[sohotitsscary]

Synnen -i was just asking for advice to see if there was a different approach, I have talked to my partner about it and I've sent him texts about it he just says he didn't notice he was doing it - we have talked again about it since I started this thread and he has read what people have wrote about our relationship so I'm trying everything to get him to cop on I think this time its worked because he didn't go near his computer today at all that's a major big thing for him

tidus - glad to hear what a bloke has to say, I think you might be right on the low sex drive part I never thought of that!!
He hasn't masterbated in awhile

We haven't been out on a date in ages but we plan to go out tomoro so we see if that does the trick but I won't b making the first move

[mandwhy]

Hey there, I'm sorry you had your confidence knocked, nobody likes to feel rejected!

I think most relationships face a decrease in sexual activity at some point. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing once you're settled and his instincts aren't telling him to impregnate you every five minutes? And if we're sticking with evolution, maybe he just prefers to initiate sex himself because he likes to be the alpha male and have the thrill of the chase and all that?

I had this problem with an ex too, also a gamer, it does take over their free time, like a second job really! I can picture him now, boggle-eyed, weary from concentrating on one thing for like 3 or 4 hours. It wouldn't make me feel sexy either! We split up anyway, but for a number of reasons (him being a scumbag mostly, but you say yours isn't and I am glad!)

Try to do something together one evening. Ideally you could go out, see a movie or something, but if money doesn't allow that try saying to him 'how about on Thursday we cook something nice (i.e. he at least hangs around and talks to you while you cook!) and rent a film?' then you've kind of got the evening geared up for just you two spending time together then hopefully you can get an early night with no PS3! Even if you don't have sex that night (although I pray for you) you will probably feel a bit more satisfied at having spent quality time together.

I use cooking as an example because that's what I'd do, but if you don't fancy that, find something, have a bit of quality time and a chat, hopefully you'll both enjoy it :-)

Good luck! X

[sohotitsscary]

Hey all

Thanks for the advice

I'm happy to report things are going well so far we had a great chat and he is trying to help me get my confidence back :)

[kp2171]

glad you had a good talk.

time will tell if this is a lasting change.

I don't like the post where you said you were afraid to talk to him because of what he might say. Please... don't ever be afraid of living in reality. It isn't always what we want or desire, but id much rather have a less than great day and know why versus a pseudo great day while clueless about the sand about to shift under my feet.

what I worry about in cases like this is that you may never get much relief from always having to push for sex. I mean... from where you have been, his responding to your requests seems like a huge leap forward... and that's fine. You've just started addressing this. It doesn't need to be solved overnight. But I'm naturally worried that you'll still be missing being chased, long term.

this is the time to openly and honestly lay things out on the table... without fear of what the truth might be. Its not unreasonable to tell him your needs and to tell him how you feel when he neglects you (and it is neglect)... and you are in a place where you can't let that neglect rock your confidence anymore... if he falls back to his old ways, it time to think differently.

people have lowered self esteem when they devalue themselves, think poorly of themselves. If he chooses to stay at a computer instead of connecting with you... that's a problem with him, not with you. Don't get into the "i must not be desirable if he doesnt desire me" mindset.

know you are desirable. Know you deserve attention. Know what your needs are and what you're willing to compromise. And if the truth doesn't match up to your expectations, don't own that shortcoming yourself.

hope he listens to your needs and buys a clue. We all get into ruts now and then. Time for him to shake himself free of neglectful behavior.

[sohotitsscary]

[QUOTE=kp2171;2265689]glad you had a good talk.

Time will tell if this is a lasting change.

I don't like the post where you said you were afraid to talk to him because of what he might say. Please... don't ever be afraid of living in reality. It isn't always what we want or desire, but id much rather have a less than great day and know why versus a pseudo great day while clueless about the sand about to shift under my feet.

I was more afraid of causing a bigger problem but I did prepare myself to hear want I didn't want to hear but he really is a great bloke and he feels terrible for making me feel like that in the 1st place.

[smoothy]

Good luck... but I bet he falls back into his old ways again. People rarely change. They usually fall back into their comfortible routines whatever they may be.

That's why I recommend people having major issues to move on and find someone better. If he falls back into the same old thing in 6 months.. a year, or two years down the road. You have lost all that time.

Made many of those mistakes before myself... years before the WWW existed and sites like this where you can benefit from the experiences of many. If I was a lot younger I could have saved a lot of time I otherwise wasted.

[sohotitsscary]

Good luck....but I bet he falls back into his old ways again. People rarely change. They usually fall back into their comfortible routines whatever they may be.

Thats why I recomend people having major issues to move on and find someone better. If he falls back into the same old thing in 6 months..a year, or two years down the road. You have lost all that time.

Made many of those mistakes before myself...years before the WWW existed and sites like this where you can benifit from the experiences of many. If I was a lot younger I could have saved a lot of time I otherwise wasted.

I'm sorry to say you are right

I gave it a chance but its just gone back to his old ways

I don't feel so bad this time thou I knew it was only a matter of time before he did it again

Now I don't know what to do... Do I stay or do I go??
We live together, we together over 2years nealy 3years in may

I don't want it to end but I don't want to get so down again!!

[QLP]

I think the gaming could be a major problem here. I get the impression that he has a lower sex drive than you to start with, though you may tell me this was not always the case.

I read an article, sorry can't find the link right now, explaining how gaming can be addictive because it affects the reward centre of the brain. The same part that is affected during sex, and linked to other addictions. I'm sure the article explained it a lot better but that's the gist of what I read.

So basically he doesn't need sex to light up his pleasure neurons when they are permanently fired up from gaming.

Unless he can see there's a problem with how much into the gaming he is I doubt the sex will improve. Like any addictive behaviour he has to recognise it is a problem or he won't want to change it, maybe temporarily to keep you happy, but not because he understands the need for change for himself which is the only time lasting change is possible.

