[Lynda03]

Thank-you for all the respones and encouraging words. I feel I have to say this. When I first read mamamccabe's response. I read it as it was intended. I actually got confused when I read the later post then I went back and re read it and could see how it could have been misleading. This being... if my child would have done to someone what my brother did to mine. I could never walk away.

I wouldn't condone what he did, but whatever the consequence.. I would be there. I would be hurt, angry, guilt ridden... Can't even imagine. But I would be there, no matter what. So you see why I have such a hard time with this.

This dessision did not come easy. I wanted to rip my mom's face off when I realised she was still talking to him. Then I sat and I thought... for weeks. I would do the same for my child. I would definatley handle my grandchild different. Their needs would come before my child's. They were the victim and I would not victimize them again. That's where my problem is.

What I have to do is make her realize that she is really hurting my daughter again by her actions/words. And to make her see what kind of affect this is still having on her today and the issues she is likely to encounter in the future. She really doesn't want to know. And if I cant... then it is her loss. Mine to... I hate my brother soooooo ****** much!! And I hate that he made me know this much hate.. AGGGGHHHHHH

Thanks again,
Lynda

[starbuck8]

We understand Lynda. It's hurful, it's frustrating, it's just a big mess. Bless you for what you are doing to protect your daughter, and I would only hope that your mother sees this picture more clearly, and understands how your daughters life has been affected by this.

I'm sorry that you feel so much hate, but I can't say that I would feel any different. It's awfully hard when your brother has not taken any responsibility in this, and your mother is turning a blind eye. Your mother has to understand that her son has engraved awful things on the slate on your daughters life, that will remain forever! I only hope that your daughter can use this in a way that helps her in her life, and other lives. I know she is young, and not able to fully understand that she can't let this ruin her life.

It is unrealistic to think that she will ever forget, but hopefully at one point she will understand that your brother did an unthinkable act, and used her as an outlet for his sexual and control issues, and that she is someone that was victimized by this sick man. If it wasn't her, it would have likely been someone else, if it already hasn't been. I would sure hope not, but their could be another child somewhere that he has also done this to, and he needs to be stopped!

Hopefully your mother will agree to speaking with a counsellor, without your daughter having to be involved in the meeting, and maybe something that the counsellor says, will turn on a lightbulb for her. She has to understand that her son is a sick man, and he needs to be held accountable.

[Lynda03]

Ok... it's been a few days since my last post. I have tried to post a few times but could not bring myslef to type the words.

For some reason I looked up my brother on Facebook. He was on it. Has been since feb of 08. I know, I read every single post since he joined. My daughter came out with her abuse in feb of 07. Needless to say I have not talked to him since then. He is doing well... traveling the world, got married... and the most recent post... his wife is expecting a baby girl.

My heart sank, I went numb. I cryed, and cryed. Crying now again. What to do about that innocent child that is coming into the world. I don't knoiw what I expected to see. Not even sure why I looked in the first place. I wanted to see him going thro the same hell my family was. Silly me.

My Daughters therapist told us we could go after my brother in a civil suit. I never wanted to... How could you put a price tag on something like that? I also thought it might be sending my daughter the wrong message. And to make her relive it all again... don't know.

Now... I want the world to know what he did. More so I want his wife to know what he did. At least if she chooses to be with him, she was warned.

I had talked to my daughter about going after him in civil court after we found out they were not going to pursue him criminaly. She wanted to. She even asked me about it a few times later. I could never even bring myself to make the phone call to a lawyer.

You see... I am going thro my own personal hell. For the last 1 1/2 -2 years my daughter needed me. I was helping her go thro her hell. Putting my own to the side for the most part. Now she is doing better... doesn't need me as much and I am crashing. I had just got over not thinking about him everyday. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to bed.

About 6 month ago... I sat in the car with a gun. I wanted to go kill him. I sat there for a couple hrs. beating up the steering wheel. Contemplating how I could get away with it. Thank God I came to my senses. I know I need to be there for my kids, and I would never give up losing them for his selfish .

Since I seen the Facebook, once again I think about him all the time... and I mean ALL the time. His innocent daughter. His not knowing wife. Aaagghhhhh,

I had a conversation with my mom. She doesn't know I know all that I do since seeing his page. I couldn't even talk to her for the last 4 days. I avoided her calls. I talked to her today. She asked was my daughter still pissed at her. I told her yes. And tried to explain why... she told me my daughter needs to get over it, life goes on. I exp[lained to her that she was being nieve and victimizing my daughter all over again by her words and actions. That I thought she was in denial about what he did. She asked me how is she supposed to believe her story over his, ( His being she came onto him and that it was just foreplay)

My mom is a nanny. I told her to ask them... if a 30 year old man had "forplay" with their 7 year old child... what would they think?? My mothers mature answer was, well I just won't come over anymore. I told her that was NOT the answer. Offered to go to My daughters counsler with her so she could her from a professional what exaclty happens to kids that are sexual abused... It was a very intense conversation. I said a lot of the things we talked about in prior post.

