Hi, I have a big problem and its actually me, well the way I think. I'm in a relationship and have been nearly 4 years, I love my boyfriend to death and I do believe he loves me. The problem is well him finding other women attractive and also porn. In one way I understand yes he's going to find others attractive but I still feel like crying if I see him notice another girl or I find out he's been watching porn. I understand that this sort of thing pops up a lot but I genuinely want to be better, I understand why men look at porn but I feel like crying every time he looks. This problem seems to be so deep rooted and has been going on in past relationships too, and I can't seem to get past it. I get told all the time I'm beautiful and sexy by people and yet maybe deep down I always feel like others are better than me. Myself esteem is rubbish I know.

One thing that does bother me is that I had a counsellor a bit ago but it didn't seem to help much one thing she did say is that I seem to associate this sort of sexual desire thing as love. Like if he finds someone attractive it means he doesn't love me, if my boyfriend watches porn he doesn't love me etc. I go out of my way to please my boyfriend sexually maybe because I want to feel totally loved and when he's watching porn I assume well I'm not loveable and ugly. People can tell me I'm attractive but that doesn't matter because I want my boyfriend to only find me attractive and if he finds others attractive I feel like I've failed. I know I sound like a total nutter, I'm honestly not. I'd do anything for anyone and hate hurting people, its just this is ruining my life and I don't know how to stop it. Can anyone help or at least understand. I'd love to find a way to well feel happy


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So what happened in your past that made you afraid to love yourself totally? How old are you??

1. all men, even if they are 90 will look at pretty girls ( or ones they think or pretty) or ugly ones that are half naked

2. many men look at porn, almost all have looked at it some.

You are not going to change him, OK, you may get him to look at porn less ( or lie to you about looking)

So if your first counselor is not working for you, go to others. When I last needed one, we went to four different ones to find one we wanted to use

hi thanks for replying, Im 26. I understand that he will find others attractive but I seem to get so upset when he does. My counsellor says from what I've told her its like I want to be loved totally. Also I go out of my way to make him happy in everything really, sexually and in other ways. I try so hard to be prefect for him and usually it ends up where I'm upset because it never works. I also try to make everyone happy, friends and family, usually though I end up upsetting someone because its impossible. I put everyone else before myself especially my boyfriend because I want him to find me attractive, apparently I find it hard him finding others attractive because I see it as something as being taken away from me when he does. My counsellor actually said OK what if he left you right this minute for another woman. I said it would be a relief because I wouldn't have to worry anymore about it constantly. It sounds so sad because I love him so much but I'm worrying myself so much I can't sleep properly. I strive so hard to be perfect for him and it never works. If he says I've done something wrong I cry, actually I cry about most things. We can't have an argument because I cry. One major thing I found out is that when I'm not in a relationship I seem to be a stronger person, when I'm in a relationship I seem to seek approval from him about how I feel about myself. For example him looking at porn = me not being pretty/ good enough. If I cook him something to eat and he says something's wrong with it I get upset.So even though porn and him finding others attractive is the main issue there are other issues

Im sorry if I come across as a bad person because I'm really not. I really need to know how to get better. Has anyone any advice please?

If you put half as much effort into looking after yourself and doing things that make you happy, well that would be a start.

What do you do, other then trying to please everyone? Do you work? Do you have any hobbies or interests?

Why do you think your strong without a relationship and weak in a relationship? What's different?

Thank you for your reply

Im trying to get a job there doesn't seem to many out there at the moment so I've been doing loads of courses, I've already done child psychology, health and safety at work currently I'm studying health and social care and I'm about to start a I.T course too. Ive tried volunteering for families with kids for a year but stopped that to do more courses. Ive put everything into tying to find a job and had no luck. I have a little boy you see and have to work it around him.

