My beautiful daughter now 15 was molested by my brother when she was 7. I didn't find out till a little over a year ago. About 2 years prior she had gotten really angry, started stealing, bad grades... ect, etc. I took drastic measures, had her go to youth intervention programs, stays away from home, counseling, everything I could do I did. To make a long story short after about a year her counselor told me she thought she had been molested. I was like no way, I keep my kids close. It was my brother, Mr. do good (I was the "bad" child). Once again trying to make a vary long story short, the police felt we did not have enough evidence to convict. Even thou he admitted to my parents he did it, they told me they would not say anything to the police or in court against my brother... not for 1 mistake. (Believe me I was like one ****** mistake?? Are you kiding me? ) My parents are older and not in the best of health so and I guess I didn't want to make them go thro this. Anyway, my main concern was my daughter. I had to help her get thro this. We talked a lot, cryed together even more. I have done my best to be there for her. She has come such a long way, I am so proud of her.

I told my parents that if we were to maintain any kind of relationship, my brother was dead to me. Don't speak of him in my presence. I guess my mother thought that meant only in front of me. My daughter was with my parents (without me) and someone asked how he was... my mother went on and on how good he was doing. This sent my daughter into her own private hell once again. She told me about it... I talked to my mother about it. She apologized. Things have never been the same between them. My daughter gives my mother big attitude every time she comes over. It has gotten to the point my daughter can't stand even seeing her. Of course my daughter and I have talked about this, and I have told her to direct her anger towards the one that hurt her. So now I am trying to maintain a relationship with my mother, but I don't think I can handle both. My daughter comes before anyone... no question. I have also talked to my mom about this... she does have a warped sense of what happened, at the same time she feels horrible. There is so much more to this story. I could go on for pages. I feel like I am betraying my daughter if I keep a relationship with my mother. I do however want to keep a relationship with her. I am all my daughter has though, her father is worse then an absent parent, empty promises, etc etc. I also have a meanally challenged son who is extremely close with my mother. I am so lost in this situation, any advice would be appreciated.

I am so very sorry that this happened to your daughter, and it is especially horrific because it was at the hands of someone who should have been a trusted family member. Your mother is truly in denial about this. She is trying to protect her son, when she clearly knows that it isn't right. I'm sure she struggles with this, but it is no excuse to protect a pedophile, which is clearly what your brother is.

Bless you for being such a good mother, and having an open dialogue with your young innocent daughter. Some young girls keep it to themselves, and they act out in other ways, as you mentioned your daughter was beginning to do. I'm furious with the way the police did not take action with this. The in-justice system just does not work in the victims favour, so very often.

Other than talking to your daughter yourself, have you taken her to a counselor that specializes in young victims of sexual abuse? It is great that she can talk to you, but by talking to someone that is trained in this area, could help a great deal with some of the issues and fears she has. She needs some outside help and someone that is trained specifically in this field is necessary. They can give her the tools she needs to get through this, and deal with it the best she can. As she gets older she will need to know how to deal with it.

I'm going to call in backup here. I know just the person to help you out a little, and give you further advice. I know she will be here in a heartbeat to try and help out.

Give your daughter an extra big hug from me. Even though we are strangers, I understand. You are a wonderful mother, and I know you are doing the best you can. Hang in there.

http://www.postsmile.com/img/love2/06.gif

Thank-you for your encouraging words. My daughter has been in therapy for at the last 2 years. After she finally told us what had happened I did get her connected with a therapist who does deal with kids affected by sexual abuse. He is great. It took quite awhile for her to open up to him. I still don't think she feels completely comfortable with him, or maybe its just talking about the abuse in general, but he has done wonders. My daughter also took anger management classes (at her therapist suggestion) with some other teens. It was a very small class... It just so happened that each of the 5 girls were victims as well. The instructor was even surprised. It was so good for her... and when they graduated the class each of them had to give a little presentation, it was just heartbreaking to hear their stories of stuggle, and so uplifting to see how they interacted with each other... needless to say, it got real emotional... they were all helping each other get thro telling their story. Sorry I am rambling now and crying uncontrollably. I see all the aspects of her life not to mention everyone else, that my brother has affected. To help my own self get thro this I did some writing. One of them was a poem to my brother, a line in the poem goes like this... I never knew the depth of my love until I had my kids, I never knew how much I could hate until you did what you did. Thanks for listening and again for your encouraging words.

