[AlterEgo]

I don't really know what to say. I'm not going to react to all the posts.
I'm just going to say that I agree more whit always_hot, Superfed and Parwhore then whit all those people that say I know how you feel when I tried to kill myself... or I taught about killing myself to...
I'm know for sure that they don't know what I'm talking about.
Explanation: Someone said that I don't see how good life is. Maybe I can't see it completely but I see how beautiful it is and I keep destroing it. I have snakes at home and they off course eat mice, sow I breed mice to feed my snakes. But sometimes when I'm empty inside when I lost my emotions for a while. I just take a mouse and skweeze it to dead, the feeling of the life going away out the mouse makes my feel something again. I've done terrible things to those poor little mice. I stabbed them whit thootpics and set them on fire. I've cut a pice of skin from one and sprinkled it whit salt.
The worst thing is that I'm aware of al these things and that's the reason I ask if I should kill myself. So that I stop harming everything around me.

Now it's been a wile since my fist post and some things have changed. It's been some time now that I have done something like that again. But it's because I'm now some type of alcoholic, I drink until I can't move anymore and when I wake up I just drink more.
Sow this way I can't kill you right. Oh well it's also not good and my psychiatrist noticed and I argeed to let myself be committed in a psychiatric hospital. Sow now I'm just waiting to be committed.

I don't feel like writing anymore sow I'm going to stop now.

Ps: if someone is going to react, please keep your "belief in Jesus" and/or "God is your saviour" for yourself I don't buy that crap

[METERRE]

Perhaps the reason why some of us post about our religious beliefs is not to get you into thinking something that you don't believe or like. I think it's mostly because we tell of an example of what could help you. I mentioned God as an example that I have something(a belief and commitment) in my life that keeps me going on. That is the message I in particular was trying to send to you, having a certain commitment and belief in something helps me go on and try to forget the suffering and pain and to try to block any negative thoughts or actions. The point I tried to make is that you could if you don't already look for something really special, anything, and hold on to that and hold on to life. But I completely understand that your case is something that only those diagnosed with that or that feel what you feel can understand sincerely. Mostly what everyone else is perhaps trying to say is that they understand suffering and they understand what its like to get negative thoughts that arise, but I don't think they're really saying that they understand your reasons, causes, or ways that you think in particular or why you feel the way you feel. Unless they've been mentally in the same state you've been.
So in conclusion to my confusing and perhaps potentially misunderstood(or going to be) post, in all I just hope you somehow get all the help you need... and that you'll be able to control those impulses or bad thoughts that probably aren't a real part of your character. I think you have the desire to be a good person and that you struggle a lot with all that. So you should look forward to the good that life will bring you.

[catitude]

It's always your choice if you feel that you've been really bad to people/things you can make up for that remember the scales whatever you do will put weight on one side if you get too much weight you will sink if you don't you will float so what do you want do you want to sink or you can float personally I think your sick no offence but really from my perspective that is really bad what you did I'm just voicing my opinion I think you should find something that you like that is helpful and stick to it such as like helping people you probably don't want to do that so I guess you could get a job as a butcher... If you wanted because you seem to be into that sort of stuff I think you should get addicted to something that doesn't hurt anyone like sport or even internet gaming how about some Killing games like World of Warcraft if your into magic or some first person shooters if your into killing people... I think you should just work on getting a voice in your head that will tell you if what your doing is right or wrong you do know that the things you are doing are bad right? I think you should just make a decision We do care if you commit suicide but it was your choice you didn't have to do it no body made you do it it's totally your choice pretty much all of us here want you to stay alive but if you really feel that you're a bad person and you want to die you can but we would rather you not to I hope you make the right decision and I hope you eventually feel better about yourself

[AlterEgo]

Hmm I've been submitted in 3 different mental institutions
In more than the past year (end nov 2007 --> begin/half mar 2009)
The 2 first were closed (I couldn't just go outside alone) en sometimes had to spend some time in isolation
Not because I was bad
Just to take al the outside impulses away
And that was actually a very good thing sometimes I mis it so much
Now in the last I was like more free
Like working to get back to live amongst other people
I've been there like over 8 months
But actually
The 2 first weren't good for me
The first was more like a detox (don't know if you know what I mean)
To get rid of al the alcohol en drug in my body
I spend there like 13 dag
Normal max is 7 days
But because I had psychoses it wasn't really fit for me so I couldn't go to the next step of there program
And they didn't just wanted to put me back on the streets
So they searched something else
The secund was more fit they thought
I came there in an observation department
Were I sat with al kinds of people
From just depressed to people that thought they were like god or an angel
Or sexual assaulters and people that were so confused that they didn't know where they were and just kept asking for a taxi
I've been there for I don't know really how long
Because they drugged me good
It was just like: wake up, eat, therapy (stupid therapy like taking a walk, cooking something, drawing, listening to music and silly stuff like that) eat some more, some more "therapy", eat again and go to sleep with enough medication of course
And 1 conversation with an psycologist a week maybe 2 (very rare) and he did most of the talking
He had no clue what went on in my mind
And once every 2 weeks 5 min with a psychiatrist
Now anyway they couldn't find a department were I would fit in at there institution
So again after a couple months (at least 5 I think but totally not sure think more but I say 5 so at least I not lying I think)
They searched something else
There it was like better they did everything very carefully and calm
But there I was free to go were I want
It had taken me more than four months to start talking a little bit more to them and showing who I am
But there were and I think still are problems in there organization
Like half the people that worked there just left to go work somewhere else
There I just stopped all my medication (it was under my own control)
Except for the 2 weekly shot I got but eventually they stopped giving me that

