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ScottGem · Jul 17, 2010, 04:17 PM

So you both like hockey and musical theater (That's kind of a weird combination there). That's not a lot in common, that's a couple of things in common. I'll bet I could find some common interest with almost everyone on this planet.

If you had asked about being a mentor for this child, we might have agreed, but people don't ask whether its OK to be "friends" with someone. For you to ask the question indicates you were thinking (consciously or unconsciously) of a romantic relationship.

When someone posts a question here we answer the question to the best of our abilities. We don't tell the person what they want to hear. When you ask a question, you open yourself up to any answer as long as it doesn't violate our rules. You don't dictate who can reply or how.

So the bottom line, is you really need to stay away from this CHILD!

srawcliffe · Jul 19, 2010, 02:39 AM

Well, I'm going to be the first person to disagree with the other posters... I don't think it's possible to generalize. I base that on my own experience:

When my first girlfriend and I started going out, she was 12 and I was 17. She was comparatively mature for her age, I was probably comparatively immature for my age, so we probably met in the middle, maturity-wise. My ex-gf would probably say that it worked out very well. We took the physical side of things very slowly and never did have intercourse, which was probably the right thing. In retrospect, I'm astonished that her mother didn't object, but maybe that was because she already knew me, as our families were friends.

Getting back to your situation … what you do have to be aware of is that the older person in such a relationship has a big responsibility. You will almost certainly be much more mature than this guy, doubly so because girls are generally more mature than boys at this age. That doesn't just mean that you should be very cautious about what physical stuff you tempt him into, it also means being aware that you will probably have a much clearer idea as to what you want from the relationship than he does. At the risk of sounding a bit like a cheap romance novel, you have his heart in your hands. And believe me, we guys have fragile hearts!

Another aspect to think about: he will change much faster than you over the coming years and even months. Assuming he feels the same about you now, there's every chance he won't in a couple of months. So you could also be heading for heartbreak.

And of course, there is the legal side of it... if you were to get caught having sex with an underage boy you would be in deep trouble. But you doubtless know that. And there's no reason why "going out with" has to mean "going to bed with" (or, for that matter, why "going to bed with" has to mean "having intercourse with," but that's another topic!

So the direct answer to your question about whether it's wrong to "like" a boy five years younger than you is "no." Acting on your "liking" may possibly not be wrong. But think very, very carefully before you do.

JudyKayTee · Jul 19, 2010, 04:47 AM

Intercourse isn't the only legally forbidden sexual contact which can get a person arrested.

srawcliffe · Jul 19, 2010, 05:14 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Intercourse isn't the only legally forbidden sexual contact which can get a person arrested.

Good point. That will vary a lot from country to country and, in the US, from state to state.

Having said which, most places do take a more serious view of intercourse with a person under the age of consent than of other sexual activity with them.

ScottGem · Jul 19, 2010, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by srawcliffe

Well, I'm going to be the first person to disagree with the other posters ... I don't think it's possible to generalize. I base that on my own experience:

I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with since you appear to disagree with the OP having this relationship, like the others. But I disagree with you about generalizing. I think, to be on the safe side, we have to generalize. I think we NEED to discourage a relationship like this because of the very real and great possibility of problems. Also because of the large improbability of it lasting.

Lets look at your own experience. You refer to this 12 yr old as your ex. Which meant the relationship didn't work. Frankly, I read your story as a betrayal. You were apparently trusted as a family friend, so having this relationship was allowed. Yet you betrayed that trust but taking advantage of the girl. You claim she was more mature, but I'll bet it was more a matter of being enamored that a older boy was interested in her. You risked a statutory rape charge and are lucky not to have been branded.

JudyKayTee · Jul 19, 2010, 06:04 AM

Originally Posted by srawcliffe

Good point. That will vary a lot from country to country and, in the US, from state to state.

Having said which, most places do take a more serious view of intercourse with a person under the age of consent than of other sexual activity with them.

Again you are incorrect - intercourse is NOT the only sexual contact forbidden when a person is underage. That does NOT vary from country to country, from State to State.

Are you telling me that there is any State in the US in which oral sex with an underage person is NOT unlawful sexual contact?