You weren't rambling at all. Say as much, or as little as you want. We are here to listen, and try to help as much as we can.

I'm so glad your daughter is getting the help and support she needs to get through this. Unfortuately there are too many parents who want to sweep something like this under the rug, and try and wish it away or ignore it in the hopes that it will just all go away if no one mentions it. I hate to think of kids that have to go through something like this all by themselves. That would be it's own private hell.

Again, talk all you want. There will be more people around to give their support shortly. Sometimes it's a little slow around here on the weekends, but it will pick up.

I'm so sorry that your daughter had to go through this and is having such a hard time dealing with it. Fifteen is such a difficult age to begin with, even without emotional baggage holding you down.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse, in my case it was a trusted cousin and I was 5 when it started. I never told anyone about it, and I kept my mouth shut whenever we all got together for family events. It was hard.

Your daughter definitely comes before anyone else, but, in the same token, it wasn't your mother that molested her, even though it seems she refuses to see the truth and is protecting your brother.

I think it's time to sit down with your mother, tell all, let her know exactly what her cherished son did to your little girl, then honestly ask her what she thinks you should do with regards to your relationship with her. If she doesn't get it, then it may be time to leave your mom in the past, even though it will be hard.

Your daughter needs a lot of support right now, not only from you, but everyone that is around her and knows about the incident. To just sweep it under the rug is not an option, it has to be brought out into the open, and I realize that you are doing your best to help her resolve this.

Sometimes it takes many trials before finding a good counsellor. Is she comfortable with the counsellor she sees? Talk to her about it, ask her what she needs, listen with an open mind and heart. It's often hard for us survivors to express what we really feel because we often times just want to pretend it never happened. That's not an option, if she doesn't deal with it now, it will come out in the future.

I wish I had more advice, sorry that I don't.

Big hug to you and your daughter. If you're comfortable with her joining this site, it may help her. There are many people here that have gone through similar experiences, sometimes it really helps to talk to someone who knows first hand what you're going through.

Let me know, I'll make myself available to her. I'm not a counsellor, just another survivor like her.

Good luck.

I know this is going to sound horrible, but blaming your mother doesn't change anything; and expecting her to disown her son is unreasonable. She probably wants to do what she thinks is best for her son, just like you do what's best for your daughter.
When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world. Our entire family was shattered; and he was disowned by the whole family, except for my grandmother. She refused to disown him because he was her son and she loved him unconditionally. It took a very long time but eventually we all accepted it, and having children of our own makes us understand how much we actually would do or give up for our children. I know this doesn't help you or your daughter feel any better, but maybe it can help you understand a little bit about being put in a position of choosing between your children. It really can't be done.

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Originally Posted by mamamccabe

I know this is going to sound horrible, but blaming your mother doesnt change anything; and expecting her to disown her son is unreasonable. She probably wants to do what she thinks is best for her son, just like you do what's best for your daughter.
When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world. Our entire family was shattered; and he was disowned by the whole family, except for my grandmother. She refused to disown him because he was her son and she loved him unconditionally. It took a very long time but eventually we all accepted it, and having children of our own makes us understand how much we actually would do or give up for our children. I know this doesnt help you or your daughter feel any better, but maybe it can help you understand a little bit about being put in a position of choosing between your children. It really can't be done.

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I hardly think this is unreasonable! What would her son have to do then? Murder someone? Would that still be acceptable? If his mother wants to "forgive" him, well that's her own cross to bear. But to expect her daughter and grandaughter to accept this and just forget about it is ludicrious! For a mother to accept the behaviour of her own son for leaving an 8 yr. old grandchild left for dead, severely raped and beaten on a deserted highway is just unimaginably insane! I sure hope your Grandmother got help for her issues of denial! Also above all, I certainly hope that your INNOCENT sister NEVER had to see this SICK man again! It's one thing to love your children, but another thing to be so utterly blind! I feel incredibly sorry for your sister, if this was the attitude in your family. I find this disgusting quite frankly. I'm in Alberta, and only wish I could have had a talk with your Grandmother. This is why children do not report these things. I wonder who has come to accept this? I bet it wasn't your sister. I bet he isn't her favourite person in the world now is he?

