[88sunflower]

No! Don't tell him that. That just sets up the next poor girlfriend for being held up to impossible standards, which was probably a factor in the first relationship. The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

He needs to think of women as separate people from himself. Even after he has broken up with this person, he cannot distinguish between the feelings of love he experienced and the person toward whom those feelings were directed. He thinks those feelings were about her when they were actually him.

Very true asking. I didn't look at it that way. I guess I was looking at his obsession with the one he had. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

[asking]

Where are you getting this, where does he indicate he's a perfectionist? He just has a broken heart. I did the same thing, I wanted that one girl after I had just lost her and no one else could take her spot, I guess I'm a bad guy, too. In fact, read every post on AMHD where the girl just broke-off a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, all of those guys reacted just as we did.

I did not say he was a perfectionist. I said he is thinking in black and white. I would like to save his next girlfriend from some measure of pain and increase the possibility that he'll have more success in his next relationship. He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not. He has some serious work to do. Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem.

All men at AMHD are not like this.

[slapshot_oi]

All men at AMHD are not like this.

Correct, but a lot are, it's the stages people go through when they experience loss. It's very rare when a couple break up do they go their respective ways and actually follow NC from the start.

He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not.

I don't know where you read that, if the issues they had as a couple were easily fixed, they'd probably still be together.

Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem..

Where did he call other women losers? He just doesn't want to date other women right now because his mind is clouded. And really, he's doing the right thing, oftentimes people will jump right into a rebound relationship after they lost the "love of their life" and when that new relationship fails as it usually does, you can add one more bruised ego to the list.

To the OP: It's been two months since she's cut you out of her life, so do the same to her. Stay single and repair your ego.

[talaniman]

The OP is in deep shock, and denial, but reality, and time will slap him soon.

Usually when the brain takes back over, and he can see with clear eyes, he will see his perfect girl has a lot of competition.

Let the guy rant if that's what he needs.

[regretfullness]

I admit I have a tendency to think in extremes, in black or white, in all-or-nothing terms. That’s a fair criticism. I’m aware of it. That said, in this case my thinking is truly warranted.

When I say she is perfect, I don’t mean to say she is without flaws. She has flaws & is flawed. I don’t think of her as a goddess. By “perfect”, she holds every quality I ever dreamed of in a partner, and more. Very very rare qualities, all held in one individual. Indescribable, really. I mean to say she is the only one who could make me the happiest.

Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist. But that in itself isn’t a bad thing. She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.

It’s over now. I know. I have zero delusions about her ever coming back to me. I’m coming to terms with that. What I am having a hard time accepting is the fact that there’s no other out there like her. Yes I’ll give other girls a chance…some may even provide me with some modicum of happiness but it will never be near what I did have, and could have had, with her. I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again. No one else will or can provide what she gives me, there is no one better. It’s morbid. It’s brutal. It’s as black and white as that. And I’m not sure how to deal with that reality.

[Devorameira]

Stop telling yourself that she’s “the only one”, that you're madly in love her, how terribly miserable you are without her, how wrong/sad/unfair it is that you can't be together, how you'll never get over her, and so on. By obsessing on those phrases and others like them, you're defining yourself by the situation, locking yourself into this seemingly inescapable whirlpool of feelings. Until you break this cycle you will continue to be miserable. While your feelings don't have to change (although they probably will change over time), you need to evolve in how you are dealing with them and stop letting them control you.

Take a new perspective in your attitude towards the situation. Focus on being thankful that you knew her. Appreciate her positive attributes, but also be perfectly honest about her shortcomings (it can be easy to regard her as absolutely perfect, which she isn’t). Don't focus on how you are "madly in love with her you are and how you will never get over it" because that sort of talk is self-fulfilling. As long as you keep telling yourself you won't get over her, you will be trapped.

I wish there was something magical to say that would help you, but it's not that easy. If you can’t change your attitude on your own, it may be time to talk to a counselor.

[talaniman]

Your assumption is not based in facts, but in hurt feelings, and until you have explored other people, your assumption as to her perfection is premature.

I doubt you sustain your position, after the healing process has worked, and you have moved on, so enough of holding on to that illogical position.

A female doesn't have to be perfect to be a great partner.

[asking]

I'm going to try another tack.

What you think about her doesn't matter. Even if she's in fact the most perfect partner you can ever imagine and no one else will ever measure up--ever in your whole life--your opinion is not going to change anything. You can spend your life thinking that and making yourself and every future woman unhappy thinking they aren't as good as your Jill. Or you can stop thinking that. It's totally up to you.

It's one thing to wallow in self pity for a while and realize how much you miss someone. We've nearly all been there. I sure have. And there's no reason to jump into dating when you aren't ready. But it's quite another thing to basically say that no one else in the world is good enough for you. ("She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.")

