was carrying his kids.

There's some biological basis for this. In men, prolactin hormone levels go up (along with estrogen and cortisol) when their partner is pregnant. Prolactin causes nurturing behavior in both men and women. So if a guy is abusive even then, there may be some physical problem, I mean besides just feeling entitled to control his wife (the usual problem). Sorry. I can be such as science nerd.

Math was never my strong suit, LOL! You're right, either way, it's bad.

[xoxaprilwine]

Update: Everything has settled down and I read too much into it; it sure sounds bad but looking at all the texts over the last 3 months I pulled off his phone after this - he jokes like that with "everyone".