[Kitkat22]

Look we all had first loves. I don't think there's anything wrong with remembering good times.

Sometimes you can dwell on one memory so long, you begin to romanticize and you forget about what you have right in front of you.

You have a man who loves you.

This man has given you everything he can give.

He's a good father. He's a good provider.

He's been there for you when your children were born, when they were sick.

He has stayed all these years knowing how you feel.

You're planning on throwing all this away to chase an old boyfriend whom you haven't seen in twenty years.

You're going to be shocked when you do have the boyfriend. He nor you will be the same .

You'll see that loving a memory is is not what you thought it would be.

[Cat1864]

I'm sorry I have never used this site before and I have clicked on the yellow band at the top but it keeps bringing me back.

At the bottom of the thread should be a box labeled: My Answer (or something close to that). It gives you the ability to type as much as you need to say what you want. The Reply button on the individual posts is extremely limited in how much room you have to express yourself.

I don't know if this will help you, but here it goes:
On the Right side of the screen is a box that has your name in it and a few other things. One of those things looks like a wheel or gear. It brings up a menu that allows you to switch skins to the older one, too.

When you get to the older skin, go to My Profile. The button is at the top of the page on the right. It opens your User Control Panel. On the left side is a list of things that you can do to customize the way you see the site. One of the items is Edit Options. That allows you to select the skin you want to use. (It's at the bottom of the page.) v2 Light is a pretty good skin to learn about the site in. Remember to save your changes at the bottom of the page.

[talaniman]

I can understand his drinking being a problem, don't know about his other activities, but you can do something about that without cheating. Educate yourself through Alanon, and they can give you guidance and suggestions about how best to cope with someone who has a drinking problem.

[Kitkat22]

Perhaps if you show him how much his drinking is bothering you and tell him you want him to get help he'll realize you do love him.

Men feel when a woman is detached from them and this may be some of the reason for his drinking. If he gets help and you both get counseling it could work.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again.
Kit is so right as his drinking is but a symptom of a greater problem that needs to be addressed, and just maybe your thoughts of being in a better place, with a better person(?), has distracted you from seeing what it may be, or how to get to any resolution of your marital issues. Ever think he may feel inadequate with your success, or fearful in his own mind that you could leave, and take his world away?

These are things to focus on, as you BOTH may be distracted at this time about the most important things in your life, each other. You fantasize of the what could be, and he drowns his fear and insecurity in a bottle. A very vicious cycle. You both may need the right guidance to get things into focus.

[Cat1864]

LOVED188 : I looked for him when I moved trying to find him but he had moved from our hometown out of state. So no luck, I dated some but just couldn't find the right guy. I looked again before I got serious with the husband. Years later when I left the husba

You have left your husband before? Please finish this thought in an Answer box NOT with Reply.

[LOVED188]

Thanks for your help.

[LOVED188]

Yes I was saying when I left my husband before I had searched for him again. My husband begged me to come back and said he would stop drinking if I would. So I did and it all went back to the same thing, drinking like a fish.

[LOVED188]

Thank you, I will check in to that.

[Kitkat22]

You went back to your husband after you couldn't find the old flame?

Your heart wasn't in counseling and I would imagine he knew that.
You're going to go out chasing this old boyfriend fantasy and that will end your marriage.

I wish I had a Crystal ball to show you what your future is going to be when you and this "old love" finally get together again. It won't last.

Why didn't you marry him? If the love you two had was an overpowering, all consuming, death till you part kind of love why in the world would you marry someone Else and make life hell for you and your husband.

How many times have you reminded your husband you make more money than him.. or you provided the beautiful home you live in?


Geeze, no wonder he drinks.

[LOVED188]

Kitkat,
No I didn't go back to my husband because I couldn't find him I went back because he begged me and I love him.
His heart was not in counseling, mine was. I asked him to go he didn't want to. He says counseling is for crazy people and he won't do it again. He says he doesn't have a problem.
I wish you had a crystal ball too so you could show me this marriage won't go anywhere as long as he doesn't want to fix it or get help for himself.
We didn't get married because of problems with my mom and moving away.
I don't ever throw it in my husband's face that I do make more money! Ever, I respect him more than that.
He drank before I met him and he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks it's normal to drink so much and not remember the night before. This is why we can't fix our marriage. He needs help before we can work on our marriage.
Maybe I have given up and that is why I have focused on some memories so I can at least have some kind of hope. I don't know what else to do to cope anymore!

