[Kitkat22]

Sounds like a Jerry Springer script :cool:

Maybe the need to go on Jerry Springers show!:D

[Kitkat22]

Why in the worl would you want to have a life with this guy!

[lea_09]

Because he is my best friend too and my first love. Yeah it is drama but I would rather be on Doctor Oz.

[Kitkat22]

Good you have a sense of humor and Dr. Oz is a cutie. I hope you realize we are only try to help. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just think this guy is not good enough for you. Seems he likes to inflict more pain by telling you of his exploits.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and felt good about yourself? You are someone important. You are on this earth for a purpose. Don't let him take away any more joy from your life. Blessings and once again I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.:o

[kp2171]

Because he is my best friend too and my first love. Yeah it is drama but I would rather be on Doctor Oz.

I suspect that you will have better friends and better loves than this.

[smoothy]

Because he is my best friend too and my first love. Yeah it is drama but I would rather be on Doctor Oz.

All the more reason to move on. He's your first love... therefore you can't possibly know how much better it can be than it is with him.

Take our word for it... it can be and usually is better. You never forget your first love... but conversely... they very rarely ever make the best partner for life.

[88sunflower]

If I married my first love I would have been divorced ten times over by now! Oh yes, we dated three years and he was my first everything. Thank god I matured is all I can say. You will get over him quickly trust me. Don't put much value on him. Unless this is how you like to be treated.

[Cat1864]

Lea, a first love is almost always a first love. Emphasize the word 'first'. 'First' means that there will be more. What makes a 'first love' so special is that nothing comes before it. It isn't like it won a competition and came in 'first' place. Other loves can be stronger and last longer.

Part of maturing emotionally is recognizing that some relationships aren't what we think they are or what we want them to be. With that recognition comes the understanding that we have to let them go. It hurts, but we learn and create better tools to build stronger relationships. We learn what we want in a relationship (friends as well as romantic) and, hopefully, how to stay away from what we don't want.

'Best' friends aren't always what they seem. A 'best' friend doesn't go out of their way to cause pain to someone they care about. Your 'boyfriend', at best, tried to cause you pain. Whether he actually cheated or not doesn't matter, he wanted you to think he did. Those types of 'games' destroy relationships and show that he isn't ready to be in a serious relationship.

Good luck with any decisions you make about this person. Please, keep in mind that there is always more advice and help here whether you keep him or get rid of him.

[Kitkat22]

First love is just that! I married my first love, who turned into a brutal, abusive monster. Be careful what you wish for!

[lea_09]

You guys gave amazing advice. I believe that we need time to change and mature. But what if things are getting kind of better. I mean we aren't fighting and he is being supportive about school in the same town. And he made plans to pay for my college because he gets extra money from his scholarships. He sounded sincere and he told me randomly while we were watching a movie. I mean he seems willing to change and I am happy he is doing it. What else is there that I am missing besides maybe I should just move on?

[Kitkat22]

I wish you luck. Do not let him lull you back into a sense of all is well. Once a cheater cheats it's always hard to trust him.

[smoothy]

You guys gave amazing advice. I believe that we need time to change and mature. But what if things are getting kinda better. I mean we aren't fighting and he is being supportive about school in the same town. And he made plans to pay for my college because he gets extra money from his scholarships. He sounded sincere and he told me randomly while we were watching a movie. I mean he seems willing to change and I am happy he is doing it. What else is there that I am missing besides maybe I should just move on?

He isn't changing... he's pretending tio change. And what do you mean he gets extra money for HIS scholarships? I don't think that's HIS money to throw around for anything but his own education (not from what "I" understand about scholarships, they all have conditions)... besides. How are you going to possibly know what good is, and what great can be if this is your only perspective.

Besides... "he sounded sincere"... really? Man if I gould tell you the times a woman... and I do mean many more than one... "Sounded Sincere" you would not bleieve me. People say what they want when they think it will get them what they want. And when its not in their nature to do so... which is always the case in a lie... they go right back to what they normally do. Which caused the problem in the first place.