Please post your research concerning a more "serious" view toward intercourse (with someone underage) than oral contact.

srawcliffe · Jul 19, 2010, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with since you appear to disagree with the OP having this relationship, like the others.

Not exactly. I'm saying she should be very careful about having this relationship.

It sounds like it could possibly work out, but it also sounds like it could be the cause of considerable heartache, for both sides. You're right about the improbability of the relationship lasting, and that's certainly a factor to take into account. Whether that means we should err quite so far on the side of caution as to always discourage this kind of relationship, I'm less sure.

Certainly, the relationship with my first girlfriend didn't lead to marriage, but it did last 3 years, which is a long period, especially given our ages at the time. But then -- and this is what prompted my warning about potential heartbreak for Gingeee -- the phenomenon kicked in of the younger partner changing more rapidly than the older one; she found someone else, closer to her own age, and that was the end of the relationship. We parted on good terms, but I found the breakup very painful. I can well see this happening to Gingeee, and the chances are that it would happen long before three years were up.

So I still feel that caution is called for when the ages are like this, but not a blanket "don't do it!"

srawcliffe · Jul 19, 2010, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Again you are incorrect - intercourse is NOT the only sexual contact forbidden when a person is underage. That does NOT vary from country to country, from State to State.

Are you telling me that there is any State in the US in which oral sex with an underage person is NOT unlawful sexual contact?

Nope, certainly not. My not-very-scientific scan of the Wikipedia article on the age of consent in the US indicates that most if not all US states include oral sex in their definition of penetration. However, they do not all include other forms of sexual contact. For Gingeee, of course, the relevant law is that of Scotland.

But we're getting away from her original question, which was not "Is it illegal for a 19-year-old to have sex with a 14-year-old," to which Scottish law clearly gives the answer "Yes!". She was asking "Is it wrong for a 19-year-old to like a 14-year-old," by which we assume she meant "be attracted to" or perhaps "start a relationship with." And the answer to that question is much more complex!

BTW, one suggested formula for working out an acceptable age for a partner (note, not the age at which sex would become legal) is:

0.5 x (age of older person) + 7

According to that formula, the "Minimum Boyfriend Age" for a 19-year-old-girl would be:

19 x 0.5 +7 = 9.5 + 7 = 16.5

By that formula, this boy is indeed too young, but such things can only ever be a guide, not an absolute rule.

And I'm guessing (though I could be wrong) that most of the posters on here are from the US. It does sound as if there could well be a cultural difference in attitude to age difference in relationships on the two sides of the Atlantic. Which doesn't mean that "anything goes" over here, of course, otherwise Gingeee wouldn't be asking the question!

Don't know if this is getting too off-topic, but what would people say was the lowest acceptable age in terms of morality and common sense for the boyfriend of a 19-year-old? The age of consent in different countries and states we can look up on the web. I'm interested as to what people feel is right, and on what they base that. Which I think is also (indirectly) what Gingeee wanted to know (do correct me if I'm wrong Gingeee... if you can get past all of us arguing about the legalities!)

J_9 · Jul 19, 2010, 07:24 AM

Srawcliffe,

How long ago was your particular relationship?

ScottGem · Jul 19, 2010, 08:14 AM

Originally Posted by srawcliffe

Not exactly. I'm saying she should be very careful about having this relationship.

It sounds like it could possibly work out, but it also sounds like it could be the cause of considerable heartache, for both sides. You're right about the improbability of the relationship lasting, and that's certainly a factor to take into account. Whether that means we should err quite so far on the side of caution as to always discourage this kind of relationship, I'm less sure.

Certainly, the relationship with my first gf didn't lead to marriage, but it did last 3 years, which is a long period, especially given our ages at the time. But then -- and this is what prompted my warning about potential heartbreak for Gingeee -- the phenomenon kicked in of the younger partner changing more rapidly than the older one; she found someone else, closer to her own age, and that was the end of the relationship. We parted on good terms, but I found the breakup very painful. I can well see this happening to Gingeee, and the chances are that it would happen long before three years were up.

So I still feel that caution is called for when the ages are like this, but not a blanket "don't do it!"

You really have to be kidding. In what fantasy world do you think its OK for an adult (19 is an adult) to carry on a romantic relationship with a child (14 is a child). I'm sorry, but that is just wrong through and through.

