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Wondergirl · Jul 18, 2011, 11:09 PM

i just hope she isn't playing games,

I'm female, and my money is on the fact that she is indeed playing games.

Jooley · Jul 19, 2011, 08:35 AM

Yea, Its what I'm thinking too. If she is I don't understand that either. Like we've been big parts of eachothers lives for last 4 years now. I was always very good too her, as was she to me. I haven't bad mouthed her or anything after what happened or anything either. She has no reason to play games with me, she said she still wanted to be friends? Why do you think she would play games? Realistically I couldn't of been nicer to her considering what happened

Wondergirl · Jul 19, 2011, 08:46 AM

Why do you think she would play games? Realistically i couldn't of been nicer to her considering what happened

I think she is playing games as her way to separate from you and to move away from you toward new adventures. I don't think she means to be cruel.

A two-year-old doesn't know how to "break away" from Mom in a socially acceptable way, so he kicks at his mom and thrashes around and yells "no, no, no, do myself" when she tries to help him dress in the morning. Your ex is like that two-year-old who wants to be independent, and she's conflicted because she doesn't know how to break away without hurting your feelings.

Jooley · Jul 19, 2011, 09:01 AM

Oh OK that's really strange, I guess what I thought is she still wanted attention from me, not meaning she wants back just wanted some attention. Because we used to talk all day everyday, for years and even after we broke up we still chatted a fair bit and then it just stopped. But even to be honest I know deep down that she still likes me, she just felt the need for change. The only thing I was annoyed about was that she didn't talk to me about this. But she has like a shell, her dad was abusive to her mum and her mum told me all about this, never heard it from her, and that when stuff started to happen my ex would just go to her room and stay there and be very quite, Which I think has giving her a shell, and she has that on right now. My point is she doesn't crave to be rid of me, I don't know, I over think things. Definitely has this shell though. I'm not the only one to think this, + she is very smart, she just missed out in medicine at college, I think she'd be smarter than that.

hheath541 · Jul 25, 2011, 06:28 PM

You were together for four years. I'm assuming you are in your early twenties, at the oldest. That means she spent most of her growing up and maturing years with you.

Not only is she dealing with a break-up. She's also trying to figure out how to adjust to suddenly not having you in her life the way she's used to. She's probably trying to find a balance between cutting you out completely and still keeping contact.

She already has issues from her childhood, so she probably never learned how to properly deal with relationships. If you are her first real relationship, especially long-term, then she's never had to deal with a serious break-up before. She's probably making things up as she goes along and learning through trial and error.

Give her space. Make it a clean break. Stop contacting her, or expecting her to contact you. Don't look at her Facebook page. Don't ask about her from mutual friends. It'll be easier on both of you.

You will both have the time and space needed to heal. She won't have to worry about how to figure it out on her own, and you won't be so confused by her behavior.

Jooley · Jul 26, 2011, 11:25 AM

Yea I see your point its been 2 weeks since we've talked now and she's asking loads of people how I am, realised now anyway that we're not going to go from where we are now back to a couple, need to pass through the friend zone first. I am healed now, I'm not hurt by what she done to me I just want to be with her, I've just got to wait until she feels the same way too, and hopefully that'll come round sooner or later. Still cares if she's asking people how I am and what I'm doing. Because as I said before she still likes me, don't know if she still loves me, she just felt this is what she had to do to change things, But she is fighting for, unfortunately the fight is against time and my patience at the moment. Just got a text from her mum now as well that she wants to meet up, this was probably my ex's idea. Ive nothing to lose so I'll meet her tonight, and sure I'll tell yous what goes down, it will be an interesting one!

Jooley · Jul 27, 2011, 08:40 PM

I don't think I mentioned this but, for the first two weeks of the break up I was very sucidal, people knew as well, I was being constantly watched, and the way I got over this was by saying to myself yano I'm going to get her back, I basically built a wall, to stop all them thought coming through to me. The has cracked on me on the past few days, all the close friends I have have gone on holidays, so I've no one to talk to. And well I literally mean no one. And well I really have lost my will to live, I have tried so so so hard for last two weeks to forget about her, I haven't contacted her and its ripping me apart.

People say it will get better with time, its only getting worse. I really don't know what to do. I haven't had any mental health issues before all this, I just think so negativly all the time now, doesn't matter if I go out and do things, if I see a girl at all I think of her, anything at all and its killing me. Literally. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because of what the aftermath would be like for her, realistically our town would think she was a cold hearted... Nobody knows I feel this way atm, I don't want her to find out. So I'm really lost on what to do, because I was never needy or clingy or stopped her from doing anything before. I just really love her, its been five weeks now and I'm getting worse instead of better. And I know I'm only young and I have a lot of living to do and things. I was just so happy in what we had and it was all snatched away so quick.

The thing that made me feel better last time was having a talk with her mum, her mum asked me out again to chat. I'm closer with her mum than I am my own, well yano what I mean, I couldn't talk to anything like this with my mum or dad. Not close. What I'm trying to say is giving her space and trying to forget about her is making me just want to stop living, while time goes by it gets worse. The worst part is if I knew she was with another boy, I'd be gone. I wouldn't write on here if I wasn't sure this is the way I felt, but unfortunately it is.