It isn't a matter of CHOOSING between your children! Yes it CAN be done. It's called holding your children accountable for their actions!

I have two children and I love them more then anything in the world. As a survivor of abuse I can honestly say, if one of my children abused someone, they'd have my wrath to deal with. I wouldn't love them any less, but I would make them take responsibility for their actions, and I'd get them the help they needed. If that meant jail time, well, so be it.

It is not okay to look away while someone sexually, physically, or mentally abuses anyone, especially a child. As a mother, I'd personally tear apart anyone who tried to harm one of my children, I don't care who he/she is!

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When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world.

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Do you really think that your sister was his last victim? I really doubt it. So, the other kids he molested have your family to thank, seeing as you all turned a blind eye to this sick individual.

And that is all I want her to do. I want her to want him to make him responsible for what he did and see him for what he really is... A child molester! I really think part of my problem is trying to see things from my parents perspective. I wish I couldn't... sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. My daughter did not want to go to the police about this. Her counselor said it was almost imperative that she do. That if she didn't she would regret it later on down the line. My daughter did not want to see her uncle locked up. I explained to her that if he did it to her he could be doing it to someone else and that there are consequences to our actions, young or old. The first time we went, she didn't say anything to the detective. We drove over two hour in a blizzard to get there. I didn't push... because she is a minor she had until 7 years after her 18th birthday to file charges. About a month later she told me she wanted to go back. We did and she told the det. Everything. On the way back home she called my mom, her reaction was ohhh, you just are not going to stop till yr uncle is locked up huh? My daughter lost it. That was the first time she had hurt my daughter. Second time being my daughter overhearing her tell other family members how well my bother was doing. Understand this to though... the night my daughter told me the horrible truth... after watching her and holding her while she sat in the middle of the floor rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably she called my mom. When my mom pulled up I ran out and told her that it was my brother ( I had already told her what the counselor had suspected) and I told her that if she couldn't handle it to leave... she came in and held her for hours... told her that what he did was wrong and that she did nothing wrong... I mean she did everything she should have done. My mother is not a horrible person. She is just in denial. We had a talk about it the other day... I did most of the talking I was at my limit. I called him a child molester... she said no he isn't. There was no penetration, (which there was, just not with his genitals) it was more like foreplay.. I don't want to repeat what I said, it was not nice. He was 30, she was 7. She is so far in denial... I don't know what to do.

I understand why your daughter would be so hurt by the way your Mom has handled this! So many times this is why children don't tell! They feel like no one will believe them, people will blame them, or people will downplay what happened to them---which is what your mother is doing. She is very obviously in complete denial. She doesn't want to believe her son did this, so she thinks if she denies it, or can somehow justify it, then in her mind it just didn't happen.

Your brother NEEDS to be punished. It doesn't matter one iota if it was genital to genital contact! That is NOT the point! Your daughter was sexually violated! This has altered the course of your daughters life, and your mother needs to be made to understand this! Her son forever changed your daughter... her grandaughter!

Is there anyway you could convince your Mom to talk to your daughters counselor for her Grandaughters sake? Could you just ask her if she would do it for the well being of your daughters mental health? The counselor would be able to explain in medical terms, the damage that has been done here.

Edit:: I certainly hope that this doesn't turn out like the situation with the above poster. If it comes to that, then, although heartbreaking, you will have to cut ties with your family, for the mental stability of your daughter. Don't let what happens with the other posters sister, happen in your family. I have a gut feeling that you would not let this happen anyway. Just a side note.

I Don't know if my mom will. I asked my daughter once before if she wanted grandma to come to counseling with us... She hated that idea. But maybe my mom going seperatley. Might work. I will definitely bring that idea up to my mom. Thanks! Now thinking about it, mom always give me articles to read that she thinks would be of benefit for me. Maybe I will bring her some reading info.

I just want to say that I think you're doing a great job with an extremely difficult situation. Your strength is humbling. Well done.

