[talaniman]

Yeah I know my way wasn't working but it was more torture being in limbo than where I am now.

Being in limbo is a choice, torture is an option. You can opt out of them both whenever you want to.

[rickytarr]

Ok so I've gone just under a week without contacting her. It's really difficult. Every time your low you feel the need to get in contact with that person. She has not contacted me either, which in truth annoys me. Do I just try to make a clean break or give her a little more time and then try to contact?

[talaniman]

Its only been a week so the feelings are still fresh, but focus on doing your own thing, and the things you enjoy, and see how you feel in 6 months.

That's the goal, 6 months of NC!!

[rickytarr]

Thanks for your advice. I had a bit of a nightmare situation. I was out with my friends on Saturday night and I ended up bumping into one of her friends. They were saying how depressed and lonely she has been acting since this happened and how they can see us getting back together as its obvious we love each other. The next day I was shopping in the supermarket and she was there. I genuinely didn't know or even think there was a chance of seeing her as this is not the one she often goes to. She gave me a big hug and we chatted for 5 minutes. Then it got into the conversation about us. I told her I was in love with her and wanted thisto work. She said that she loved me but was unsure whether she was in love with me. She then started going on about how eerything that happened with texting another girl has just confused her to which she doesn't knoww what she wants. She said the only thing that is certain is that she doesn't want this right now. We kind of ended that conversation badly. I text her saying I never wanteed to argue and she said that maybe she feel differently one day and that she hoped I was OK. I stupidly sent her a text saying I just wanted to be with her, from which I never heard a reply. I'm unsure of what to do next. Should I maintain no contact and try and get over her? She is all I think about.

[talaniman]

She said the only thing that is certain is that she doesn't want this right now.

Pretty obvious to me, why can't you see that?

[DoulaLC]

Rickytarr... it is so hard to let go of a relationship when you are wanting it to work out. If she was interested in getting back with you, she would do so. She is unsure of what she wants, so best to let her be so that you both can move on. Who knows what time may bring, but waiting for her to come back to you does neither of you any good.

You have made it clear to her how you feel, now it is time to leave her alone... as difficult as that may be. Of course you think about her all the time, that is perfectly natural. You can't expect to just stop, but you will likely find it helpful to try and focus your thoughts elsewhere. Work, school, friends, family, trying something new, exercise, whatever. Yes, she will come into your thoughts now and then, but don't take that as meaning you have to be with her. Little by little, you will move on. Give it time... expect some good days and bad days, but it will get easier.

[rickytarr]

Quick update on how its going. Managed to go 2 weeks NC then sent a silly text only saying 'Coffee this weekend?' on Friday. She replied saying a time. I didn't text back. I then saw a picture of her laughing with another guy. This made me feel sick and I decided that meeting up was not a good idea. She asked why and I said that it seems like she is doing OK from the pictures and I genuinely wished her all the best for the future. She then sends me loads of texts asking what I meant bla bla, to which I just responded seen the pictures and we over now and I'm done with this relationship. The next day she tries to ring me 9 times. I didn't answer or contact her back once. This was yesterday. It's weird because I now have a feeling of being able to walk away from this knowing I did everything I could to save it and ultimately it was her who chose otherwise. The truth is I do love her and used to respect her. I just can't do with her mind games. My next question would be how do I proceed? Like I said I do really love her but also don't want to be with someone who has put me through what she has. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as always.

[talaniman]

Go back to NC, and don't break it this time, and stay off any social network pages. Its not her fault you are stuck, and she is doing her thing. But it does show you have much healing to do yet, so get to it.

[mmresd]

You don't have the confidence that you are the one she wants anymore? It is obvious that you are not the one she wants anymore, that is why there was a break up. However, it is time to move on, you have done a decent job at going no contact, keep this up. Let her feel the loneliness of her decision, the partying is just a front to make herself feel better, you do things to make YOU feel better, she will survive on her own. Also, concentrate on your courses, they should be your priority at this time. You are hanging on in the past and you being used to how things were, it is time for a fresh start.