Sorry I know I waffled and stuff but. I dno I've no one to talk to :(

Wondergirl · Jul 27, 2011, 09:22 PM

If you committed suicide, you do realize how much that would wreck her life with extreme guilt, not to mention how much it would upset her mum. Suicide would be so not fair to them -- or to yourself.

talaniman · Jul 27, 2011, 09:29 PM

Believe me guy, I know just how you feel when fresh from high school, and your world has changed and you lose the one thing you could count on. It's a pretty confusing and stressful time.

But the good news is you will stand on your own, and learn a lot about yourself, and how you deal with a very adult world where all kinds of things could and will happen. Not all things will be bad, confusing, and hurtful, there will be many pleasant surprises along the way. I think the key here and now, is to know and accept it hurts like hell to go through this break up, but also give yourself a chance by pushing through this situation, and let time get you through the healing process, so you can rebuild, and regroup, and make some adjustments to what has happening. Find a good thing to focus on, like your future, your education and training for a good job, and build a life that makes you happy, with friends and activities that you enjoy.

If you get busy on the things you will need, then before you know it you will feel better, and be able to see all the options and opportunities that are available. I think you will learn very quickly that life ain't so bad, and there is plenty to do if you make that transition from boy to man, and control your own destiny.

Don't blow it by giving into bad feelings that will eventually pass, just do your own thing, or at least find out what it is, and who you really are. And don't worry, we will listen to anything you have to say, as we have all been through the growing pains you are going through now, and have thrived, and survived, and know for a fact it ain't as easy as everybody says it is. It's the hardest thing you will ever do, getting over that first real love, but it makes you stronger in the end. That's a reward to look forward too.

Jooley · Jul 27, 2011, 10:18 PM

Yea I know that's why I haven't, I am currently living through this pain so she doesn't have to go through whatever she would, thing is I'm getting weaker, more fed up. I'm really sick of hurting so much all time, I have tried to go out, taking up old sports, things I use to like to do but nothing works. Its come to the point where nothing is working and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've hit rock bottom and I can't get back up

Jooley · Jul 27, 2011, 10:27 PM

The reply to wondergirls is the same what it would be to you more or less. Just like to add that about these feeling passing, I don't know how much longer I can handle, instead of gradually getting better what seems to happen I'm getting worse. I just lack the will to continue, I've had a happy life anyway though. Mainly because she's been in it with me, her presence was enough to keep me happy for a lifetime, how ever short it may be

Wondergirl · Jul 27, 2011, 10:33 PM

You know, you're choosing to be miserable, to wallow in this feeling you call pain. You don't have to. You can make the choice to look ahead.

We've all been through what you went through and we survived. It wasn't easy for a while, but we got through it.

Are you working? Planning to go to uni? Or are you just sitting around all day moaning? Keep doing all those sports things and getting out and about. It will begin to work for you. Keep at it.

Jooley · Jul 27, 2011, 10:50 PM

I'm on holidays from Uni, start back in a month, and she goes to same Uni which is miles away from our town, all but two of the friends I have there are hers also, I don't think its wise for me to go back if I'm still in this zone, can't change college either because of how Irish education system works, I'd have to pay about 12000euros over the 4years to switch which isn't going to happen. Ive tried it for a good while and I'm fed up, only reason I'm posting. Should I tell people I'm sucidal?

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 08:22 AM

Is there some kind of a mental health phone number you can call for help with the suicide thinking? A hot-line of some sort?

You really need to talk to a real-life person about this and get some help, especially while you're still on holiday.

talaniman · Jul 28, 2011, 09:02 AM

When we are very young we often wrap our world, and self worth around another. That's what you have done. That's where all that pain comes from. Building a happy life around someone else. Making it worse, is because it hurts, you want it to go away. Well its not. It can't, its way to soon, and you have to cope with that pain. Of course you have to expect it to take time, however long that is, and WORK through it. Many of us have been through that pain, and survived and gone on to better things. So will you, if you buck up and deal with YOUR own feelings in a mature way, and not let the loss of a female, however glorious you think she is, ruin all that you are working for.

If you need help coping, yes by all means reach out to someone and let them know of the dark thoughts you are having. I hope they can help.

Edited to add:

Quote by Excon
All you can do is accept how you feel, and MAKE good decisions about what you DO about it, instead of letting your EMOTIONS decide for you...

Jooley · Jul 28, 2011, 11:13 AM

Yea, I don't know if I'd like to ring them things though, I'd prefer for it yo be someone I'm comfortable with. I need to talk to her mum, she's like my mum to and I was her son, I can trust her, so she said we'd talk asap, waiting very hard on that at the moment.

Jooley · Jul 28, 2011, 04:57 PM

Yea, Rang a help line there and they asked me what does make you happy and feel better and get out of this mood, and it is trying to get her back, not like ringing her or sending her messages but thinking positivly about it. Which is true and I know that its probably only going to make me feel worse for longer but at the minute it's the safest thing I can do. Might be coming across that I love her for the wrong reasons at the moment but I don't. I wish she could have decided to go on a break instead of totally cutting things off, even if we didn't get back together in the end I wouldn't of been so attacted to her. I think about things way too much, considering moving away for a few months, hitting airport getting next plane out of there.. could be fun