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talaniman · Sep 22, 2009, 06:30 AM

This really isn't your issue to solve, and change, but that of your husband.

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 06:39 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This really isn't your issue to solve, and change, but that of your husband.

I think as a whole they need to work on this. Of course her husband does and I agree with that. But I think she should stop and think about how it looks from the outside. That's all. Having friendships off the opposite gender can be a tough one sometimes.

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 07:12 AM

I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with?

A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.

And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 07:34 AM

Originally Posted by jham123

I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with??

A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.

And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

I don't see anyone as a victim. I see it as something blown out of proportion and now it has to be put back in to place but with the right pieces.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2009, 07:48 AM

jham123; I again, need to ask, how is this the Husbands issue to deal with?

Because he is the one with the issue.

A better question would be, Why is this issue "Rob" is having any business of bab1957's?

Rob has nothing to do with this, as be it a male or female his reactions would be the same.

Wow, talk about blaming the victim for being a victim.

Her husband is hardly a victim, his fear and insecurities need some adjustments.

No matter what, the OP has brought a third party into the matrimonial mix. Somehow this third party is so important that the OP would label and vilify her very own Husband over her own poor behavior.
And somehow the Husband needs to deal with it?

Again, it's the husband who feel threatened for no reason, as I see it. Friends are friends, the problem is basically is he controls her friends for no apparent reasons, and accuses instead of getting facts, and working on his own issues.

When one partner isolates, and controls another, that's a form of abuse, and breeds resentments. When fear, and insecurity, lead to any form of manipulation, through impulsive thoughts, or actions, that's another form of abuse, and the first thing that happens is a breakdown of honest, healthy expression, and losing the communications necessary, to have trust. Its down hill after that.

The worst thing is when you feed that insecurity, and fear, by giving in to it, it gets worse over time, not better.

Just me, introducing new friends into the marriage is both healthy, and meaningful, as my female friends, are family friends, and so it is with her male friends. Some were married, some are not. The key is how you deal with them, as friends, or as rivals, or threats. I think her husband is threatened, and needs to do whatever it takes to overcome his fears, and insecurities, to make healthier decisions, and better actions for himself, so he doesn't have to be a victim, or think he is.

1800proof · Sep 22, 2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by bab1957

Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice.

If Rob's intention is not to hurt your husband, then he should understand that your relationship with him IS causing your husband pain. An emotional affair can be as, if not more, hurtful than a physical affair. I agree that the husband is the victim here. Your attention should be focused on your husband & marriage.

Not so say that you shouldn't have friends outside of the marriage, but one so close with a member of the opposite sex will always be suspect. You are giving Rob a shoulder to lean on, and to your husband, he sees you as giving yourself to Rob. I still think that your husband and relaitonship with him is more important than your relationship to Rob and helping him deal with his issues. If he were really a stand-up guy, Rob wouldn't be latching onto a married woman for his problems...

jham123 · Sep 22, 2009, 08:21 AM

^^You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 1800proof again.

Well stated.

The Marriage and the parties involved within are the ONLY thing that counts... the random chance meeting of a Tile layer... well that speaks for itself...

talaniman · Sep 22, 2009, 03:44 PM

Now he has started to check up on me. If I'm a little late getting home, or even when I have left him a note, he is positive that I have gone down to see Rob. This has resulted in yelling matches with my husband. My husband has also accused me of putting Rob before him.
I have NEVER, EVER, done that.
My husband wants me to call Rob only once a month, and then for only an hour, and see him even less. I see Rob maybe once a month if that, and speak to him once or twice a week on the phone.

This was, and is, what leads me to believe that your husband needs an attitude adjustment. He is the one losing his trust for you, and building things in his head that affect his judgment. He doesn't trust this Rob guy, and its diminishing his trust for you.

There is no emotional cheating among friends, who live within the boundaries of good behavior, but as long as that's what he sees, that's what must be dealt with.

I'm sure your friend will understand if you backed away for a while, and worked with your husband, to restore trust, or at least resolve his issues.

Him acting as a victim, is really unacceptable, and unhealthy for the relationship.

The key is honest communications, and even though you have tried to acquiesce to his wishes, he is still not satisfied.

Without help, though, he may never get it to your satisfaction. But don't give up.

I see no reason why you can't go "fishing" or whatever females call their breaks, and think of how to best help your husband avoid his insanity, in an honorable way.

Gemini54 · Sep 22, 2009, 07:39 PM

I'm sure your friend will understand if you backed away for a while, and worked with your husband, to restore trust, or at least resolve his issues.

I absolutely agree that backing off for a while is the reasonable solution.

Surely if Rob is such a good friend then he will be happy to offer this support to the OP, since she has supported him so much in the past.

If Rob does not want to hurt the OP's husband (or the OP) then he has to take a back seat for awhile.

Alty · Sep 22, 2009, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by bab1957

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. by myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. and I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, thats not me).

Are you sure?

What if you were available? Would you then go to Rob?

That's the question. If the answer is yes, then you need to re-think this "friendship" for the sake of your marriage.

I know what I'm talking about, trust me. I'm not judging, I'm seeing me in this story.

bab1957 · Sep 23, 2009, 01:01 AM

No I would not pursue a relationship with Rob.
I guess that means I won't have a social life then. Rob and I have friends in common, and we get together once a month for a potluck, and to party. I look forward to seeing my friends, and having fun. I have asked my husband to come with me, but he refuses, so what am I supposed to do then? I can't ask my friends to not invite Rob.
So for the sake of my marriage, Im supposed to give up seeing my other friends because Rob will be there? Or he is supposed to no come because I will be there because you think he should "back off" for awhile?

talaniman · Sep 23, 2009, 04:55 AM

You can have a social life. Just don't be too distracted, or to angry to address the problems with your husband. That's what good partners do when problems develop between them, no matter what they are.

Cat1864 · Sep 23, 2009, 05:25 AM

Bab, you should be able to have friends. That isn't in question.

The question is why didn't you pursue the other thread as diligently as you have this one? You didn't respond to any of the advice given there or answer Talaniman's questions about "trying to include him or leaving him to his own devices" or whether that was/is the extent of your social life.

Your husband needs to work on his insecurities. That is a given. You both need to work on the marriage. Communication and trust seem sadly lacking at this time.

I think you need to examine why "need my space" seems more important than "husband feels like a third wheel". I think it points to some larger underlying problems than a friendship.

carlee611 · Sep 23, 2009, 05:41 AM

By the sounds of it you do need a bit of breathing space and time on your own to think and reflect on your relationship. By the sounds of it there are trust issues wich need to be sorted thers no point in having a relationship with no trust because this is just going to drag you down and make your life a misery!
Time onyour own could make you think whether this relationship is worth fighting for.. or its time to move on and be on your own for a while.

Just Dahlia · Sep 23, 2009, 10:41 AM

Your husbands a man
Robs a Single man
Your husband knows what Rob is capable of doing and thinking even if you have no interest.
It happens ALL the time

bab1957 · Sep 23, 2009, 12:44 PM

I am not responsible for my husbands lack of socializing at a party, with people he knows. He is a big boy and should be able to do that himself, and yes I have stayed with him and not left him to his own devices. If he wants to have his butt glued to the sofa and not interact with other people, too bad. He can stay at home.
We have done fun things together other than party with friends. So its that's not the extent of our social life.
We did go to see father down at the rectory for marital counseling, but I don't think it did any good. I would rather see a professional ( no disrespect to the father) because I do think it would help our marriage, and your right, without some kind of help, things won't get better.