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PatBateman · Nov 27, 2006, 07:12 PM

At first, I thought the no-contact thing was detrimental. My line of reasoning was that you had to fight to preserve what's left of the relationship, or fight, aka "force" a friendship. But the truth is that nothing can ever be forced, and definitely not forced by becoming a stalker, or one who simply cannot LET GO.

I had huge issues with my ex doing the no contact thing almost too perfectly with me, and sometimes it's still hard for me. It makes me think just how easily I can be forgotten, but I always remind myself that it's for the good, as these things must occur naturally.

Thus, my bottom line statement is that getting back with an ex can never be forced by either party, but rather it spawns from a self-realization that pushes the party that did the breaking-up to the party that got dumped, and then it is up to the person who got dumped to decide whether it is healthy or not.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 04:34 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'm not sure it's at all healthy. In my own personal experience, I've never gotten back with an ex. I've always been a firm believer that, when it's over, it's over. Or, to quote Wildcat, it's broke for a reason. I do believe this to be true. I think that people who get back with an ex are just looking for some sort of crutch or security blanket. Now, I believe that it is possible that one of the twosome might be a manipulator and be fully aware that there's no real potential but drag the other along anyhow, just for "something to do when there's nothing better to do", if you get my drift. This raises an even bigger red flag on the idea of getting back with an ex, the idea that one may be just using the other for "benefits" without ever intending anything lasting to come of it. The problem is, the naive partner gets hurt all the more in the end.

On reflection, sometimes I think this is what happened to me... In a way..

I mean, she split up with me 3 times, but then she was young and needed to live her life single for a while.

But I still got hurt in the end. If I had just not taken her back the first two times, I would not feel like this.

Wildcat was right in what he said in one of his responses in my threads, I am way too forgiving. Perhaps this is part of my personal growth, to not be like this too much. Forgiving is a good thing but being a doormat is not.

Oh well, Live and learn eh... LIVE AND LEARN!

I've just realised I have come across a bit bitter in this post, that's not good is it. Like I say, all healers slip back sometimes.. It really is like two steps forward 1 step back or sometimes 2 steps forward 3 steps back..

ballybee · Nov 28, 2006, 05:28 AM

From my experience, breakups blow away the soap bubble you two were floating in... getting back with an ex as mentionned by wild cat has nothing unhealthy.. it enables you to start again on more realistic grounds... and you feel more at ease to put forward what you expect from the relationship and you come along with less illusions that is if you manage to stick to the terms you fixed yourselves.
All this I believe is applicable obivously if there has always been mutual respect between two people...

I have to say this forum is just amazing and I've come across the best advices I could possibly have..

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 06:00 AM

Actually this is quite a good thread...

I'm seeing in my life many examples of people who were good together , broke up for some reason , the dumpee moved on and the dumper regret.
Most of the girls I have know who dumped their guy regret it within 2 years, some of them lost out on the wild girl phase and thought they wanted a more exciting life, but by the time they had found that excitement the dumpee had moved on. Now the guy in my office who got dumped last year and moved on has his ex calling and getting jealous when he mentions his new girl.

Ive also seen many examples of people getting back together and having a realistic ,mature relationship the second time around.

talaniman · Nov 28, 2006, 06:56 AM

Lets not forget that we change as we grow older and realise our needs and wants change also. I have never gone back to an ex, I think because the healing process has you seeing things in a realistic light and you just move on to bigger and better things. But the main point is you grow and become more mature, and handle people and situations better, with less drama. Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, or 40. People either grow together , or they grow apart for whatever reason. A lot of people who post here are young with very few life experiences and get devastated by the loss of that first great love. It takes so much time and work to get healthy again. Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship. Sadly its hard to be friends with an ex, just because of all the feelings that we must overcome, and may not be ready, or able to deal with those feelings for YEARS. I think its vastly more important to get over those feelings, and get back to being healthy, than worrying about getting back with some one who is moving on. Those past experiences teach us how to grow to be better with the next relationship.

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 07:03 AM

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, I'm agreeing with you too much ;-)

I Totally agree... I don't know how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
But so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what I thought love was in 20s...

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Lets not forget that we change as we grow older and realise our needs and wants change also. I have never gone back to an ex, i think because the healing process has you seeing things in a realistic light and you just move on to bigger and better things. But the main point is you grow and become more mature, and handle people and situations better, with less drama. Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, or 40. People either grow together , or they grow apart for whatever reason. A lot of people who post here are young with very few life experiences and get devastated by the loss of that first great love. It takes so much time and work to get healthy again. Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship. Sadly its hard to be friends with an ex, just because of all the feelings that we must overcome, and may not be ready, or able to deal with those feelings for YEARS. I think its vastly more important to get over those feelings, and get back to being healthy, than worrying about getting back with some one who is moving on. Those past experiences teach us how to grow to be better with the next relationship.

I like all of this tal.. You are really inspiring in the way that you express your thoughts on these things.

When I reflect and look back on my break-up, I believe that my ex dragged me along on her rollercoaster of learning. I was in a way the hand luggage she was holding onto until she needed to leave me to understand who she really was. For me, it was different and the confusion is more intense because I had different expectations of what the future would hold. I think that she has helped me gain back a huge part of myself that I feel was lost while I was supporting her, in a way carrying her through her voyage of self discovery..