Im unsure why I'm a stronger when I'm not in a relationship. I think I feel like I have to impress my boyfriend and make sure he's totally happy. Him finding other women sexy makes me feel like a failure. I do put my bfs happiness before my own. Most of all I want my boyfriend to find me sexy. When I was younger at school I wasn't very attractive and had acne also I was very shy. I have recently come out of my shell and although I get people saying I'm pretty etc even my boyfriend all the time. I still get upset about him watching porn. I get in such a state about it. I feel like I'm not good enough. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be

Would you consider going back to counseling with another therapist?

It seems you have low self esteem and need to work on loving yourself first-nobody else's love is going to make you whole-you need to be your own whole human being.

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Originally Posted by helpless87

I feel like I'm not good enough.

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That's it in a nutshell.

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Sometimes i wonder if i ever will be

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Why not go back to that counselor? It sounds like she was on the right track in helping you identify the problem. You have done the basics. Now the real work begins -- what are you going to do about finding yourself and then learning to value yourself?

I think I will go back and see a counsellor because I can't carry on like this. I don't seem to understand how I can be good enough when he's seeking out to look at other women it confuses me. I just worry I won't be able to stop thinking the way I do

Like most people pleaser's, you will never be happy until you have found out how to put yourself first, and not depend on others to give you value.

Where is your baby's daddy? How old is he? How old are you? How old is your son? Low self esteem is a very subtle form of FEAR, and finding the root of that fear will give you a path away from it. Maybe you have come to depend on this fellow too much, or your courses are coming to an end, and you depend on your schooling too much to fill the gaps in your life. I don't know, that's just a guess, but I do know you are overcompensating for something you want, but don't have, or something you need, but don't know how to get it.

Looking for love, and not getting it has always been a big source of FEAR, and confusion. Its deep seated, and needs an outlet. Its usually a symptom of a deeper problem that drags at your confidence, and leads us to make choices based on feelings, and not facts. That's what counseling is about, guidance to help us understand ourselves, and why we make the choices we do.

No doubt yourself esteem is tied to how others treat you, and your lack of confidence is being blamed on your boyfriends actions by you. Maybe that's the way it seems, but has little to do with what is causing your real FEAR.

Fear is a reaction of a perceived threat, to their security, or well being. Lack of a job, or satisfaction can bring out those fears but yours go back to far. So how was the relationship with your father? With your mom? Siblings? For sure this goes back further than you are looking.

Reaching out for answers is the good news though, that's a great sign. Getting facts about yourself is the way through this.

Thank you for your advice, my little boy is nearly 7 and his dad is 28, my little boy sees his dad once a week for tea and every weekend. Although on school holidays he sees him more.When I left my ex I didn't want to take our child away from him as that is unfair and as my ex partner works I tried the best I could to make sure he sees him and he has not let my son down once. Hes a great dad to him. We didn't work out because we were different people and wanted different things from life.

As for my relationship with my dad well he left when I was four due to my mum and dads arguments they argued a lot and it ended up where my mum had a breakdown and the police got involved. Things calmed down and I saw him very little but I did see him for tea or he took me and my sister out for abit. My mum my relationship with her is strange she depended on me a lot and I was the middle child, I supported her through hard times, through her panic attack etc, she regularly manipulated me to get me to do what she wanted as I got older. She doesn't like my current boyfriend she tried everything to get me away from him because I wanted to move out. Since I moved out 2 years ago she's deterioated she's doing things for attention, nearly burnt her house down, tried stabbing a police officer and is just acting crazy. Im currently trying to get her help but how can you help an attention seeker and a person displaying childlike behaviour which is what she's been diagnosed with?
As for my siblings I have a younger sister who well she was the baby and she's OK she knows what she wants and can say no too anyone although my brother who is 5 yrs older had major issues since my mum and dad split up. Hes been in jail 3 times for arson. One for burning a church down and another for trying to kill my dad :S

Sorry for the long post but I know I do not look like I have the best of families but throughout I've tried to help everyone in my family through things. Now though I have problems and maybe there not to the same extent as my mum and brother it hurts a lot. Id never go as far as them because that's wrong I just find myself upset by my boyfriend finding others attractive it makes me hate myself. Him seeking out women on the net to watch makes me feel not good enough and unapreciated as hard as I try to be sexy for him every day he still seeks out other women. He tells me all the time I'm sexy ( my bf) but if I am why actually search for other women on the net. Most of all he has seen how it hurts me so much I've cried for days but that doesn't stop him. Im not putting it on I'm genuinely hurt to the point I can't sleep and I worry about it all the time. I wouldn't put him through that sort of pain so why is he me?

