Ask Me Help Desk - Thought it was done now ex is still round.

Well! Ive posted my story on here and thought I had seen the last of my ex and learned from many not to rely on a maybe. All she said after 2 months of talking was maybe this maybe that. Adventually I told her well you wanted to break up and she said yes Ive done the right thing. I said OK and that was it.

So I thought anyway were speaking the other night and she said to me I get sad sometimes at night when I think about you and think that you are no longer my boyfriend.

She works at a nightclub near me and the other night I went there with this new girl I know to have a few drinks with some friends anyway when I arrived I went up to get a drink I deliberately didn't get served by my ex cause didn't want any drama. Anyway got my drinks and while this was happening my ex came over and said hay! She said something and as she said that, the new girl I was with came over and put her arms around me my ex couldn't believe it she tried to brush it off but you can tell when people get that look. She kept looking over most of the time we were there and then when I went to get some more drinks she quickly came over and mumbled something like that your new girl.

I know I should not be getting involved with her again but I still have feelings for her and think she is the one for me. We had such a good relationship and pretty much when she left she said I love You but don't know if its enough to be with you forever, She said I don't know what it should feel like and I'm just not sure. Anyway I guess she realised it wasn't love and wanted to be single but well. it was all emotional and maybe she is feeling it now seeing me with someone else. Im not sure what to do. I know what would be right and that would be to move on.

She is so up and down and that's cause I became clingy, Im mixed up now and I know this is wrong but I'm thinking of getting back with her.

Anyone suggest anything here, am I wrong, If she had of cheated or something I would have known but she is so honest but yet I hate the fact that she wanted abrak in the first place how could she dothat to me... Im still hurting

Most of people in this website will advise you to leave her alone. BUT I think it is the lost game. Quitting is NOT great, it is actually just a weakness.

So in this post. I can see that you only mention about your ex-- which means SHE IS the one you love, not the new girl. ANd you saw her painful, means she loves you too. SO, GET HER BACK!! Don't quit! BUt yo have totake it slow, for her to realize how much you mean to her. Let her make the first move. Be patient and happy!

Wiat and see what happens. Both of you sound a little on the confused side. She's the maybe this or that. Yet she wanted to break up with you and at the time it seemed okay with you. Tell her how you feel and give her time to think things over. I'd also advise you to find another night club to visit for a while. That'll save on the uncomfortable feelings all around.
If the two of you are meant to be it'll happen. Sometimes we go through stumbling blocks before we find the one we want most.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lmnotok

Most of ppl in this website will advise you to leave her alone. BUT i think it is the lost game. Quitting is NOT great, it is actually just a weakness.

So in this post. I can see that you only mention about your ex-- which means SHE IS the one you love, not the new girl. ANd you saw her painful, means she loves you too. SO, GET HER BACK!!! Dont quit! BUt yo have totake it slow, for her to realize how much you mean to her. Let her make the first move. Be patient and happy!

I agree,
There is something you have to ask yourself before you commit to try to do something
Is she worth trying for? Are you willing to take the risk and chance it all? But remember to stay happy.

Confusion between the both of you is not good, space is needed to work around the feelings. It's best not to hope for the best. Its not easy to know which to do, friends with ex or NC. However we all know NC is the best option for healing and moving on with your life it just depends whether you can live with what if?

Why did you take the new date to a place that you know your ex works at? Was it partially to to try to make your ex jealous? You said you don't want drama, but is seems to me if you were trying to avoid it, you would have chosen another night club to go to. Seeing your ex is only leaving you more confused and upset. Wondering if the ex was jealous of the new date probably put stress on your fun night and probably put a damper on your new date's night as well because she didn't get your full attention. It doesn't sound like the best idea to have gone there of all places.

Well what am I supposed to do it is the club where all my friends go it is right near my house and what else am I going to do sit at home. I hadn't gone there for the last month cause I was avoiding ythe place but at the same time I was unable to see any of my friends. What should I be doing?? {ep[le on here told me to get busy and spend time with friends

No, don't sit home. That's not what I am saying. Of course see your friends. Just go to a different club or restaurant or anywhere that she doesn't work. If they are good friends, they should understand your situation and be happy to go with you to another club. If my ex showed up somewhere that I worked with another date, my first thought would be that he was purposefully trying to make me jealous and I would know that he was not over me in the least.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

Im not sure what to do. I know what would be right and that would be to move on.

You know what would be right, but you're not sure what to do? That's another way of saying that you're considering doing what you know would be wrong. Think about that. Has that ever worked for you before?

To add a thought to my post: I'm not putting you down for going there, McKenzie. It's just that when we are in the midst of hurting and wanting someone back, things seem like a good idea to us because we are not thinking clearly. What seems harmless enough when we are in the situation is seen differently by those who are on the outside looking in.

