[griffin123]

How has her ill family member doing? That appears to be your main issues as she is distracted and distraught, and you are needy and insensitive, and very selfish.

How am I being selfish.. I always ask her how her parents . She sometimes try to get change subjects, like I said she's not good at telling how's she's feeling

[Wondergirl]

How am I being selfish.. I always ask her how her parents . She sometimes try to get change subjects, like I said she's not good at telling how's she's feeling

That's where empathy comes in. Put yourself inside her skin. Imagine your mother is very ill and even dying. How would you feel? How would you act? What would you want people to say to you to comfort you or make you feel better (if that's even possible)? How could this girlfriend help you in the best possible way?

[talaniman]

you are needy and insensitive, and very selfish.

What about needy, and insensitive? You are selfish because her "confusion" makes you insecure.

[griffin123]

That's where empathy comes in. Put yourself inside her skin. Imagine your mother is very ill and even dying. How would you feel? How would you act? What would you want people to say to you to comfort you or make you feel better (if that's even possible)? How could this girlfriend help you in the best possible way?

All right makes sense... But the only thing that comes in my mind , is will she breakup with me? (she cares about)

Do you think I should give her a little space to herself since she has a lot on her plate ? And I don't want to be burden? (I'm not asking for a break if she needsme I'll be there

What do you guys think? -->I'm confused :s

[Wondergirl]

All right makes sense... But the only thing that comes in my mind , is will she breakup with me? (she cares about)

There ya go again. Now it's all about YOU, not her.

Go with the flow. Let her lead the way, and tell her you are in her corner. Ask if there is something specific you can do to help -- or if you know of something, suggest it to her.

There last thing on your mind should be a break up. If she's texting you at 1:30 a.m., it doesn't seem like breaking up is on her agenda right now. She has bigger fish to fry.

Or do you want to get out of this?

[griffin123]

There ya go again. Now it's all about YOU, not her.

Go with the flow. Let her lead the way, and tell her you are in her corner. Ask if there is something specific you can do to help -- or if you know of something, suggest it to her.

There last thing on your mind should be a break up. If she's texting you at 1:30 a.m., it doesn't seem like breaking up is on her agenda right now. She has bigger fish to fry.

Or do you want to get out of this?

No Im not trying to get rid of it this...

That's make sense... I will go with the flow .and I should not mention anything just be normal then if she wants to talk about it . I should be all ears and give her comfort . is that what I should do?

[Wondergirl]

That's make sense... I will go with the flow .and I should not mention anything just be normal then if she wants to talk about it . I should be all ears and give her comfort . is that what I should do?

Three years ago I had breast cancer. I HATED the people who piled on me with tears and constant attention and clutching my hands. That all made me feel terrible. I wanted to go into a cave and pull a rock over the opening. I LIKED the normal people who acted normal with me and talked about their cats or books they had read or plan for retirement or whatever. That made me feel normal too, like my world was still okay. I wasn't avoiding my problem, but was glad to know and hear about life still going on beyond my problem.

Does that help?

[griffin123]

Three years ago I had breast cancer. I HATED the people who piled on me with tears and constant attention and clutching my hands. That all made me feel terrible. I wanted to go into a cave and pull a rock over the opening. I LIKED the normal people who acted normal with me and talked about their cats or books they had read or plan for retirement or whatever. That made me feel normal too, like my world was still okay. I wasn't avoiding my problem, but was glad to know and hear about life still going on beyond my problem.

Does that help?

Yes I completely understand now, thanks to your life experience :)... thank you very much (honestly)

What about needy, and insensitive? You are selfish because her "confusion" makes you insecure.

YES! I think what I'm doing wrong. You're
100% right

[talaniman]

Just pointing out the confidence that will come from being cool, calm, collected and in control of yourself and not react, or act out of fear that she will dump you. That would be my approach to your situation, so replace that confusion with understanding, and the fear with gratitude since you know she is confused at this time, so don't feed it.

The key here is stop questioning yourself, and her. Being dumped was never the first thing on my mind when making a decision about the way forward. If that's your only concern, you have a problem that has nothing to do with her, or her situation.

