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bab1957 · Sep 19, 2009, 05:30 PM

Is it reasonable to want to take a couple days away from your husband? We have been married 23 years, and have spent most of that time with each other. The only times we have had apart is years ago when he went to Alaska to visit his brother, and when he was in he National Guard when he did his training once a month, and then yearly 2 week training.
We have been having marital, difficulty's, and I just feel the need to have some time to myself. To give myself breathing room.

artlady · Sep 19, 2009, 05:37 PM

I am only 12 years in and I know I like some space at times.

The only problem is if that space is going to create more problems.

If space is what is causing the problems,that I say go for it but if communication is needed to help the issue than what are you achieving by a break?

Catsmine · Sep 20, 2009, 03:49 AM

A little space can help you grow closer, provided you do not let unresolved issues fester in it. Resolve your problems before taking a break, and the reunion will be much sweeter. If you need a little clear area to formulate your issues, I've always found a parking lot is a good place to sit and think for 10-15 minutes right after you get done shopping, providing you go alone.

Cat1864 · Sep 20, 2009, 10:42 AM

A lot depends on why you feel the need to "get away" and if your husband understands why.

Reading your other question brings up "green prickly husband" and trust issues. If you do go away, is it at a time when your husband might think you were doing more than getting some "me" time?

Would "getting away" cause more problems than it helps?

talaniman · Sep 20, 2009, 10:43 AM

Just curious as to your marital difficulties.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...el-345795.html??

Everybody needs some space every now and then. If we didn't have two bathrooms, and two remotes, I can't imagine keeping my sanity.

Guys have a man cave, and are always going fishing, or golfing. I think females have the same needs too.

Gemini54 · Sep 20, 2009, 06:50 PM

I think that it is utterly reasonable to want to have space regardless of how long you've been married.

If you're having marriage problems then time away can help you get calm and think through things with a degree of clarity.

The thing that I would suggest is that you talk with him about how you're feeling, and explain why you want the time away from him.

jmjoseph · Sep 20, 2009, 07:02 PM

I've been married for over 10 years now. My wife is a flight attendant, and works every weekend. She usually flies to Europe, the Soviet Union, or the Middle East. I keep our two young sons while she's away. It strengthens my marriage, as well as my bond with my boys by her being gone. I know that may seem bad to say, but we truly feel that the time apart helps our relationship.

So you go have time to yourself.

You're past due. I wish you luck.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 20, 2009, 07:07 PM

I recommend one evening or two evenings a month for each person to be out with friends, or doing something they want to do.

But a day or a day and night every now and then are often good if done properly

bab1957 · Sep 21, 2009, 10:24 AM

First, I want to thank all of you who have answered my post.
If you read my previous post "Husband feels like a third Wheel" allot of this has to do with my husband feeling jealous and insecure. And it revolves around a good friend of mine.
Rob and I met when our store was being re modeled. He was one of the tile setters. We just clicked as friends and have been good buds ever since. He is not interested in having sex with me, and same with me. Im am not his type.
It had gotten to the point were hubby has out and out accused me of sleeping with Rob.
Now he has started to check up on me. If Im a little late getting home, or even when I have left him a note, he is positive that I have gone down to see Rob. This has resulted in yelling matches with my husband. My husband has also accused me of putting Rob before him.
I have NEVER, EVER, done that.
My husband wants me to call Rob only once a month, and then for only an hour, and see him even less. I see Rob maybe once a month if that, and speak to him once or twice a week on the phone.
I know there are those of you who will say, you need to get another friend, or you need to stop being friends with Rob for the sake of your marriage.
Since when does my husband dictate to me who I can and cannot be friends with?
Yes, I have tried to communicate to my husband how I feel, but its ALL about him, and how HE feels. He isn't taking how I feel into consideration at all.
This last time he checked up on me was the breaking point.

jham123 · Sep 21, 2009, 10:39 AM

Ya know... Cultivating a friendship with "Rob" outside the marriage... Play innocent all you would like about the intentions or the "no sex"... reverse the scenario and then let's talk...

A married woman cultivating a relationship with another man is inappropriate at best, He is not dictating to you at all... your Gut is.

"I need space"= "I want out"

At least that is my "opinion"

Be honest with yourself, your Husband, Us... you'll feel better about yourself.

I know it is 23 years... but if it is over it is over, be honest about it.

And that last statement... You are cultivating a relationship with another man and your Husband "just doesn't understand your feelings"... Wow

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2009, 10:47 AM

If you want to keep your marriage, I suggest counseling. Maybe he will listen there.

I don't think you would still have a marriage if you "went away" as things stand right now, it probably would just confirm to him that you want to be with the other man.

However, I wonder if you really want to stay married to a "green prickly husband" who dictates who your friends are. By the way, does he know about that nickname?

