[Clough]

An hour apart isn't so bad. Are there any transportation issues involved here, other than time?

Thanks!

[combat40]

An hour apart isn't so bad. Are there any transportation issues involved here, other than time?

Thanks!

No I have a car, and last year neither of us had cars, we took the bus to and from to visit each other, so that wasn't an issue we had a lot of the stuff planned out, but since she seemed so happy and then all of the sudden broke up with me and doesn't want to talk about it I'm confused

[justcurious55]

It sounds like things were already getting rocky. Is that fair to say? If you tried to break up a month before. And then did you say you walked out? But then when you tried to come back to her she wouldn't take you back? Did I understand that right? If I were in her shoes, I'd do the same. I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone who kept trying to break things off.

[Clough]

Just from what you've written, I would say that she has some maturity issues and likes for things to be convenient for her?

Do you think that might be the case here?

Thanks!

[Wondergirl]

If anyone needs closure, it is she. You were the one who first talked about breaking up and nearly gave her a heart attack. I'm sure that started her thinking so that when you two had that fight, her mind was on "breakup."

For closure, you need to be honest with yourself as to why you brought up a breakup in the first place ("when i tried to break up with her about a month earlier, she about had a heart attack and cried and begged until i took her back"). Do you want to look around and date other young women? Are your studies too overwhelming, and you don't want the distraction of a long-distance romance? Have you fallen out of love with this young woman, and don't want to put in the time and energy any longer?

I suggest you avoid any further communication with her--for her sake.

[friend4u178]

It sounds like your relationship was a bit toxic anyway and there could be many reasons she won't tell you , it could be she is just not prepared to talk at the moment or something as left field as she has someone else so doesn't want to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings more.

Sorry to be harsh but it's not her responsibility to give you closure as you are no longer together. You give yourself closure by accepting the fact your broken up and start with your healing by not contacting her.

[Wondergirl]

Just from what you've written, I would say that she has some maturity issues and likes for things to be convenient for her?

Do you think that might be the case here?

I think the maturity issues are his, not hers.

[Clough]

I think the maturity issues are his, not hers.

Hi, Wondergirl!

Might be... but, I think that more information is needed here. Men or women might have different perspectives as to what is going on.

Thanks!

[Wondergirl]

Hi, Wondergirl!

Might be... but, I think that more information is needed here. Men or women might have different perspectives as to what is going on.

He tried to break up with her.
She almost had a heart attack.
A small fight developed that escalated into her saying, "Okay, let's break up."
A month went by - he's feeling good, has moved on.
He (for some reason) asked her for closure, and she got upset.
He wonders why she broke up with him, when, in fact, it was just the opposite. He planted the seed, and is now reaping his harvest.

What other information do we need?

[combat40]

He tried to break up with her.
She almost had a heart attack.
A small fight developed that escalated into her saying, "Okay, let's break up."
A month went by - he's feeling good, has moved on.
He (for some reason) asked her for closure, and she got upset.
He wonders why she broke up with him, when, in fact, it was just the opposite. He planted the seed, and is now reaping his harvest.

What other information do we need?

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesn't want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when I brought that up it opened a can of worms

[friend4u178]

So now you know not to bring it up again.

Besides being friends so close to to breakup rarely works , just gives the dumpee false hope that they may get the dumper back. Hence stalling the healing process.

[Wondergirl]

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesnt want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when i brought that up it opened a can of worms

Your big mistake was leaving her alone for a month after you two broke up. If I were ignored for a month, I would guess he, especially a long-time boyfriend, had moved on.

Why would she want to talk about the relationship? What relationship? And you told us you are happy and have moved on. Why are you causing this young woman grief by trying to revive a dead horse? If you talk with her at all, avoid mention of the relationship. Maybe you can worm yourself back into her good graces, but I sure wouldn't trust you any longer.

[Cat1864]

I understand that by breaking up I probably set the stage, but I mean this is my first relationship, when we broke up, I left her alone and I figured that after some time of no contact we would be able to talk about what went wrong and move forward and maybe become friends, but the fact that she doesnt want to talk about the relationship at all confuses me, and I understand that it might take more time, but she seemed fine talking about anything else but when i brought that up it opened a can of worms

Your mistake is in thinking that real life relationships are like books and movies.

