Ask Me Help Desk - She wants time to find herself?

Well we've been going out 4 years, and we're 18, so yano most of our teenage years have been spent together, and well we're basically made for each other... Or so I thought.. We both moved out from home last year and have been living in a rented house for college, was all going good, but toward the end of the college year she I think got tired sharing a room with me, yano looking back we we're probably too young to be kept in same space.

At the end of the year she got asked to go on a trip with her course for extra credits, all grand. So she was away for a month, and I didn't really see her for two months. I noticed when she came back things where more awkward and stuff, and I know she didn't cheat on me, so no point basing anything on this because it didn't happen! So she was away and she was out meeting new people and all this, and the type of person I am, I'm not a confident guy, find it hard to meet new people and get out chatting, but same time when I'm comfortable with someone I'm grand, so I don't enjoy going out, and I can't drink either, (I'm Irish by the way so when you go out for a night out in Ireland you get drunk) and well that really isn't my scene

So a month after she came back she broke up with me, said she needed to find herself, **** like that. She crushed me, I loved her to bits, I moved to that college 300km away from home to be with her, its two weeks now and I'm just more or less finished with the suicide thoughts (I'm not going to now) because at the time there was no light for me I guess. I've realized, killing myself isn't going to get her back, all that's keeping me alive is the thought of getting her back yano.

I was a good boyfriend by the way, yano everyone in her family loved me, everyone wasn't expecting it too. I wish I had the confidence to walk away and say she'll be back in so long, but I really don't have that, she brought out the best in me and always made me happy.

After breaking up I realized how I could have been a better boyfriend, by simply sitting down and thinking about things. So she went to Austria with friends, had a brilliant time meeting new people and living differently. As I said definitely no other boy was mingled with, most she became friends with had long term boyfriends, even all the girls she went with had boyfriends, one even going out longer than us.

One of her friends boyfriends broke up with her friend when they were away because he didn't want to be with one person there whole life, maybe a factor. I'm sorry for this question not being structured, but I'm typing as I think! So yea, maybe she thought of me as a chain and ball after in that sense. She never talked to me about this any day, just slapped it upon me, which hurt me.

I would have tried anything if I thought it would prevent us breaking up. Realistically she's the only thing I really loved in this world. So I her mum and me went for a chat last week, went for 5hours, her mum and dad divorced after 22years or something when they where going out since they where 15 or so, maybe she's afraid of that, but same time, I'm not like her dad, (he was quite violent I think and well I wouldn't hit a fly).

What came out of that talk was her mum thinks she's in a growing up phase, she's growing into a woman, and that I think she may have been jealous of some of her friends because they where all going on holidays with there boyfriends. If I had the money I would take her around the world twice but yano I don't have a job I'm a student

I was saving for a car, so her mum thinks I should take her on holidays, which I will, I don't care about buying a car if it would get her back, I'd sell a leg as well. Plus her mum said she'd gimme some money as well to help. So her mum wants us to be back together as well, everyone does, she wouldn't give me 1000euro if she didn't want me to try get things working So what should I do?

All she does is sit in her room all day, she writes to me on Facebook, texts. She said she doesn't love me but don't know. There was a stage where she was just as in love with me now as I am for her now, I don't think it vanished in a month.

So I guess I'm very lost in what to do right now, I just basically explained this in how I see it. I don't know if it matters but she's still asking me to do stuff like she asked me to see new harry potter film and stuff like that. If you want to know something just ask!

BTW I don't know what I'm asking just an on look.

I know just what you are asking. What to do about your first life changing event since you left home. What to do about your first love dumping you.

Sit down, this will shock your socks off.

You accept it, thank her for the good times, and leave her alone by telling her you need a lot of time to fill the hole in your soul, and then leave her completely alone. No movies, no holidays, no nothing. Disappear from her life, and build one on your own without her. And keep everyone out of your business, and don't go whining to friends or family.

This may not bring her back, doubt it will. But you keep your dignity, and self respect, as you heal, and make a life for yourself.

Yes your little girl has grown up, and the young love has been replaced by just friends, and so must you grow up, and deal with this as a man, not a hurt confused BOY!!

