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Gemini54 · Dec 1, 2009, 08:57 PM

I need passion... in my marriage, I need more attention from my husband, I need more sexual arousal, I need more happiness

The thing with passion, attention, happiness, sexual arousal is, that in the end they are ephemeral. They come and go, and they are in fact the superficial elements of a marriage. These things ebb and flow, sometimes there is more, sometimes less, sometimes none.

What binds a marriage at a deeper level is commitment, trust, constancy and companionship.

A relationship built only on passion, attention, happiness and sexual arousal will last for a while - but what happens when some, or all, of these things ebb? What happens when something occurs with one or both partners which affects the passion, attention, happiness and sexual arousal?

That's when you need commitment, trust, constancy and companionship.

If you are seriously thinking of NOT leaving your husband, then you must make a decision to commit to him and trust. This will mean that you stop communicating with the other guy.

It may be that precisely because you are constantly, hugging, rubbing, etc, etc that your husband does not have the chance to reciprocate. If you feel that he is draining you of attention then stop giving it so readily. By backing off a little you may allow him the space to respond.

You need to stop talking to him about the other guy, and give him the opportunity to want to change and please you. The way you're going, I fear he's retreating more into his shell and you'll end up destroying the connection you have by continually comparing him to his best friend.

outlawneeler · Dec 1, 2009, 09:57 PM

I do worry that by me being open with this that my husband is getting even more distant...

outlawneeler · Dec 1, 2009, 10:46 PM

I guess over the past two months that I haven't seen my husbands best friend I am feeling those strong feelings start to subside a little.. It was pretty bad there for a while... but I realize that I love my husband and he is my foundation we are great together... We complete each other... It makes it so much harder when you are actually allowed to speak to another person you are in love with and also I have had some sexual experiences with my husbands best friend too and it wasn't actual intercourse, but at the time my husband was cool with it and we were younger then... That's the part that's even trickier... They call it swinging... I didn't want to say that right off the bat due to the fact of I wanted you to hear the true emotional part of the story not the physical... I wanted to express how I truly felt without sex involved... My husband was okay with me having intercourse with other men and I with him but it is very, very, very, slippery ground. We are very honest with each other and we have stayed together through a lot. It does make it hard though when you are allowed by your husband to cheat both mentally and physically... I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me either... I am not a crazy sex addict or some crazy nut bag... swinging for my husband and I is just recreational and if we are okay with and if it happens it happens... I just never thought I could fall for someone afterward... But that's the gist of it... that's the whole story me and my husband are swingers I have been intimate a little with his best friend, however this was before we started having feelings for each other. I guess I was a little embarrassed too to say that before... Even after all that though... I am now really thinking about things and I really do love my husband... the more I am alone and dwell on it the more I see that the feelings for my husbands best friend were more lustfull... I really care about my husbands best friend and I do think we click well but he isn't my husband and swinger or not... :) I just need to give him what he deserves and needs... It's very hard to do this on here I don't know if anyone else has ever been through this... Even if you don't know who I am it's still kind of weird explaining to other people I don't know that I am a swinger...

outlawneeler · Dec 1, 2009, 10:50 PM

I never was thinking of leaving my husband. I am allowed to cheat... but I could see the damage it was doing to our relationship and I just needed advice on how to get over someone that I think I might have fallen for and still be there friend in the long run... I guess for now time will tell... I will try to keep my distance from my husbands best friend... but it is hard when we will probably go visit him in the future... but I know that I will be stronger and that I do love my husband and we will stay together... That is unless my husband dumps me... I can't say what he thinks or is thinking... but I will let him know all what I am...

suzonka · Dec 1, 2009, 10:56 PM

Originally Posted by outlawneeler

i agree it is...

Its sort of like the movie broke back mountain with both men cheating on there wives and it all came out in the end.

Gemini54 · Dec 1, 2009, 11:12 PM

I think swinging in a relationship is precarious - as you're finding - and it takes an unusual and committed couple to withstand the challenges. In my experience, from people I know, it's not uncommon for people to fall in love or become infatuated with their swinging partners and for this to destabilize (or end) their marriages.

Although this revelation puts your original question in a slightly different light, I think that much of the advice provided by the posters still applies.

You and your husband need to 'swing' the focus back to yourselves and commit to each other again, not to erotic external fantasies. If he has been complicit in getting you to do this, then you must speak to him and tell him you don't want to do it again. The swinging and the contact with his best friend needs to stop as, at this point, neither of you has the maturity or self understanding to relate simply as friends.

Remember that commitment, trust, constancy and companionship are what build a good relationship - experimenting with passion, sexual arousal and excitement outside of your marriage can only, in the long run, lead to uncertainty and tears.

suzonka · Dec 1, 2009, 11:19 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

I think swinging in a relationship is precarious - as you're finding - and it takes an unusual and committed couple to withstand the challenges. In my experience, from people I know, it's not uncommon for people to fall in love or become infatuated with their swinging partners and for this to destabilize (or end) their marriages.

Although this revelation puts your original question in a slightly different light, I think that much of the advice provided by the posters still applies.

You and your husband need to 'swing' the focus back to yourselves and commit to each other again, not to erotic external fantasies. If he has been complicit in getting you to do this, then you must speak to him and tell him you don't want to do it again. The swinging and the contact with his best friend needs to stop as, at this point, neither of you has the maturity or self understanding to relate simply as friends.

Remember that commitment, trust, constancy and companionship are what build a good relationship - experimenting with passion, sexual arousal and excitement outside of your marriage can only, in the long run, lead to uncertainty and tears.

:rolleyes: I AGREE WITH ABOVE

Dustin2239 · Dec 2, 2009, 01:05 PM

Looks like lust instead of love

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 01:15 PM

In fairness, most people who have lost weight, love it when its acknowledge by someone. Any one can get carried away by newfound attention, but it helps to keep things in there proper perspective.

JudyKayTee · Dec 2, 2009, 01:20 PM

23 posts later the truth comes out. I also have no idea what "a little intimate" means. It's like being pregnant - you either are or you are not.

At any rate there are advantages to telling the whole story truthfully at the start, on this board and in life.

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:06 PM

Why do I feel like we have been lied to and jerked around?? :mad:

JudyKayTee · Dec 2, 2009, 02:28 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why do I feel like we have been lied to and jerked around?????:mad:

Probably because you've been lied to and jerked around.

ALL of us who responded feel the same way, I'm sure - you just said it best. :)

I'm wondering troll/not a troll?

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:34 PM

How the hell can you expect good advice if you can't be honest, or at least factual?

How the hell can you not develop feelings for the people you screw in an open relationship. Maybe this is a troll!! :mad::mad::rolleyes:

JudyKayTee · Dec 2, 2009, 02:38 PM

I was going to come back and edit but you got here first.

My thought was that the final post by OP said a lot more about her and her sense of "honesty" (I'm not even going into the morals of lying because maybe it matters or doesn't matter on an Internet site) and her personal integrity than any other of the hundreds of words (maybe more) that she posted.

She could very well be the next poster child for a non-swinging website! Imagine getting yourself into this situation... and then finding out the OP isn't into swinging, she's into "love" (and I put that word in quotes)?

I'm going to print this entire thread out and hand it to anyone I ever meet who suggests swinging to me - and I'm not kidding!

Care to wander over here (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...?=#post2112090) and see her latest fabrication?

suzonka · Dec 2, 2009, 04:37 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

23 posts later the truth comes out. I also have no idea what "a little intimate" means. It's like being pregnant - you either are or you are not.

At any rate there are advantages to telling the whole story truthfully at the start, on this board and in life.

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY, and could it be a threesome

JudyKayTee · Dec 2, 2009, 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by suzonka

I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS STORY, and could it be a threesome

It WAS a threesome - they are swingers. Swinging is partner swapping WITH permission (from the other partner). Just out of curiosity, what do you think swingers are?

Gemini54 · Dec 2, 2009, 05:58 PM

Now I wonder where the best friend is coming from - he and OP's husband share this woman? Wonder what the relationship means to him - if it means anything, that is. That may be the missing piece of the puzzle.

I think that THIS is the interesting bit in this saga, her husband seems to have encouraged it and gone along with the swinging, but now it's all gone pear shaped... for all of them.

Jake2008 · Dec 2, 2009, 07:33 PM

Talk about being gobsmacked!!

To the OP- you are a very deceiptful person, and have taken advice and guidance from well intended people, without telling us most of the story.

I did wonder why your husband was so receptive in talking about the 'loss' of this 'platonic' 'friend'. I should learn to trust my instinct more.

For the record, you screwed yourself, now the consequences are yours to sift through, figure out, and live with.

Lotsa luck.

Cat1864 · Dec 2, 2009, 09:23 PM

At least, now I know why I kept hesitating to comment on this thread until now.

The problem with trying to make your story more socially acceptable is that you portrayed a much different dynamic for the relationships. This does explain your being understanding about him falling in love with your girlfriend.

Quite frankly, you both need help. He refuses to give you the emotional support you need while taking all that you can give and you get emotional support from outside the marriage to keep from being totally drained by your husband's needs. Not a healthy relationship.

Get into counseling. Work together or let him be alone while you move on and heal from this mess.

Next time you need help, please give all the facts up front. When you don't it makes you look like a troll who is trying to get certain responses before adding (changing) facts that would get different responses.

Good luck.

ohsohappy · Dec 2, 2009, 09:29 PM

Filth.. . This whole thread.(OP's posts) I'm disgusted.