[BMI]

Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.

He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do believe that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.

People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.

[kp2171]

Please... don't be a martyr who is "willing to be depressed" and who isn't going to be able to concentrate on your work because of her, and who isn't willing to be the bad guy who breaks hearts.

That's passive aggressive BS.

I'm losing patience.

[kp2171]

So the only way to be "held accountable" is to punish?

[pathisfer]

For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.

[I wish]

I am willing to stay depressed until I get over this. The only problem is I am going to be gone for a month at the end of May. During this month that we are going to be apart. I am not going to able to concentrate on my army course/work because I would just keep thinking of her. She even told me that she will be studying at home for her course so she can be a nurse soon and she won't be seeing anyone. I don't wanna break both our hearts to step out of the relationship. I am so lost right now.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel that I cannot see? What are you holding on to? Have you made any progress lately?

If you are so confused about your feelings for her, you need to spend some time apart from her. You need to sort out your emotions and feelings first before continuing with her.

Why torture yourself? Relationships aren't suppose to be so sad and depressing.

[kp2171]

A LOT of truth here.

Tried to give another "agree" rating but I hafta spread it around first.

For whatever reason, if a relatively "new" relationship is already creating this much angst and anxiety, let that be your guide. This is not about judging someone's past, it's about how another person makes you feel and the things you are feeling are negative and weighing you down. Sometimes things are just not a 'good fit' and you have to cut bait when you realize it and as you get older, whether it be a job, a bad friendship or someone you are dating- hopefully you'll learn to do this without sinking yourself into a pit and punishing the other person.

[BMI]

KP - Is that comment directed at me?

If so, he'd break up with her because he cannot handle the information or the thought of what she has done. Him leaving would not be to hurt her as a punishment for her actions.

He likes her, he see's something in her, he just can't handle the stress. Same like me, I liked my ex, I saw something in her, I was disgusted at her behaviour prior to meeting me, it ended, hope she changed her ways and a better guy came along.

I know you guys are thinking that's impossible:)

[Justwantfair]

She was young, made some immature decisions about her body. Maybe she suffers from low self esteem. I think that the fact that she made some less then honorable decisions in her youth, should not be held over her head, just because he made the right choices.

Sounds like there are two different agendas here and the fact that she was upfront and you continued the relationship only to now be upset because you have feelings, sounds more like jealousy of her experience or fear that she is mentally measuring you against her past.

Walk away, this isn't fair for someone you love to feel this way about her.

[Justwantfair]

Justwantfair - Only in a perfect world would we all be able to accept everyone's fault's and enter into a relationship reserving judgement. Your example of having children and entering a relationship is not quite the same thing as having many partner's at such a young age and viewing sex as no big deal.

He has a right to know what he is getting into, he's not holding this over her head, and I do beleive that she should be held accountable forher decision making in the past. IF he leaves her than that would be her being held accountable for her actions and I do not see anything wrong with his decision to do that. A person refusing to entertain a relationship with you based on you having children would be a different matter and one in which I would not agree with.

People can say the past is none of his business but that would be unfair to him, he should know whom it is he is dating and loving for that matter.

He has known since day one 'what he was getting into', it didn't bother him then.

I don't really think that because she has had more partners then him that she believe sex is no big deal. We all make mistakes in judgement when we are younger. He has to accept it or move on. He is choosing not to accept it, she is owed that respect.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I am accountable now for all of my errors of the past.

Be judged for who you are, not where you have been, as that is what makes you who you are.

[BMI]

Justwantfair - He stated he did not have such strong feeling for her in the beginning and also that he found out about the past after they began dating.

I agree with much you say although I cannot come to accept that these error's should be easily dismissed.

Very true that we should not be subjected to scrutiny over past mistakes, however, some issues are more alarming than others. I could not just wipe the past clean if this information was revealed. If she kissed a boy or got drunk one night and acted a fool I'd agree with you, she did much more and the underlining reasons for that could be serious one's.

To a guy (some), their girlfriend is everything, a reflection of themselves and in some cases their worth. This girl either treats sex as a fun thing to do whislt bored or she may very well have self-worth issues. Whatever the reason, she was the one who chose to do it and I don't think she can expect everyone she meets to dismiss what she has done under the protection of love and caring.

