My first true love has contacted me after many years, we have both been married but not very happy for many years and have looked for each other. We didn't have any closure on our breakup and it was kindof stupid. We both have mutual feelings and have loved the other over the years. I am so confused on what to do because I have thought of leaving my husband for many years and have waited for our youngest child to finish school. Both of our children are pretty much grown and we both accept that we have commitments to our families but are confused on what to do. We have spoke about being together just don't know when because of our commitments. What do I do? I never knew feelings could last this long.

Before you even think about breaking your marriage you listen to me. If you leave your husband for this old flame, don't think you can recapture what you had many years ago. You are basing your future and your families happiness on a dream, a memory.

Even if you do go to him.. it will not be like you remember. The past can never be recaptured and you are risking your marriage to a man who is probably a good husband and father,for a man you've built up through the years to be your true love.

You are dreaming of what it was like then. It won't be that way again. You have held on to this mans memory for years and that's
Why your marriage hasn't been the way it should be.

You are probably going to do what you want, but if you do please let us know when it doesn't work out.

If you both are going behind your partners back, and plotting on how to be together then you're both WRONG.

Are you have a physical affair?? Then end it and focus on your own house or leave your partners and do your thing.

Bad behavior is not your answer and unless you are ready to leave your partners, don't play the cheating game. That's a disgusting way to solve a problem.

Cheating is not the answer. Jumping from one marriage to another is not the answer either.

First, you need to figure out your issues with your husband. If a marriage cannot be salvaged, then go your separate ways.

As for your old flame. He has his own marriage to worry about. Let him deal with his own issues.

If you both ended in divorce, spend some time recovering. And then found each other, then worry about it then. But that's not the case right now. Deal with the issue at hand, which is your current marriage.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LOVED188

We have spoke about being together just don't know when because of our commitments. What do I do? I never knew feelings could last this long.

---

Hello LOVED:

I love every girl that I ever loved, as much today as I ever did. So, I understand. What do you DO about it?? You wait till your current commitment expires, whenever that is.

excon

Have you ever gone to a High School reunion? You can't wait to see all the friends you haven't seen for years, catch up on old times?

On the way home all you feel is a little sad because you have nothing in common with most of the ones you went to High School with.

You find the pedestals you had a lot of them on have crumbled and they are ordinary . The football jock is balding and a little hefty.

The beauty queen and homecoming queen still act as though they are better than anyone else, although you know one has been married four times in the last twenty years and the other is an alcoholic who lost her husband to another woman.

That's how this is going to be. The memories are are better than the reality. Think before you do this. He has a family and a wife and you have a husband and children.

There's more people involved than you two. When was the last time you seen this man?

How many years has it been since you've seen him?

Neither one of us want to hurt our spouses in anyway but is there any reason to be so unhappy where we are. We agree we want to be there for our kids and they are almost grown so only time will tell. It's just really confusing and don't know what to do about it. How can you get someone like that out of your head and heart? He's an amazing caring person.

If you have the option of changing back to the old skin, which is at the very top of the page in a yellow band, then you can have a complete input to this thread.

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : We aren't plotting just discussed it. We both know we have families and are committed to that and nothing will happen until we are divorced. We have respect for the other's family and we have only talked on the phone or email and have recently stop

---

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : I agree I wouldn't jump into it again. We would have to try a relationship only when we were both free of our obligations.

---

Glad you have chosen a better path. Whatever happens staying within the boundaries of good behavior and not acting out of impulse will keep you on the right side of your family issues. At least you won't be as distracted by seeking happiness elsewhere. Talk to your husband and see if you can work together to resolve your issues is a better plan than dreaming of the past, and think that that's where you would rather be.

Taking care of business at home has to be the priority now.

What happens when you both get a divorce, start dating and find out all those old feelings were just part of being young? What then?

Your husband hopefully will have moved on to someone who truly loves him and his new wife will make up for the years of you regretting him not being the one
You wished you had married.

Then the old flame will start wishing he had another chance with his ex, because after you two have finished talking about the past and consummate this great love
What will you have left?

How Long has it been since you saw him?

You say your marriage is one sided?

You say you do all the trying and you're tired?

I'll bet the reason your husband stopped trying is because he knew he was competing with a memory and in in his eyes you never loved him as much as you loved this memory.

Why in the world would you marry somebody you don't love?

I'll bet your husband is a good man and I also wager he's a good Dad.

It's hard having a good marriage when there's another man who sleeps between you two every night and has all these years.

