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xoxaprilwine · Nov 16, 2008, 02:59 PM

Awww, long distance relationships never work... well in some rare cases I guess. There is a lot going on then she is telling you, she is seeing someone, her friends are influencing her and she has no emotional reserve left for you. She stated how she felt and honestly loose the pictures, cards, trinkets and phone number/e-mail. Do not respond to her calls... move on and do it whole heartedly because it is your time to internalize and rationalize your emotions. If you guys get back together it will get worse and two months will ease the pain but for a one year relationship I would say about 3 - 4 months but I don't know what kind of a person you are everyone deals with things different. For the times of bordom... those are the times you will reflect the most on your ex so keep busy and try to have fun with your guy friends.

wikedjuggalo · Nov 16, 2008, 03:09 PM

As far as the class goes I'll advise you to attempt to change it if at all possible. Not because you should avoid her and what happened but because it very well could impact your ability to do good in that class.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 03:15 PM

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

wikedjuggalo · Nov 16, 2008, 03:21 PM

Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

That is also a very good point. I'll see if I can fanagle it. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can still function and that she will have no impact on the rest of my life. I don't want to "run away" from it all by avoiding events/classes/parties just because I might see her there.

I know that at the beginning stage this avoiding is necessary. I would probably self-destruct if I see her now. Especially if she was with a guy.

Its not about avoiding her man. If you feel you can function in there with your mind constantly racing about her then go for it. But I know if It were me I'd be curious etc. Don't avoid social events instead you should be doing them more then ever. Its not about adjusting your life to avoid her. Don't. But on the same page don't adjust your schedule to see her.

You need to recover and I bet it will be difficult to do that if she is constantly around you.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 06:24 PM

What if I sit in the front row so I don't even have to see her?

Also, when do people normally get over the "she hasn't called me stage?" You know, the stage where you wonder what she's doing, who she's with. You check your phone constantly. She conditioned me to expect a call even when we were broken up before.

My friends tell me that she isn't as affected by the breakup as I am, and "moved on" over the weekend (used the euphemism).

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 06:26 PM

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

wikedjuggalo · Nov 16, 2008, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

BTW, this class would knock out two of my requirements to graduate. I almost have to take this class.

If you can handle keep going. Still time until that class so if you keep your head up and out of her business you will be fine.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 07:38 PM

I agree. The reason for my friends telling me this was to give me a wake-up call I think. They see me sulking around and they're like "she's not sulking over you at all. In fact, she's living it up. You should be doing the same".

I think they're right.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 23, 2008, 08:22 AM

Threads merged

Ok, here's the skinny. My ex and I were in the on-again off-again phase in which we couldn't stand each other while we were together earlier this semester. We dated since last year. She started by breaking it off earlier in the year, but then later came back after I laid out NC for awhile. However, it was never the same after the "innocence" of the relationship was lost. It was a "yo-yo" relationship. We fought constantly. She is 19, I am 21. We are both in university. I would describe her as "young and foolish, which makes her easy". However, I still feel that she is one of the more beautiful girls on campus (possible attachment?).

Now to brass tacks: We have been broken up for a little less than a month. Since then, I've been getting involved with Crew (rowing), ballroom dance (3-1 girl/guy ratio), and hanging out with friends/ enjoying college. Girls are now interested in me as I am the funny/outgoing/sometimes crass guy I was before I started dating the ex. I feel like I am making progress towards moving on, but when I find myself alone, especially at night, I get pangs of loneliness and wonder what my ex is up to/ feeling etc. I have passed the angry pissed off stage, and am beginning to truly accept that it is over.

I have an English class with her next semester (January). I plan on taking this class as it fulfills two requirements for me to graduate. I do not wish to drop this course at all. However, I am worried that my performance in the class might suffer with her presence. I plan on sitting in the front row so that I do not have to see her at all. Do any of you have any experience in this situation, or possibly one where you still have to work with your ex? What would you advise me to do in this situation? Thank you for your help.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2008, 09:15 AM

Learn to focus, and get some clarity as to your public behavior around your ex. Brief, and busy, polite and friendly, about the personal contact. That's always been my view.

Staying busy with your life without her, and time will get you through.

Most of the time what we perceive as a problem, really isn't as bad as our minds make it, so don't worry about January, until you have finished with November, and December.

Yosomoton213 · Dec 1, 2008, 06:39 PM

Ok update: It's been a little more than 3 weeks now of NC. Who would've thought I would have lasted this long? Har har.

Crew has been keeping me busy, 2-a-day practices in the erg room. Rough. But, I'm getting ripped. Not huge ripped, but like a lean, mean greyhound ripped (lightweight).

I have been getting attention from girls, but only from ones that I'm not really interested in. Is this normal to be really picky after a breakup? I don't want a relationship for awhile... need to get my life in order.

I've stopped bugging my friends about the whole ex situation. It is hopeless, and over. I've accepted that. I disclosed what happened to my family after thanksgiving. They said that what happened was that everyone commented on how beautiful the girl was, and I took that as an aspect of myself. That made me put up with a lot of bullstuff near the end. It was probably mostly my fault I got hurt so much near the end.

