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JudyKayTee · Apr 29, 2010, 03:52 PM

You didn't answer my question - why didn't you go to the last meeting with the mediator?

No, who pays for the mediation doesn't matter. If you have no income, yes, it could raise the question of who pays to raise the child. On the other hand, if you collect unemployment or some other benefits, it doesn't matter.

Why you don't work does matter.

Synnen · Apr 29, 2010, 04:02 PM

So between April 26th at 12:23 AM and today (3 days)---you lost your really great job? I mean, you state straight out that you've got a really great job and a house, and then you state that you don't have a job on 4/29/10 at 4:52 PM.

So... can we get the straight story?

Frankly, I'd be ticked off if I were your husband too! You have every right to leave your marriage, but if there was no abuse involved (and it doesn't sound like there was), then you had NO right to take your daughter and move to another state. You very well might have to move HER back, even if you don't have to move back yourself.

You and your husband want the same things---primary time with your daughter, with the other parent getting summers/breaks/holidays/whatever. Well, you can't BOTH have that.

Based on what I've seen of your story so far, I am not sure why you think you should have primary custody. He's got the job, he has the home she lived in until you up and left. YOU are the one that had a boyfriend while still married. YOU are the one that left to move in with someone else.

Why in the world are you worried about how you will look for not paying for mediation? You've got a lot bigger things to worry about, frankly.

stephy8805 · Apr 30, 2010, 07:00 AM

I understand that. So the mediator will recommend what's best for our daughter, I know. Can he tell a judge to have me move back? I thought the mediator will want to do what's best for our daughter? Should I expect the topic of me moving in with my boyfriend to come up during mediation?

JudyKayTee · Apr 30, 2010, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by stephy8805

i understand that. so the mediator will recommend whats best for our daughter, i know. can he tell a judge to have me move back? i thought the mediator will want to do whats best for our daughter?? should i expect the topic of me moving in with my boyfriend to come up during mediation?

Please answer Synnen's question - your history has changed substantially since you began thei thread. What is the truth here?

The mediator WILL recommend what's best for your daughter. Your "ex" doesn't tell the Judge anything. He requests whatever relief he is seeking and the Judge decides.

And, yes, the fact that you are living with a boyfriend can and will enter the picture - as well as why you moved, whether it was so that you could be closer to/live with the boyfriend.

And if you removed your daughter so YOU could be closer to your boyfriend (and didn't move for employment or family purposes) it will not look good for you.

Quite frankly, I am concerned that you admit you lie on Facebook and Myspace. I'm not 100% sure you aren't lying now because your story has changed so drastically.

stephy8805 · May 1, 2010, 03:27 AM

OK here's the truth I did move to be with my boyfriend closer to his family but since then I found a good job that pays well. How will that make me look bad? And again, will the mediator touch base on all this and ask me these questions: why I moved, etc? Honestly, I moved to get a fresh start with my life.

JudyKayTee · May 1, 2010, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by stephy8805

ok heres the truth i did move to be with my boyfriend closer to his family but since then i found a good job that pays well. how will that make me look bad? and again, will the mediator touch base on all this and ask me these questions: why i moved, etc? honestly, i moved to get a fresh start with my life.

Your turning and twisting of the facts makes me question the truth, what you will say in an attempt to make yourself look good BUT my opinion is that this was a move to be closer to your boyfriend, removing a child from the father, not a move for a higher-paying job.

As Synnen pointed out - you change your story to suit the answers. Not fair to those of us who are volunteering our time and attempting to help you.

You will look like this was a malicious move.

Yes, the mediator will "touch" on this - big time.

You need to get a fresh start; your child needs a father. You also need an Attorney. I'd worry less about money and more about your child.

Sorry to be harsh but I see this thread to be a waste because the advice was based on a series of lies. Try to be more honest with your Attorney or this will cost you BIG in the end.

Let us know how this works out.

stephy8805 · May 1, 2010, 01:29 PM

I do have an attorney that's why were going to mediation. The judge ordered us to go.

JudyKayTee · May 1, 2010, 06:21 PM

Then why are you here, telling half truths and quite frankly taking time from other people who have serious concerns?

stephy8805 · May 1, 2010, 07:41 PM

It's a legal aid attorney. Not a good one either and seems like they don't know what they are doing...

Fr_Chuck · May 1, 2010, 07:47 PM

In the end, what is normally good for the child is to be with father and mother ( in courts eyes) if one parent moves away without getting permission of the other parent it is very common for them to be told to move back or to send the child back to the other parent. ** The one who did not move away is considered often to get the child if the other parent refuses to move back.

You working or living with someone will have little issue about this, what does, is how will the father get to visit the child and why should he not be able to see the child every other weekend or have joint custody. You by moving took this right away from him.

