[JudyKayTee]

I'm coming in late, but there were warning signs - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...me-664773.html

[daniigirl]

My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years now and we have a baby together, our sex life has been all over the place the past two years from very active to non-existent to finally back to happening on a fairly regular and consistent weekly basis. The issue I am facing is ever since my last trimester of my pregnancy I've had a hard time finishing, so now after my sons been born and we are going on 9 months post partum, I have the issue still, but only with my partner. I want to clarify that my boyfriend isn't bad at sex, but some of the things foreplay wise just don't feel good to me at all. For one thing, I have a very hard time finishing any other way besides oral sex and he seldom ever goes down on me and when he does, he never finishes me and doesn't solely focus on my clitoris, when he tries to rub my clitoris with his fingers, he's too direct with how he does it and I'm instantly overstimulated and I have to push him away because it doesn't feel good. I have attempted in the past to discuss this with him, but it always comes across the wrong way, I just want him to listen to what I say feels good and only do those things not anything else that either hurts, overstimulates, or makes me lose and climax I had building, how do I talk to a man about this without him feeling like I'm attacking his manhood and saying he's bad in bed? He's not bad in bed at all there just isn't enough time spent focusing on my satisfaction and doing the things that make me climax. Because he doesn't do those things only it takes forever and then he doesn't want to do it anymore because he's discouraged.

[talaniman]

Reading your other posts and knowing of your over all frustrations in this relationship then its no wonder since it's a lack not only of communications but cooperation also. You are not a couple bounded by building a foundation for the future, even though you have made a baby.

Mostly it seems to be you both are on separate pages. If you are afraid of being honest with your partner about sex, why even do it? I don't know how you learn better talking and listening to learn and understand this constantly distracted fool you have a baby with, but for sure you should focus on your out of the bedroom problems that are clearly affecting how you relate to each other in general. If that's not good, then lust suffers greatly.

He has different priorities than you do. In and out of the bedroom. Actually being a good partner is NOT his priority at all at this time, even though he is going through the motions, his real commitment isn't on you.

Sorry, but you better rethink your strategy a bit.

[daniigirl]

Reading your other posts and knowing of your over all frustrations in this relationship then its no wonder since its a lack not only of communications but cooperation also. You are not a couple bounded by building a foundation for the future, even though you have made a baby.

Mostly it seems to be you both are on separate pages. If you are afraid of being honest with your partner about sex, why even do it? I don't know how you learn better talking and listening to learn and understand this constantly distract fool you have a baby with, but for sure you should focus on your out of the bedroom problems that are clearly affecting how you relate to each other in general. If that's not good, then lust suffers greatly.

This is true, however, our relationship has gotten better as time has gone by, we have overcome a lot in a very short amount of time and we are now doing what we should have done in the very beginning, which is learn about one another. I don't think it's a lack of honesty that's the issue, more of a lack of effective communication, as you stated. Being able to discuss matters, but also do them in such a way that does not insult someone and that is perhaps one of the most difficult things that we face. Certain topics are not to be discussed because of the way they are interpreted. I'm much the opposite in this case, I would rather discuss anything and everything because it helps me to understand him and the things he wants and needs better and allows me to grow and change with the relationships best interest in mind. I'm not sure if its how I've gone about things in the past that turn him off from wanting to have open communication like that now or if me being honest is what the overall issue is, if you can't hear the truth because it offends you, well, ignorance is not always bliss. And sex is a pretty big and important part in a relationship where two people should most definitely be on the same page.

[talaniman]

If he isn't willing to share and explore, which he doesn't seem to be, then you are stuck with decision in your own interest that may conflict with his own agendas, or comfort zones.

That's tough.

[daniigirl]

If he isn't willing to share and explore, which he doesn't seem to be, then you are stuck with decision in your own interest that may conflict with his own agendas, or comfort zones.

That's tough.

So perhaps a better question would be,is there a way I can get him to open up more to me and share more? How do we communicate better?

[talaniman]

I think starting with reasonable boundaries and better choices of what you allow from him that's not so reasonable is the first thing for you because you can only control what you do.

I mean I think you wrote that he is really into his schooling and you live apart. Surely you need a life without him outside your mothering. Just to give your reality a better perspective and lessen what I see as an emotional dependence. I mean you seem to be lousy sex buddies after your child was born so stop being sex buddies and try to be friends.

Often after lust there is no love to grow, and that's a reality to face. Takes two of equal commitment to make a plan and work it. He ain't there with you on that level so back up and give yourself different outlets as an individual rather than a couple. Long story short, stop catering to him so much. He is selfish, and you could be selfish a bit too. At least be happy without him and his clumsy attempts at love.

[daniigirl]

I think starting with reasonable boundaries and better choices of what you allow from him that's not so reasonable is the first thing for you because you can only control what you do.

I mean I think you wrote that he is really into his schooling and you live apart. Surely you need a life without him outside your mothering. Just to give your reality a better perspective and lessen what I see as an emotional dependence. I mean you seem to be lousy sex buddies after your child was born so stop being sex buddies and try to be friends.

Often after lust there is no love to grow, and that's a reality to face. Takes two of equal commitment to make a plan and work it. He ain't there with you on that level so back up and give yourself different outlets as an individual rather than a couple. Long story short, stop catering to him so much. He is selfish, and you could be selfish a bit too. At least be happy without him and his clumsy attempts at love.

That's a lot easier said than done, I'm a full time student and mother, trying to balance a social life on top of all that is practically impossible. He gets the opportunity to go out with his friends and I just don't have that same opportunity because when I'm not at school I'm at home with our son and when he's down for the night, I have homework to get done. It's a struggle because really he's the only person I get to see outside of being on campus. When you have a baby young, your friends seem to drop off the face of the earth, not so much because of their lack of being good friends, as much as their lack of understanding and my lack of time to maintain the relationship. It's very lonely most days and my relationship with my sons father, however dysfunctional it might be at times, means quite a bit to me. I still do suffer a great deal of insecurity issues from past problems as well as trying to find happiness with myself after having a baby, I really don't believe he has eyes for anyone else, not to seem like the naïve girlfriend, but I think he's at a fair understanding that if there was infidelity in our relationship, his relationship with his son would change a lot as a result of us no longer being together and him living with me full time. That's not to say he could be feeling differently towards me, but I do believe that he does genuinely care for me even if he doesn't always know how to show it. He has practically no relationship experience so in a lot of ways our relationship is a work in progress because he's constantly learning what it means to share your life with someone after growing more comfortable with being single and not having to focus on anyone else's feelings. Not to discredit him, I know I have a track record on here that illustrates a relationship with a man who could careless for me, I don't really believe that is the issue. I think we have had a lot of very adult problems in a relationship neither of us went into expecting to be as serious as its become. He has changed a lot and although there's still much that needs to be worked on, it's a lot better tan it used to be. He is very much a closed book and doesn't like to talk to anybody about how he feels, what's going on in his life, etc.. not even with his close friends. He's probably closer to me in this aspect than he is with most people in his family, but the lack of ability to fully discuss anything does harm our relationship at times. He's a wonderful father and is growing into a better partner, but it's a slow gradual change. My most recent question was asked because I have a tendency of stating my feelings in such a way that makes him feel like he's a failure or that he isn't good enough and it seems no matter how I try, it comes across that way.

[talaniman]

Sometimes though you have to backup, or slow down to let a lagging partner catch up. It is a slow gradual process.