88sunflower · Sep 21, 2009, 10:55 AM

In the way I see it, your doomed for an affair if it hasn't started already. You need to get away? Does this other man know your "getting away" Starting a friendship with another man is never good. Just as starting a friendship with another woman, if you're a husband, is never good. There is nothing good about it. If you need space then take it with your girlfriends or alone. Be sure you taking your space for you, not to be with someone else.

1800proof · Sep 21, 2009, 12:32 PM

You're having an emotional affair with Rob. It's no wonder your husband is feeling insecure. I know it feels exciting to be with Rob, but it isn't right. You're committed to your husband, not Rob. My personal opinion is that you should be holding back from Rob and giving to your husband instead... maybe your hubby is "green" & "prickly" because you've already given to Rob what you should be giving to your spouse. Work on what you already have with your husband... the natural hormones that are there when you first fall in love may no longer be there with your husband, but you can still love him. What was the last loving thing you have done for him?

Gemini54 · Sep 21, 2009, 04:02 PM

I do agree with bab1957, that our partners should not be able to control our movements or dictate our friendships. In principle.

The situation she describes is in fact not about Rob. It is about trust and connection. For whatever reason the husband feels insecure and jealous of the friendship because it clearly provides her with something that he can't give. This happens in relationships, we can't expect our partner to fill all our needs - that's why we have friends. No one would be upset if 'Rob' was 'Roberta', if you get what I mean. Rob is really a symbol for the disconnection between the partners.

The fact that Rob is a man changes the dynamic entirely and introduces the element of distrust. He is seen as a potential threat to the relationship, regardless of how innocent or innocuous the friendship may seem to be. Yes, bab1957, is entitled to have whatever friendships she pleases in principle, but are they allowed to threaten the relationship and disrupt the trust in her marriage?

I do think, bab1957, that you need to put some energy back into your marriage. By all means have a short break but don't make it a way of punishing your husband for his behavior. If your marriage is important to you then perhaps Rob has to stay in the sidelines for a while.

I would suggest that you drag your husband, kicking and screaming, to a counselor. All marriages can benefit at one stage or another from an external perspective, and I think that yours has reached that stage now. A counselor will allow both your views to be heard and hopefully you can reach an agreeable compromise on this issue and reestablish trust.

88sunflower · Sep 21, 2009, 05:52 PM

Why hasn't the question been raised about her husband meeting this other guy? If he is so wonderful to hang out with why not introduce them so there is no question where each stands? Why not let him hang out at functions as a female friend would? Why does it all seem so secret?

Cat1864 · Sep 21, 2009, 06:06 PM

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Why hasnt the question been raised about her husband meeting this other guy? If he is so wonderful to hang out with why not introduce them so there is no question where each stands? Why not let him hang out at functions as a female friend would? Why does it all seem so secret?

You would have to read her other question about her husband feeling like a third wheel.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...el-345795.html

They know each other. They have been at the same parties, etc.

88sunflower · Sep 21, 2009, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You would have to read her other question about her husband feeling like a third wheel.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...el-345795.html

They know each other. They have been at the same parties, etc.

But does the "situation" make him feel like the third wheel. That's my thought. I do remember her thread I did read it. But maybe some simple changes could be made like letting them engage in conversation. Let them set the tone and conversation so there is no out cast feeling.

88sunflower · Sep 21, 2009, 06:12 PM

I guess that's why to me its seems as though its heading towards or already an affair.

bab1957 · Sep 21, 2009, 11:21 PM

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. By myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. And I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
That's why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, that's not me).

88sunflower · Sep 22, 2009, 06:24 AM

Originally Posted by bab1957

Let me say this. I love my husband more than anything, and when it comes to divorce, I hadn't planned on getting one now or in the future. Im not throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
Another thing, were I wanted to go was to my cousins condo on the peninsula. by myself. Tho my mother said she would come with me if I wanted.
I haven't held anything back from my husband, emotionally or sexually. and I have done plenty of loving things for him lately and over the years.
Its interesting how people are so willing to assume the worst about my friendship.
My friend has been through allot. First an ugly divorce, and then when he did find someone who he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, she called off the engagement. He was devastated. He was so in love with her.
Thats why Rob would never hurt my husband by having an affair. He has been through it twice. My wish for Rob is that one day he finds someone who will make him truly happy.(sorry folks, thats not me).

I am truly happy to hear this. But the bits and pieces you gave us and the two different threads, well it just sounded like that's where you were headed. I think if you step back and read this from anothers view you might see that.

Taking a little space is a wonderful idea. But it won't solve anything. It just will prolong it. Had you said where you were going and alone I personally would not have assumed an affair.

Maybe while your gone your husband and him can get to know each other. How about a golf game. Then there is no third wheel feeling. Or does your husband know any single women looking for a good man? Why not bring them together this way.