[Homegirl 50]

How is your search going for counseling?
You probably won't have another relationship with him, but it does not mean you won't have another relationship, but first you need to get a grip on your emotions. You are not ready for one if it did come your way right now.
You really need to search for some counseling. I think it would help you filter all these feelings you're having.

[broken_bottle]

I will try to find the right specalist for counseling, yes. I need that desperately obviously.

Meanwhile I am still thinking and analyzing. I`ve come to realize that I was physically abusive to him during our relationship. Very aggressive verbally! I used to lash out at him, scream, insult. I used to say that I he is bad, he is torturing me, our relationship is doomed and I did not mena any of these... His reactions were the most normal ones... How else a person can behave...
Please, I will be very grateful if you can provide me with links or information about dealing with verbal aggression.

[Wondergirl]

Reading a web site about how to curb verbal and/or physical abuse sounds like a good idea, but it doesn't address the central problem: how you feel about yourself.

When a person bullies or abuses another person, the abuser has a self-esteem problem. He's not at all happy with himself and has to put another person down in order to feel good.

That's why we are urging you to find and meet with a counselor. The counselor will help you find yourself and begin to like yourself through all sorts of techniques that may include active listening, observing your body language and voice tones, asking open-ended and closed questions, paraphrasing what you say, summarizing your comments, giving you homework, and role playing.

Please give counseling a try and keep us informed as to how it's going.

[broken_bottle]

Yes, I will try to find a counseler. Unfortunately I do not know exactly where to look. I spoke with a friend of mine who went to one but she said that the only thing he did is just listen to her. Basically she said I was there to say it all loud but did not find any answers to my questions...

[Wondergirl]

Listening to the client is 80% and more of what happens.

Do you expect a counselor to tell you what to do? Or, a better question, what are your expectations?

[broken_bottle]

Well my expectations are similar to what you explained. I know he/she must listen to my story first. But then maybe I expect her impartial and professional opinion, maybe some exercises, etc. This is just my friend`s experience. She went for sessions together with her ex boyfriend with who she had relationship for 15 years old and went there to try to find closure so she can move on.Maybe their story is a lot different...

[Wondergirl]

That's true. I would work with couples who want to improve their relationship very differently from how I would work with an unhappy employee of a small family-run business or a mother with a problem child.

Therapists often don't give their opinions. In fact, their opinion is of no use. Do you know why?

[broken_bottle]

No, I do not know why. I mean more like a solutin, definition - yes, you have that and that problem, you must work on that and that. Like gidance, the most I need now.

[Wondergirl]

All right, then. I challenge you to do this: Find a counselor and go to your first appointment. Then post here and let me know what happened and how you felt about it.

We can sit and chat back and forth about how counseling should be. Now it's time to get to work. I'll be here waiting.

[talaniman]

No, i do not know why. I mean more like a solution, definition - yes, you have that and that problem, you must work on that and that. Like guidance, the most i need now.

You are looking for a quick easy to follow solution to your problems when there is NONE! It's a process of self awareness and self discovery that takes work and honesty on your part as you look at yourself.

That's what counseling is, guidance through the problems you have and working to your own solution. That's all they do, is guide you. YOU must do the work, and its hard, and a lot of it. Not to scare you, but just INFORM you to give yourself a chance of letting the process work, by trying it. No it won't be easy at all. Its not supposed to be, but its better than suffering through the unknown alone.

By your own writing, which I see as reaching out, I know you want help through this process, so do this for yourself, and good luck.

[broken_bottle]

Thank you, Talaniman.