[longdistance78]

Intro:
My fiancé of 2.5 years has asked for time off. We’ve just started our international long distance R (LDR) 2 months ago and like all LDR, we’ve had some communication issues.
He got his Ph.D and left for his home country to get a job, and we had planned to get engaged this winter and get married next summer. All our friends and families are awaiting this big event.

Body:
Everything seems perfect, right? Wrong. Since the LDR began, we’ve had issues: his inability and unwillingness to express his feelings, his lack of response and enthusiasm to communicate, my continuous nagging to get him to be more pro-active ( my mistake, I know), and his lack of faith in the LDR.
Okay, it may be a miscommunication issue but there is a lot more to it. 1)He asked for time off because of the continuous failure of miscommunication (He fears calling me now -obviously communication is not working for us at this point). 2) He believes that we have different goals and values in life and thinks that some things are left the way they are. To make this work, he thinks that one of us will have to sacrifice more- there is no choice.

Conversation:
HE SAYS: “Some things you can compromise in relationships but I think some compromises can’t be made. If one of us did sacrifice, one of us will be unhappy and resent one another. I want to start a family and move on with our relationship and want someone who wants the same. But you are thinking about yourself- pursuing your goals to get your Ph.D. I know it’s not fair to even ask you to sacrifice your education, but I don’t know if I can handle the 3-4 year of LDR with all the tension that we already have. I’m confused and need time.”

I SAY: “ You got your Ph.D and you knew from the beginning that I had a few more years to go and you were willing to take this challenge. It’s not like I don’t want a family, but I have to finish my degree- I’m right in the middle of it. What am I suppose to do? How can you deprive me of my own education? Aren’t you being a little greedy here? If it’s about a communication issue, we should work it out together- not take time off.”

Conclusion:
He sees this conversation going nowhere- so do I. He’s confused and I resent him for being confused and forcing time off. Although this time off is probably much needed for both of us, I don’t know if our issues will be resolved with taking time off. I also don’t understand why he is backing off all of a sudden and breaking the engagement. Can’t we work this out together? Supposedly, he thinks there is nothing to work on- since it is a reality issue.

Question:
His actions speak louder than his words. While his confusion is quite understandable to a certain point, I’m now having second thoughts about the relationship. Why? What if this happens again and he backs off? How can I trust him? Shouldn’t a guy step up and make the effort to make things work instead of doing the ‘invisible act?’ I think he is being weak, and how am I suppose to keep a relationship with a guy this week? I did hear that I should wait 3-4 weeks to call him back. I have nothing against giving him time- I just don't see taking time off going anywhere. Do guys come to their sense and accept reality?

Is it normal for guys to act like this before the engagement, second guessing the relationship? Are there happily married couples out there who’ve gone through something like this (what’s the percentage?). Can this work? Should I have more patience before making assumptions? Confused~
:confused::confused:

[longdistance78]

He implies as if we might be better off separated since we want different things. My Q is when do we say enough is enough?

[I wish]

No trust = No relationship

His reluctance to put effort into this relationship shows that he's not longer as interested as before.

Relationships are suppose to be natural. Hard work should come naturally. If you feel that you need to force him to make an effort, then this relationship is bound to end.

Your best bet right now is to give each other some time apart. Don't communicate for a while so that you don't influence each other's thought process. Allow some time for you to gain some perspective on this relationship.

Once you're calmer and feel more objective, you will be in a better position to approach this situation again.

He implies as if we might be better off separated since we want different things. My Q is when do we say enough is enough?

If that's how he feels, then it sounds like he pretty much gave up anyway. He's just letting you down gently.

Whatever happens, you definitely need a break from this relationship to gather your thoughts.

[jaime90]

I have two ideas- it's up to you in the end:
Do you think you could benefit better by taking a break and trying to find yourselves individually and step back from the relationship to determine where to go next..
Or- you could come together and speak honestly- keep open communication, and try to rekindle the spark that used to be there. It could take some work, but honesty, open communication, and trying to set the spark off again could just save your relationship, you never know.
It's up to you, and what you think you two would benefit from. It really depends on your personality, and the details of your relationship.

[longdistance78]

Interesting choices.

