[mckenzie134]

Thanks taliman the hardest thing is I know what the problem is but seriously this is my second long term relationship and I am 28.

I definitely started to think just before it ended last 8 months, was how have I possibly got a girl like this who is so good looking and everyone is after and I don't deserve to be with someone like that. How did I ever possibly get jher.

One of my mates who is OK with relationships told me a whil;e ago your problem is you think that you are no good and not worth it instead of believing that you're a great guy and she is lucky to have you. And he said you are and she should feel lucky too bee with you. But you know its hard when you go out places and people used to say how did you get a girl like that she's awesome. And I think it played on my mind and even at times when I was sleeping with her Id think god howd I end up with a girl like this wanting me!!

That's what I mean my dfropped my guard for the first two and a so years I was not thinking like that I was actually thinking she was too good but I did not want that too come across cause I new that would not be good. But as we went on longer and more people kept saying your so lucky I think I started to believe that I was so luycky and I don't no what makes me deserve someone like that and theerefore always think about losimng her and not being with her!!

I know this was no goood and I must believe I am good enough cause hell I get heaps of girls wanting me...

[talaniman]

To bad you can't see that when you need to. I would advise that you stay out of all relationships, until you work out your issues and get a good understanding of yourself. I know that should sounds really familiar. Why be insecure if you don't have to be? Be warned that all that good free advice from a lot of caring people should be followed now, as you know for yourself that the healing is a must, and no contact has to be stuck to. Remember you have nothing to prove to anyone, not even yourself at this point. Just the routine of work, and finding yourself is all that's important. If you can't afford a counselor (Check anyway) then a trusted older adult, or see if they have free counseling at a local church. Any one who can guide you through the process, of getting to the root of your insecurities, and showing you how to deal with it, and get over it. Keep us posted as you know you can always talk here, we don't bite, most of us. Much Luck!

[Jiser]

Have to agree here with tal. Insecurities must be worked on! Its so important.

[mckenzie134]

Wel I really was never that insecure maybe I became a bit insecure nut the fact was she made me feel like that in he end I suppose because she was so up and down she seemed to always talk about what she wasdoingin the future she never spoke ike "WE" do you think that is a problem. She never really said we aregoing to do this. I know people say youdont worry about stuff like that but cmon after 3 years youthink people would be talking about both people??

[brandy681]

First of all in order to move on with your life you have to accept the fact that the relationship is over, for good! That means not talking about her and not going to places that she works, even if your friends go there. Just leave her alone and move on, I know that you care for her but you cannot move on unti you come to realize that the relationship is over. I am just saying this because you will get your hopes up and get hurt again, it will take time to move on but just accept that it is completely over and do not call her or talk to her, time will heal all wounds and you will be feeling exactly the same before you met her and you will no longer be in the pain that you are in now. But if you have an idea of you getting back together you can't move on so she should not be playing games with you and vice versa. You will find another girl that will make you more happier than her and at least you haven't made nay huge mistakes yet like having a child with her, etc because now you have a lot to be thankful for and you can move on and find someone that will appreciate you for who you are.

[mckenzie134]

I UNDERSTAND YOU BRANDY BUT BEFORE I ME HER I Wasn't THAT HAPPY THAT IS MY PROBLEM. THE 3 1/2 YEARS I WAS WITH HER WERE THE HAPPIEST OF my life. I had so much fun and enjoyedall parts of my life. Nothingwa wrong in ourrelationship andshe just told me she doesn't know if her love is enoughafterall this time.she was a bit worried about deciding she watsto be with me and thenin five years ralising maybe she should havesoent some time on her own. Simple in the end she just isn't sure andfeels she may not love me like she thought. Longtime 3 1/2 years for he to realise that she told me I've been deciding this last year and well to tell me rightup until she broke up how great the relatonshipwasand then to spring this wow . Ho could she think like this maybe she did need time but she was never real emotional she said peoplejust get hurtwho show thereemotions. A great relationship and she doesn't know how she feels.

[brandy681]

This does happen a lot and you are not the only one going through this. I kind of feel that this is your first relationship or you would understand life a little better.. Okay so you have been happier since you have been with her, etc but you will move on. I was in a relationship for 4 years before and the guy called it off for no reason at all, it was painful because I couldn't eat and didn't sleep for a while but I eventually got over it. It was painful for weeks!! I kept saying to myself that I would understand and move on easier if I knew why I waisted 4 years of my life and why he would just break up for NO reason because there was no falling out or anything and we got along great. Now like I said I dated the guy for 4 years and during that time he did not ask me to marry him or talk about getting married. I talked to him about it but he would never say much about it. I should have known after being with him that he would not marry me but I guess I thought he would.



I think he did not no if he loved me either which is similar to your situation which is mostly lack of commitment, love, etc.. The second time something similar happened but in a year but he lied and said he needed space when he was cheating but did not say that. I found it out om my own. Finally boom I found the one that I am spending my life with because we are married and have been together for 6 years and we know each other. I have still learned to expect anything though, so since I think this relationship is going strong who knows what is in store for the future. People always think they know who they are going to be with for the rest of their life but it sometimes it doesn't happen like that because people change and relationships end or bad accidents, etc change everything.



I now realize that the other guys I was with, I really did not know them like I thought I did. You basically have to take risks in a relationship because you don't know if they are going to leave you or what is going to happen years down the road!! That is why I say that you should know if you love someone and I think someone that goes over 2 years without being engaged is un-commited and doesn't know if they want to be married. I know way too many people that have been dating for 5- 10- 15 years and have not been married or even engaged or have talked about commitment.




