[Ithappenstoall]

Longdistance: I understand where you are coming from. I hope and wish you the best of luck. I believe you are just pushing too much and imposing too much. We must do this this day and so on. I understand that you want to spend much time with him and connect, but if he loves you than despite not communicating as much he will still love you, don't stop the communication but don't spread it all over

[Ithappenstoall]

I am in a LDR as well so believe I know... but I hope for the best even if it drives me crazy sometimes. I tend to feel worst if she feels worst so don't make this hard on him, when you talk don't talk about why you didn't call me at this hour ans so on and so forth... just enjoy those conversations on the phone, remind him of your plans together,your love for each other...

[longdistance78]

This forum has been a lot of help.
Here's the update so far.

We've tried to call each other as planned, but I noticed that I had not recovered
From the pain he had inflicted on me from his NC suggestion. Indeed, there was a lot
Of resentment on my part and it was sabotaging whatever relationship we were trying to hold on to. Despite the fact that I suggested the phone calls (to maintain some kind of communication), I could tell he was still very distant and often didn't reply to any of my emails.

So, I simply gave up to his wishes and said I was ready for No contact. I was tired of his indifference and there is only so much I can do to maintain contact when he isn't ready for it. All in all, I noticed that he simply didn't know what he wanted out of life, his purpose of living, his dreams... all shattered the moment LDR began. I don't know what exactly triggered it (and neither does he), but I'm really sick and tired of waiting around. So, I finally settled things with myself and agreed that I would not contact him until I see him again this winter break. I have changed my number, blocked his emails, threw away all our pictures and packed away all the stuff that reminded me of him. To me, he does not exist and I never knew him.

Am I being too dramatic? Yes, I know I am. But this is the only way I can keep moving and give him the time he needs. But I have to live as well!!

Unfortunately, the tables have turned now. I am now confused and don't know if I can ever restart the relationship again if it works out well at the end. How can anyone take back someone who has deserted you right before the engagement because of his own confusion about what he wants out of life? What do you think? Do you think this is simply a phase men go through or do you see red flags?

[vanheart]

Nope, not dramatic at all, in fact removing the drama.
Good one LD.

The reason he did this doesn't matter. Not all men are like that.
The red flags have already waved.

I would keep on NC & not see him ever, even on winter break.

And as you said "I have to live as well"
Put yourself first.

[longdistance78]

Do you think not seeing him winter break is a smart thing to do?
We decided to meet and clarify what was happening and come to some sort of
Decision as to where this relationship is going. Communication via LD was the issue and he thought it best that we talk things through and evaluate our thoughts during our break and meet up this winter to discuss them further. Either way, I was planning to go home this winter break to do research, so I thought this would be good timing.

I actually agreed to meet, since I won't be returning to the country for another year.
Whatever happens, I know I'm taking a big risk, but I feel this meeting
Will give me some sort of resolution.

What do you think?

[vanheart]

Well, honestly..

I think it will set you back. Cause more pain & drama for you to only try & get rid later.

Like you said:
"His actions speak louder than his words. While his confusion is quite understandable to a certain point, I'm now having second thoughts about the relationship. Why? What if this happens again and he backs off? How can I trust him?"

"To me, he does not exist and I never knew him. "

What answers are you looking for? You've already deleted him.

I guess I would ask why meet?

[longdistance78]

I think I deleted him for my own sanity for the time being and later hoped that if it was meant to be we would meet up again.

I'm probably not making any sense, right?

Why does my head tell me that it's over, but my heart tells me otherwise?
My head and ego logistically tell me it's not worth it when a guy reacts that way, yet something inside keeps telling me not to close all doors- to wait and see before making a dramatic decision.

Why am I feeling this way?

[longdistance78]

He asked for time off not a break up and I think that is probably why I'm having false optimism. Do you think it is safe to take his words literally? (Even if I have moved on.. )

[vanheart]

Because you have a heart. Hence your contradictions. You're human.

And have certain emotional expectations at this point.

No one likes this.

The reason I even wanted to post here is because I was also in a long distance relationship. Got dumped over the phone after 5 years. Crazy actually.

I thought about the last time I saw her, the conversations, ran those tapes through my head for months.

Then, I joined here & everyone's advice was to go NC.
I couldn't even comprehend what that meant at the time, but did it 4-5 days after.

No, almost 6 mo. & boy, Im I glad I did...

Once, I realized that the pain after was all caused by my thoughts & not direct actions by her. I could really start again.

[vanheart]

Break=Breakup BTW.

[longdistance78]

I applaud your strength and endurance to get through the NC.
I am in NC right now and yes it is hard and sometimes I have to bite my nails and
Use all my mental energy to think rationally. It is draining and sometimes I wish I
Was the first one to call everything off, rather than let him have a final say in this relationship.

It is very tempting to call him and say 'it's over' since you want that sense of power and control over whatever is left

But many tell me that it will hurt me more if I ended it first. I don't know... I thought if I ended it first I would be doing it for myself... but then again, why not just let him suffer and not say anything and let it be. So, yes... NC seems to be the best route here.

I know that he will call back and attempt some sort of contact since he simply asked for time off, but I guess he lost something special and it will be his loss.

I hope that someday I will be- like you- very glad that I made this decision and look back to it with no regrets. Thanks. Your comments felt very sincere and I truly appreciate your sincerity

[vanheart]

You will be.

And you are already the one in control. THAT is the key.
To take control. This is your life.

I know the tempting thoughts for contact, but be strong. And don't worry if he tries, he probably will. But you blocked him, right.

I know... I know... to know that he makes the attempt...
Good one.

