Originally Posted by AlterEgo
I have been fascinated by dead and suicide since I was very little. Before I was 8 I had already tried to die several times. I mostly tried by handing myself. But the ropes I chose weren't strong enough or I couldn't tie descend knot. Once I tried to jump out a window but someone pulled me back. I thought allot about it and I fantasized about being tortured, mutilated and killed. I also wanted to be a hiring assassin, I would kill my family (my dad for free) if someone would hire me. I would have been like my job but also my hobby. One time it was night and I was standing by my parents bed with a knife, I wanted to kill my dad. But I didn't he was so big and I so small. Even went he was asleep he looked angry.
I still fantasize about suicide and killing people. Sometimes I have these urges, it itches inside. Then I want to hit, kick, burn, cut, kill who ever is standing close to me or just seeing is enough. I want to kill my family, friends, everybody even my pets. I dream about it I sometime have vision-like experiences about it. Sometimes these urges and itches are so intens that I have to cut my self. When that happens I cut deeper then the other times that I cut myself. I cut pieces out my arm and eat them. Cutting calms me down a little but not enough to make it go away. So then I have to leave the house and stay away for a while, but because it leave without saying anything. They wonder were I am and call the cops.
I've heard voices when there is no one around, I have psychosis, compulsive thinking, schizoaffective disorders and I had alter egos. I have al this for a long time. I am seeing and I have seen a psychiatrist, a therapist and a psychologist. I have tried lots of medication but after a while it always came back. But with the last medication I lost my alter egos. And that made me feel extra bad. I missed them they were there almost al my life. I stopped that stupid medication but it doesn't come back. I still mis them.
Once I went in to a psychosis for a while, I was night I was walking on the streets. I had a knife with me and there was someone, I had pursued her. She noticed and walked faster. I was getting closer I felt her fear it was like it made me stronger. I wasn't thinking "this is bad, it's not right" I was thinking about how I would kill her, cut her, smack her head against the ground, the blood how it would smell. But she got away.
I have cut some kids from my class, not deep but it was bleeding. I hit one with a yardstick really hard.
The strange thing is people still seem to like me. Ok I hear a lot "freak" and "your sick", I don't blame them. There absolutely right.
Actually I already decided that I will do it. But I'm waiting for the end of the school year so that my brother and my sister can get there diploma. Normally I would get mine also this year but that doesn't matter any more. I didn't go to school last week to think and I don't like school. I noticed that there are lots of good and beautiful things in life. I won't deny that. Especially nature, it's full of wonderful things, I love it.
It's just that there is a part of me that wants to destroy, kill.
If I don't do it I think it's will go wrong one day and I won't be able to stop.
It has come very close to going wrong.
My dog he was crazy to he attacked people before looking who it was. We had to let him die. We tried everting we could think of. Lots of (professional) people got involved to save him make him better. But now he's dead.
He is cremated. Before the cremation I could see him again to say goodby. Went I saw him I felt him, he was happy to see supper happy he was nice he was at peace. It was like he jumped up against me. I love him, I love him more then anybody I know.
I hope I will see him again.
My mom tried to kill her self wen she was pregnant of me. I think it was me that made her do that or she made me so obsessed by dead and dieing or something tried to stop me from being born.
My dad already started beating me up since I was an infant, because I cried to mutch. He had hit me on the head.
I wrote al this to ask what do you think? Is there something I'm not seeing? Something crucial I mis? It happened before I sometime have my own world and I don't always realise wen I'm in there.
You can say what you want I won't mind. If you want to say something like "die and rot in hell" I won't blame you.
If you think that I deserve a chance in life but you don't know what to say that might help, don't feel bad about it I don't mind dieing. Wen I think about it I become more relaxed. It's like a part of me is already there. It feels good.
