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N0help4u · Jun 24, 2009, 08:36 PM

I don't understand why you don't want to give him a chance to work things out. You say it is all black and white with him but you are making it black and white if you just say I am moving out, have my things packed, bye.
Chances are when you go to leave he will want an explanation and then he will realize if he wants you to stay that he needs to come up with some compromises to let you have some independence.
I know a lot of girls, myself included, think we have to stay home for when they get home, that we have to be there in case they want us there or to do something for them.
I have learned not to sit around waiting for or on any guy.
They come and go as they please even if we had planned a special surprise evening.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:37 PM

5 years, why has this guy not married you?
I think you need to go. This relationship is just a bit hinkey on a lot of levels IMO

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I don't understand why you don't want to give him a chance to work things out. You say it is all black and white with him but you are making it black and white if you just say I am moving out, have my things packed, bye.
Chances are when you go to leave he will want an explanation and then he will realize if he wants you to stay that he needs to come up with some compromises to let you have some independence.
I know a lot of girls, myself included, think we have to stay home for when they get home, that we have to be there in case they want us there or to do something for them.
I have learned not to sit around waiting for or on any guy.
They come and go as they please even if we had planned a special surprise evening.

I don't think he wants her to have independence, this would mean she would open her eyes and he would lose her.
He is too old and controlling. She needs to grow up and spread her wings.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

This comment is disturbing.

Sounds like you have already decided what you want to do but are too scared to do it.

I think you're right, but so much is still flying through my head. It made me feel sick because he is a good man and he doesn't deserve it. I KNOW I have to stop thinking about him and focus on me but it's very hard after a lifetime of putting others first.

N0help4u · Jun 24, 2009, 08:47 PM

I think it may be that you are just too dependent and scared to approach him about getting out and getting a life. It sounds to me like you are looking to him for a father figure.

I know when you become dependent on a guy it can be about impossible to make the change and you do feel the only way you are going to over come it is to leave but I believe if you love him enough and he loves you enough you can work something out more than likely.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 08:48 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is too old and controlling.

I am sure he doesn't mean to be... but it's kind of like I never question him because he has "been there" and is "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.

I do need to grow up. I have led a very sheltered life and feel like I am still 15 years old or something.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:48 PM

Then you need to get a backbone and start taking care of yourself.
He may be a good man but you need to be happy.
Why did you guys not marry?
I mean if he is so wonderful as old as he is why has he just been shacking with you all of this time.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:52 PM

Originally Posted by onion hippy

I am sure he doesn't mean to be... but it's kind of like I never question him because he has "been there" and is "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.

I do need to grow up. I have led a very sheltered life and feel like I am still 15 years old or something.

Girl re read what you just wrote. "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.
You are grown an adult! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, I don't care how nice he has convinced you he has been. This man has controlled you and he knows it.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:55 PM

IMO this relationship is dysfunctional and I would bet he would make you feel like an ungrateful so and so if you voiced any opposition. He has raised you his way.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 08:58 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why did you guys not marry?

Actually, that is all me. Last year around our 4 year anniversary I got really mad at him and thought that he was never going to make a serious commitment to me. He admitted to me he had planned to pop the question on my birthday, some 1 month later. Suddenly, I was unsure whether I wanted to marry him or not and I told him I don't think I am ready. Something just changed. I don't think I wanted to get married, but all my friends were and I felt left behind. Ed up, I know. :(

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Girl re read what you just wrote. "only trying to do what is best", even if it's not what I want. A lot of the time I just relent to avoid argument.
You are grown an adult! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, I don't care how nice he has convinced you he has been. This man has controlled you and he knows it.

That's the confusing part... all my friends also tell me he is only doing what's best. See, it is my dream to travel. His dream is to own a home. I want to see things and places and meet people, but he tells me buying a home is a much more secure investment, and everyone who I ask, agrees. Oh yes they say, there is plenty of time for travel. Buy a home now. I couldn't care less if I own a home or not at this stage of my life, but he, and everyone, keeps telling me it's the wisest thing to do.

Survivor07 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:01 PM

If you do not leave, imagine how you will feel in another five years. All that time wasted. Your youth given to him. You would be cheating yourself out of a real life.

