[amicon]

I don't think you are over your ex quite yet,even though you might think so-as you have found someone to focus your hurt emotions on.

Take your time healing before trying to jump into a new relationship.

[Jake2008]

If you have an opportunity to speak directly to her, without a crowd of people around, then just simply ask her if she'd like to go for coffee sometime.

If she says yes, then leave it a while, and maybe a few days or a week later, as her when she'd be free for coffee. If you get excuses all over the place, she's not interested. If she says, "well, I'm off Friday", then take it from there.

By keeping it simple, not pushing or asking too much (it's only a cup of coffee and some conversation), and give her time to think about it, what could be the harm.

Only then will you probably get a realistic opinion of what she is like as a person. Your impressions could be totally wrong, or you could be right on the money.

You won't know until you try.

[jaime90]

For her sake, please give yourself more time to heal from the breakup. The last thing you would want is to start a relationship thinking she is not the rebound, and learning later on that she is.
If you were to marry her at this point, think about it, you may as well plan for a divorce- you don't even know this girl.
Start thinking with your HEAD, not your emotions.

[Apple Scruff]

Threads merged



I'm very attracted to and interested in this particular girl that I see 4 days a week. She works at this place I go to every day after work. We've chatted a few times and she is very friendly towards me. I'm shy around attractive women so I haven't gotten the courage to ask her out. Well I was out with friends this weekend and low and behold I saw her at this bar we went to. We chatted for a bit and then when there was a brief moment of silence, I just went into panic mode and completely walked away to go find my friends. I didn't even say bye to her or tell her that I was going to find my friends. I just walked away and I feel like a douche for doing it. I stood with my friends for a while and I really wanted to go talk to her but I was too nervous. I eventually said screw it and went to look for her to talk to her, but she was gone and I didn't see her again for the rest of the night. Did I blow it or can I still salvage this? I am going to see her today and I was hoping that even though I kind of blew her off and ignored her after our brief chat, I can still talk to her about that night and ask how her night went, etc. Hopefully she doesn't think I'm some inconsiderate jerk. What should I say to her when I see her today? I really don't want to make this awkward.

[slapshot_oi]

Tell her everything you told us, but leave out the douche and inconsiderate jerk part. It's worth a shot.

When in doubt, be honest, it usually works.

[Gemini54]

Look, I get the bit about you feeling awkward, but try and see that she's a human being like you are. Why does her being 'attractive' make her any more difficult to relate to? She's a person, just like you.

I'd suggest you keep it light when you see her but apologize for walking off without saying goodbye. Tell her that you sometimes feel shy and that it makes you behave like an idiot - but that's just one of your better qualities!

Try not to take it all so seriously - if you lighten up on yourself, you'll lighten up with her.

[Apple Scruff]

Threads merged



Can a woman be interested in you and yet not make it obvious? If they are not making it obvious does it mean they aren't interested? The woman I like is very receptive and friendly towards me, and I think I've picked up maybe some signals of interest, but I'm not 100 percent sure. Are there women out there who even if they want a guy to ask them out, won't make it obvious and give off tons of signs? I just fear rejection so I wish I would get clearer signs. And girls, when a guy asks you out and you reject him for whatever reason, do you view that guy as some kind of creep? I see this person regularly so I wouldn't want them to view me in a negative light if they did end up shooting me down. I'm a really nice guy and my intentions are good. And do you think I should just go for it and ask this girl out? I mean, we've talked a few times but we really don't know each other that well. But we always make eye contact and smile and greet each other every time we see each other. I'm just not detecting obvious signs of interest, and maybe she's giving them and I just don't know. Fear of rejection is the only thing preventing me from asking, I would have done it weeks ago.

[seven10]

I understand you fear rejection but in life things don't always go as one plans. Women are all different, some aren't the type to show their emotions and some are. It depends on the person. Also we don't think guys are creeps unless they act like creeps even after they get rejected. But I can say about 85% of girls prefer for the guy to ask her out so if she's ready she'll give you the right signals and you'll know the time to ask her. You also stated that you guys don't know each other well. Maybe you should confront her, invite her to the movies or something just to hang out and get to know her more. If you do it in a apolite and respectful manner I don't think you'll get rejected to hang out. But definitely Don't RUSH THINGSS! Meet her and hang out a few times and then when she gives more obvious signs see what happens.

[hheath541]

Girls fear rejection just as much as guys. Making their interest known and either having it ignored or being rejected, hurts.

What a girl sees as an obvious show of interest, might ne be picked up by the guy. Even if he does pick it up, humans are masters at thinking themselves out of situations. He could very well convince himself that he's imagining things.

As long as you go about it the right way, she shouldn't think you're a creep for asking her out. Most of the time, it's just flattering. If you try to press the subject, or make a big deal out of it, after she rejects you, then she'll probably think you're a creep.

Just ask her out to lunch or coffee or something else casual. Don't go in with expectations of a huge date. Just go somewhere casual where you can talk and get to know each other.

[I wish]

I would say, go get some courrage and ask her out on a date.

There's no way to read her mind. But you can always ask her directly. By asking her out, you will find out her interest level. There's no guarantee that she will be your next girlfriend, but at least you will know whether she's interested in getting to you know better.

The other choice is to keep hanging around and waiting to see what's new. The problem with that is, there might be nothing. So you could spend a long sitting in your room constantly wondering and putting your life on hold.

The worst that can happen is that she's not interested in getting to know you better, but you wouldn't have to sit around wondering anymore. At least you will be able to move on and find someone else.