As for your formula, that formula may work when both parties are adults or both are non-adults. But it does not work when one is an adult and the other is a child. This has been discussed many times in many venues. Unless you are a member of NAMBLA, this age difference is wrong. And I'm not even dealing with as physical relationship. As I said in another post, there are reasons for age of consent laws.

Frankly, I think your responses to this type of an age gap (not just in this thread) is simply a rationalization to justify your own inappropriate relationship.

J_9 · Jul 19, 2010, 08:16 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Frankly, I think your responses to this type of an age gap (not just in this thread) is simply a rationalization to justify your own inappropriate relationship.

I wonder what he will say when his 9 year old daughter turns 14 and wants to date a 19 year old.

JudyKayTee · Jul 19, 2010, 08:17 AM

From the way this is going, he'll be "fine" with it. Undoubtedly his daughter will be very mature and the boyfriend will be very un-mature.

J_9 · Jul 19, 2010, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

From the way this is going, he'll be "fine" with it. Undoubtedly his daughter will be very mature and the boyfriend will be very un-mature.

Well, aren't most 14 year olds very mature for their age? :p

srawcliffe · Jul 19, 2010, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

From the way this is going, he'll be "fine" with it.

Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll scream "Get your filthy paws off my daughter, you pervert!" But that's because when it's my daughter my reactions will be largly emotional, whereas in the case of a person I've never met, they can be largely rational. That I consider my reactions rational doesn't mean I consider them beyond criticism, of course.

Naturally, I hope that if the situation arises I'll be able to look objectively at all elements of the situation and react in accordance with the facts. Time will tell.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 19, 2010, 10:05 AM

I can guarantee that you will see a much older guy who has no business with your daughter and you will forbid it because it is just plain wrong, emotional and factual.
There is nothing logical or rational with allowing a young man to date your 14 year old barely teen daughter.

Kitkat22 · Jul 19, 2010, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by srawcliffe

Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll scream "Get your filthy paws off my daughter, you pervert!" But that's because when it's my daughter my reactions will be largly emotional, whereas in the case of a person I've never met, they can be largely rational. That I consider my reactions rational doesn't mean I consider them beyond criticism, of course.

Naturally, I hope that if the situation arises I'll be able to look objectively at all elements of the situation and react in accordance with the facts. Time will tell.

What goes round comes round. You can look on every web site from here to Iceland. It is wrong to have a relationship if you're nineteen and the girl is fourteen.

What happened to the young innocent girl you dated?

JudyKayTee · Jul 19, 2010, 10:41 AM

Hmm - appears that the 12 year old/19 year old were having some sort of quasi-sex - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post2441749

I don't want my daughter at that age to be kissing some 19 year old guy, immature or not.

Kitkat22 · Jul 19, 2010, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Hmm - appears that the 12 year old/19 year old were having some sort of quasi-sex - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post2441749

I don't want my daughter at that age to be kissing some 19 year old guy, immature or not.

I wouldn't want him within ten miles of a middle school!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 19, 2010, 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by ;

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Hmm - appears that the 12 year old/19 year old were having some sort of quasi-sex - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post2441749

I don't want my daughter at that age to be kissing some 19 year old guy, immature or not.

Yeah, I wonder if it was this 12 year old he was dating. The creep.

redhed35 · Jul 19, 2010, 11:17 AM

Is it wrong to like a 14 year old boy,no,I like the 13 year old kid on my street,he's a lovely kid well mannered,and seems to be not a thug for his age group.

BUT,this is where it differs from your like,the kid on my street,barely makes a bleep on my rader,I don't think about him I don't need to ask anyone is it OK that I like him,because I view him as a kid.

He's just the kid who lives on my road who sometimes does odd jobs for the neighbours... end of.

The fact that you even asked the question is a red flag,you seem to feel a connection with this kid,that is what makes it wrong and not OK.

I see no difference in a women posting 'is it OK to like a 14 year old' or a man posting the same question.

The question you should be asking yourself is why you feel the need to befriend him,what is lacking in your life that makes him attractive to you (attractive as in wanting to befriend him)

What's wrong with guys your own age,although that queston has been asked here,perhaps its something for you to consider.

I would advice a man to seek councilling before this got out of hand,and I would advice you the same.