I can't say that he used you, but I don't know many 40 something single men who wouldn't want a 21 year old girlfriend.

You are beginning to resent him for treating you like a child, waving his finger in your face and demanding respect... that will get old and so will he. Twenty years is a lot. It's not unheard of or impossible, but it is hard.

You demand some respect for yourself. Try it on your own. You won't regret it. You owe it to yourself, and him, not to settle for a relationship that isn't fulfilling you.

You've given this a lot of thought, over a year's worth. Time to fill him in. I don't think he will be all that surprised, just disappointed.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 09:03 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

IMO this relationship is dysfunctional and I would bet he would make you feel like an ungrateful so and so if you voiced any opposition. He has raised you his way.

This can be true, actually..

He takes control of everything in the flat (which is his place of course... God I didn't even want to move in there, but I didn't want to leave him in the lurch as his flatmate moved out suddenly. Putting myself last again!) - he does the shopping, he pays the bills, he contacts the repair people if we have a problem, he pays the rent. We'll get into an argument and he'll tell me how he does everything around the place, even though I have asked him a million times "is there anything I can do?"

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:05 PM

Of course he wants to do the home thing and you want to travel He is damn near 50. You want to experience life.
He is wanting to do what is best for him and his way of thinking. What is best for you, would be to let you go and be with someone closer to your age. Someone who will travel with you and do all those things people you have not done while you were with him.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 09:07 PM

I just want to quickly thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. :)

Survivor07 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:08 PM

He sees you as the perfect girlfriend because he has total control over you. Sure, he takes care of everything, just like I take care of my five year old.

minaeve25 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:09 PM

Hi. I agree with a lot of the advice given to you already. I was in long term relationships since I was 15 and I'm 27 now. Its like as soon as a guy & I would break up, another one would come along. I never had a chance to be single. 2 weeks ago, I left my husband. I was scared to leave him, afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of myself and my two kids. I did it anyway though. I wanted to leave him for 5 years and I finally did it. I'm on my own now and so happy. I can do whatever I want, there's no one to answer to.
You're afraid to be on your own, I totally understand that. But the fact that you're afraid to is even more of a reason to do it. You can't be happy in a relationship unless you're able to be happy on your own. As far being afraid you'll never find someone that loves you as much... if he loves you that much he will understand why you need to move out. If he doesn't understand than maybe he doesn't love you as much as you think he does. Maybe he just likes the fact that he is able to control you and you listen to him.
I'm not getting why you keep going back and forth with it. You absolutely know what you have to do to be happy. Don't let fear stop you.
The worse mistake you could ever make is to marry this man without exeriencing freedom. It's a wonderful feeling.
I'm wishing you happiness.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:10 PM

Originally Posted by onionhippy

This can be true, actually..

He takes control of everything in the flat (which is his place of course ... God I didn't even want to move in there, but I didn't want to leave him in the lurch as his flatmate moved out suddenly. Putting myself last again!) - he does the shopping, he pays the bills, he contacts the repair people if we have a problem, he pays the rent. We'll get into an argument and he'll tell me how he does everything around the place, even though I have asked him a million times "is there anything I can do?"

Young lady, I'll say it again. "it is time to grow up and leave home" And who knows, he may be ready for you to grow up and leave too.

onionhippy · Jun 24, 2009, 09:14 PM

*deep breath*

Oh boy... I can't believe I might actually do this. I am going to try my best not to let fear get the better of me, but I am absolutely petrified. You guys, again, have really, really helped me, thank you so much. I have searched the net for helpful forums and none have even come close to this. There is no nastiness or anything here, it's so refreshing, thank you.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:20 PM

You're welcome.
Stay strong. This is your life. Time to take control of it.
Keep us posted.
I wish you well.

friend4u178 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by onionhippy

*deep breath*

Oh boy... I can't believe I might actually do this. I am going to try my best not to let fear get the better of me, but I am absolutely petrified. You guys, again, have really, really helped me, thank you so much. I have searched the net for helpful forums and none have even come close to this. There is no nastiness or anything here, it's so refreshing, thank you.

We'll all be here to talk to whatever you decide.

Keep us posted :)