There are a lot of people afraid of commitment for what ever reason and things happen for a reason. Your ex may have fallen into one of these categories and you will find someone else that will make you happier than she can! I was happier being in a relationship then single, I think most people are and even though she made you happier than you have ever been doesn't mean that it want happen again because you will find someone else to make you even happier but you will have to find the right one and a person that you totally know and can trust to tell anything to, etc and you will find this again, I promice.

[brandy681]

Hi Mckenzie,
Also about the thing where you said that she is so honest and you don't think she would have cheated. You never never never can tell people. The guy that I dated was so honest and was even a youth pastor and he always said how bad adultry is but he cheated. I felt sick to my stomach and refused to believe it because I was in shock that the person I trusted would do this and I trusted him more than anything. I now know that anyone is capable of anything and it made me realize that the only one you can trust is God. This guy had never ever lied to me about anything and he really was honest in everything but this! Again I was shocked and he was a good cover up also, he never used my phone or his cell to call her and was so good at covering it up. I did not notice any other sign that he was cheating, accept he was dressing a little nicer at times but again I never kept tabs on anything because he was so honest and everyone looked up to him. Anyway it is truly sickining but I have truly learned to relaize that people are human and things happen for a readon but you have to move on.

[mckenzie134]

Yes brandy she does fall into the category problem was met her when she was 18 at first she said if she's not engaged by the time she is 21 that's it. But she is studying a 5 year uni course and well I know whatyou mean by engaged after 2 ears and I suppose I am 6 years older than her so I probably should have been finding out earlier what was ging to happenand looked after myself andwhat I wanted instead of thinking well she's still 20n so we can wait but on the other hand ithink I should have been finding out if she was committed and then not hanging around cause that probably suited her more. Relationship was great but I think I slipped into tha mode of not expecting anything which is exactly what you should dop I k ow now expect anything at anytime. But it seemedso great and she didn't say much aboutloving me but she was reserved and did say not long ago tookher about thre years I love you. I think that made it worse because I dropped my guard abit and thought everything wassafe when really she was evaluating our relationship all the time. She said I've been deciding weather I want to spend my life with youy for a long time now. That's why I get angry at myself because for some reason she was like she had the choiice and reallythere was no choice t all I hadn't even asked her anything probably cause I wasworried of not getting the response or feeling it wasntthe righttime but now I think well best for me to get a response I don't want early than a year later. Saying that a year ago she was totally all over me and wanted be so much but then even if we were engaged things could have changed just cause someone says I will marry you and you get engaged she could have still changed her min. Im leaving her alone now doing my own thin and see what happens. Hard to do but must be done. Should hve been done long ago. She still felt for me deeply and I shouldt have been thee for her I know that now. And probably new that then. She needed time and well that's what she gets . Who knows she may get someone ekse soon and the time she neded was all crap. She may have just lost intereset but dam girls change there mind over night. Justhardto gt her going from so happy and serious relationship and then nothing

[brandy681]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am not like that because I do not change my mind about relationships at all but I do still feel bad that I have waisted a lof of years with guys who are not committed because I know in the back of my mind that they were not committed. Maybe I am a little pushy but my first boyfriend would not tell me he loved me for a really long time and finally did but I had to beg him and that was wrong of me. Finally we had a falling out, we got along great and I think he cared and loved me a lot but he would not marry me, engage to me and had a huge lack of commitement. His exuses were we will marry soon and then he kept saying when we save money and when the money issue got straight he said that he is childish and not ready to commit and didn't know if he felt the same way. He basically lied to me all the years to shut me up I guess because he admitted that he was immature after saying that he was committed but lacked money, etc. I am sorry that you are having to go through this pain right now and I hope and pray that you can get through it to find someone that will care about you and be honest!

[mckenzie134]

-Thanks for that I know she didn't cheat and wouldn't do that. I know that sounds bad but she would leave first and then may find someone she is very attractive and has had plenty of opportunities but I know she wouldn't do that, she loves sex but I know she didn't just want it off anyone it took me a month to sleep with her she just wouldn't. I am going through a hard tome and just find it hard tat she could change her minsd so wuickly although she's says I was thinking ike that for a while. She wwould not move in together till we were married. She was so keen when I ignored her and didn't talk on the phone so often and she even in the last weekcalledant text all the time and wanted to see me.

Problem was even when we broke up she still wanted me to contac t and see each other andi know that was wrong she was just wanting to hold on to make it easier on herself and she would even talk dirty on the phone, I hve no doubt she loved spending time with me but as it was her first relationship she wondered ot about other guys but just wasn't sure if the love she felt for me was enough forever. Didn't miss me enough

[talaniman]

Morning Mac, I say it all the time, those first loves are the hardest to get over. For you both. One thing you may not realise, is that you both have changed a lot since you got together, and you being older see the world much differently than she does. She is at that point of defining her self and where she fits into things, and you've been there. As you've said, you were never happier and hoped it continues, but she was growing and seeing things for the first time. That's why you can't let go, because now you can't see or believe that it gets better if you unstick yourself, and heal and move on. As happy as you thought you were, you will be happier, no doubt so take a chance, and that 3 years was not wasted as you enjoyed it but this time now is wasted if you cannot move forward, and see what life has for you. No more talk of her though, you just have to let it go and when you do. This confusing world will get clearer and you can focus of what you want, but first you must be happy with yourself, and then someone will be there to share it with you, so roll out, my friend, your holding up your own happiness. What kind of work do you do, and what part of the country are you from, if I may ask?

[mckenzie134]

Im from australia I now work in the banking industry