First of all, you are completely lacking in humility here. What makes you so sure your criteria are that high? Your arrogance is positively painful. Unless you are living on a tiny island with a population of 500, it's quite likely you'll meet lots of women who meet your "ultra high" criteria.

Second, as a friend of mine likes to ask at moments like this, How does it make you feel to think that?

We already know the answer. Awful!

The only thing that's making you feel awful are the thoughts you are having. Even if you were right that this idea was a true and accurate (a black-and-white reflection of reality) it would still be kind of dumb to dwell on it since all it does is make you feel bad. And, as it happens, you are incorrect in your evaluation. You are blinded by feelings of rejection and loss and you are trying to rationalize those emotions as based in some logical reality. They are not.

[88sunflower]

Just a quick question here.
What would happen if you met a woman that exceeds your "ultra high" criteria?

[emopunk7]

What exactly did you do wrong and why?

[Young_Cardinal]

I think this is one of those "the mind listens, but the heart won't" kind of situations
I hope you feel better soon though :(

[dlowell08]

First off, it sounds like you (by your own account, I am not judging you) are not necessarily happy with who you are, or at least who you were during that relationship. I think you truly believe that your ex was a better person than you, and that she made you better. I call BS. I promise you a lot of those qualities you desperately want in your girlfriend, are qualities you need to work on yourself. If you desire them so much, be them. That way, you won't expect your girlfriend to be a one of a kind Superwoman who fixes everything for you and provides those qualities.

This break up is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you can identify what made you a bad boyfriend/person, and work on that. You will get much more out of this than you ever would with being with this girl. Quite frankly, you were not ready for a quality relationship. If you are still the same person when (WHEN, not IF) the next amazing girl comes in your life, you will screw that up too. Do you want to be the "villain" forever? Maybe (and I am sorry if this is harsh, it is 100% conjecture but I am writing it in case it connects) you don't meet people with the qualities you seek because you don't have enough of the qualities you desire, in yourself. If you just wallow in your misery, you will never be able to grow, and you will never realize there is life after a break up (and this you just have to believe. Anyone who has been through a break up will tell you this, you can choose not to believe them and believe your case is different, but it isn't. They have been here. You haven't. Don't tell them you "know" you will never meet another girl, because they know more about the situation than you do, and they are telling you otherwise).

I don't know how you can write that she had flaws and that she was perfect and better than any other girl you will ever meet. The temperamental and moody thing... that right there is settling. You clearly don't consider temperamentalness (not a word but bear with me) a desirable trait, not that I know many people who do, and she clearly had that. So just from reading your own words, she is NOT perfect according to your standards, you are just having trouble admitting that because you are focusing on the good. You don't want to settle? That's fine. Then don't be with someone whose good outweighs the bad, just get rid of the bad altogether. I'm sorry, but to my outsider eyes, she doesn't sound perfect, and that is only from the very limited information you have given.

This girl was not perfect, you just accepted her for who she was so you let her temper and moody behavior slide. I would bet anything there are other girls out there who have the same main values but don't have those temper issues.

You only met a girl like her once in your life. You say that means that no one else on this Earth is anything like her, based on your daily life experiences. But the only constant in your daily life is you. Switch up your daily life, try some new things, and the type of people you will meet will be different too.

And I bet you that you will meet girls who are COMPLETELY different than your ex, but you will find that different does not necessarily mean worse. You think you know what you want. You do not know. It is VERY possible that a girl comes along with qualities completely different than the ones you look for in a girl, yet you realize that those qualities are what you wanted all along.

But you won't be ready to meet those people if you judge them according to how close they are to your “perfect” ex, because then you will see any deviations from your ex as worse rather than different (and maybe better). Don't go through life expecting something and dismissing anything that is not that something. Be open-minded, don't limit your options to one unavailable (and imperfect) ex-girlfriend.

[slapshot_oi]

I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again.

It's all in how you see it. You're still getting over her, so you'll think this way for a while until you snap out of it.

[regretfullness]

Thank you for your thoughtful input, everyone, keep them coming.

You’re right. She is a far better person than I. And I am not happy with the person I was during (or before) the relationship. Since the break-up (over the last two months) I’ve had a series of highly charged personal revelations about my ‘self.’ I now see that, her complaints of me were 100% accurate.

The result? My persona and world-view are now different. I’m changing. She is the catalyst for my change. It’s a lot to handle, it’s confusing, I’m still grappling with it, but I feel it. And you know it’s saddening she wanted me to change, fought hard for me to be a better person, stuck it out with me for as long as she did….and I’m pissed I was too slow in getting there. It’s quite tragic. Good of course that I’m growing as a person but terribly sad it came at this high a cost (losing her).

Yes, to me she is ‘superwoman’ (that’s not quite the word I’d use, but I understand what you mean). And yes her “perfection” fixed everything in my life.