[rickytarr]

Quick update on how its working out. She continued to keep calling me last week. It was 10 phone calls a night for 4 nights, all of which I ignored. She then started ringing my home asking my parents where I was. She eventually tricked me into answering the phone. She called from an unknown number and from the nature of my job I get a lot of calls from unknown numbers, so I had to pick up. She then starts shouting at me down the phone etc. I keep calm and say that this is achieving nothing. She then hangs up, sends me a couple of insulting texts and I didn't here from her again for a week. I didn't reply or text her in this time. She then texts apologising but saying that she was not happy I would only talk to her on my terms. She then tries to say how she would never treat me the same... bla bla bla. I didn't allow the argument to continue. I kept calm and told her that this was ultimately her decision and now I'm trying to get on with my life like she has been for the last 7 months. She then invites me to go to a gig next week. I say I'm away (which I am) and she gets angry yet again. Im pretty sure this relationship is past salvaging. I do love her but I really think she needs to grow up a bit and realise you can't talk and treat people the way she has. Obviously Im still having some bad days when I think about her but I'm trying to stay strong and ultimately attempt to get over her. She is just playing games right?

[talaniman]

Sure she is. Its called having her cake and eating it too, keeping you miserable, confused, and available for her emotional needs, while not having to meet yours.

You done good grasshopper. There is hope for you, and NOT just the false hope she wants you to go for.

[rickytarr]

Quick update on my situation as need advice. I was doing really well, hadn't spoke to my ex in a while and was beginning to get myself sorted. I have met a nice girl who I really like and really likes me and things are going well. Then I get a phonecall from my ex, we had to sort out our savings as this was still not done, so I answered the call. Organised the savings, very formal phonecall. She then tells me that she is having tests as they may think that she has cancer. This is an awful thing to hear but I have an awful feeling that it isn't true. Now if it isn't true then the best thing that could have possibly happened to me was getting out of the relationship, but if it is how do I deal with it? I want to be there for her during this but it does not change that we are not together anymore and might as well be complete strangers. Rock - me - hardplace. Any advice would be great.

[DoulaLC]

Continue as you have until you hear more of what may or may not be going on. IF it turns out that she does have cancer, it doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. You can be supportive and caring from a distance.

IF you find out that what she has said isn't true, then, as you said, you'll know that ending the relationship was the best thing.

[talaniman]

Okay you sorted out your finances with her, end of story. You are not caught between a rock and hard place, your feelings are, so deal with the feelings, and leave the girl ALONE!

You are no longer her emotional tampon where she gives you bad news, and you help her through it.

[rickytarr]

Quick update. Turns out that it she is going to be fine and the cancer was removed. I have met someone new and I really like this new girl. The only problem is that I keep thinking of my ex, it just doesn't seem to stop. She contacts me now and again by text, mainly which I ignore. She then rings me from an unknown number and we end up chatting. I really love her and wish so bad that things that had worked out diffferently. I know she loves me and I do her but there is no way that we can work this out. Its like she doesn't want me but can't let me go. How do I stop thinking about her? I don't want to mess the new girl around as she is great and does not deserve it. I also know that I will only probably get one chance with this new girl so don't want to mess it up. What should I do?

[talaniman]

Old feelings will always be stirred up as long as you have any contact, or conversations with her. That's how it works, so cut contact, and the feelings will fade. Don't answer those unknown numbers, let them go to voice mail/message, so you can screen them properly.

No matter how bad you want to move on, its going to be a while before the memories of this 6 year relationships fades. Stay busy, stay focused.

[DoulaLC]

In addition to what talaniman said, you could also just tell her to please not contact you anymore. Let her know that you have moved on, you are seeing someone new, and then wish her well.

[rickytarr]

Funny how time is a great healer and looking back gives you fresh perspective. I'm now engaged with my first child just having been born to a girl I consider to be everything I have ever wanted or do want. The relationship described above, although long and painful set me up for the best relationship in my life. I haven't seen or heard from the above girl for 2 years and honestly could not care less. Thank you to everyone who tried to help me through a difficult time. Life is good!

[talaniman]

I love it when the plan works out for the best. Thanks for the update.

[DoulaLC]

Congrats! Yes, time is certainly a great healer... enjoy that new baby!