BTW, Don't worry about who ended it. After all, that's in the past.

Have fun without him.

[vanheart]

Blow out of dodge for winter break.

Have fun instead.

[vanheart]

You're fired! No I quit...

[longdistance78]

I think I'm writing on this forum for my own sanity and as a means for keeping me going. So, I'll just write whatever happens.

Recently, I heard that he needed time to recuperate even if there was any chance of getting back together. I'm thinking,. okay... whatever at this point. He simply has literally no feelings at this point- whether to break up or start again in the future.

The funny thing is... I know where he is coming from, because I was the one in a similar position in my last relationship. I remember simply feeling nothing- no hatred or love. I simply existed without any emotions; however, the only thing I did different was that I was the one who ended it, because there was simply nothing to feel. And, yes, I did go back and asked to start things over but to no avail. It was too late and he had moved on. I learned my lesson then- never go back to a broken relationship because there are always more hurdles to jump over.

I look back to my last relationship and remember hurting him and remember him begging, and now the tables have definitely turned with this current (whatever is left) relationship. Except, in this one, my boyfriend simply wants time. I don't think time necessarily means break up. Why do people think break means break up? I've seen many who take breaks, realize the value of their relationship and make the extra effort to make things work. Friends say that you sometimes have to lose something to realize how important it is. I'm beginning to believe this. Am I being a stupid optimist, here?

Okay, Okay... so I have kind of moved on... since I know logically that there will be no good in contacting someone who needs space and time. So, yea, I am giving it to him and in the meanwhile, I'm thinking of meeting other people and working on tons of work. But is it bad to have false hope? BTW, vanheart, what happened with your relationship with her? Did she never come back or did you guys make the effort? Sorry if I'm intruding- just curious.

[vanheart]

Nope, I went NC.
She tried to contact me a few times, but I didn't respond.

There was no effort to be made. She wanted out.

I wouldn't wait around with some false hope in the back of your mind.
What wait for him for a couple years after he does the same thing to other women and you happily take him back?

As if.

That will really put your life & emotional well-being on-hold.

Go NC, with no expectations other than healing yourself & moving on without him.

[longdistance78]

Okay, so I don't mean to be nosy...

But why didn't you respond when she called you back? Perhaps she made a mistake
And wanted to start things over?
She might have been confused and 5 years is a pretty long relationship.
Did you ever consider thinking of trying again? And what made you go NC? Because I know it's really hard to do unless you have lost all feelings for the other person...

I remember going back and realizing what I had lost, so I can sort of feel what she was going through- although I have no say with your relationship.

[vanheart]

If that was the case, & it was that important.
She would have said that straight up or found a way to.

This was just selfish guilt on her part. To make herself feel better.

Why I went NC was to avoid any more pain from her, lies, BS, etc...

My ex was a selfish user & abuser, only concerned with who she can manipulate for her own benefits. Star-f$$$er. Not someone with a conscience.

[kp2171]

LD78...

So...

While it might be extreme to some for you to want to "cut your losses" so severely... I must say I've been there and done that more than once.

My opinions are:

You must, must, MUST take care of your educational need and professional needs now. Period. If the relationship doesn't fit what your relationship "demands" of you... well... its not a good fit.

I've made that mistake more than once and you can never go back and reclaim that time. Get yourself "right"... meaning take care of your needs intellectually... and all the rest will fall into place. Doesn't mean all will be what you expect... but a person who is whole and healthy is a person who isn't afraid to tend to their own needs...

I pray that you follow your dreams... and I think we both know your educational goals will help take you to the place you need to be... and if he cannot support you in this path, then he is not the man you need him to be.

You ask is it bad to have false hope... well, there is no easy answer here. The problem with it is that you are risking your emotions and you are hoping that he will be the man you need him to be...

Yes. People can change. I know I've changed over time. Learned from my own failures and the failures of my lovers.

But in this case, I think you need him to chase you down. If he isn't willing to do the hard work it takes to be good for you... well... that's that.

All relationships take work... in time, even in the best relationships, we need to reaccess, rethink, retool... and if you are the only one doing the work to sustain the relationship... well, it isn't really a relationship...

I think you are a great person with great goals for yourself. I hope he can be the man you need him to be. But you shouldn't have to bend yourself so far to make it possible.

Some loves might be meant for all time. Most loves are meant for a time. Unless he is willing to meet your needs, I'm afraid that that time has passed.

All you can do is all you can do. You cannot do all the "heavy lifting" in this relationship.

[longdistance78]

Sorry to bring back bad memories:(

I understand. If that was the case and I was in your position I would have felt
A lot of resentment and anger.

I'm thinking about my relationship and I know I did my best and, yes, he knows it.
And he,too, did his best. But there was always a miscommunication between us- he never
Understood women in general and neither did I understand men.

The giving and taking between us was always confusing. I did things too much for him and I think he really didn't need all that attention from me. At the end, he just wanted me to be happy with what he was giving me. On the other hand, I wanted to be appreciated for the things I was doing for him. So, there was always things that never matched up with our giving to one another.

For me, rather than receiving lots of gifts, I just wanted him to say cheesy things like 'I love you' which I never heard him say to me. But he always said he loved me and never felt the need to say it all the time. Pretty much he's a typical stoic guy who doesn't know how to express his feelings. His way of expressing his feelings for me was spoiling me with whatever I wanted to do. That was his way of communicating his affection. He never actively did anything for me, but did things I wanted. Why do men do this?

I would rather be happy with a guy who went out and made the effort to buy me roses than just sit there and let me do whatever I wanted to do. Maybe I am being selfish- don't know. Guys are confusing.