[griffin123]

Just pointing out the confidence that will come from being cool, calm, collected and in control of yourself and not react, or act out of fear that she will dump you. That would be my approach to your situation, so replace that confusion with understanding, and the fear with gratitude since you know she is confused at this time, so don't feed it.

The key here is stop questioning yourself, and her. Being dumped was never the first thing on my mind when making a decision about the way forward. If that's your only concern, you have a problem that has nothing to do with her, or her situation.

Perfect.. good idea... thanks you guys .

[griffin123]

I'm meeting her tmrw... you guys think I should just be normal around her.and let her talk about how she feels?
What if she doesn't talk about it? do you think I should at least ask how's she's doing?

Can you guys give me advise . When losing a family member

[talaniman]

Just be cool and just listen. What about the family member?

[griffin123]

Just be cool and just listen. What about the family member?

Do you think I should ask her if she's okayfirst
?


What if she doesn't want to talk about it ?

[talaniman]

What's even the purpose of the conversation to begin with? Closure? One last chance to get her back? FALSE hope that she will change her mind? WHAT'S the purpose?

[griffin123]

What's even the purpose of the conversation to begin with? Closure? One last chance to get her back? FALSE hope that she will change her mind? WHAT'S the purpose?

Today I'm only going to drop by her house just to see if she's okay.

What do you mean by close and false hope that shell change her mind?

[talaniman]

Closure is accepting you have been dumped, and start a healing process. False hope is the excuse of checking to see if the one that dumped us is okay and see if there is anything that can be salvaged, resolved, or fixed so things can return to the way it was.

When in this type of denial, a smile will get you convinced the feelings are still there on their part, and you will be willing to foolishly settle for being friends and staying in touch often and keeping them in your life. "To be there for them".

Hanging on to false hope you can be friends is a torture to you both, and creates constant state of confusion and distraction and delays even starting the healing process, and makes letting go even harder.

Of course she is okay. Ending a relationship is a change of heart and feeling, and she may not know or can't articulate why. That's what you really want to know. WHY she dumped you because of course you don't understand it at all do you?

She told you clearly her priorities, hopes and dreams have CHANGED. Her path to happiness just doesn't include you. She wants to figure it out without you for sure. And the path you are on doesn't include friendship unless a proper healing takes place. A hard pill to swallow, I know and sympathize with, so do what you have to do, have your talk, but you haven't listened so far, and I doubt you will until you are sick and tired of the self inflicted pain misery and confusion.

That's why I question the notion of seeing if she is okay, because we both know that's NOT the real reason for this meet up. You just are not ready to close that door on your life, and disappear, and leave her alone. I get it.

[griffin123]

Closure is accepting you have been dumped, and start a healing process. False hope is the excuse of checking to see if the one that dumped us is okay and see if there is anything that can be salvaged, resolved, or fixed so things can return to the way it was.

When in this type of denial, a smile will get you convinced the feelings are still there on their part, and you will be willing to foolishly settle for being friends and staying in touch often and keeping them in your life. "To be there for them".

Hanging on to false hope you can be friends is a torture to you both, and creates constant state of confusion and distraction and delays even starting the healing process, and makes letting go even harder.

Of course she is okay. Ending a relationship is a change of heart and feeling, and she may not know or can't articulate why. That's what you really want to know. WHY she dumped you because of course you don't understand it at all do you?

She told you clearly her priorities, hopes and dreams have CHANGED. Her path to happiness just doesn't include you. She wants to figure it out without you for sure. And the path you are on doesn't include friendship unless a proper healing takes place. A hard pill to swallow, I know and sympathize with, so do what you have to do, have your talk, but you haven't listened so far, and I doubt you will until you are sick and tired of the self inflicted pain misery and confusion.

That's why I question the notion of seeing if she is okay, because we both know that's NOT the real reason for this meet up. You just are not ready to close that door on your life, and disappear, and leave her alone. I get it.

Its gonnah be hard... what if she ask just a little space on her own? What does that mean?

[talaniman]

You are going to have to ask her what she means. No one else but her knows.