I got excuses. Not a definite NO, but not a resounding yes either. She had to work, she didn't know if she could fit it into her schedule. I told her I thought it was pretty important that she maker an effort to attend. Left it at that. I am not going to force her to go. I will make the app. And we'll see.

Your suggestions and advice will be greatly apprecaited as they always have been, thank-you for that.

Lynda

[starbuck8]

Oh Lynda, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this personal hell. You are not only having to be strong for your daughter, you are trying to hold yourself together for her. You are doing what every loving mother would do to protect her child. Your own mother on the other hand, is really missing the mark here.

Although I understand why you looked on FB, it wasn't a good idea. It only puts the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you are letting your brother once again control your life by bringing up the memories once again. I know you are worried about the baby daughter he will soon have. I pray that his wife gets wind of what he did to your daughter, and protects her own daughter from this pedophile. If I thought it would help, I would suggest trying to contact his new wife. But the way things seem to be going with your mother at this point, it would likely be dismissed by the wife. I hate this for you. I know you feel totally helpless in this.

Your mother is in major avoidance and denial. She does not want to face it. Maybe she thinks it will make her look like a bad mother, but she doesn't realise she IS looking and acting like one by denying that happened. I don't care if your daughter was butt naked and jumped up and down on your brother! SHE WAS A 7 YR. OLD CHILD! HE IS AN ADULT, AND IS A CHILD MOLESTER! There is NO SUCH THING as foreplay with a CHILD! Your mother needs to understand this! I just can't wrap my head around why she would even ask why she should believe one over the other, but above all, your daughter has your in her corner and she knows it!

As far as going to civil court, I would ask her again if she would still like to do this. If she does, I would do it very soon. Something like this might shine a bright light in his new wife's eyes. It also might be just a little bit of vindication in your daughters eyes. She is getting the sense that no one but you, believes her. She may just need this, to be able to settle it in her own mind, and go on and be able to put it away somewhere on the top shelf.

I understand why you were sitting in your car with a gun and wanting him dead. I'd likely do the same. This is your baby! But I am glad that you stopped yourself from doing something that would change everyone's lives forever. The impact of that, coupled with the sexual abuse, would have surely killed your daughter in some shape or form. You need to be there for your kids.

I know even now, your kids are being affected by how you feel, even if you're not voicing it to them. They can see the toll it is taking on you, and your daughter is probably internalizing this and taking the blame for something that was never her fault to begin with. You can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. It is okay to break down sometimes, but you need to find an outlet so that it doesn't consume you. If it does, your brother is controlling you and he is winning! He is controlling you, just like he did that 7 yr. old innocent child. Don't let him take another life down with his unspeakable actions.

Are you seeing a counselor apart from your daughter? I think you need to, so he can help you take your rage and use it to your advantage. He can't be your focus. Unfortunately you can't change what has already happened, but you can change what happened into a stronger relationships with your daughter and your other kids.

One last thing. I saw a show not too long ago about using pets for therapy for young kids who have been sexually abused. In the case that I watched it was a Yellow Lab. They are normally very intuative and good with children, which is why they are often used for therapy and guide dogs. I'm sorry that I can't remember the name of the show, but I believe it was either on the National Geo or Animal Planet channel. You might want to check into this program if they have such a thing in your area. Or even finding a book or DVD on this program, and getting a dog yourself. Dogs really are good therapy, and may also help you when you are really stressed out.

Try not to focus your thoughts on this for awhile, and have another talk with your daughter about her thought on taking this to court.

Take care!

[Megan2345]

I was also abused as a child. It sounds like you are dealing with it well. It is important to get her into therapy if she isn't already. This is a trauma and many mental health issues can stem from this. Something like that is very hard to go through. You never really get over it. But you can get to a point where you don't have quite so many feelings attatched to every memory.
It is great that you have announced that your brother is dead to you. It will help your daughter a lot. Your reacting this way will show her that you mean what you say, and that you're on her side, etc. Is there a father in the picture? How he reacts to this is also very important. Girls get there sense of self worth from their fathers. I know it would have meant a lot to me if one of my male family members would have beat up the guy that hurt me. Especially because my abuser didn't serve time either. If someone would have kicked his it would have really helped me to see some kind of justice served.
It sounds like things are going as good as they could be. Dealing with abuse is a process. It takes time to accept and morn what has happened. If she starts that process now while she's young she'll have her whole life ahead of her. I started to deal with what happened to me when I was 14-15 too. I am now 23 and am doing so much better! She is not alone!
Keep doing what you are doing.