Other than the above I agree that this will not work out and that he should leave before it gets worse.

[Justwantfair]

Justwantfair - He stated he did not have such strong feeling for her in the beginning and also that he found out about the past after they began dating.

After we slept together on our first date. She told me she had slept with roughly 10 guys. She was shocked that I had only been with 2 girls. She was so worried that I wouldn't want to see her again. I even asked her a month later that what if I only wanted one night stand with you.

I agree with much you say although I cannot come to accept that these error's should be easily dismissed.

Very true that we should not be subjected to scrutiny over past mistakes, however, some issues are more alarming than others. I could not just wipe the past clean if this information was revealed. If she kissed a boy or got drunk one night and acted a fool I'd agree with you, she did much more and the underlining reasons for that could be serious one's.

To a guy (some), their girlfriend is everything, a reflection of themselves and in some cases their worth. This girl either treats sex as a fun thing to do whislt bored or she may very well have self-worth issues. Whatever the reason, she was the one who chose to do it and I don't think she can expect everyone she meets to dismiss what she has done under the protection of love and caring.

Other than the above I agree that this will not work out and that he should leave before it gets worse.

I can understand what you are saying, but given the age, I just find it a tad more forgivable.

That said I think that he feelings changed and now he wants to hold it over her head and that isn't fair to her.

Happy to disagree about portions, even happier to agree this relationship won't make it past this.

[kp2171]

KP - Is that comment directed at me?

Yeah and no...

I'm honestly trying to talk this through and not have it be "im right/youre wrong"... if I wasn't middle ground here, itd be easier. I like to play out the argument until I can't get any further... I am trying to push some, but not trying to irritate. Honestly, I think you are more "right"... in that if he is so uncertain, its best to cut ties and let both sides recover and regroup sooner than later.

It was in response to your post. Not so much at you... Lord knows I'm not going to tell someone what is right for them. Barely know what's right for me most of the time.

But even in this post, you don't seem to give the possibility of reconciliation. Of finding peace after struggling through some noise. That's not completely true... but I think maybe I think it can be overcome easier than you might...

But that's the problem, isn't it? The unknown... I struggled through a tortuous end of a long term relationship, and vowed to not do that again... to cut ties much sooner... and I generally have since... so I guess my actions aren't much different than what you went through and what your conclusion has become.

Better sooner than later, if it is to happen?

KP - Is that comment directed at me?

If so, he'd break up with her because he cannot handle the information or the thought of what she has done. Him leaving would not be to hurt her as a punishment for her actions.

He likes her, he see's something in her, he just can't handle the stress. Same like me, I liked my ex, i saw something in her, I was disgusted at her behaviour prior to meeting me, it ended, hope she changed her ways and a better guy came along.

I know you guys are thinking that's impossible:)

[BMI]

Well put KP, I appreciate your input and enjoy reading your posts.

I do tend to have a more bleak outlook in situations like this due to personal experience. I marvel at people who can put stuff like this in the rearview mirror, I am not so forunate and that may very well be a flaw on my part depending on the reader.

It's funny, reading this all back I agree with much of what everyone says, guess I'm looking for an argument. ANOTHER FLAW of mine? Geez, I sure hope my next girl isn't one of those people that hold's you accountable for...

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/nursin...do-303919.html
This is when you first dated and she told you everything.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-288335.html
This is your break up and that's when you had a chance to make a decision

I personally think its really being a hypocrite to hold someone's past against them while your banging away with them.

If she is good enough to screw, and profess love to then you better get over yourself, because its real simple the way I see it. If you can't handle who she is, what the freak are you doing leading her on and pretending its all good and enjoying the loving'

I know, you said you talk to her, and that's BS. You mentioned it, but did nothing but go along with the program.

Grow up, and be an adult, and stop acting like a kid in a candy store, who has a belly is aching, but can't stop licking the lollipop.

Its not about what someone did yesterday, but what you do today. Deal with your issues, and not put them on her. Not fair.

[kp2171]

Back at you BMI.

All things considered, I'm probably too forgiving and willing to make things work... not at all costs, but perhaps more than needed.