Love to you and your daughter.

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My mother is not a horrible person. She is just in denial. We had a talk about it the other day... I did most of the talking I was at my limit. I called him a child molester... she said no he isn't. There was no penetration, (which there was, just not with his genitals) it was more like foreplay.. I don't want to repeat what I said, it was not nice. He was 30, she was 7. She is so far in denial... I don't know what to do.

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The above quote says a lot. It sounds like your mom doesn't really understand what went on or how very damaging it can be. It may have to do with her age, how things were in the "olden" days.

Back when your mom was young child molesters weren't talked about, nor was incest or rape. She probably thinks that since he didn't actually penetrate her with his penis, that she wasn't sexually molested. But, we all know that sexual molestation is more then that.

She may also believe that somehow, your daughter lead him on. Yes, that's also foolish, but many people of the older generation don't believe in molestation, the honestly think that the victim somehow coersed the perpetrator.

I don't think that you and your mother will ever see eye to eye on this. Having said that, you have to decide whether you can handle having your mother in your life, knowing that she supports your brother, loves your brother and will not put a stop to his behavior, and yes, I think he will do it again, in fact, I'm pretty certain of it.

You need to focus on your daughter, get her the help she needs, help her deal with this so she can live as normal a life as possible.

The most important thing, something you are already doing, is to make sure she knows that this is not her fault, only one person is to blame and that is her Uncle.

I believe in karma, I'm sure he'll get his, but sadly, it probably won't happen until he molests another child.

I wish I could offer a better solution, a step by step program, a sure thing, but I can't.

We are here to listen though.

Have you given any thought to letting your daughter join AMHD? It may help her to talk to people she doesn't know and doesn't have to face. I know it helped me a great deal.

Take care. We'll be here if you need us.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I have two children and I love them more then anything in the world. As a survivor of abuse I can honestly say, if one of my children abused someone, they'd have my wrath to deal with. I wouldn't love them any less, but I would make them take responsibility for their actions, and I'd get them the help they needed. If that meant jail time, well, so be it.

It is not okay to look away while someone sexually, physically, or mentally abuses anyone, especially a child. As a mother, I'd personally tear apart anyone who tried to harm one of my children, I don't care who he/she is!



Do you really think that your sister was his last victim? I really doubt it. So, the other kids he molested have your family to thank, seeing as you all turned a blind eye to this sick individual.

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Just so all you closed minded individuals know, he spent 10 years in prison. Nobody defended his actions or forgot about anything. My grandmother was the only one who has had anything to do with him since, all I was saying is that you can't blame another mother for feeling for her child. Please don't assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea. It's a heck of a lot easier to say you would react a certain way in this kind of situation, than it is to actually have to deal with it. I really don't think I said anything about ignoring my sister in this situation yet I've received a lot of comments saying I did. For the original poster, I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless.

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Originally Posted by mamamccabe

Just so all you closed minded individuals know, he spent 10 years in prison. Nobody defended his actions or forgot about anything. My grandmother was the only one who has had anything to do with him since, all I was saying is that you can't blame another mother for feeling for her child. Please dont assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea. It's a heck of a lot easier to say you would react a certain way in this kind of situation, than it is to actually have to deal with it. I really dont think I said anything about ignoring my sister in this situation yet I've received a lot of comments saying I did. For the original poster, I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless.

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We only respond to what is written. We are not mind readers! I stand by what I said, and I am certainly glad he spent time in prison for his crime.

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Please don't assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea

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We base our responses on the information provided. You didn't tell us he spent time in prison, only that your grandmother didn't want him prosecuted.

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I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless

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So, we're not supposed to assume, but it's okay for you to assume? Not bloody likely dear.

I love my kids more then anything on this earth, but, if they go out and hurt another human being then, I, as a mother, have to accept that I either did a terrible job raising my child or I have to accept that they need help, pretending nothing happened is not an option. I would not sit by and do nothing, especially if they hurt a child.

That's not heartless, it's responsible.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

We base our responses on the information provided. You didn't tell us he spent time in prison, only that your grandmother didn't want him prosecuted.



So, we're not supposed to assume, but it's okay for you to assume? Not bloody likely dear.

