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Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by no1knows

hes been in for 12 days now. i think the only reason he joined was because my brother went in and is now graduating from the Green Beret and he was jealous. as for the lying----its stupid. he told me he was taking a trip to visit his mom in november before he left for bootcamp, and when he got back he would still have a job. well......he quit his job before he left. didnt even tell me. he left us with only my income to get us through until he gets a check from the army in february. we are now 3 months behind (barely keeping gtv/internet on) on everything. we've gone through what little savings i had to keep food on the table.

He sounds too sneaky to be an Aspie. Aspies don't lie and are very transparent. Something else is going on. Now I'm clueless.

no1knows · Jan 30, 2011, 09:31 PM

Well... what do I do? Like I said I've tried counseling but he won't go.

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 09:41 PM

Can you go to counseling, even for just a few sessions? I don't know where you live, but most social workers/counselors/therapists have a sliding scale or will work out a plan based on your income.

no1knows · Jan 30, 2011, 09:48 PM

I have a date set up that I can talk to my pastor, hopefully that will shed some light. When I got married, I was 19 and it was for better or worse. I don't want a divorce but I don't know how to handle this. The house has been so much calmer since he's left. There is hardly any arguing, definitely NO yelling or cursing ! I hate to say it, but its nice here. I like coming home now! So if its not aspergers, what do you think?

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 09:58 PM

Now that you've mentioned all the dads and the various ways they treated your husband when he was growing up, his attitudes and behavior could be connected to that part of his history.

I suggest you do your best to write things down in a logical way, like Dad #1 with descriptors, Dad #2, etc. Also, write down things about his mom and sibs that you know of. List your husband's attitudes and behaviors like you have here. That will also organize this whole thing for you too.

He sounds impulsive and a bit unrealistic.

no1knows · Jan 30, 2011, 10:07 PM

Yeah, I've kept a journal of everything. I started it because of how he began treating me. I wanted to see if it was just a phase, but it really hasn't changed. When he knows I'm serious about leaving him he begins to show affection, but its only for a brief few days. And then its right back to the vicious circle. I deserve to be loved, cared about, and talked to. I'm not looking for 24/7 attention--i like my space too, but when I feel uncared for and the reasons are validated, its hard not to think he doesn't love me. I've given him the benefit of the doubt for over 12 years now. I thought that because his mother has had all those relationships he didn't really know the meaning of love, or how to express it, but I know that's not true. He's in his 30's he should have an idea of it now. I know he has anger issues because of how he speaks to our oldest --he threatens him with abuse, he's never hit him or followed through----he knows my kids come first to me. A lot of our arguments are based on how he treats them. He's verbally abusive to them. He's never said anything like that to me, he knows I can fend for myself. But the kids cant.

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 10:20 PM

He may have an idea of love now, but it's really difficult to overcome who you've become since childhood -- especially if you don't acknowledge there's a problem and don't work hard to overcome anything.

no1knows · Jan 30, 2011, 10:25 PM

Yeah... I know. Thank you SOOOO MUCH for chatting with me. I was grasping at straws. I know I only have two choices because he doesn't leave me any others. Either stay with him and try to adjust to his ways or leave him and move on with my life. I really want to save my marriage but if he's not going to put forth any effort I can't force him too. There have been many times that I have had 2 jobs trying to keep a roof over our heads while he's been at home playing video games all day. I do love him. But I love myself and kids too.

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 10:34 PM

Then an unbiased party like a minister might be just the ticket to help you get your thoughts together and make a decision. Like you say, the children are your first consideration.

no1knows · Jan 30, 2011, 10:37 PM

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you- it was nice to get this off my shoulders. Thank you for your time and thoughts, I appreciate every second of your time you gave to me. You are wonderful!!

Wondergirl · Jan 30, 2011, 10:50 PM

Sorry to have misled us with the Aspie thing, but your description of him was so right-on at first.

Take care and please come back to this thread after you've met with the minister -- or if anything new develops -- OR if you just want to vent. I'm retired now, and a huge snowstorm is expected this week, so I'll be right here at my computer trying not to drop cookie crumbs onto my keyboard.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2011, 04:44 AM

Hopefully this boot camp will give him the discipline he needs to hold a job, so he can get his confidence, and self esteem, and not take his frustration out on you, and the kids. Its very difficult in life to grow up with little or no love and guidance. But he got lucky when he got a strong woman.

He is frustrated, and resentful, and undisciplined. No coping skills, or people skills. And worse he can't see what he can accomplish. But he can turn himself around with the proper motivation. I think this separation will do you both a lot of good, and he is in good hands, and in a good place.

no1knows · Jan 31, 2011, 12:33 PM

Comment on Wondergirl's post

LOL ! Thank you so much! Will do!!

Comment on talaniman's post

I hope so too. I'm not sure what he thinks about the 'strong woman' thing though. I wish he would realize who I am. I work, don't spend money, good to the kids and I love him. Always

OH! And THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!! I appreciate your time and thoughts. Id be lost if it weren't for your inputs. You are a wonderful person! Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you!!