I'ld prefer that we communicate and at least make things work, but I'm not sure if that attempt is intruding in his space, especially when a guy asks for time off.

Do you think it is healthy to attempt communication when he specifically wants time to think? I can only speak for women in general. I'm not sure about guys. Any thoughts?

[talaniman]

Give him what he asks for, and leave him alone. That's what he wants, since he isn't willing to compromise.

Give him all the space he wants while you move ahead with your personal goals. He knew what you wanted, so what's the point in dealing with some one who can't handle the program, and no way should you give up your goals, and dreams. Why?

[longdistance78]

Thanks for the suggestions.
I think deep down I knew what I had to do. It was probably a dose of that self-denial stuff that was impeding my judgments.
All in all, I have decided to move on, which I already did without consciously acknowledging it.

There is sad note to my decision, but I think it will do me good in the long run. And if we are meant to be we will meet again.

[none12345]

Long distance relationships are hard to maintain and usually it doesn't end up too well. Its true what he says about if one sacrifice too much for the other, they won't be happy. A relationship is about 2 people sharing a happy life together not one giving theirs to the other.

You know what you have to do. Just keep going on with life. I think this relationship has come to a stop and its time to move on.

[longdistance78]

Nice few lines at the end.
Sounds like a lyric I've heard some where.

I like it.

[none12345]

I wrote that, didn't quote it from any song I know. Well, I am a song writer lol.

[longdistance78]

Thank you all for the suggestions and support. 'Helped me realize what I already knew. I guess I needed that extra confirmation, which was much needed.

[longdistance78]

I think people have a lot to say when to decide enough is enough in their relationship.

Right before my engagement, my boyfriend got cold feet and suddenly "realized"

A few things he was afraid he couldn't handle about certain things about me.

I'm sure everyone has had these kinds of issues and have even tried to talk to your

Significant other about them with no avail. So, the typical story goes that your boyfriend calls off the

Engagement and requests time off for both of you to REALLY think about youselves as

Individuals and the things that make yourselves happy. And, if things work out, we were

Meant to be. If not, then it's best that we knew before the marriage, and was probably for the

Best.But, listening to such similar stories... I'm beginning to believe that time off is actually B.S (excuse my language)

Many say that time off may be something that all relationships need. Don't you think even

Think this remark is simply another way to justify and ease the pain from the shock?

I simply don't understand... how is taking time off right before the engagement going to

Help, more or less strengthen, a relationship?

I feel (although I may always be wrong) that any request from a guy for time off is just a

BIG SIGN that he is probably not marriage material. What do you guys think?

Any general insights from those who have succeeded to walk:rolleyes::rolleyes: down the aisle?

[longdistance78]

So, he asked for time off right before the engagement and wants to think about the relationship.

Haven't we heard this scenario so often that now it really isn't surprising to hear all the stories

Where your boyfriend suddenly wants to think about things because there are some things about

You he's not sure he can handle in the long run? I mean, marriage is a serious thing, and we

All agree that we get cold feet. But I also think it is the way you approach it as well that

Shows a lot about the maturity of that person.

So, he suggests that you take time off to really think if this is what YOU want as well and

Evaluate if this marriage is what will make you happy (Blah--. So we say time off can

Actually be beneficial to both of you. I don't buy this at this stage of the relationship). He

Wants both of us to be happy (Haven't we heard this excuse before?)

Hmmm... to me... all this sounds like B.S. (excuse the language).

Come on, why take time off right before the engagement? Why didn't he act upon these

Issues way before the engagement? And, taking time off right before the marriage seems

Like a preview to a really bad marriage. Besides, how is he going to step up,mend the pain

And emotional distance of this aftermath? If he is stepping back now, I think it shows

A lot about a guy's personality.

What are your opinions about guys backing out before an engagement/wedding to take

"time off?" Anyone out there who has gone through this period successfully and walked

Down the aisle?