Although I know all this has happened in my life I don't see the connextion to be honest.

Sorry for the long post again :)

Your plate is full, and you have a lot of things to work through, do you have a relationship that you can look at and say, yes, that's what I want, do you know what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like?

Your posts started about your boyfriend looking at other women, but, every one comes back to you, it would seem your not ready yet for a relationship, your being honest with yourself and that's hard, learning to love yourself is harder, and that's where you have to start.

Your doing the best for your child, your family your boyfriend, what about you?

You can't keep giving without replenishing your own needs, your burnt out, emotionally and mentally.

There's only one person who needs you, and that's your son,the rest are big an ugly enough to look after themselves.

Get back to counselling, get strong, find your joy and yourself love, once you have that you will be better able to handle the slings and arrows of any relationship.

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Im not putting it on I'm genuinely hurt to the point I can't sleep and I worry about it all the time. I wouldn't put him through that sort of pain so why is he me?

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He isn't. He is just being who he is and doing what any young guy would be doing. He probably has no clue as to why you are in pain, and interesting you mention the pain that you think he causes you. Your pain has been there a long time, and its easy to blame him, and porn, and anything else you don't like, or can't control.

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Although I know all this has happened in my life I don't see the connextion to be honest.

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We all learn patterns of behavior from the ones around us, and our experiences, and unless we have had good positive teachers, we don't always learn what correct, or healthy. I suspect, without knowing anything about your past relationships with men, that you fear being alone/abandoned, and will do anything not to be, and not being able to control someone else's actions makes you angry, and it hurts a lot when you try to repress that anger.

What leads me to believe that? People pleaser's are always angry when they cannot get the attention they want. They are always busy doing stuff, but never happy with what they do. You aren't mad at your boyfriend, or the porn, you are mad at yourself. Poor thing, you have such little understanding or control of your own feelings because you were never taught the correct way to deal with yourself.

You have never been taught through positive reinforcement by authority figures the correct way to handle yourself, and your anger and hurt you blame on your boyfriend is because he doesn't know what you need or why. Seems after 4 years you would be on a better level of communications, and gotten way beyond the physical, into a deeper connection, but I think the most important connection, has to be to yourself, and thru a very honest self evaluation. Its important to have guidance through that kind of process, with a professional.

Please start with a routine check up, just to eliminate any unseen physical problems, or imbalance, and let your doctor guide you to the right direction. When was the last time you had an exam? Do you realize how closely our body is tied to our emotions? Did you also know that our emotions are tied to chemicals in our brains? If they are off, we are off. Check it out, and find out what these feelings are really about.

You will be shocked where your (emotional) pain comes from. Its time to identify, and face your fears correctly. And learn to make the correct adjustments so you can stop blaming him for yet another failed relationship. And stop blaming yourself. That's the main thing. Get that check up, because it's the right place to start for yourself.

Thank you for your replies, what both of you says does make sense. When I'm in a relationship I don't seem to bother about myself because I try so hard to make the other people happy. I can't handle it when my bfs unhappy with me or I've done something wrong. I feel not enough because of the porn though I understand that he's going to notice other attractive people but him constantly searching for attractive women makes me feel like he's always on the look out for better and that he has to look all the time because I'm not enough to turn him on.I do seem to make everything come bk to me but I'm a woman and he has pics and vids of me but he chooses to look at others? I confuse myself sometimes and I know I seem really self obsessed but I suppose I worry too much and I want people to be happy with me. I see his choice to look at porn as he's looking because I'm not enough for him, maybe if I was he wouldn't need to every time I'm not there. Also maybe I could stop making a fuss over the porn and let him do whatever he wants it would still hurt me so much. Because of it upsetting me that much I lost quite abit of weight.