[Diehardrocks92]

Im so very sorry to hear about your daughter that's terrible and your brother should be in prison for what he did and he's very lucky that he's not...
But your mother has obvisiouly damaged her relastionship between her and your daughter from the moment she refused to send him to jail for what he did to her and when your daughter heard that he was doing great and the pride that must have been in your mothers voice was like salt in the wounds do you know what I mean?.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that she feels betrayed by her grandmother like she's not important enough for him to pay for his HUGE mistake and their relatioship will never be the same but your mother is you mother and your son is close to her so have to maintain that relationship for his sake and yea you daughter won't be happy about it but you can't deprive your son of his granparents keep your mother aroudn visit her without your daughter and when she is at your house keep visits as short as possible and also explain to you mother that your daughter comes first and if she ever does anthing to hurt or offend her in anyway you will have to cut ties between them it will of course be hard but your strong you'll find away to make it work xxxxx:)

[helpmepz]

As a survivor of my own fathers freak nature, I suggest that you put it in the hands of the law! As family we try to figure out what it right etc. we are not the judge or jury. There is no statue of limitations so do not protect " brother " in any way. Let the judge decide his punishment , at minimum be on the molester where abouts networks! Believe me your daughter won't be the only one!! What worked for me was to take a shovel , literally, dig a hole and bury even the thought of him... in the long run it would be the judge not you that makes judgement on the son! I spent 5 years in the YwCA rape crisis center and the bond between girls with the same happening created a bond second to none. There is a void in her heart that she will try to fill with drugs and men, I pray that this does not happen.. as always , peace, love and respect.

[starbuck8]

as a survivor of my own fathers freak nature, i suggest that you put it in the hands of the law! as family we try to figure out what it right etc. we are not the judge or jury. there is no statue of limitations so do not protect " brother " in any way. let the judge decide his punishment , at minimum be on the molester where abouts networks! believe me your daughter won't be the only one!!!!! what worked for me was to take a shovel , literally, dig a hole and bury even the thought of him... in the long run it would be the judge not you that makes judgement on the son! i spent 5 years in the YwCA rape crisis center and the bond between girls with the same happening created a bond second to none. there is a void in her heart that she will try to fill with drugs and men, i pray that this does not happen..as always , peace, love and respect.

You missed where she wrote that the prosecutor will not press charges or take the case to it trial, otherwise she would have. That's why it is important to read through. I know sometimes it's a lot of reading, but you miss pertinent info if you don't.

[Lynda03]

Thank-you once again for all your encouraging words and advice. I truly do appreciate it. I am one of the unfortunate ones who doesn’t make enough money to afford health care, but too much to get help from the government. So like I said I do Truly appreciate you all sharing your thoughts.

I have told my mother pretty much what you had said Diehard. I told her that’s not what I wanted but if it comes down to it I will not let her be a victim again. Her response was not what I had hoped for, but then it never really has been. So as of right now I am just taking it a day at a time. She asked to come over the other day... I told her it wasn’t a good time (which I have never done before) But I am feeling that if she can't even go see my daughter therapist, then she really doesn’t have her best interest at heart. Plus she made a comment that she doesn’t know who to believe ( concerning the "penetration" ) I am so tired of trying to make her see... just tired, feel like I am banging my head against the wall.

As far as my daughter’s behaviors as a result of what her fav, uncle did to her. That keeps me up nights. Fortunately we have a pretty open and honest relationship. She has tried drinking, she told me. She actully tells me more than I really want to hear sometimes. She has friends that smoke weed. We talk about that to. Matter of fact, she asked me to talk to one of her very close friends who does. She wants her to stop. That crap is just so prevalent among teenagers today it scares me to death.

The behavior that most worries me is how she treats guys. She treats them badly. But they still lover her. She has had a couple of boyfriends, and I don’t know why they even put up with her ways. She can be down right mean, very manipulative. My daughter is very popular. She is extremely pretty, (looks more like she is 18 rather then 15) a good athlete, great sense of humor, and has the rep of a little bad as well.

When she first came out with what happened. She was very angry. She was getting into fights at school. And her tongue can be very sharp, and she is very quick witted. Her grades were horrible, getting in trouble at school. The school wanted to kick her out or make her go to an alternative school. Which I fought all the way up the chain of command. It was hell. Very hard to handle as well, I knew she was going through all kinds of pain so it was very hard for me to discipline her knowing that. But I did. I stuck to my guns as far as punishments. I did a lot of reading up on children affected by sexual abuse. One thing that I heard a lot was not letting the bad behaviors become acceptable. That she couldn’t use her abuse as an excuse to misbehave.

Then one day last summer... it was like someone flicked a switch. I don’t know what happened for the change to come about. She probably was tired of being grounded. It was a great summer for her and us. Anyhow, she got into a fight the beginning of this school year... got suspended for 10days. And she had been trying very hard to get better grades, which she was... needless to say after the suspension, that went down the toilet and she seen that. We have not had an issue with fighting since then. She now goes out of her way to avoid confrontations at school. She has come sooooo far. I am soooo proud of her.

Still very concerned about her male relationship. I don’t want her hating men. I think she kind of does.

Didn’t mean to make this post so long, but thanks.