You are the problem in your marriage if all these years you have been in love with another man and stayed married to another.

Why didn't you leave when both of you were younger. I guess there was no Face book or texting or on line searches and you couldn't find him.

You are doing so wrong by treating your husband like this.
Your children know and your family knows. He won't leave his family for you. He might think he will but I don't believe he will after you have been together. Think about.

Yes my marriage has been onesided for many years because my husband has cared more about his drinking and other activities rather than being with his family. I have tried and tried to involve him and his interest has been gone for a long time. So y

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : Yes my marriage has been onesided for many years because my husband has cared more about his drinking and other activities rather than being with his family. I have tried and tried to involve him and his interest has been gone for a long time. So y

---

Instead of trying to get him more involved, and being upset with the results, why not try involving yourself with some clean adult things that you enjoy. Thing that make you feel fulfilled, like outside activities that you can look forward to, even a career if the children are old enough. Something that makes you feel good about you. In this way you don't have to be so frustrated and can give him space to make up his own mind what he wants to do as clearly your efforts only push him away the harder you pull.

There is no reason for you to be unhappy, as I think once you see the situation differently and apply your energy to you, it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship by eliminating frustration, and resentments on your part. From what you have written I think your kids are old enough for you to make time for yourself. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
I think many wives go through this as the nest empties, as the children get older. You are not alone in that, but don't think another man is the best, or only choice you have. Its not, as there is plenty of things to be involved with that can make you a happier person in your own right.

We could also communicate with you better if you could click over to the old skin, If you have the option of changing back to the old skin, which is at the very top of the page in a yellow band, then you can have a complete input to this thread.

You have not seen this man in 20 years. If you two are thinking you can pick things right up from there, you are fooling yourself.

I think you are unhappy, your children will soon be leaving and you're thinking "what now!" This old boyfriend is a fantasy.
This would be a good time to talk to your husband see if you to can rekindle what you had before.
Cut contact with this old beau. You cannot move forward or even help the situation at home as long as you are mooning over him.

Quote:

---

LOVED188 : I've seen pictures of him but the last time I seen him was about 20 years ago. We have both looked for each other over the years. We haven't seen each other face to face due to fear of what would happen because of our feelings for each other.

---

When was the first time your tried finding the ex? How many times over the years until you finally did get in touch? If you were honest with yourself, would you say that you have been emotionally cheating with a memory on your husband for years?

Very few people have what could be considered complete 'closure' from any relationship. Even the death of the other person, as final it can get, doesn't stop people from wishing they had been able to get closure. Most people have to get closure in their own mind and heart. It isn't easy and it takes work and giving yourself permission to let go.

If you look back on your relationship with your husband, were you ever fully involved emotionally with your husband or did some part of your brain hold out on the hope that Mr. X would ride in and save you from making a big mistake? When did your husband start drinking, etc. and being 'not involved'?

You talk about not wanting to hurt your respective spouses, do you really think they are deaf, mute, and blind? Read the many threads on this site dealing with spouses who have been hurt by their partners talking to old flames. Their partners think they don't know what is going on, too.

Talking to your husband, you said, results in changes that go back to the way things were after a while. Changes only stay if both parties work to keep them in place. It seems both of you gave up on making it look like the changes were working.

Imagine how your husband feels. You are emotionally detached from him
.

Just going through the motions making yourself touch him.


Probably visualizing it's the other one when you're having sex.

Comparing everything he does to the way he did it.

Hoping and praying you'll see the dreamboat again and finally you reconnect.

Doesn't matter if the children and the family yours and his has been broken, You are together.

Voilà, it's great until you realize something's missing. You know what it is ?

The memories you had aren't memories anymore... and it isn't what you thought it would be.

Too late... you got what you asked for and you realize some memories should be left alone.

I am not thinking that we can just pick up where we left off but there might be a chance if we still care about each other maybe someday we could if we are both single. I have had several talks with my husband and he just keeps asking for me to give

Yes my kids are old enough and I do have a career. I have worked more hours than he has and made double the money he has over the years. I have bought my dream home for the family so the kids would be happy and could entertain their friends. I have

I simply cannot stand any of these half answers. Please poster communicate with us in a better way and that involves you changing your skins to the old way at the top of the page. Its a yellow bar that allows you to answer completely with no word restrictions.

I'm sorry I have never used this site before and I have clicked on the yellow band at the top but it keeps bringing me back.