Yeah it sucks, being dumped always does for all of us. But we keep going, and make things better for ourselves, because we stand on our own no matter what life throws at us.

Now you can be a man, and handle your business in a mature way, or be a boy, who is not ready to be a man and stand tall for himself. You choose.

Yea I see where your coming from and I guess in some points your right, but as I said I still love her, I'd die for her in a heartbeat I know I'm young but some things I'm certain of. I know that there's still something there between us, the girl sits in her house and does nothing all day.. I don't understand is this how she's finding herself? But as long as there is a hope/chance I can't walk away from it she's all I think about all day everyday, she broke up with me before for a day to teach me a lesson, maybe this is along the same lines, a different way of telling me she wants things to change up, which I can understand. Telling the truth, I thought I was going to marry her, if we where older I would had already asked, so from your point of view I'm being a boy, but if a man is someone who turns his back on the things he loves most I'll be happy to stay a boy for a long time. I think there's a huge possibility that I love this girl too much, but I think I'm going to follow my heart, at least if I try, in how many years/months time I see her walking down the street I won't be thinking what if I didn't walk away I'll know I tried

Quote:

QUOTE by Jooley;
Yea I see where your coming from and I guess in some points your right, but as I said I still love her, I'd die for her in a heartbeat I know I'm young but some things I'm certain of.

I have no doubt of your feelings, but they fail to take account of the fact that you got dumped with no communications from her, and as yet all you have is "trying to find herself" Pay attention here guy, this is no longer about your feelings, and YOU need to recognize that you are in shock, and are desperate.

You are thinking with your feelings, and not with your head.

Quote:

I know that there's still something there between us, the girl sits in her house and does nothing all day..

Again, you assume and presume, through your own feelings and not take hers into account, which is the big flaw in your thinking. Maybe she wants you take act as a MAN, and not a BOY! A boy runs around crying to all that listens, and can only act through his own feelings of loss, instead of as a man who exhibits cool, calm, rational actions with a lot of thought, and doesn't run crying to her MAMA for advice, guidance, and suggestions, or MONEY, in an effort to impress or influence her.

Sorry to be harsh, but your actions are of an uncaring boy, as you minimize the importance of her feelings to get your own way. Don't believe me? Write down your feelings and actions and review them in 3 days. Are they of a MAN, or a boy who doesn't know how to handle himself, or the his situation he finds himself in. Try it, and you tell me!

Quote:

I don't understand is this how she's finding herself?

Because you have never calmly found out about what your grown up female has on her mind. You have been too distracted by your own feelings of loss, and desperation that all you can think of is what YOU have lost.
You know little of YOUR female if you have not recognized her growth, or your lack of it.

Quote:

but as long as there is a hope/chance I can't walk away from it

You aren't just walking away, your letting the dust settle so YOU can gain control over yourself, mainly out of RESPECT for HER feelings, mostly to keep from making a pest of yourself and, showing her what a petulant immature, desperate child you are and, making her think she made a GREAT decision to get rid of the child, and get a REAL MAN.

Ask yourself how attractive you must seem with your actions so far. Ask yourself if she is missing the child that you are behaving like. Examine yourself, take the time to do so.

Quote:

Telling the truth, I thought I was going to marry her, if we where older I would had already asked, so from your point of view I'm being a boy, but if a man is someone who turns his back on the things he loves most I'll be happy to stay a boy for a long time.

And how is that working out for you? And you are not turning your back on anything, just acknowledging her feelings without the boy attitude. You fight the wrong battle the wrong way, just my humble opinion. Regrouping is not quitting. Sorry you see it that way.

Quote:

I think there's a huge possibility that I love this girl too much, but I think I'm going to follow my heart, at least if I try, in how many years/months time I see her walking down the street I won't be thinking what if I didn't walk away I'll know I tried

Use your head, not just your heart, and instead of crying and begging, get the facts so you will know how best to proceed.

Give it thought, not impulsive actions and words which you will regret.

That is why you came here isn't it?? For facts?? Fact is, few woman want a boy, when they need a MAN!