I love my kids more then anything on this earth, but, if they go out and hurt another human being then, I, as a mother, have to accept that I either did a terrible job raising my child or I have to accept that they need help, pretending nothing happened is not an option. I would not sit by and do nothing, especially if they hurt a child.

That's not heartless, it's responsible.

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I'm sorry but your response to me doesn't make any sense. I never said my grandmother didn't want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didn't happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasn't dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasn't trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that don't do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existence, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesn't exist.
But it isn't fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesn't heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

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Originally Posted by mamamccabe

I'm sorry but your response to me doesnt make any sense. I never said my grandmother didnt want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didnt happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasnt dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasnt trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that dont do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existance, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesnt exist.
But it isnt fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesnt heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

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If we would have been able to understand this from the beginning, our responses may have been different. We were merely responding to what was originally said, and that is all we have to go on. It had obviously sounded to us all as if your mother had condoned his behaviour, and that is what we were reacting to. I understand now a little more about what you are trying to say. Of course keeping the other children and grandchildren around wouldn't be fair, as long as your mother understood the gravity of the situation, and what her son did to her family. If he is never spoken of or has any dealings with anyone but your mother between the two of them and no one else, then that I can understand. This was not the sense I got from your first post, and as I said, this is why we reacted the way we did.

Lynda's mother at the moment doesn't seem to fully understand or comprehend the damage that has been done to her grandchild, and until she does accept what her son did was 100% wrong, it is only going to be hurtful to her grandchild to be around her knowing that her grandmother still speaks of her son in her presence when she doesn't realise how hurtful and painful this is to Lynda and her daughter. Her mother still doesn't understand that this was molestation, and a serious thing that is taking a huge toll on her other child. It's fresh to them now, as I assume this was at the time this horrible and unspeakable thing happened to your sister. We didn't understand that your mother was right behind you in this, and that she knew he had to spend time in prison for his crime. Lynda's mom isn't there yet. We know that it's best for all involved if they can stay in her mothers life, but right now Lynda has to put her daughters best interests first and foremost. If that means that her mother is not a part of their lives for now, then that is how it will have to be in order to protect her daughter from any further hurt. Hopefully she will agree to talk to a counsellor, so she can better understand the damage that her son has caused.

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Originally Posted by mamamccabe

I'm sorry but your response to me doesnt make any sense. I never said my grandmother didnt want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didnt happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasnt dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasnt trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that dont do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existance, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesnt exist.
But it isnt fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesnt heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

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Like Starby said, your first post didn't come off very well and we reacted accordingly. I know it's hard to write the whole story down, but it does give us a better idea of what you are trying to say. If you leave information out, we do our best to fill in the blanks, and your post didn't sound very positive.

The above post is clearer, now we have a better understanding. Had we known all this from the beginning, we wouldn't have reacted the way we did.

You did still call us heartless, that was uncalled for.

This is a public forum, as soon as you write a post it becomes public, people respond to what you have written, if you don't take the time to make your posts clear, then you chance getting bad responses. We can't read minds, wish we could, it would make all of this a lot easier.

As for the OP, her mother hasn't yet fully accepted what her son did to her granddaughter. She does still talk about him around her, she doesn't want him to go to prison for what he did, she's just sweeping it under the rug.

Until the grandmother fully understands what happened and how detrimental it was to this poor child, I don't think the OP can chance having her daughter around her grandmother.

The child is now 15, still a child, only her mother can protect her. Maybe by telling the grandmother that she can no longer see the 15 year old, then she'll finally realize what happened and how severe it was and continues to be.

It's not an easy thing to cut someone out of your life, especially since the grandmother obviously loves her family very much. But, right now the emotional health of the child has to come first and foremost.

If only the grandmother could understand. Maybe it's time for her to sit with the child's therapist, discuss what is going on, how it is affecting the child. Maybe if she talks to an unbiased third party she will finally understand.

I wish I could offer more.

I agree with starbuck8, especially on the blame part. The pedophiles convince you that you really wanted it and if you told someone, no one would believe a 7 year old. She was very brave and fortunate that she had a Mother that understood what was going on.