People do not heal at the same rate. There are no set schedules to healing from a break up. While for you the pain of actually saying it is over might be gone or diminished enough to talk about it, for her that same pain may be as fresh as the moment it happened.

She is not responsible for you finding closure any more than you are for her to heal and move on with her own life. You are, however, responsible for opening up the emotional wound again and prolonging the healing.

Why were you going to break up with her a month before the actual event? There is your closure.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule - You want closure after a break up? Accept its over, and leave them alone.

Anything else is confusion, and false hope.

[combat40]

Threads merged.

Do they ever work?

[friend4u178]

Following a painful romantic break-up, some people enter into a new relationship almost immediately, often with less-than-stellar results.

Dating too soon after an emotionally charged break-up is known as a rebound relationship, and is almost always considered a bad idea for all parties involved.

A person in a rebound relationship may have great difficulty distinguishing between the old romantic partner and the new one, for instance.
Whenever a romantic relationship ends, whether amicably or painfully, both parties should allow themselves to go through a real grieving process before pursuing new relationships.

In essence, there has been a "death" of a valued relationship, and few people can recover from such an injury in only a few days or weeks.

While the prospect of dating someone new, especially someone who has been kept off-limits during the old relationship, may sound like a cure, a rebound relationship rarely, if ever, ends well.

Another problem with a rebound relationship is motivation. Some people who feel victimized or humiliated by a bad breakup may feel the need to start a new relationship simply to prove they are indeed over the old one.

Some rebound relationships are primarily directed at former partners, either in an effort to generate feelings of jealousy or to remind them of what they gave up. Neither tactic is a particularly healthy reason to pursue a rebound relationship, and the new partner is not always as understanding or conspiratorial as one might hope.

There are times when a person may feel he or she has fully recovered from a break-up and is truly prepared to re-enter the dating scene, but this may be a premature assessment. If a new relationship starts too soon after a painful break-up, the new partner may become little more than a sounding board for all of the negatives intended for the former partner. Constant comparisons to a former boyfriend or girlfriend can be a sign of an unhealthy rebound relationship, as well as the careful avoidance of almost all dating venues associated with the former relationship.

Because there will almost inevitably be a new relationship following the dissolution of an old one, it is important to recognize the difference between a new healthy relationship and an unhealthy rebound relationship. Much like a widow or widower, a spurned partner may want to establish a reasonable hiatus from dating until he or she is emotionally ready.

Personal counseling may also help prevent someone from entering into a shallow or unhealthy rebound relationship until his or her self-esteem has been fully restored.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to seek out companionship following a painful break-up, but you owe it to yourself and your new partner to make sure the new relationship is based in reality, not a ghost in the machine.




Source: wiseGEEK: clear answers for common questions

[combat40]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense, I know each case is different, but in a long term relationship, how long should you wait? Months?

[talaniman]

Its not healthy or fair to jump from one failed relationship to another as when the new relationship serves its purpose and makes you feel better, your ready to leave and that means breaking a heart that was healthy when you came along, but isn't now that your gone.

Its like going to see a doctor to fix a broken heart. When the heart has recovered, the doctor is no longer needed, so the patient leaves.

Rebounds skip over the all important healing process, where you make adjustments to find your own happiness. Then you have something good to share with others.

thank you, that makes a lot of sense, i know each case is different, but in a long term relationship, how long should you wait? months?

Wait after a break up? When you're happy with yourself and your world. However long it takes.

[friend4u178]

Its not healthy or fair to jump from one failed relationship to another as when the new relationship serves its purpose and makes you feel better, your ready to leave and that means breaking a heart that was healthy when you came along, but isn't now that your gone.

Its like going to see a doctor to fix a broken heart. When the heart has recovered, the doctor is no longer needed, so the patient leaves.

Rebounds skip over the all important healing process, where you make adjustments to find your own happiness. Then you have something good to share with others.

Had to spread the love Tal , darn rating system :rolleyes:

Love the Doctor analogy!

[combat40]

So in the end, you end up further back than when you started if the rebound relationship fails?