Showing how you can pay for transport of the child back to see the father, how he father will not lose any visit time will be what the court will be interested in

stephy8805 · May 2, 2010, 12:04 AM

Well the court pretty much ordered mediation to follow. What he ordered is we both share him week to week and have to both pick him up from each others houses... soi don't know how ill be responsible for transportation.. will the mediator resolve that part or bring this up? The father wants joint custody both physical and legal if I were to move back but since I'm not he wants joint legal and sole custody with me being the visiting parent. How can he even do that if our daughters been with me longer than him with me in my new home?

cdad · May 2, 2010, 05:12 AM

Originally Posted by stephy8805

well the court pretty much ordered mediation to follow. what he ordered is we both share him week to week and have to both pick him up from each others houses... soi dont know how ill be responsible for transportation.. will the mediator resolve that part or bring this up? the father wants joint custody both physical and legal if i were to move back but since im not he wants joint legal and sole custody with me being the visiting parent. how can he even do that if our daughters been with me longer than him with me in my new home??

Quite frankly Im going to say this and its because Im not sure your understanding or not. So this should be clear as glass. You stole the child. Then you played games to keep him from the child by moving to another state. And now your trying to play games yet again. The courts are going to see right through this and if you refuse to start being mature about this and actually putting your child first then they will see to it that the other party does. And if neither of you can do it the child will be taken away.

JudyKayTee · May 2, 2010, 06:05 AM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Quite frankly Im going to say this and its because Im not sure your understanding or not. So this should be clear as glass. You stole the child. Then you played games to keep him from the child by moving to another state. And now your trying to play games yet again. The courts are going to see right through this and if you refuse to start being mature about this and actually putting your child first then they will see to it that the other party does. And if neither of you can do it the child will be taken away.

Absolutely - and the OP doesn't get "it." As far as the Legal Aid Attorney not being very good, again, you went from a high paying job to a Legal Aid Attorney.

Everything that can be said has been said and this is one long game to OP - in my eyes.

I assume the Court will feel the same way. They'll cut through the half truths with a knife.

stephy8805 · May 3, 2010, 06:22 PM

OK so my best bet is coming to an agreement with the ex husband through mediation. But we both want sole physical custody and I want sole legal while he wants joint legal? How will that work out?

stinawords · May 3, 2010, 08:03 PM

Well if you contine to want completely different things it won't work out. That is the point that we have been trying so hard to make. You are going to have to realize that you were in the wrong when you took your daughter and moved in with a boyfriend out of state. Therefore, you are going to have to bend what you want to make it more likely that it will be a reality. Admitting your own faults is generally the hardest part. You really need to realize that joint legal is what is going to happen so forget about trying to get sole legal. If you are still wanting physical custody you are going to have to offer him a LOT of visitation for him to even consider your proposal.

JudyKayTee · May 4, 2010, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by stephy8805

ok so my best bet is coming to an agreement with the ex husband through mediation. but we both want sole physical custody and i want sole legal while he wants joint legal? how will that work out??

You have to get real here - it doesn't matter what you want. You are clearly in the wrong. The mediator will determine what is in the best interest of the child. Keep in mind that you removed the child from the father.

I don't see you holding any bargaining chips here.

Again - what you want is going to matter very little.

Are you reading the answers?

stephy8805 · May 5, 2010, 02:37 PM

But I thought the mediator can only make recommendations and not decisions? Like he can't decide who gets physical custody of our daughter but he will look down on me for being bad for taking our daughter away from him?

Synnen · May 5, 2010, 03:42 PM

He can only make recommendations, true. But you need to work TOGETHER.

You're not BOTH going to get what you want. The mediator is there to try to help you work together to come to a decision without having to go to court. So... essentially, he's there to MEDIATE between you and your husband so that the two of you can figure it out between you.

It doesn't MATTER what the mediator thinks of you, other than whether you are actually being reasonable in determining a course of action that is best for your child. A mediator is a neutral third party.

HOWEVER--if you do have to go to court (and since I can't see either of you backing down on the physical custody thing, a mediator isn't going to do you a damned bit of good, and I think you WILL have to go to court), then your JUDGE will probably look badly on your actions of the last year or so.

Taking your child away from your husband to live with a boyfriend (and not even filing for divorce!) doesn't look good to me--it looks selfish and childish. How would you have felt if your husband had taken off to another state with your child to live with his girlfriend? How do you think people would look at that situation?

stinawords · May 5, 2010, 08:45 PM

The mediator does not make the final call. Like explained earlier they are there to help the two of you stay out of court. I personally, don't see that happening. So, in the case of it going to court their recommendations and observations of their experience with the two of you will matter a great deal. I still stand by what I have said previously. You are going to have to work very hard to come to an agreement with the father because that is the best option you have. You will be worse off going to court.