I think you’re on to something when you said, “…wishing I had her qualities myself.” Many of her qualities are qualities I admire & wish to have in myself, but lack. Because compared to her I see myself deficient in nearly every measureable way (intelligence, compassion, emotional strength, empathy, kindness, fun, energy, humor, etc.).

Deep down maybe there’s fear I will never be as good as her….or worse, that I know I’m not as good….or that I’ll never become as great of a person as I wish for myself….or…something. You’re on to something with that point, just not sure where to take it.

Some here are asking what went wrong in the relationship, or why I mistreated her if I knew she was perfection incarnate. This is something I’m still sorting out. Admittedly, I do not truly understand. But I can speculate: Subconsciously, I may have felt as though she was too good to be true. Someone so perfect couldn’t really be real, could they? Or if she was the genuine article (and indeed she was, and I knew it then just as clearly as I know it now), then perhaps I felt I was undeserving of her--Thinking myself to be unworthy. Or that at some point, far down the line, she would realize she deserves better and leave me. And that would be very painful (I’ve an innate fear of being hurt).

I speculate if this was what was happening in my subconscious, combined with the tumultuous period my life was in at the time we were dating (tough internal/external stressors)….then perhaps my subconscious sabotaged the relationship. Thus I acted with abandon, mistreated her, acted like an imbecile, and caused the destruction of the relationship.

Earlier, when I made mention of her “tempermental-ness”…I didn’t necessarily dislike it. She is a highly passionate person and I very much enjoy her passion, whichever way it swung (and boy, could it swing). Her passion could bring absolute bliss or reign misery. Her passion showed she cared. Though I now realize I was the root-cause for much of the bad-temper; so I mostly excuse her & blame myself for the bad-temper.

Again, I call her perfect but I understand and see she has flaws (I’m not delusional). The thing is I love most of her flaws, know what I mean? She’s that rare, that special, that I don’t mind them. I understand them and the reality is the small flaws wouldn’t have presented much of a problem at all if it were not for my exacerbating them.

She is the gold-standard by which all others will be compared. Of course I expect to meet new girls with different qualities—but I don’t expect those qualities to be better than or even equal to hers.

There’s no other out there like her, I have an instinct about such things. It hurts. Sure, I can bury my feelings and force myself not to think about it. But I’m not going to lie to myself.

Life without her is a colorless existence. And I don’t know how to face it.

[88sunflower]

I think your doing great with this and I think your slowly starting to see life can go on.

If it took you losing her to make you a better person then isn't this good after all? For every bad a good will come of it. You will be a better man for this loss.

You said you have the fear you will never be as good as her or that you know your not as good as her. Your right because your not her. She is not better or worse then you or anyone. She is just different. We are all different in our own qualities. We are all better at times. We are all not good enough at times. Don't measure yourself to her standards. You are you and you are special.

[amicon]

Maybe she mirrored the good qualities that you can't allow yourself to acknowledge within yourself?
No human being is perfect-and that woul be boring
I think you should stop comparing yourself to anyone else and just move forward with the insights you gain into your own self.

[88sunflower]

Is it possible your in some sort of depression other then the split with her? You just seem so down on yourself from the start.

[asking]

Regretfulness,
Your last post is GREAT, a good essay into your feelings. It seems like you are trying to figure things out. And have found an articulate voice.

What I see as a good outcome is if you could take your admiration for her and turn it into a kind of metamorphosis for yourself. So you can love those qualities in yourself or at least respect that you are doing your best. I get the sense that you don't feel you've done your best.

Just for the sake of argument, let's just accept that she's better than you (though you said it, not me). You still have to live with you for the rest of your life. No matter who you are with, it's always going to be you in the mirror. So what can you do with the knowledge that you are not as good a person as you'd like to be?

In your shoes, I would choose one or two goals to work on now. None of us can do everything at once. But make your goals concrete. If you'd like to be more patient or kinder think about what that translates into in the moment. What things make you not that way? Imagine someone saying something that makes you feel insecure. Instead of snapping or saying something funny but mean, what can you do instead? All I'm saying is make a plan. (Books can help.)

If you admired her education, then read some books or take some classes. Education is one of those things that's cumulative over a life time, so the sooner you start making learning a priority, the farther ahead you'll be in a short time.

But most of all stay true to who you are. The goal isn't to be someone else, but a better version of yourself.

It is totally normal to feel awful right now. But turn that sadness into a positive as much as possible. When you need to be sad, that's okay. Cry, or sit and stare out the window for a while. But then get up and give yourself some long term goals to strive for. I guarantee that in a few months you'll feel MUCH better.

Good luck!

[88sunflower]

Greenies your way asking. That was nicely written.

[artlady]

As long as you are stuck in the mindset that no one will compare or outshine her,you are right,no one will because your bias will not allow you to see it.

Your mindset will blind you to the other possibilities.