I speak from experience about an ex showing up where I worked with another girl because it happened to me once. I had broken up with a guy (because he was clingy to the point of borderline stalker) and he was angry at me for it. So after the breakup, he started dating a girl who already hated me (because I had went out with a guy that unbeknown to me, she had wanted to date) and purposefully brought her to where I worked a couple of times and I saw right through it. It didn't make me jealous or want him back. In fact, I thought even worse of him for doing it.

I am not an advocate of no contact to the point where you wouldn't speak to an ex if they wanted you back. If they are talking reconciliation, by all means talk to them. But if they are just trying to be your "friend" when there is no talk from them about or a chance of getting back together and therefore it is hurting you and keeping you stuck, that's when you need to ask yourself if it is in your best interest to keep them in your life or to see them.

Mac, Mac, Mac, you are so wrong on so many levels. You already know that talking to her is like a cat chasing his tail, even if he catches it, he is still going in circles and getting nowhere fast. Now you come up with the brlliant idea of making her jealous, which is the product of a confused mind, with an innocent not knowing what's going on. Revenge and using another as a pawn, will come back to haunt you. After all this time, you could have moved on. Not a very healthy, or honest way to do things. If you were healthy and in a calm controlled state of mind, I think you could have handled things much better, in a more mature way. Don't you know that it takes two to work on a relationship? One just won't cut it. Back off and stop playing games with each others feelings.

I understand that talkinggets you know where and inew that before my relationship ended but was unable to implement that when it did. I no just find myself feeling like I have lost in his situation which I ad so muchcontrol over but I pretty much hande tat control away because I started to fel a bit like I was manipulting things by doing certain things in the relationship like saying I wa busy when I was actually nt busy cause I didn't have much of a life and to tell you the truth I enjoyed doing nothing and just sitting on the couch and relaxing watching TV or just sitting around. The fact was this meant that I was to available so when she rang I just didn't answer or answered and said I was out with friends or at the shops hoping or whatevr just to busy. But then I fell into the well we been together 3 1/2 yers surely I don't have to keep this up if I'm free I can see her WROING WRONG WRONG on all levels SURE HER TOO MUCH and that was NO GOOD BACKFIRED and she says I need time on my own which I believe I is saying Im seeing you too often and sick of that.

Thatswhy I kind of decided to get her jealous thought I could dra back some of my control, which I had DAM so much of foe so long. Funy how you can ave so much control one day and nil thenext.

I read many posts on here and have also red how many people say but my relationship was disserent and so on and I SAY No they just think that all here are pretty similar. Well I have found and thought my situation was similar but from most of the relationships here when a girl wants a break nearly all the time there is another guy involved because for a girl too leave the relationship there has to be somewhere to place the emotion they are carrying. That's wy I feel like I stuffed it up cause my girlfriend could have a lot of guys but she left me and did not have another guy and still doesn't, whch I found hard because I could nt keep her and she could just leave and yet I knew what to doo but was not doing it prperly that's all.

She as told me she would never go from one relatonship to another cause you need to go into a relationship with no bagage. When we first met she had only had one other boyfriend for 3 monthsshe was only 18 and said you can't meet someone whileyouu are in a reltonshipa relationship neds to start when you are not with someone. HOW DID SHE KNOW THIS WHEN SHE HAD ONLY ONE RELTIONSHIP AND WAS !8. Now she is 22 and she saysshe wantsto be single to she is ready to let someone share her life. Yet she could be with me for 3 /12 years and then say "I love you but dont know if the love I feel is enough to be with you forever, I thought it woud feel differnt, I dont know Ive never felt the way I feel about you about anyone before "

Guess I'm just angry that now I realisewat se said when she dumped be may have actually been true and she neded to work out herself how she didn't feel cause she kept saying I don't want to make a mistake ith the person I'm going to spend my life with. At thetime I really couldn't see this but then maybe she is honest and did need time to know. I foundit hard though cause she said Ive been thinking this way for a while and yet there was no sgin of that and she was so cligyto me.
Suppose just thought I might be able to get her Back kidding myself AGAIN...
WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER TO UNDERSTAND IF I CAME FROM RELATIONSHIP LIKE SOME ON HERE WHICH HAVE A LOT OF DRAMA AND FIGHTING AND CRAP WERE YOU CAN SAY WEL HE WASBNT GOOD FOR ME iVE BEEN IN ONE OF THEM BEFORE AND I CAN LOOK AT T NOW AND SAY THANKGOD AND I DID THAT AFTER A MONTH.
This tome that's the hard bit, I knew what I wanted and set out to achieewat I intended to but really honest I had only planned for about 3 years of the relationshipand did not oplan muc sfter hat I guessed to mate a he start I said Ill go out and make this chick fall totally for me and after about three years ask er to mrry me, thougt I had it all figured, I got to the 3 year mark fine and plan was going great but really had noplan on the after that biy-t it wa prettymuch get to that point and then Im right well that's where my planningand thinking enede andi find my relationship ended after that leaving me upset at planning and achieing so much then letting it go to waste.