That is why I can hold this love inside and smile. I can accept that she is gone and move on knowing that I will always be who I am and through life become stronger and more resilient to the violent waves that sometimes catch us all off guard.

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 07:20 AM

<<That is why I can hold this love inside and smile yet accept that she is gone and move on knowing that I will always be who I am yet through life, become stronger and more resilient to the violent waves that sometimes catch us off guard.>>

Can't spread rep again either!!
Very true... keep going the way you are Geoff. You are doing great and giving great advice.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

Yes, agree also.

I think this also points back to what Wildcat often says about Marriage being off the cards until age 25 for women at least and 30 for men.

I know you should not really place strict age requirements for marriage into the equation as every person and relationship is different.

I can however see the logic of what Wildcat says, you need to experience life and find yourself before you can understand what Love is and what it means to enter a commitment such as marriage.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

Sorry Rol, I realised I just said I agreed with my own advice in my rating to you which was meant for this response. I guess it would be a bit of a contradiction if I disagreed with my own advice anyway?:confused:

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 07:34 AM

<<I think this also points back to what Wildcat often says about Marriage being off the cards until age 25 for women at least and 30 for men.>>

Yeah exactly... I could have married my first boyfriend at the age of 21... but imagine if I had... my goodness I would have missed out on the life I had... which I must say is a great life, since that happened I moved to a new country , learned new languages, got great job, met great people, etc etc.. In fact I would rather remain single than have missed out on all that. So I totally agree nowadays below 30 I think is way too young to settle especially if you really want to have a life. In fact I didn't even know what love really was until I got to 30... It is just now I am learning what it really is...

You will see Geoff, you are still so young at 26!! Life has a lot in store for you yet!! The type of girl you like now is going to completely change by the time you are 30.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 07:41 AM

Thanks rol..

Those words mean a lot, especially from someone who has been through these chapters and learned from them.

Tell you what, I get more sensible and useful advice one here than anywhere in my circle of friends and connections.

I guess that is because I am talking to people who really have a good understanding.

I am looking forward to the next 26 years! The good and the bad!

valinors_sorrow · Nov 28, 2006, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Most young people don't take the time or know how to work on a relationship.

I think it's that but deeper too, Tal.

When its completely superficial to begin with, then everything else that follows is too. Which is why some young people think that breaking up is just a way (albeit a dramatic way) of saying Look, I don't like what you are doing and so you better shape up because you owe me love since I bothered to pick you off the shelf and claim you as my one true love last month!! And if you're not really careful, I'll just dump you and go pick another one, just you watch!

LOL I am like sheesh... that wouldn't even work in the movies, or the soap operas. Come on!

Its immaturity run rampant in the love department, causing havoc wherever it goes.

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 07:46 AM

<<I am looking forward to the next 26 years! The good and the bad!>>

Yeahhh keep looking forward , not back :)

Yes this place is great, I don't even know how I happened to arrive here to this site, it just arrived on my internet browser one day and I'm so happy it did!!
Actually its nice as we have such a varying ages group here..

Its really such a great support place. Thank you all at amhd for creating this place, we would be lost without you!:))

talaniman · Nov 28, 2006, 08:39 AM

By OG

The late twenties/early thirties is a period of major reassessment and adjustment for nearly everybody. It's the transition from youth to mature adulthood, and it's hardly ever a perfectly smooth transition. I know, the societal fiction is that you become an adult at 21, but ask anybody who's 35 or older, and ten to one they'll tell you they weren't fully mature until after 30 (sometimes well after)

I had to repeat this gem!

rol · Nov 28, 2006, 08:44 AM

Yes I 200 Percent Agree With That Tal(again! ):)!

JDOP · Nov 28, 2006, 08:56 AM

People change, people fall in and out of love. She's not the same person you met and neither are you. If you're the one that's been dumped then it's normal to miss your ex as the person she was. The truth is that she is no longer the same person you fell in love with. I guess the only way to realize this is to get back together and experience this, unfortunately.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 28, 2006, 09:04 AM

Originally Posted by JDOP

People change, people fall in and out of love. She's not the same person you met and neither are you. If you're the one that's been dumped then it's normal to miss your ex as the person she was. The truth is that she is no longer the same person you fell in love with. I guess the only way to realize this is to get back together and experience this, unfortunately.

Hey JDOP,

Nice to hear from you again.

How are you coming along?.

Quite well by the sounds of this response, this is definitely a good step into the right direction of thought.

Would not recommend going back with the ex to work this out though.

PatBateman · Nov 28, 2006, 11:16 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<Let face it that 20 year old love is so much different than at 30, >>

Could not spread the rep again, im agreeing with u too much ;-)

I Totally agree...i dunno how it is in the 40s yet though ;-)
but so true.. love in the 30s is so different from what i thought love was in 20s....

What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?

Skell · Nov 28, 2006, 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by PatBateman

What is different about it? Can you give me a heads up?

You'll probably have to learn that for yourself Pat. Like we all will!

It should be fun though!

Great thread everyone. I just wish I wasn't on the other side of the world in a different time zone so I could contribute as it is happening.