Now before I was submitted (so like over a year ago) I really tried to kill my 2 best friends
People had to pul me of them
A girlfriend I tried to strangel and I tried to cut my best friend neck
But than later in that last institution I attacked the person that was my new best (girl)friend
But wile I was doing that she asked something like "what going on?" then I just realised and ran away back to my room

But actually now I'm not trying to kill people physically anymore
I just try to find ways to break them emotionally
And I remember al there weaknesses in case I need it later
Don't get me wrong its not gone I still want to be abel to smell, taste and feel people creatures dying
I just think I can control it more
O yeah don't get me wrong
I don't want to be this person that wants to feel you die in my hands
Its just there

So anyway now I'm not submitted anymore
I'm not better
I was just getting sick of al this crap in my life and my head (especially the last)
So I just left and now I'm somewhere in south-america
Like just ran off for a wile

But a question with my "i'll break you emotionally" theories
I made my mother try to kill her self
Now she is in a mental institution (don't know for how long)
I must tell you my mother is an easy victim
And actually I really think it's better for her to do
Then she's at peace and she doesn't bring the rest of the family down anymore
And look now she's there thing go better at home
Not that I'm there right now but before I left it was
I actually still hope she finishes the job
So back to the question
Am still doing bad by doing this?
Why can't my mother be free at last?
Wasn't her live bad enough to?
I do care about her
But she's just a big block that holds other people under water

Sometimes I think I'm really crazy
And other times it all looks so logical like I don't understand why not
Are there to many people?
We do pest control over animals
Why not also do that with people
Like a hunting season

Oh now I just see the last I wrote
I wonder: there must be people that are more sane in there head that think alike
Or not am I really that wrong?

I don't know
And believe me by reading al this you only know just a little bit of what's in my head
And the feelings I have
But there are things I can't even write down when I'm alone
And that are actually the things I want to fix first
I have never killed a human
But I think there are mutch worse things than wanting to kill and taste
If somebody is death there free from al this
And they get to know what follows
Aren't they the lucky ones then?

OK I think I have to stop writing cause something is starting to mess with me I think
Can be just my own head but you never know
Right?
...

[AlterEgo]

O yeah
I know I can't keep walking around like this
When I back I my own country I'm going back to that institution
I was making some progress but it just takes to long
They said maybe I can find something that gives me more direction in live
I like nature really allot and when I'm in the nature I have like more peace in my head
Not like ow now everything is fine but just a little better to handel myself
With the distraction of al the beauty out there
You can see it more like a break from that more than a year
And I'm not alone my sister is with me
And she is a psychologist too
And she also knows some stuff about me and how to deal with me in some situations
So it's not like I'm walking around alone without any from of control
Plus I still keep contact true e-mail with that institution

[Ren6]

When you were institutionalized, you mentioned that the psychiatrist knew nothing of your desire to kill and harm- you need to tell him, or another doctor! There might be some med that can help with your issues. Please go back to that institution and tell the whole truth of what is going on with you.

[METERRE]

I think the mind could be another realm in which every individual takes on the role of producer and director. If that was so, then it is in you to direct it... hardly can anyone else really do it for you. Drugs will never let you take your own control over your life or thoughts and decisions. They could be destroying your body in some way or another and not really helping the problem go away or get any better. As many mentioned above, a great start could peraps be to find several healthy passions in life you have, or just one great one that could take your mind off the concerning thoughts. However there's always need for more help. I hope you will find the right way to deal with all that.

[Megan2345]

You said that your mother was also suicidal. It sounds to me like you have a mental health disorder. I suggest seeking help from a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. There are a few treatment options for a problem like that. Medication to help control your impulsive urges and intrusive thoughts, therapy to work through underlying issues, even hypnosis. Things could be different I promise.

[Your_Friend]

Well I have to admit your story is very different. But it fascinates me. I can't really say that I have felt the same way but I despise my father too. He yells at me and it makes me want to die. I have thought about what it would be like if I killed myself and I can't do it because I can't see the people I love asking what drove me to do this and blaming themselves. What I do is I listen to music or I go take a walk and sit somewhere peacefull and just think to myself.

But enough of me, if you really don't like the way you are I would see a doctor or something. YOU are who you choose to be. So choose now. Do you want to hurt people or do you want to be a normal person? Talk to god and fill yourself with positive thoughts. Think of your dog. I once had a dog but he got hit by a car about 1 year after we got him. He was my best friend I know exacatally how you feel. Now imagine trying to hurt him. Can you do it? If so, I would get help but if you can't then that is good. You cannot ever imagine trying to kill him.

So, if you realize that what you are doing is wrong, that is the first step. I wish you luck and send you love. Please forgive me for the terribly long answer but I feel it is neccisary. Good luck!

[duh_know]

It sounds like you have mental illness that runs in your family an possibly some really traumatic stuff from your childhood.

You need to be honest about why your desire to hurt others and yourself is so strong.

Don't give up. There are good doctors out there, the only hard part is finding them.

There is a blood test (her in U.S.A) that can determine what anti-depressants won't work for you and that could be a good step forward in you feeling better and especially, not wanting to hurt anyone including yourself.

Best of luck and don't give up.

[sweetbaby]

Never think of killing yourself, you will go in the other worl verybody does, so just don't hurry because you can never turn back here. Think it twise before you do that.

[bananakinggg]

Forget your life.. forget your problems... create a fantasy and live it.. only to yourself