Yea I do agree with you, regrouping and all, but I haven't been speaking to her really, I haven't made anymoves or told her how I am feeling either, haven't gone for anything rash.. So I guess me talking this out is more me regrouping at this stage, because I'm lost, her mum was the one asked me to go for a drive I went and chatted things out, got another opinion, her mum was more worried about me than anything else, she said she wasn't going to tell my ex about what was said, which I do trust, but maybe she did. I can't know for sure, but realistically I haven't gone on my knee's begging for my ex(gona call kat now) to come back to me, we had a talk, more for me to get more of an understanding why I guess, but then again she knows I'm hurt, I'm more planning out what to do on here instead of charging in, I just think there's more than walking away.

Just going to clear a few things up here, When I said she sits in her room all day, I'm not guessing, I've been told that, I've been told she's like the anti-christ as well.. I'm not familiar with these things but I imagine if someone has been stopping someone from doing something, and you get rid of the person stopping you, surly your going to go out and do it? Just saying like, my take on that would be that there's still some emotion there!

And I know about the desperate thing, I can admit I am, but I also having acted on it. Couldn agree more with you on letting the dust settle though, I've been doing that anyway, I just prefer if there was another option than me walking away for good like.

And the thing about her looking for a real man, yano I am mature I just guess this was the one steady thing in my life that I could rely on. She was the one person I could depend on, because my mum and dad aren't really there for me, only decent person I had a good chat with about this was her mum, which normally you'd think her mum would want me to leave her alone, but she said don't give up on her, she thinks it a phase, and I hope it is. What we had was always good, it broke all of a sudden though. And I do believe it can be fixed, I realise it's a waiting game, let dust settle, hopefully she misses me? And I know myself she isn't looking for another guy either, there's a lot of things I'm unsure of but I'm sure there isn't another "real man" floating.

But yea my head and my heart are in sync, I just thought if she did want to go on holidays, get out of house we had a good time as friends she'd come back, relight the oul flame as one might say! I know if we do go I'm not going to be nagging her flat out about it, I won't even metion it, why would I want to make it awkward even, if she brought it up we could chat about it I guess like but I'm wouldn't go there. Even so I dought she'd accept the offer realistically?

Reply more than 100 char's again.. thanks for the help by the way

Actually we prefer the longer answers, and thanks for listening, sorry to be so blunt, but I was trying to be direct. You have potential, and I know its really hard to do nothing, especially where the heart is concerned.

But you must realize, that looking at ones future in an objective way is crucial to any plan of action, and wrapping your plan so much in her is always a mistake if that's your only plan. Sure we hope for the best to happen, but its wise to plan for the worst.

Hard to see that far down the road when you are young and hung up in many intense feelings, we all experience that. Take heart though my friend, this may not even be about you, but her own fears in what she sees as her future, and maybe she just ain't ready for it, and it has nothing to do with you, or any other man for that matter. It has more to do with her being lost, as she said, but not having a clue what to do about it.

But while you bide your time and regroup, you immediate need is balance, doing something constructive and fun, as you regroup. That tends to change your own perspective. No telling what you will see when the dust has settled.

Just curious where in the world are you generally speaking, as Americans see things a bit differently than do other cultures. What's yours??

Thanks yea! Things be more clear now! Don't really understand what your asking me? Like where am I from or what are my thoughts?

You don't write like an American is all. No biggie.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You don't write like an American is all. No biggie.

Jooley: I don't enjoy going out, and I can't drink either, (I'm Irish by the way so when you go out for a night out in Ireland you get drunk) and well that really isn't my scene

Awh OK! I'm from Ireland! Kind of been using a lot of site's, this one is most helpful so far though!

So my ex broke up with me about 3.5weeks ago, we where going out for 4years. The reason for the break up is unclear to me, but I slacked off over last 3months, that doesn't really matter though. For the first two weeks I wrote letters Facebook messaged and all that desperate stuff. Then one week ago I realised I wasn't getting anywhere so I just stopped.