Soryy gone on tooo long well I sppose I still am trying to get her back and its been 10 weeks. Hadn't spoke for last 3 weeks. Just really feel like I lost at this game which I was winning and should still be winning. She pisses me off to cause se as canged a littl was so nice when se was with me now she's cold!! Ive got to get her back but I know its not right to case Got to WAKE UP That's WAT IVE TOLD EVERYONE ELSE...

Well Mack, I would have to say that you're upset that you lost all of the control that you thought you had. You manipulated her from the get go by just pretending to be busy when you really weren't. And probably in many other ways that you haven't mentioned (and don't need to). So, ask yourself... is it her you really want? Or is it getting control back over the relationship? Are you thinking it would be easier getting back with her than going out and starting the game all over again with someone new? Someone as honest as her (your words) has seen right through you and has decided she's had enough. You're better off moving on. You say that you're pissed off... I hope you're only pissed off at yourself and not at her. She didn't do this. She only realized that she didn't want to play your control game anymore. That's not what love is all about. Next time do it right.

She's an ex for a reason mac. This will only end up in more pain for you.

Who says she wants you back anyway?

Your focusing on the wrong things again. Forget her, forget this other girl your using and focus on you and you only.

I feel this is far fro over though. You are going to keep banging your head on the brick wall for a while to come yet aren't you? One day you will realise and be able to tell us we were right! I hope that day is soon!

Skell I already know that your right and what I should do. Trying to come to an end but I know where I went wrong in this game!! I gave myself in the end and boy I've paid the price not wanting to hurt her and always wanting to be there in the end has come back too kick me in the arse!! That's why I'm so pissed at myself and her she can't get the resson why she liked and then didn't like me as much, I know exactly why.

In the end I didn't play it properly skell, 6 months ago she dumped me for two weeks I got her back with some good tactical work disappeared for a bit and from then the relationship was firing she said she felt so great and told me at christmas we were destined to be together but stupid me took it too heart again and let her get close and made her feel great instead of making he miss me and do what was workingh for me!! That's why I get so pissed at this situation and its not over yet!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mckenzie134

Skell i already know that your right and what i should do. Trying to come to an end but I know where i went wrong in this game!!! In the end i didnt play it properly skell, 6 months ago she dumped me for two weeks I got her back with some good tactical work

Thats why i get so pissed at this situation and its not over yet!!!!!

Sure, games may work on and off for a while, but ultimately your partner will see through you. The only "game" you need to play when you are in a relationship is to genuinely be happy, have high-self esteem, be independent, and have a full life and interests of your own. This has to be real, not faked. This way you will naturally be busy and not clingy and obsessive and drive your ex away. Giving up your life for someone when you are in a relationship is a bad idea for this very reason. Not to play games, but to keep yourself from becoming clingy and overly needy.

You are starting to sound a bit obsessed here. You can't make her be with you if she doesn't want to. All the "games" in the world can't force someone to love you. As much as it hurts, other people do have a choice whether they want to be with us and we have to respect it. It reminds me of a quote, "what we resist persists" and you are doing some major resisting here. This situation will persist in driving you up the wall and keeping you frustrated if you keep banging your head against the wall.

All that good advice you have been giving others and the red squares, and your stuck chasing your tail. You must love misery.

If you have been playing games mac all this time with her then that's where you went wrong. Your mistake wasn't how you played the game, it was playing the game at all!

Relationships aren't games, despite what some people will try and convince you.

Sure in the beginning ill admit there is a bit of too and fro and some games played during the flirting stage, but once a meaningful relationship has developed then the games should be left behind.

Skell I may say games but really its not a game I am just saying to have more interests in my life. That is what I mean.

Taliman I think you are spot on, I do have a problem and that may stem from way back. For some reason its seems when I am most happy I need to feel misery.

This sound stupid but for some reason I always seem to like to end up that way. My relationship was going so well such a great one yet somewhere in my head I cannot explain it but for some reason I seem to want to end up miserable. I can't explain it but I wish this was not the case. But ever since the break up I have thought to myself why do I like to end up this way.

I hust never seem to be happy and tell myself Ive done a great job I always seem to do things to try and make things not work for me. I seem to like things to fail so I can end up complaing how bad Ive done.

I know this is definitely a problem Ive got and as I explain it now I believe its because I like to end up saying how badly I've got things.

Whereas in the past with her everything was great but for some reason maybe I wanted to lose her, not saying I wanted her to go but when she does I have something to moan and be down about. This may come from my dad who is very negative.

I guess only I can change this.

I am hoping you guys understand what I am saying, I really nwas positive during the relationship but I believe towards the end there came a time where I like to bad and like I ve lost her.

I used to listen to songs while I was with her and she wasn't around but for some reasons I always like the crap songs about How people left each other and how there all alone and I used to sit around imagining she had left when I was still with her. Don't knmow why I did this

I've heard of people who sabotage themselves because they don't think they are worthy of love or happiness. If that's the case a professional can guide you through the process of healing.