[Cat1864]

In a way i understand it, but then again i wonder why does he never fantasize about me or masturbate over me?

How do you know he doesn't?

I look at porn (though I prefer the term erotica. It covers a wider range of materials), but when it comes to fantasizing my brain brings up my husband. Different characters are all aspects of him and his personality. He is what truly turns me on. The erotica is for ideas and background material.

My husband looks at porn and reads erotica. It doesn't take anything away from what we share.

In all of your trying to please him, have you talked with him. Do you share your fantasies with him?

As much as I am okay with erotica and don't mind my husband flirting, interactive sites are a very different matter. You should not put up with that type of behavior and he shouldn't have been involved in it. However, I would worry about it happening again. He probably now understands that it crossed a major boundary line.

[helpless87]

I just assume he's doesn't I suppose why would he need to when he has porn. I suppose I feel 2nd best to porn because he looked at it more than he was intimate sexually with me and that wasn't because I said no to him it was because he was too tired etc I seem to pester him for sex because secretly I'm hoping he won't need porn then. It sounds really sad but it's a big thing for me. For him to even think about webcam sites makes me wonder am I good enough because many people say it's a big no no. I kills me that he did it. He hasn't done since but he's still done it.I seem to have so many problems and I really appreciate all your advice thank you.

Also I don't understand my boyfriend says that loads of people think I'm pretty I just don't get why he can't just be happy with me. I don't care what anyone else thinks I want him to find me sexy and pretty etc but he wants to look at loads of other women too I find it hard to compete with them women, he watches ameteur porn so its real couples and real women on there own but they all look perfect and skinny, I'm not fat at all but I see flaws all over me maybe he sees them too and that's why he prefers the women on the net. He has a real woman at home but prefers to watch others. That's why he got me to sleep with other men. He didn't want to sleep with me he wanted to watch 2 people having sex. I don't understand I thought men where obbsessed with sex?

[Wondergirl]

I seem to pester him for sex

Ask him if that's a turn-on.

He has a real woman at home but prefers to watch others.

Who gives him a hassle?

That's why he got me to sleep with other men.

He "got you to"? Or was that your way to get back at him?

[helpless87]

I don't overally pester him for sex and other than that I do everything I can to please him. He said that me having sex with other men would turn him on so I agreed to it, I didn't agree to it to get back at him. It didn't make me feel like id gotten back at him I wanted to make him happy, although I didn't really enjoy it, I wanted to be part of something he enjoyed instead of him always watching porn

[talaniman]

Wow, no wonder you are such an emotional mess. You will do anything to please him, but get nothing in return. He uses that, and I will be honest, this makes this relationship toxic. He will never give you what you need, and certainly what you want.

Sorry, you need help, and guidance, and out of this toxic situation. You are not the first people pleaser to get with a user, as most do, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I will be frank, you have life, and BS all screwed up, as you have allowed a very unhealthy guy in you and your sons life, and expect to have a healthy happy life. That's impossible.

Him using porn is NOT your problem, you staying in an unhealthy situation, with an unhealthy person IS the whole total problem. I suspect all your relationships have been unhealthy to some degree, and that will continue until you find a way for YOU to be healthy. Trying to change him won't do it, because you CAN'T, and now you are stuck on why he does this, why he does that. He is who he is, and that's just the way it is, and its very clear you are crazy to think he is like you, a people pleaser. He only pleases himself, and he even uses you to please him. He is selfish, and unhealthy.

I urge you to get out and get help, not just for you, but for the child you are raising. He deserves a loving, safe, healthy environment to learn and grow, not an unhealthy dysfunctional home, that's driving his mom crazy. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see your situation changing at all until you start taking positive actions for yourself, and as long as you are seeing only porn, and not his selfishness, you will continue to be his unhappy, but willing victim.

That's what he wants, do you?? Get some help, please listen! Isn't that why you reached out to strangers? Just start with a routine appointment to your doctor, if you don't have one, get one. Be honest with him, and get a referral to a person that can guide you to good health.

Your son deserves a healthy mom, even if you didn't have one.

[helpless87]

Thank you for your advice, I thought the problem in this was me though and that I find porn to mean that I'm not good enough. I am seeing a counsellor soon. Why is my boyfriend the bad guy I don't understand? He doesn't treat me bad or anything its just that he seems to keep looking at porn which is my main problem. I can't seem to understand why hed look at it when I'm a woman with the same things those women have its just there not me there other women .

I asked on here because I can't talk to any friends about this most people talk about porn as if its an everyday thing and it should be accepted in every relationship. Yet I feel like I'm second best to it and wonder why he would go behind my back and watch it when he knows it hurts me

[talaniman]

Your boyfriend is bad, because he doesn't recognize you need some help, and exploits your willingness to please him.

Come on, having sex with another guy to get his thrills in??