Its not that I've stopped trying I'm just regrouping. Taking time to evaluate the situation and letting the hurt go away to I guess. Its just what I felt I had to do because I was only going to push her away. Its not as if I haven't replied to her, its just I was always starting the conversations on texting internet etc, so I haven't ignored her. Just not contacted. I also changed all my passwords so she couldn log into my profile and see who I was talking to and stuff, I dno if she did look, but she new the password.

I've have had no contact with her for this week. But now her and her sister are starting to do things to mess with me. When we broke up she made me promise to go to new Harry potter movie with her, And her sis, who lives in the same room as her wrote about just them going to it later on her Facebook page, which they don't usually do, why would you post that on someone's wall unless you wanted others to see, there's been other stuff to, I know these things are directed at me. That's not what I'm asking, I'm more wondering why are they doing this? What do they want to achieve from it? She's the one who ended it. Why are they trying to make me suffer more? Plus it not even about her sister or anything, My ex knows her password and could be logging into her account.

It doesn't matter what she's trying to achieve. You are no longer someone important in her world. Stop whomping up suspicions and scenarios. Get beyond this and move forward with your life.

Everyone in this site is so harsh! Different cultures though I guess, I wish it was that easy for me to get up and go. But when I stopped fighting she reacted, those things where indirectly pointed at me. Im pretty sure of that. I just don't understand is when it probably looks to her I stopped trying to get her back is when she started trying to mess with me, I don't know though. But personally for me it does matter what she's trying to achieve

You need to cut contact. Stop reading her Facebook wall. Take her off your friends lists. Stop contacting her and trying to get her back.

I'm guessing you aren't very old. Possibly still in high school. If I'm right, then a LOT changes in four years. It's very possible that she's just changed to the point where being in a relationship with you is just not what she wants anymore. If that's the case, then it isn't anything you did, and there's nothing for you to fix.

Stop trying to get her back, and focus on getting over her and moving on.

Everyone in this site is so harsh! different cultures tho i guess,

What culture are you part of?

This is a world-wide web site. All cultures ask questions and give advice.

it does matter what she's trying to achieve

So what do you hope she's trying to achieve?

To me, it sounds like she's trying to distance herself from her overbearing ex.

If I had an ex contacting me everyday for weeks after we broke up, I'd get a little testy, too.

She wants attention of someone trying to get with them. Of course she misses that, and females love it when they get some attention. Makes 'em feel good. That by no means is a sign she has changed her mind, its just boredom, and a need for attention.

When you leave them alone after they dump you they freak, and can play silly games for attention. Keep leaving her alone.

Yea. Leaving her alone/giving her space is prob best thing I done its helping me heal if anything. Just when she starts doing this she's stopping me. Plus I ddn realise what I had until I lost it so maybe she'll experience that too, hard to know! There's a lot of other boys out there who would give her all the attention she wanted to be honest. I just don't know why she wants it off me. But yeah I know she hasn't changed her mind, just trying to figure out what she is trying to do

This site isn't letting me reply for some reason but

@hheath541
I wasn't really that overbearing tbh. I had sent 1 letter 3 Facebook messages and 1 text. Over the space of two weeks. Which is a lot but not enough to make her hate me. But when I did leave her alone why would she start doing things like that. Wouldn't she just be happy? It wasn't a break up on bad terms either, I ddn do anything wrong. She should has no reason to mess with me

@wondergirl
Im from Ireland, if you talked to someone here they'd butter it up for you, well people that I've talked to. I like the honesty though.
What I hope for she is trying to provoke me to do/say something.
But I hope its because she's started to think about things since I've gone rather than out of boredem. I probably need to deactivate my Facebook for a while, I would delete her as a friend but thatd only offend her, don't really want to do that. I'm not over her yet so I still want her back and I don't really want to anything to make her mad or anything I guess

Serious I don't know, this site confuses me? It keeps deleting my replies.. Writing this fourth time! Yea I realise the best ting I did was leave her alone. I am slowly healing, but I realise if there is hope for us getting back she needs to realise it and not for me to force it upon her. And me leaving her alone has obviously had an effect on her, as you said not the one that will get her back but yea, you don't know what you've got until its gone, I hope she is going to go through what I went through now tbh. But at the same time I just hope she isn't playing games, I don't know! Really confused