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PNWGuy · Mar 5, 2009, 10:38 AM

I’m a middle aged divorced guy who has been with Jen for 4 1/2 years. She is two years younger than me. I’m trying to decide if this relationship should continue or not. The issue is, she has never said she loves me. A year ago she said that she cares about me, but does not love me. Yet she seems satisfied to live with me and be in this relationship.

Three months after we met, I told her I loved her. (OK, I was too quick to say that). She replied that she could not respond the same way at this time.

After 6 months she asked if she could move in with me and we have lived together since. Again I told her again I love her. No response in kind. So I took the hint and backed off, but over the course of 4 years I’ve periodically told her I love her in different settings – over dinner, while having sex – still no response. I complement her several times a week.

We get along fine and have good sex. But over time my one-way expression of love got old, and my interest started to drop a little. Six months ago she was very unhappy because we “never go out”. I replied, “Why do you want to go out? You’re not into me”. This brought up a difficult discussion where she talked about being verbally abused by her ex-husband and having low self esteem for many years. She also hinted that she feels like she needs some therapy, but didn’t go into the reason why. She said that she cares about me, but is not in love with me. She asked if I was trying to break away and my response was, “I deserve to be with someone who loves me”. A day later she asked if we could still live together even if we broke up because it was a good arrangement financially for both of us. I was shocked at that statement and told her I was not interested in having a roommate arrangement.

Over the next couple of months we started going out more and during one “date” she told me she was very happy. That’s the most positive statement I’ve received so far.

This Valentine’s Day I sent roses to her work. In return I got a piece of chocolate – no card.

She seems OK with this kind of “friends with privileges” relationship. She does back away from emotional intimacy however. She likes sex but at the end often says, “That was fun”, turns away and goes to sleep. We’ll that nice to hear but I’d like to engage in some romance.

At this point I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if I bring it up “relationship” issues again then I won’t like what I hear. And I’m afraid if I try to break it off, she may just tell me what I want to hear so she can continue the relationship as-is.

I think 4 ½ years is more than enough time to decide if you love someone. What puzzles me is, from her perspective, why would she want to live with a guy she doesn’t love? She can certainly afford her own place if she wanted that.

Justwantfair · Mar 5, 2009, 10:45 AM

Sounds to me like she just is comfortable in this arrangement. Friends with benefits. No emotional commitments, if she doesn't love you and you leave her then it won't hurt.

You have given A lot of time and energy for this relationship that she takes for granted. It doesn't help to give ultimatums that you don't plan to back up. If you don't mean it - don't say it. I think it would be difficult to walk away from this long of a relationship, but for all this time and she doesn't love you, I think you have to do this for yourself. Maybe some self evaluation is just what she needs to figure out how she truly feels about you.

I think you need to sit down and tell her how you feel. Tell her that the arrangement DOES NOT work for you and if you make any ultimatum you MUST stick with it. Only the two of you can decide where to go from here.

PNWGuy · Mar 5, 2009, 04:30 PM

Yes - she is comfortable with the status quo. Neither of us wants to re-marry, so it's not like I'm pressuring her into a whole different type of arrangement. I simply want to be with someone who returns my love.

I don't like giving or receiving ultimatums, but I need to make it clear that its time to decide if we're moving forward.

Any other opinions? Ladies?

Justwantfair · Mar 5, 2009, 05:06 PM

Moving forward, you want for her to tell you she loves you.

The fact is she can't force that and if she doesn't love you after 4 1/2 years, it's not going to happen.

If that is your next step, you are not in luck.

artlady · Mar 5, 2009, 05:16 PM

It sounds like she is playing a head game but with herself.If she doesn't express her love for you,you can't hurt her emotionally.
It a self defense mechanism .
If she thinks she needs therapy,she should get it.

You need to accept what she can and can not give you at this time or move on.You seem to have all the makings of a relationship except the verbal declaration of love.

You must communicate.State what your expectations are (reasonable) and see if you can come to a compromise that you both can live with.

I think therapy does sound like a good idea,I would pursue that.

On an up note,she is not misleading you,she is giving you what she can.

PNWGuy · Mar 5, 2009, 05:58 PM

Artlady - your points are well taken. She is truthful, sometimes to the point of pain, but I'll give her credit for answering when asked.

We do have all the ingredients of a "normal" relationship except the "verbal". Some might ask why a man needs a verbal re-assurance. I guess because the lack of it leaves doubt and uncertainty, and leaves me guessing if it's all just for convenience.

I wonder if it’s me, or if she has always been afraid to love. She told me the only reason she originally got with her ex-husband is because he followed her when she left the state at age 25 to live with her cousin. She said after hanging out a while they just stayed together and eventually had two kids.

I do need get this resolved and perhaps I should ask her what she meant about needing therapy. If counseling will help her with some past or present issues, I'm all for giving her that chance. If we need couples counseling I'm all for that too. But if she just wants to remaining in the "friends with privileges" relationship then I need to make a decision.

All input and opinions are appreciated.

artlady · Mar 5, 2009, 07:11 PM

I wonder if it's me, or if she has always been afraid to love. She told me the only reason she originally got with her ex-husband is because he followed her when she left the state at age 25 to live with her cousin. She said after hanging out a while they just stayed together and eventually had two kids.

It sounds as if she has had this sort of difficultly in the past.Perhaps there is something from her childhood that caused her to shut down emotionally.I think if love and understanding were the only things she needed to get better ,then your commitment to her should have done the trick.
This sounds like something best left to a professional.

talaniman · Mar 5, 2009, 07:27 PM

She seems happy, given what you've written, but I am a bit confused as to what you specifically want from her. Her actions should speak for her in this. If that's not enough, its reasonable to ask what she sees as a future, to give you something solid to consider.

There are many people who are not that demonstrative with their feelings and she sounds like on of those people, but that doesn't mean she isn't honest.

Another thing to consider is her kids, how old are they? She might be reserved to protect them, as well as herself. Just something to consider.