[Apple Scruff]

I wish, you couldn't be more correct. I have had this crush for months now and the furthest I've gotten with this girl is a few conversations here and there and a lot of eye contact and smiling. We greet each other every time we see each other. I see her multiple times a week. I always smile at her and she always smiles back, calls me by my name, always says hi when she sees me. I just fear rejection so much that I can't bring myself to ask her out, and plus, I have no clue what to even say to her. Do I just go up to her and flat out ask her to dinner or out for a drink or something? I'm clueless. I do know, however, that if I don't bring myself to do it, and never do it, I will always wonder what if. Like you said, I have to at least try and if nothing is there, I can move on knowing that at least I asked and won't have any regret about it.

[hheath541]

Start by making small talk. If she seems willing to talk to you for a couple minutes, then ask her if she'd like to grab coffee or go to lunch.

Starting with something less date-like will be easier for both of you. She'll be more likely to agree, it'll be easier for you to ask, and you'll have the chance to talk in a laid-back setting with no expectations.

Afternoon dates are, by their very nature, more casual than evening dates. Neither party has to worry about that awkward 'do I invite him in?' 'should I kiss her?' moment that happens at the end of the night. You finish your coffee or lunch then go back to work or whatever you have planned for the rest of the day.

[I wish]

Since you've already had a few conversations, the ice is broken. Why not start by getting her contact information? Then when you get in touch with her, you can ask her out.

[talaniman]

There are a few obvious things going on here guy, that's obvious after your posts were merged. You are obviously still hurting from your break up of a long term relationship, and have become fixated by a friendly female.

The part you fail to see is your trying to replace what you had, before you have rebuilt your own confidence back. Like trying to run full speed, the day after you remove a cast from a broken leg. This is what your own fear of rejection is trying to tell you. Its to soon to fixate on one female at this time. Sure she is attractive, but you aren't ready to do anything, but be a friend to any one you meet, and notions of love, and romance are just out of reach, but not out of mind. Oh Yes, she would definitely a rebound, and you are definitely obsessing over her. You are carried away by your own hurt.

Stop and think, besides being at the gym 4 times a week to see her, what else are you doing to rebuild a life that you enjoy without the ex? Do you have family and friends, that do anything besides drink, and hang in the bars. Time to be honest guy, so you can be happy with yourself, by healing the right way, and not just spinning your wheels for months, trying to get a date you aren't ready for.

[Showme_urmove]

Without a goal in life you have no purpose to face tomorrow. You lost her, she is gone, I know its hard but you can do it. Set goals in your life, what do you see yourself becoming in 5 years, are you just going to watch life goes by or are you going to live life. Again without goals you have nothing to look forward to. You lost her, now you can do things you want to do, become successful and find away to do it. Its going to be hard but it will get better each day.

[Starry nights]

I don't think anyone on this forum will say they haven't been through this kind of pain... everybody has an "even I know what you feel" story.The crux of the matter is that a bad thing happened to you(for whatever reason,here you say its all because of you,who knows it may not have been,who knows it may be),but the point is,the bad thing has happened and there is no way back,so you need to put your entire life's focus on moving ahead.Grieve,cry,express your anger but know this:It may have been the best thing,but it surely wasn't the best you have seen in your life,because you haven't led the rest of your life yet... allow yourself time and in this time learn what's good,what's bad about yourself,think of ways of growing and improving,of calming and healing.Trust me,its possible to cross that bridge of despair and reach hope and peace once again.How?You just find the way,you grope,you grovel,you trip,fall,but its human to get up again and live.One day,not very far off,you would have reached a stage where you can say,you learnt and grew through this pain and you have understood what's good for you.Before you begin this journey though,tell yourself,its going to be hard,tedious and extremely exhausting but never give up hope.Keep going.And one day you'll reach that safe and serene place that I know you will.

[Starry nights]

I don't think anyone on this forum will say they haven't been through this kind of pain... everybody has an "even I know what you feel" story.The crux of the matter is that a bad thing happened to you(for whatever reason,here you say its all because of you,who knows it may not have been,who knows it may be),but the point is,the bad thing has happened and there is no way back,so you need to put your entire life's focus on moving ahead.Grieve,cry,express your anger but know this:It may have been the best thing,but it surely wasn't the best you have seen in your life,because you haven't led the rest of your life yet... allow yourself time and in this time learn what's good,what's bad about yourself,think of ways of growing and improving,of calming and healing.Trust me,its possible to cross that bridge of despair and reach hope and peace once again.How?You just find the way,you grope,you grovel,you trip,fall,but its human to get up again and live.One day,not very far off,you would have reached a stage where you can say,you learnt and grew through this pain and you have understood what's good for you.Before you begin this journey though,tell yourself,its going to be hard,tedious and extremely exhausting but never give up hope.Keep going.And one day you'll reach that safe and serene place that you are looking for.All the best.

[Apple Scruff]

talaniman, I couldn't disagree with you more. I initially posted this thread in January, and you think I'm not healed 4 months later? Well, let me tell you something, I am healed and I do think I'm ready to get out there and date! There is no specific amount of time that it takes for someone to heal.

[talaniman]

If you have a fear of rejection my friend, then you are not ready to date, because how you deal with that fear of rejection, is what its all about. Gather up some courage and ask the girl for coffee and get to know here and let her get to know more about you.

I can tell you that waiting for months kills the interest, makes her think you're not interested, and maybe allows a more aggressive male to move in.

So what if she rejects you, there are more fish in the sea. And giving into your fear of rejection has kept you wondering, instead of acting. And that makes the rejection even worse than it has to be and much harder to get over it, when you have already been scared for so long.

Get some courage and go for it!

[Apple Scruff]

Hey tal, I've had fear of rejection my whole life, even before I met my last ex, so its more of an anxiety thing. I feared rejection with my previous ex, but I still got the courage to talk to her and we ended up being together for 5 years!

And I just posed a question in the dating forum, I did ask this girl out and she said yes, but of course, I have a few doubts about it.