[notsogreat]

My ex said this to me six years ago. He started asking questions like, how do you know that I am the one for you? And, what is it about me that you love? Or, Sometimes I think you are too good for me. Flash forward 3 years, he dumped me after we got engaged for a month, begged me to come back, and then a year later, dumps me for good for someone else. Then he proposes to the new girl on my wedding day. So, take it for what I think it is. He is doubting the relationship, and wants you to convince him that he is wrong. Only you know the flags and if they are justifiable or not. Just don't waste your life like I did. I spent ten years with him and its been 11 months and I am still healing. UGH!

[redhed35]

if yo uneed 'time out' from a relationship just before the wedding,your not ready,or he is not.

there are variables in every situation,but on the whole if you need to be on your own without the person you are about to spend the rest of your life with,it's a deal breaker for me.

if he is not going to work on the problems and talk it out now together! he's not going to do it when your married...

[vanheart]

Go back a page & listen to Taliman's response.

That says it all. Does.

Coming from a long distance breakup. Yup.

[longdistance78]

I hope I'm not repeating the same old long distance relationship again and boring everyone.
Apologize in advance.

Last time I noted that our long distance relationship was not working well, since He requested time off. I've read that guys do need time off when they feel burned out, and I decided to move on. That said, he came through and said that he apologized for making this all hard on me before the engagement.

We(maybe it was me, since I suggested a new plan to make things work, which he agreed) decided to work on it again and set specific times and dates to call one another. 3 times a week. 15 minutes the 1st day and 30 minutes each for the other 2 days. Since the issue was the elongated phone calls, which he found energy consuming, I thought this would be a good plan to start new. My BF is a nice guy and has had problems in the past not to appear rude when I keep him on the phone too long. Once we are on the phone we had no time limit, and no time limit meant that sometimes the conversation became tedious and then the arguments would start. He was so drained and I felt bad- that is when he asked for time off right before the engagement. But the issue was that he never called as often before, so it was always me nagging him to call. So every time he called it made me want to stay on the phone longer, which made things worse.

That being said, I admit I was the one that strongly suggested that we start over using this
New plan, and he agreed. But deep down, I feel that he wasn't all into it- just a gut feeling. Do you think I pulled him out of his "cave" too quickly? If so, why would he agree?

I've tried to shorten the phone conversation and used emails as another way to communicate.I emailed him Saturday night and sincerely thanked him to show my appreciation for willing to put the effort, but he didn't reply or even call me about the mail. He is currently in a training program in his company and cannot use the internet during the weekdays, so if he didn't reply to my email this weekend, then that means no email contact for another 5 days. Knowing this, I would think he would have replied or called.

What is on his mind? I'm confused. Do you think he was rushed into starting the long distance phone relationship again? He agreed to work on it and I have tried to not nag him or even call him that often. I feel like I'm trying to do everything right and not pressure him, but I feel distance between us. I don't know if it is me or him. Help...

[redhed35]

You sound needy and desperate,I don't mean to hurt your feelings,but only give you an objective point of view.

The guy is probably up to his ears with work and now he has another thing to add to the list... you...

You have made yourself a chore for him.

But how to pull it back?

This is my suggestion... let him call you.

I can see his point that this constant need for contact with him is draining...

Back off... get busy with your friends and being happy in your life,when he does ring,you will have lots of news and keep the conversation light.

Steer clear of the heavy stuff for a while.

[longdistance78]

Actually, I have to thank you for your honest opinion. It was much needed advice and I probably should have heard it from someone sooner.

After the request for time off, I was actually doing pretty well and my busy work schedule was helping me cope with the initial shock. I can't say I was fully over the shock, but I was relatively doing fine: eating well, working out, hanging out with friends and did my best not to talk about him. It wasn't until he called me recently that I found myself confused again. I thought I would be stronger, since I had made up my mind to move on. Wrong. I became vulnerable again and was really disappointed in myself for becoming this needy. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to suggest the new plan to start over and I should've known better.

But thank you again. And if you are comfortable with sharing, what have you learned from your prior relationship and how have you found the healthy balance in your new relationship? I'm hoping that you and others out there have gained a lot of wisdom from past mistakes and if anyone is comfortable, I would love to hear what you guys have learned.;)

[I wish]

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

What you need to do is put some distance from him so that you can gain some perspective. Every time you talk to him, you will over-analyze all the details and prolong the misery.