You could ask him to come to counselling with you to jointly explore whether your relationship is worth keeping, and maybe he will understand his own behaviour better.

If he won't agree to making some kind of lasting change, with help, then I guess only you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who enjoys relating to pixels more than to you...

[rja_2009]

when i suggest havin sex my boyfriend makes a face or he says mayb later ( when later comes i dont ) its not just once or twice in a blue moon he does it, i understand he could be tired or playing his ps3 or he just doesnt want to but its everytime i want to have sex its going on months now its getting to me in a big way im thinking of leaving him thats how bad its gotten i rather be rejected by some bloke in the pub then the one i love.. ive talked to him about it and he says he'll try then when i do get the courage up to suggest sex he does it all over again.... i have to get in a huff before i get sex then its no good coz im so upset.

My whole take on the bit... he doesn't want you to say you want sex, he wants you to show him you want sex. I have the same problem sometimes, so last time he did it I put on some sexy lingerie and strattleed him and did all kinds of sexy stuff while he was playing. Show him you REALLY want it. If that doesn't work you have a problem.

[sohotitsscary]

My whole take on the bit.........he doesn't want you to say you want sex, he wants you to show him you want sex. I have the same problem sometimes, so last time he did it I put on some sexy lingerie and strattleed him and did all kinds of sexy stuff while he was playing. Show him you REALLY want it. If that doesn't work you have a problem.

Oh girl you have no idea what I've done... I'm a pro dancer by trade so I'm toned and bendy I have a whole wardrobe full of lovely play panties and bras but I don't bother because he just says that's nice is it new ( so for ages I was thinking he was gay ) or are you working tonight... I've cleaned the house in my undies and I've done a sexy video and set it up on his laptop so it would come on when he signed in

He was trying for a few weeks but now its back to "we have sex after the football"
I didn't say any thing I just walked away, his team he supports lost and he came in for me to mind him ( yes you did read that right ) I just asked him to be quiet cause I was watching something... I had no interest in what was on but I wasn't doing something for him after he rejected me

[sohotitsscary]

[QUOTE=QLP;2306262]I think the gaming could be a major problem here. I get the impression that he has a lower sex drive than you to start with, though you may tell me this was not always the case.

I read an article, sorry can't find the link right now, explaining how gaming can be addictive because it affects the reward centre of the brain. The same part that is affected during sex, and linked to other addictions. I'm sure the article explained it a lot better but that's the gist of what I read.

So basically he doesn't need sex to light up his pleasure neurons when they are permanently fired up from gaming.

Unless he can see there's a problem with how much into the gaming he is I doubt the sex will improve. Like any addictive behaviour he has to recognise it is a problem or he won't want to change it, maybe temporarily to keep you happy, but not because he understands the need for change for himself which is the only time lasting change is possible.

You could ask him to come to counselling with you to jointly explore whether your relationship is worth keeping, and maybe he will understand his own behaviour better.

If he won't agree to making some kind of lasting change, with help, then I guess only you can decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who enjoys relating to pixels more than to you... [/QUO

I don't see him going to a counsellor he is kind of shy with strange people so it be ages before he opens up and I can't wait that long and if I do wait I just see myself back to square 1, I think I've given him enough chances even when I think of how great we are in every other way it doesn't seem to even out any more

[kp2171]

Concerning the gaming angle... I agree.

PET scans of the brain have shown gaming to trigger amphetamine like levels of dopamine in the brain... and dopamine is our little ultimate reward for the things that please us... we really don't like the thing... we like the dopamine hit we get when whatever it is we like is happening.

I'm all for being willing to chase your lover... but you can't own it all yourself... until there's some middle ground found, all you are doing is taking on more and more of the "work" tied to sex... and if you aren't wired that way, it gets really boring fast... and hurtful over time.

I know you've been with him for nearly 3 years... but time together is never an ultimate reason to choose to stay in a relationship that is flawed fundamentally... and I'm not saying yours is... really, only you can decide what you are willing to fight for and what you are willing to concede... but I am saying that years logged together and "it being complicated" just don't stand up to you choosing whatever it is you need to be healthy and happy.

If you stay, its not because you have too much time invested to just walk... just wanted to add that in... I've been in that place and struggled with that same thing and had to leave Big Loves after some years together when there were fundamental problems that just didn't have a reasonable solution in sight.

[sohotitsscary]

I've had enough!!

I've hidden the playstation controller and his games

I know its petty but what else can I do!?

Will this work? I mean will he notice what he's doing?

[CravenMorhead]

ive had enough!!!!

ive hidden the playstation controller and his games

i know its petty but what else can i do!?!

will this work?? i mean will he notice what he's doing??

Not the best way to do it because it cause some feelings of resentment. Honestly it seems a little juvenile. If you're going to that lengths I assume that all else has failed?

[kp2171]

Will hiding it "work?"...

Depends on what you mean by "work"... I know you want it to mean that it might be the ultimatum that forces him to face this and perhaps change his ways... and some people can change when faced with a big loss... this is the line in the sand, right?

But hiding it will not make him change. Only he can make that happen. It will make him face this issue... but there's, of course, no guarantee that he will see your side.

So... "will it work" to magically open his eyes and transform him into the attentive lover you want? Doubt it. Id put my dollar on a pending fight.

But maybe that's the last straw that lets you know exactly where you stand... sort of... and I guess when you have no place else to go and when rational talk has done no good... sometimes we do irrational things.

But understand this is a poor way to resolve issues... meaning even if it "works" its really not the way you want to spend your life, right? Ignored concerning issues important to you until you do something absurd... or at least something that sounds like what a mother would do to her son.

You've essentially "grounded" him from his toys.