I know I have problems in other areas even because of simple things I find it hard to make descions in a relationship even small things. Thinking back my boyfriend asked what takeout id like for our tea and I could choose anything I wanted even though I know what my favourite thing was I still said oh I'm not bothered you choose. Its like I'm afraid to have a different opinion to him in case it either causes arguments or makes him like me less.

To be fair in the past he has had problems and got stressed over a lot of things and shouted at me a lot but he's got better now. Also I can't stop thinking about the time I found my boyfriend on some free webcam sites watching other women and getting them to watch him. As soon as I stepped out the door he was on the site. I found out and felt so upset. He said he wouldn't do it again but still I think about it a lot and wonder if it means I'm not good enough for him.

I feel like I'm totally messed up and wonder whether ill ever be able to be happy totally. Im worried about going to friends in case he's watches porn its horrible to feel this way and because he's promised so many times he won't do it I don't trust him and wonder what else he's lying about.

Im really sorry for going on and I know its not my boyfriend that's the problem its me. I need to get this sorted

Well actually he's not totally innocent in this.

He knows how it makes you feel, yet he continues to break your trust, this relationship is toxic to you.

Don't justify his bad behaviour by saying its because your insecure, there are boundries in every relationship, and he keeps stepping over them.

You need to decide whether this relationship is right for you, it does not mean you will never find love again, only that your not ready right now.

I do love him which makes things difficult, he makes promises about not looking at porn and then does it again yes but from things I've read it seems like its not him that's the problem its me. I don't understand why its so wrong for me to ask him not to look at porn because it upsets me. I don't deny him sex ever I don't think I've ever said no and the main reason is because I think if I didn't feel well and I said no hed be back on the porn again. Although if he says he's too tried and I find he's been looking at porn I feel rejected for other women basically.

If I end this relationship id just get into another with a man who watches porn again and id feel the same. Also why is porn so important to the men I've been with that they have to constantly do it and lie about it and go behind my back. Also I have expressed to them how much it hurts me and yet they choose it over my feelings. Is it really that important porn I mean.

You don't understand what he's doing. Porn and masturbation have nothing to do with you. With masturbation, you don't have to please anyone but yourself, so it doesn't take any real thinking or effort.

Masturbation is like grabbing two slices of white bread and slapping a couple of slices of bologna between them and scarfing it down than spending time to make a turkey dinner with all the fixin's.

One of our experts, Cat1864, said this in answer to a similar question over a year ago --

Porn is not about you or what you do or don't do. Porn is about quick relief or entertainment. In some cases it can be an aid to arousal for couples or pressure relief when there are reasons for not having sex with a partner such as health or being apart for awhile. It can also be place to get ideas or realize that a fantasy probably wouldn't work in real life. Porn is a tool.

If you love him and think that the trust can be rebuilt, work together with the understanding that he will look and will masturbate. It is actually healthy for both of you. Fantasy is a wonderful way to explore what your likes and dislikes are and where your limits are.

My favorite explanation is this one that someone else said back in June --

It's not porn... Porn is the just the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

But again, it's not that porn is what's important... IT'S GETTING TO CHICAGO.

For most guys, we've been going to Chicago one to three times a day since like fourth grade. A normal guy would much rather go to Chicago with his gf rather than alone, but it's so quick and so much easier to board that jet to Chicago alone... it's a familiar place and we know the route by heart.

In a way I understand it, but then again I wonder why does he never fantasize about me or masturbate over me? Is it because it would get boring if he did. I know I sound very controlling and I don't like being this way. It just makes me wonder why he bothers having sex with me at all when he has the internet, his imagination and his hand.