[LOVED188]

What do you mean by this... "ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again."?

[Kitkat22]

kitkat,
no I didn't go back to my husband because I couldn't find him I went back because he begged me and I love him.
His heart was not in counseling, mine was. I asked him to go he didn't want to. He says counseling is for crazy people and he won't do it again. He says he doesn't have a problem.
I wish you had a crystal ball too so you could show me this marriage won't go anywhere as long as he doesn't want to fix it or get help for himself.
We didn't get married because of problems with my mom and moving away.
I don't ever throw it in my husband's face that I do make more money! Ever, I respect him more than that.
He drank before I met him and he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks it's normal to drink so much and not remember the night before. This is why we can't fix our marriage. He needs help before we can work on our marriage.
Maybe I have given up and that is why I have focused on some memories so I can at least have some kind of hope. I don't know what else to do to cope anymore!

Spreading reputation means tal was going to disagree or agree on what I whrote in my response. He had already agreed in another thread so he has to wait awhile before giving an agree or disagree again.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you should maybe do some counseling to help you get your thoughts together. I understand you stayed with your husband when he asked you to come back. It may have been a good idea to have some counseling then on how to live with an alcoholic.
This is probably why you have been fantasizing about this man for so long, you have been unhappy.
What you should do now is figure out if you are going to stay in your marriage or leave it, but if you leave, do so because you have had enough, not to try and pick up pieces with this other guy.

[Cat1864]

If you leave, it has to be for you. It has to be because the marriage failed and there was nothing left to pick up. You've lived in the past long enough. Look to the future and what makes you happy. DO NOT rely on someone else to fill the void or make you happy.

Part of my problem with the old flame is that you only know what HE has told you about his life. I wonder if his wife thinks they have a perfect marriage. I am worried that you may be making future plans based on very inaccurate information and that as soon as you are 'free'. He will be making all kinds of excuses about why he isn't.

We have had that happen to other people asking for advice for about the same question.

[Kitkat22]

If he were willing to go to AA would you stand by him?

Talk to a minister and ask him to go with you.

If he refuses then you tell him he has a choice.

Tell him you want to fix your marriage but he has to try also.

Tell him you have too know if he's willing to take that first step toward getting help.

Tell him all the years of drinking is
Taking it's toll and you want it to change.

Tell him his children need him and so do you, but you don't need him drinking all the time and neither do his children.

Ask him if he will still be drinking when you all have grandchildren and how that will affect them.

This old flame needs to work out his marriage also. Tell him this.

If you can get your own marriage straightened out, maybe you won't feel the same about this guy.

Remember this nobody likes to feel unloved in a marriage.

Men are funny creatures when it comes to being the breadwinner in the family.

Some men, not all of them feel less a man if the wife makes more money than he does.

Take all this into consideration and do the right thing.

[Homegirl 50]

Have to spread some rep but I agree with Cat1864
You don't know if what this guy has told you about his life is true.
If you leave, do so for you, not for a chance with this guy you have not seen in 20 years

[Kitkat22]

Homegirl and Cat are right.

How do you know this guy is telling the truth?

Does he have children?

Has he really been truthfull as to his feelings.

I wonder what he would do if you told him you were going to get a divorce?

Ask him when he's going to tell his wife!

Why did you not marry him? Because of your mother?

High School romance? Has he been married more than once?

[LOVED188]

I agree men do feel insecure or "not a man" when their wife does make more and he says it doesn't bother him but inside it may. I have tried to get him into a career and he just doesn't want to do it. He won't go to school or anything to better himself. He has walked off jobs before because he was unhappy and left me supporting the family and I know this doesn't have a lot to do with what we are talking about but I want you to understand why I had to step up and do what was needed to support my kids and have my own career in order to raise my kids. I've tried everything to make him feel better about himself but he has no motivation. I seriously think he could use the counseling but he refuses.
If he went to AA I would stand by him. I love him and want what's best for him regardless of whether we stay together or not.
I have done counseling for me in the past but they tell me that it will help me but not us. I am going to go again whether he goes or not to at least help me with my confusion and get my thoughts straight.
I do know the ex is an honest man and will not lie to save his life, he can be brutally honest. I know the wife is not happy either. We have discussed that nothing will ever happen until we are both single. Neither of us want to hurt our spouses and we have discussed not talking to each other for a while maybe a once and a while "hello, how are you?" He doesn't want to ruin my family and nor I his.

[LOVED188]

For the kids.