My ex wished me a happy thanksgiving via text. Twice, as if she wasn't sure if I got the message. I didn't text her back. Did I make a mistake? Text said "I just wanted to say happy thanksgiving." I felt like I did the right thing rather than open up a new can of worms. Been there done that.

Haha so my crazy aunt claimed she can read cards. I love her to death. However, she read my cards over thanksgiving, saying that the ex will not leave me alone for another ten months. Yikes. She isn't really barging down the doors, just the one holiday wish. However, I do have class with her next semester. Plus, there's always christmas and new years. Things could get interesting.

Recently I've been getting pangs of loneliness. Most of the pain is gone, but there are sometimes where I catch myself thinking about her, and wondering if she feels the same way about me. Then I smack myself. All right, so it hurts a little still, but not nearly as much as near the beginning

I just don't want to see her anytime soon. I've been making some pretty good progress lately. This post is more of me venting, but you are more than welcome to give me any insightful advice, as it is always appreciated. Much love, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

~Yoso

JohnD212 · Dec 1, 2008, 07:28 PM

Isn't it funny how three weeks can take us from wanting someone to not wanting that pain anymore. Good for you. This is what NC is all about. I also received a Thanksgiving message from my ex... you did good.. no reply... I replied with a little "don't eat too much"... but all is good for both of us.

Those little pains will continue for a while. What's happening is the bad memories are being replaced... of course the remaining pain in your heart will hurt... you'll notice it more. Soon... it too will be gone.

There is nothing wrong with being picky. You have now received your first broken heart... and you now know a little better how to pick better partners. No contact can be a life safer for someone suffering from a broken heart... but they have to suffer through a few weeks of hard times.

Yosomoton213 · Dec 1, 2008, 07:53 PM

Haha ex's will do that. I like your signature by the way. I think that a relationship doesn't have to be successful to be meaningful... i.e. You take out of it what you will. In my relationship, I made the mistake of putting her first in my life. Mistake Realized. Points Lost. But I'm moving on and gaining them back. Good luck to you in getting those "points" back brother.

hjpan · Dec 1, 2008, 10:00 PM

be the bigger person and find someone else.

I was in a long distance relationship with my first ex whom left me for her "single life" of partying, drinking with friends, finding "new friends", and stupid sh*t. For me, it was REALLY hard to move on and what cycles in my mind is "I will be the one standing strong in the future."

Second ex left me cause her mom didn't approve and she hooked up with another guy who lives in South Carolina.

I took the action and cut all ties with her.

Keep this quote in mind:

"That's one small step for man. That's one giant leap for mankind."

You can choose to be the man for the mankind.

Yosomoton213 · Dec 1, 2008, 10:15 PM

Well, to clarify my relationship wasn't all long distance. We dated about 6 months in college together, lived like 5 min walk away from each other. Then we went separate ways for the summer. We visited each other twice. Then we came back, and that's when started hitting the fan. She wanted her independence. I backed off. She came back. It lasted about a month. On-and-off for another month.

I think it's better to move on than to try to fix something that's inherently broken. She realized that first, and left me in the dust. But I realize now that she is not the one for me, and any more effort and time put into trying to make it work would be a waste. I have stopped trying to rationalize or wonder why. It doesn't really matter at this point, and it only gives me negative emotions. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

I don't hate her, or her sex. I am not a chauvenist, and I do have hope of finding someone in the future. However, I am in no rush. It'll just happen. Until then, I have to become a more balanced person: Academics, fitness, friends, hobbies, etc.

Yosomoton213 · Dec 1, 2008, 10:20 PM

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

hjpan · Dec 1, 2008, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

Oh, and she wasn't officially dating someone else on the side when the poop started hitting the fan, but she was "seeing" someone, or "talking", whatever the terminology is. When I found this out, and how much it hurt me, I vowed that I do not want to know anything else about her business. It will only hurt me in the future. It also further cemented the fact that she is not the one for me.

Do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. However, once you get past that, she did me a favor right there. I saw her true colors (just not at the time!). I don't hate her, but I know she's not the one for me.

I know D:

xoxaprilwine · Dec 1, 2008, 10:48 PM

I think OP was directing that one to me :). Well it appears that you have taken the correct steps and moved forward. I am pleased to hear how well you have been doing and evidently there is some major progress. You sound like such a smart guy and honestly, its her loss... besides you deserve someone who treats you well. You should always put yourself first but still can be considerate and a gentlemen. Women like a man with a sense of dignity, pride, confidence and self respect... and more importantly, a guy that knows what he wants and has the drive to get it.

Best of luck with everything.

Yosomoton213 · Dec 1, 2008, 11:04 PM

True. I made that mistake. In the future, however, things will be different ;). I'm not going to turn into an a**hole like some others do, but I will definitely be more self-aware of my needs and wants. Mistakes are there to educate you... the hard way!

Thank you xoxoaprilwine for your encouragement.

face_reality · Dec 3, 2008, 07:12 PM

When a girl tells you she needs space, it means it's over! Cut all forms of communication, unless you want more beating from her. Disappear from this girl and move on.