While occaisional disagreements are common with couples even just dating... frequent fights are not. When you are dating you are on your best behaviour... when you get married that all goes out the door... then its "Suprise" look what you just bought.

[Kitkat22]

He isn't changing...he's pretending tio change. And what do you mean he gets extra money for HIS scholarships? I don't think thats HIS money to throw around for anything but his own education (not from what "I" understand about scholarships, they all have conditions)....besides. How are you going to possibly know what good is, and what great can be if this is your only perspective.

Besides...."he sounded sincere"......really? Man if I gould tell you the times a woman.....and I do mean many more than one.... "Sounded Sincere" you would not bleieve me. People say what they want when they think it will get them what they want. And when its not in their nature to do so....which is always the case in a lie....they go right back to what they normally do. Which caused the problem in the first place.

While occaisional disagreements are common with couples even just dating....frequent fights are not. When you are dating you are on your best behaviour.... when you get married that all goes out the door....then its "Suprise" look what you just bought.

Lea... I hope you find happiness and peace in your life! Nobody needs all the worry you have in this relationship. Get away and have NC for awhile and see what happens. You need to let him know you are not going to let him punish you for the rest of your life over one mistake. You'll gain more respect from him if you stand up for yourself.

You're intelligent and I believe your searching for true peace in your heart. You deserve to be happy and you need to get off this rollercoaster and find you again. You are in my prayers little girl. Be strong:)

[kp2171]

And he made plans to pay for my college because he gets extra money from his scholarships.

Why in the world should he pay for your college? I just see this as a conflict of interest... one in which you will force yourself to become dependent on a person who has recently been a jerk to you...

Great that you aren't fighting. Let me know how it is when there is drama... because it is easy when its easy... its when there is conflict that the real colors of the relationship comes through.

So... a person doesn't mature this fast. He might be rethinking and retooling and he might be making real mental changes that could play out well. Lord knows I'm grateful for second and third chances after the dumb things I've done...

But of all of the recent developments, I'm most concerned that you are going to be tied to him financially for school. Might be easy on the wallet for you, but there could be a price to pay.

[lea_09]

He isn't changing...he's pretending tio change. And what do you mean he gets extra money for HIS scholarships? I don't think thats HIS money to throw around for anything but his own education (not from what "I" understand about scholarships, they all have conditions)....besides. How are you going to possibly know what good is, and what great can be if this is your only perspective.

I don't see what you're saying about my 'perspective'. I mean sure it is sweet of him to offer that. He get's a full ride for tennis and he gets an extra 30g per year for grades from merits. He receives cash so he gets to choose what he wants to do with it. And his parents already put away so much money for him and his brother that they might buy another house in the college town where we will be this fall. I don't think I am digging a hole, but I believe he is more dependent on me for happiness. We stopped fighting, but now I am doing what my friends do with their bfs just fight because I need attention. I love attention and I am so use to getting it from everybody and he usually gives me attention because he always likes to hang out alone. The reasons are irrelevant to why he likes to (we still have friends around us occasionally but he has always been like that since I can remember in high school).

[smoothy]

I don't see what you're saying about my 'perspective'. I mean sure it is sweet of him to offer that. He get's a full ride for tennis and he gets an extra 30g per year for grades from merits. He recieves cash so he gets to choose what he wants to do with it. And his parents already put away so much money for him and his brother that they might buy another house in the college town where we will be this fall. I don't think I am digging a hole, but I believe he is more dependent on me for happiness. We stopped fighting, but now I am doing what my friends do with their bfs just fight bc I need attention. I love attention and I am so use to getting it from everybody and he usually gives me attention bc he always likes to hang out alone. The reasons are irrelevant to why he likes to (we still have friends around us occasionally but he has always been like that since I can remember in high school).