Maybe I fear that he will find someone more attractive and he will cheat. I don't know. All I want is to stop having this worry all the time and aagin I fear if I say OK I'm alrite with porn watch it. He will watch it all the time again even when I'm in the room. He doesn't always masturbate to it. Ive found out he was just looking at it while I was in the room watching TV. Also he might start going on webcam sites again.

He doesn't understand how I feel about this at all, sometimes I wish he could feel how I feel just for a second so he knows how much it actually hurts. I deleted someone off my Facebook because he got paranoid about him and stopped speaking to him but he can't do the same for me. He suggested I sleep with another man in front of him because it turns in on. I have done this a few times for him and even pretended I enjoyed it because I worry he will watch porn. I didn't really like it and felt like a piece of meat but I want to make him happy sexually and will do anything to stop me feeling hurt from him watching porn. He thinks I enjoyed sleeping with the other blokes but I just wanted it to be him.

Also I'm paranoid about my body a lot at first I didn't want him to see me naked. He has seen me now but I feel upset because it was a big thing for me to let him see my body and him searching for other naked women makes me hate my body and myself more

I know I sound messed up and yes I am but please don't be mean. Im trying to change I just don't know how.

I have read your entire thread and I think Tal and Red have given you some great advice. About all I can add is this:

Don't ask for or accept promises you know won't or can't be kept. It's like handing someone a handful of water and getting upset because he/she can't hold on to it. You know he is going to look. Instead of promises to quit, find a compromise that will allow the trust to grow. No interactive sites. Maybe look together using it as a reference tool to get ideas. Maybe looking only at certain times. The idea is to share the responsibility for setting boundaries you both will stay within.

I think the negative self-image will still be there whether he ever looks at porn again or not. You aren't stopping at comparing looks with the actresses. You are jealous of them. In a way, you are accusing him of cheating with images on a computer (I do put the interactive sites in a very different category than 'porn' or erotica.) I can see that jealousy and insecurity being transferred to any woman he comes in contact with or pays attention to whether it is a woman walking down the street or a mainstream actress like Julia Roberts.

I'll be honest in that I don't know if you would be better off if you were single. I think you might lose the incentive to work through your main issues because you don't see them when you aren't in a relationship. I don't think you are stronger when you are single. I think at those times you appear to be stronger because you don't seem to see the family, friend, work, school, etc. 'pleasing' in the way that you do the 'boyfriend pleasing'.

I am curious as to what your relationship with your child is like and how protective you are of him and your relationship with him. I think you are a great mother and that you want a better life for your child than you had. My concern is that as he gets older and needs less 'mothering' how you will respond.

Hi thank you, I know that the more I make him promise the more I worry and I check because I know he won't keep to his promises. I just don't understand why why its so important to him. Maybe I wasn't stronger on my own like you said because its still there waiting when I do get in a relationship.

I am quite protective over my son although I have started to be better over it at first when I met my current boyfriend he put him on the naughty step for something and I thought he was being mean to him I actually cried because I thought he was being nasty to him. Ive learnt that he needs to be disciplined now but I still struggle to do it as a hate even upsetting my son. I love that my little boy goes to school and has friends and goes to his dads on a weekend. I don't get over emotional when he's not here and I don't think it will be a problem when he's older I know he will have his own life.

One thing that worrys me is that I ever will love myself and will accept my boyfriend watching porn. In my head I understand sometimes that its not about me but I still cry when I find out, it feels like he's cheated and I'm worthless and ugly. Also because my boyfriend gets tired from work we don't have sex as often even though he says he wants to he's just tired. If I find out he's been watching porn everyday and turning me down due to tiredness it feels like I'm second best. My boyfriend says I have no idea how he feels about me but from him looking at porn I feel like I know already how he feels about me, well I assume...

I make myself so angry because I can't seem to accept or understand why he does it, maybe because of the way I see myself. If I did feel better about myself though would things like porn bother me as much? I don't know how much more I can take mentally