[talaniman]

Hey Tal, I have been meaning to ask you about my EX. Why does he... oooooh just kiddn... trying to get a chuckle out of you :) did it work??

:D

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks again for your advice and opinions on my situation everyone.

I know I need to just stop thinking about him and stop analyzing his motives behind all the choices he made... from his breaking up with me for the other girl up to his continued emails and phone messages after the breakup to this day. I even found myself rrecently thinking about not only just the breakup, but our entire relationship... was every positive thing he said to me just a lie? Tal, you were right. This hasn't been even remotely healthy.

I had been blaming myself for his dumping me for the other girl... feeling that I must not have been good enough in some way, didn't do anything right in the relationship, and this other girl was somehow "better" than me. I put him on a pedestal in my own mind after the breakup and blamed it all on myself. This kept me from feeling anger towards him. I was probably more angry at myself which caused me to become depressed, which screws up your thinking and delays your ability to get over things. I think the only correct getting over him tool I did put into practice was the "no contact" from my side. Looking back now, I know that part of my motivation for even doing that was hoping he would change his mind and want to reconcile. I wanted him to come back to me to take away my pain and I held on to that hope rather than working through my pain I think.

So since my final email to him a few days ago I have blocked his emails and may change my phone number... still thinking about that one. I have finally "given up" on him, which makes the breakup feel almost new to me. I don't think that I really dealt with it earlier this year because I held on the belief that we would get back together somehow. I have since learned that this is a BAD idea.

I have started exercising every day, been eating healthier, focusing more on my job, journaling a lot, reaching out more to my friends, etc. I still am upset about him a lot of the time, but I am trying to do what it takes to start to get over this once and for all now. I've spent basically this entire year with a broken heart over this guy. I've been thinking a lot about what some of you said to me: that I am responsible for my own happiness. That seemed a foreign concept to me after this breakup. I thought that my life and future were ruined because of him and there was no chance of my being at all happy now.

I have dated a bit since the breakup but nothing serious yet. I know that deep down I am scared to really fall for a guy right now. I really worry that he do what my ex did... seem like such a good guy that cares for me, but will meet someone else and dump me for her out of nowhere like he did, (with no indications that anything was wrong, that he was unhappy, no fighting, nothing). That's what happened with this breakup and it completely caught me off guard and threw me for a loop. It was scary because I really thought my ex loved me and was one of the "good guys". In my past breakups before this, there was always fighting, wierdness, talks about how things weren't working, efforts made to "fix" a problem, etc. Then when it was over, it was over. If the ex and I were in touch at all, we flirted, etc and reconciled in one way or another. In this case, just one day he changed and it was all over. Then he talked to me as if I was just one of his guy friends and almost didn't even acknowledge that we had ever even kissed... it was all so weird...

Sorry this post was so long, but I was thinking and just writing away. Anyway thanks for listening to me vent everyone and for your great advice. I love these boards.

[ordinaryguy]

I have started exercising every day, been eating healthier, focusing more on my job, journaling a lot, reaching out more to my friends, etc. I still am upset about him a lot of the time, but I am trying to do what it takes to start to get over this once and for all now. I've spent basically this entire year with a broken heart over this guy. I've been thinking a lot about what some of you said to me: that I am responsible for my own happiness. That seemed a foreign concept to me after this breakup. I thought that my life and future were ruined because of him and there was no chance of my being at all happy now.

NOW you're talking turkey! It will still be a long road, because in a way, you're just starting, having spent the last year in denial. Being responsible for your own happiness takes some getting used to if it was that foreign to you before. At first it may seem overwhelming, but as you get comfortable with it, I think you'll find a feeling of exhiliration and power as the positive implications take hold.

I have dated a bit since the breakup but nothing serious yet. I know that deep down I am scared to really fall for a guy right now. I really worry that he do what my ex did....

NO, No, no--definitely nothing serious yet--it's way too soon. You're right to be afraid that the same thing would happen again, because until you regain your inner composure and get confidence in your ability to choose your own happiness, you ARE likely to repeat the unhealthy patterns of the past. The danger isn't that HE will do what your ex did, it's that YOU will do what YOU did--throw caution to the winds, deny and ignore all warning signs and plunge headlong into water that was way over your head. You have LOTS of healing and learning to do before you're ready to dive into the deep end of the pool. Patience, friend. There is absolutely no hurry to get where you're going. A little saying I like to repeat when I feel anxious or impatient is "Whether or not I am aware of it, the universe is unfolding as it should". Take the time to build a really solid foundation within yourself. Believe me, it's time well spent.

[Geoffersonairplane]

It sounds like your ex may have been building up to this break-up for some time. When you are in love, you can become blind to things that are happening in the relationship such as signals your ex gives off while in the relationship, that things are not working. Your ex had switched himself off emotionally well before ending the relationship and thereby protecting himself from any emotional damage. He had more time to work through his feelings and (plan if you like) the breakup whereas you were just hit with it at the point he was ready to move on. I completely understand... If it helps you in any way, read through my thread, it was kind of similar in a way and some of the advice I was given may help you.. Here is a link if you wish to view it:https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html

I know however you are making progress and you must for your own sake follow all the advice you have been given so far.

There is someone out there for you who will appreciate you for who you are. You actually sound like a good genuine person and I am sure this ex gave up something he will later regret. Forget what he regrets though as this has nothing to do with your self-healing and your process of moving on.

Sometimes people just change their minds and it is not always your fault that it happens. Sure, there may have been mistakes made in the relationship but you must not blame yourself for the actions of others.

He is testing the waters right now and is the type of person who finds it hard to accept that YOU can move on and is just contacting you to see if this is the case. In doing so, he is actually preventing you from moving on, evidently through the issue you have raised here in this forum about how you feel about this contact from him. If you respond to him, you will give him exactly what he wants and it is no good for you to play along with this immature mind game he is playing (if that's what it is) which I know is not your intention.

Do what is best for you now, cut him off for good and move on!

[valinors_sorrow]

One of the amazing things about people, me included, is the patterns our problems make. If we don't learn the lesson, it returns to knock on our door louder and louder until eureka, we get it! In looking back its possible to see it, given enough time. And when we are ready, we see our part in it which may be big or may be small but its what makes what happens in our life possible.

With that said, could it be that your "picker" is a bit off, as we used to say when it comes to men, Southern? That you don't see the guy for who he really is, that you are offering even subconsciously to get snowed in some way by looking easy to fool? Or naïve? Or moving too fast? Can you see a universal connection to the failed relationships that suggests your door is really being knocked on loudly now? If so, open that door and learn that key thing you need to and you will find it all soooo much easier, I promise. You are definitely doing many good things here -- bravo! Maybe there is room for adding one more. See your part, then you can change it. Change your part and you will change everything.

[SouthernBelle06]

With that said, could it be that your "picker" is a bit off, as we used to say when it comes to men, Southern? That you don't see the guy for who he really is, that you are offering even subconsciously to get snowed in some way by looking easy to fool? Or naïve? Or moving too fast? Can you see a universal connection to the failed relationships that suggests your door is really being knocked on loudly now?



Oh yes, I do believe my "picker" is off... way off. Looking back now, this ex... though not quite as bad of a jerk as my ex before him... were both very similar in lots of ways and both broke my heart very badly.

The similarities between the two were not apparent at first or I wouldn't have fallen for Ex # 2. Ex # 2 seemed like such a good guy compared to Ex # 1. I fell for this latest guy while I was probably still nursing the broken heart over the first ex. Ex # 2 seemed to adore me and made me feel good again after a very bad breakup with the first guy. The first guy cheated, lied, led me on, he even had another girl pregnant during one of our "off and on" times which I found out about from someone else... no joke. He told me he wanted to get back together and tried to hide the pregnancy from me. He was seeing us both. I was all in love with the first too and ignored red flags. I was such an idiot over him!

I think this last breakup hurt so badly because I thought ex # 2 was such a better guy that wouldn't hurt me after what I had been through before. I thought I had finally found a good guy that had everything I was looking for. It hurts a lot to think of him with the other girl. I don't know how I will ever trust another guy.

[Allheart]

Southern,

That is the danger in being hurt, bringing all that forward to the next relationship. That is why it is never good to get in to a new relationship soon after a breakup. Southern, please don't call yourself an idoit. Although, the other two have some serious issues, that is not a reflection on you as a person. There probably were good things about them, but
Their weaknessess possibly just overshadow any good they may have.

Please just take time for yourself. Do things you like to do and enjoy. Work on yourself, in being the best possible person you can be, surround yourself with those who truly care about you, the person, so when the right guy comes along, your heart will have healed and you will once again be able to love and trust and have a healthy loving relationship.

Southern, you will be more than okay :)

[talaniman]

My gosh, stop dwelling on the past, and look to the future where you can do anything you want. Just get rid of the baggage.

[SouthernBelle06]

You're right Tal. I know I need to stop dwelling on this. It's not helping anything. It's only hurting me more. I think that for me, his latest email (with the upsetting news) combined with the Thanksgiving holiday just caused a major setback, that's all.

[SouthernBelle06]

... it just made me miss him. It hurts that he's with the other girl this holiday season when this time last year, he and I were discussing my move to him. It just all sucks. Blecch!