What you don't want to be is "High Maintenance" any guy will tire of a prima-donna eventually. They want a partner, not a project. I've known several High maintenance women over the years... I walked away from all of them, none was even half as special as they believed they were. In fact, my wife was twice the woman all of them were, combined, and had none of the "look at me, I'm so special" arrogance they had. Just a down to earth, this is who I am type who never pretended to be anything more than she was.


As far as his grants go... he may appear to have excess funds... but he needs to be careful. Grants come with conditions... nobody throws money at someone else and tells them, do ANYTHING you want with it. Its always assumed to be for him and his personal expenses. You can't assume otherwise or you are opening yourself as well as him up for a lot of trouble. Consider the fact that if there were conditiions they can come after that money for misuse. You don't want to be there. One thing I've learned over the years... just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. Particularly when you are young and trying to impress others. In other words, believe only what you can verify yourself.

The late Ronald Regan said it best... "Trust, but verify"

[Kitkat22]

What you don't want to be is "High Maintenance" any guy will tire of a prima-donna eventually. They want a partner, not a project. I've known several High maintenance women over the years....I walked away from all of them, none was even half as special as they believed they were. In fact, my wife was twice the woman all of them were, combined, and had none of the "look at me, I'm so special" arrogance they had. Just a down to earth, this is who I am type who never pretended to be anything more than she was.


As far as his grants go.....he may appear to have excess funds....but he needs to be careful. Grants come with conditions....nobody throws money at someone else and tells them, do ANYTHING you want with it. Its always assumed to be for him and his personal expenses. You can't assume otherwise or you are opening yourself as well as him up for a lot of trouble. Consider the fact that if there were conditiions they can come after that money for misuse. You don't want to be there. One thing I've learned over the years....just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. Particularly when you are young and trying to impress others. In other words, believe only what you can verify yourself.

The late Ronald Regan said it best...."Trust, but verify"

Lea, why don't you merge this thread with the how to gain trust again.

[lea_09]

One thing I've learned over the years....just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. Particularly when you are young and trying to impress others. In other words, believe only what you can verify yourself.

The late Ronald Regan said it best...."Trust, but verify"

Well, true. I am kind of tired of him saying something then doing another thing. I can't trust him with a lot of things now. I try to but I feel like I can't take it anymore. I am like in tears now because I try to talk to him during the day but he ignores me. I mean it is nice you tell the person that you got something to do like homework and you can't talk. I can't take it anymore and I am doing the crappy break up and ignoring him and not ever talking to him. I mean it is hard, but he is hitting me where it hurts and he hasn't given me one good reason why he loves me or wants to be with me. I am tired of it.

[Kitkat22]

Well, true. I am kinda tired of him saying something then doing another thing. I can't trust him with a lot of things now. I try to but I feel like I can't take it anymore. I am like in tears now because I try to talk to him during the day but he ignores me. I mean it is nice you tell the person that you got something to do like homework and you can't talk. I can't take it anymore and I am doing the crappy break up and ignoring him and not ever talking to him. I mean it is hard, but he is hitting me where it hurts and he hasn't given me one good reason why he loves me or wants to be with me. I am tired of it.

You need to get out of it and do some soul searching. I think you need time alone.:)

[friend4u178]

Well, true. I am kinda tired of him saying something then doing another thing. I can't trust him with a lot of things now. I try to but I feel like I can't take it anymore. I am like in tears now because I try to talk to him during the day but he ignores me. I mean it is nice you tell the person that you got something to do like homework and you can't talk. I can't take it anymore and I am doing the crappy break up and ignoring him and not ever talking to him. I mean it is hard, but he is hitting me where it hurts and he hasn't given me one good reason why he loves me or wants to be with me. I am tired of it.

I think you may have been told that this is what you need to do and have ignored it so far , I really hope you've seen the light and just DO IT.

Why would you stay with someone who you can't trust anyway , it's beyond me :rolleyes: