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Cat1864 · Dec 2, 2009, 10:20 AM

IF you are going to meet with her, do so with a clear head. Do not allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. Have your questions written down and write down (or have her write down) her answers. Don't let her play games with you any more.

Do not allow this to drag out any more. Either you are together and working as a couple to build a relationship or you are apart and starting No Contact.

Either way, you need to allow yourself to heal and release the fear, worry, confusion, etc. DO NOT rely on her to help you heal. This is something that you need to do independent of your relationship with her IF there is a relationship. That means you take time for you and hobbies, sports, whatever helps you build up your own self-esteem and feel good about yourself. It also means that you take time to spend with your friends.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 10:24 AM

Thanks for the response cat... so you don't think its possible for people to work on the relationship without being together?

I don't even know what kind of questions to ask I'm so lost!

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 11:27 AM

You should always be trying to better yourself, whether your in a relationship, or not.

Since your meeting for a talk, be ready to listen, and ask her enough questions, so you know what she is telling you, and be honest when you express yourself.

No small talk or trips down memory lane, just find out where you stand, and accept whatever feelings she has, and please don't get goofy, or emotional, and insecure and needy.

Above all, don't make promises you can't keep, about changing, and being better, as no one who has there mind made up falls for that, so essentially the only question you need to ask is she willing to work with you to keep this relationship alive, and go from there.

Cat1864 · Dec 2, 2009, 11:44 AM

If you aren't together then there isn't a relationship to work on. You become two individuals working on yourselves and finding out what you want and need in a relationship and to change the behaviors that can cause problems when working with someone else. For example: someone who looks for his/her mate to keep him/her happy takes time to learn how to make him/herself happy so that in the next relationship he/she isn't so needy.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 01:42 PM

I know she is willing to work with me... its just she wants more time? How much time am I suppose to give her... it doesn't seem very fair to me

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 01:49 PM

Time for what?? Sorry guy, if time is what she needs, then she is NOT willing to work with you, so you leave her alone and do your own thing.

Your right its not fair for you to be in limbo while she figures it out.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, its time to disappear from their life, and do your own thing.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 01:56 PM

But she wants to hang out with me and its hard not to want to hang out with her because I believe things can work out but I know it isn't fair for me for her to want time and to hang out with me but not be in a relationship

She also says that we are working on us

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:16 PM

So that's why you're here telling us how happy you are.

Look dude, she put your on your life hold, and demoted you to the friend zone.

Of course she is happy with the new arrangement,t because she has a male girlfriend to hang with while she trains you to be her emotional tampon, ready for use when she needs it, but the disgusting part is, you believe whatever she tells you, and do whatever she says the way she tells you.

All because she says your working on the relationship. Your doing the work, and suffering, she is doing the dictating, and loving every minute

Wake the freak up, guy, and disappear. No need to break up, your already broken up, so have the dignity and self respect to leave.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:19 PM

So I shouldn't even talk to her like we are suppose to do? I should just walk away now? Not say anything to her or ask her what the deal is?

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:21 PM

Your catching on young guy!!

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:24 PM

You really think that I shouldn't tell her exactly how I feel and see how she responds?

amicon · Dec 2, 2009, 02:29 PM

No its not fair and you re hurting. Do you want to stay in this limbo for weeks and months? Do what's right for you and refuse to be part of the gameplaying anymore. She's not working on your relationship, she's using you. Don't be her doormat-let this go.

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:37 PM

I would be to PO'D to even talk to her. I would be PO'D at myself to even want to talk to me!!

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:43 PM

Why would u be so po'd?

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:49 PM

I would be PO'd with the fact I gave up my dignity and self respect for a confused female who thought she could string me along and get what she wanted while my dumba$$ fell for anything she said to me.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:51 PM

But I want things to work out... im going to meet her and see what she has to say. Tell her exactly how I feel and that I feel like she is just keeping on the backburner and waiting until she decides what she wants and that it isn't fair to me. That she needs to decide what she wants and that I can be there emotionally for her if she can't be there for me

talaniman · Dec 2, 2009, 02:55 PM

Let us know how that works out for you.

Cat1864 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:58 PM

How do you know that she is willing to work with you as a partner to make a stronger relationship? Keep in mind that words and verbal promises are worth the paper they are written on.

howareutoday134 · Dec 2, 2009, 02:58 PM

I'm guessing you don't think it will work out well?

amicon · Dec 2, 2009, 03:06 PM

You need to look at her actions. Her actions are saying : I'm cracking the whip and you hop,skip and jump when I say so.
You need to get yourself respect and your life back.