[Just_Another_Lemming]

Tema, I agree with answerme's suggestion to contact an attorney and Cat1964's additional advice. The fact that your husband is picking clothes up, not talking with you about your emails to him, and appears to be keeping his discussions with you at a minimum is concerning to me. For all we know, he may have been looking for an excuse to leave just as you have been.

Since returning here, not once have you mentioned that you took our advice and went to see a therapist on your own. From your last two posts, I assume that didn't happen. Please re-read Jake's post #11. I am sorry you went off in the wrong direction with this. But, it isn't too late to manage this without completely destroying communication between you and your husband. You need to ensure you can maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of your children.

[talaniman]

When my wife asked me for space I give it to her, until she is ready to talk. That's how guys can be. Instead of forcing an emotional confrontation. There has been little honest communications thus far, and I doubt if there will be much later.

[Temaphephetse]

Hello again everyone. Thanks again for taking your time to respond. I wish to give an update. I have been in the process of cutting all ties with ex b/f but he has a hard time accepting the no contact rule, but I'm trying my best to cut all contact, difficult as it is at times. We did have a serious talk with hubby about the marriage, he had moved in back with us by the way, after only a week of trial separation. The discussion included possibilities for seeking MC. He is totally against it, so I'm not sure if I will still continue with it myself because the main reason for me to go for MC was for working at the marriage. During the conversation, he said a lot of hurtful things, which I find difficult to get over. IN addition, like it is always the case, he turned everything around to blame me, he can never take blame for anything. When he saw I was very upset, then apologised.

Another thing is that, I have been suspicious over the past 3 months that H was involved with another woman. My instincts were right, I guess. This morning I called the other woman and asked what was going on. Did not want to confront him first without any additional info because he would simply deny. The other woman told me she was not aware that H was married and had kids, so she reluctantly confirmed something was going on. I have not confronted H about this, and I decided not to pursue it. What's the use after all? Over the 13 years we have been married, this is the 3rd affair I am aware of. All I can say now is that I feel hubby and I have hurt each other in so many ways over the years, the only thing left for us now is to go our separate ways in as far as this marriage goes. He did mention that he has been suspecting that I myself am involved with another man but does not have the proof yet. I have decided that I will come clean and tell him the truth before we go separate ways, its fair that he knows as well.Or should I keep it to myself?

The biggest concern for me at this very moment is our 2 boys, how do I handle this situation with them. I have a feeling the older boy (12 years) overheard the conversation. I'm not really sure how he feels or what to say because I know he senses something is not right. Hubby will be coming by this afternoon after work, we had scheduled another talk, and the only thing I wish to tell him is that the marriage is over but sadly for him he believes we still have a marriage. He is now trying to be all nice after all he said yesterday. I do not want to even bring this other woman up, its not worth it after all. Please help me as to which is the right way to proceed from now on? I care so much about my two boys, wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, even though its not avoidable at times.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

Tema, I am so sorry that your life has become so complicated and your marriage appears to have been on such a downward spiral for many years.

Some people here might not agree with me but I think at this point in time, it would be wise NOT to discuss the ex-bf with your husband. You mentioned early on that your husband has a temper. If he is against getting a divorce, he (his lawyer) may use any confession about your ex-bf against you. Please don't allow yourself to fall into that trap. I do agree with you regarding not bringing up his current mistress. If your husband is a spiteful man, keep that info close to the vest. You may need to use it at a later time if the divorce is not amicable and your husband tries doing something underhanded (such as attempting to take away your children, not pay child support, draining your bank accounts,. ).

My best advice for you at this point in time is, keep today's conversation with your hubby short and to the point. Allow him to do most of the talking. Please make every attempt to keep your responses to a minimum. Tell him you are going to go for counseling on your own so you can collect your thoughts. Then, FIND A GOOD DIVORCE ATTORNEY. Also ask if he/she can recommend a good counselor/therapist for you. You need some help sorting out your feelings and getting yourself through this emotionally draining period in your life. Once you get into counseling, he/she can aid you in helping you get your children through this. Just remember that kids aren't stupid. Your boys have known for a while there are problems between Mom & Dad. As unhappy as your children might be with a divorce, they are just as unhappy living in a situation where their parents don't get along. Let a counselor guide you on the specific issues as they crop up.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Temaphephetse]

Thanks for your advice Just_Another_Lemming. We are now in separation, I am staying with the boys. H does come around to check on the boys daily and I have no problem with that, he is their father after all. I am in the process of finding a good therapist for myself, I feel I really need that. What I have noticed is that H now seems remorseful but I am keeping my eyes wide open. I wouldn't want to go through what I went through all over again. As long as he refuses counseling, I know he will never change. Thanks again.