If you weren't such a people pleaser you would simply draw the lines of good behavior through honest communications, and dare the fool to cross them. Then you would see him for what he is, and not be dealing with his foolishness, now wouldn't you?

[helpless87]

He did actually say to me if you don't want to you don't have to and I told him I wanted to. He doesn't know I only did it to please him. Like I said I hoped maybe he wouldn't have to look at porn. He thought me being upset about the porn was just me being jealous. I have since explained exactly how it made me feel although I didn't undertand why he still looked behind my back when he knew how much it hurt. I actually think about it all the time and worry that if I go out with him in the house he will be doing it, I try avoiding being out when he's in. I cry about it most the time and have spend loads of time googling about why its upsets me so much. Most the time I worry he's going to do it again. I know most of you may think I sound like a total nutter but I'm not.

[Wondergirl]

he did actually say to me if you don't want to you don't have to and I told him I wanted to.

But you DIDN'T want to!

He doesn't know I only did it to please him.

And that makes it okay?

I cry about it most the time and have spend loads of time googling about why its upsets me so much.

It has NOTHING to do with YOU!

Most the time I worry he's going to do it again.

So you are his policeman?

I know most of you may think I sound like a total nutter but I'm not.

So what are you?

[talaniman]

Not a nutter, just in need of help. So you can stop hurting yourself. Your fixation on porn is not normal, and but a symptom of a much greater problem you need to deal with.

[helpless87]

Wondergirl - I know I'm not his policeman and its wrong to say what he can and can't do that's why I've posted on here because I know I need help. Just him doing that makes me feel well like I do :S

It doesn't make it OK that I did it to please him I was just explaining that he actually thought I wanted to its my own fault for doing something I didn't want to do just to please someone else. I seem to do things I don't want to do all the time just to please others although not always to that extent.

Also I don't know what I am I'm a nice person or I try my hardest to be that can't always be a bad thing can it?

talaniman - I do know I need help and id love to be able to relax about things and not worry all the time especially about porn. Ive had quite a few counsellors in my past a couple about this porn issue and the others where ealrier in life. I struggle with the way I look a lot especially back at school I did and that seems to have still carried on into later life. Because I was so upset when I was younger I used to self harm as I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. Now I don't self harm even though I have a couple of times no one knows about it. I am an emotional wreck though and cry over most things, I hate the way I look everything, its like him watching porn just comfirms my believe that I am ugly if that makes any sense?

[redhed35]

it does make sense.

you believe certain things about yourself, you believe they are true, so you look outwards to things like the porn to confirm what you believe.

the good news is you can change those beliefs.. heres an example.

when you were young you believed in santa clause, and you looked for reasons to confirm that belief, when you found out the santa was not real, you could see easily how it could not be true and your belief changed...

you change what you believe to be true by changing your thinking and finding ways to confirm that, beliefs are changed by convictions and habits (acts and actions), you make a conviction to find the RIGHT counsellor and to change how you view yourself, and its not just about seeking counselling, its making a conscious effort everyday to find the good in you.

you like to help people, your good at that, why not help people who will see and acknowledge what you do, help people who will value the time and effort you put in.. example volunteering in a hospital, animal shelter...

that's just an example of one of the things you can do to help yourself.

the relationship your in right now is not helping you, but anyone posting here to say 'get out' is not going to work, you need to see it for yourself, your suffering and I think you think you deserve to suffer, because you believe your not good enough, again were back to beliefs.

the people here are like sign posts, were showing the way, you need to choose to take the path to healing, it's the only way out of this living hell your in, we have given you the map and directions... go left to freedom and not right to more suffering.

in saying all that, in my experience people won't change a situation there in until they have get to a point where they have suffered enough... your close.

[Cat1864]

You are looking to him for validation of who you are and that is not a healthy attitude. Other people cannot make you see, think, or feel something that you don't already recognize in yourself.

This may sound strange but I think you need to have an affair with yourself. Send yourself a love letter saying what you love about yourself and how sexy you find yourself. Treat yourself like you want others to treat you. Give yourself the attention you deserve. You want all of his attention, but you don't give yourself any.

Look at the positives in your life instead of dwelling on the negatives. Look at what you have accomplished and the hard work you are putting in to do even more. Tell yourself how proud you are of you.

There is a strong beautiful woman inside you who has taken the manure that life has given her and is turning it into a wonderful garden. Embrace her and accept her as part of you.

[helpless87]

Thank you to you both, I've tried telling myself I'm pretty and a good person and sometimes I think I'm OK but if something's happens that's bad I go back to hating myself again. A big trigger is when I find out he's been watching porn it puts me back to square one again. Sometimes I think maybe the porn is nothing to do with me but then again he says I'm sexy etc so I don't understand why he needs to look at other women too. I frustrate myself because I can't accept its nothing to do with me as an answer and I'm constantly questioning and pondering everything, I can't stop myself.

Im hoping more counselling will help. I just don't understand why I'm like I am id give anything to not be bothered by it