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talaniman · Apr 2, 2009, 11:33 AM

Is it just me, or am I missing something? After 4 years the expectations, and communications, would seem to be at a point where you both are more open, and honest about your feelings, and future plans.

He may be stuck in a comfort zone, and doesn't want to advance, but after reading this again, I would have sworn you two just met.

Personally, I am starting to think you take way too much guff, just to keep him, and he is keeping a distance that unacceptable for a 4 year relationship. At least to me that is.

I can understand your frustrations, but am confused why you give so much, to get so little??

BMI · Apr 2, 2009, 11:35 AM

Sorry to be a downer but this speculative behaviour is more akin to teenagers dating for a month rather than an engaged couple considering getting married.

It must have been a really big argument that resulted in you breaking up after 4 years on the verge of marriage. Although, from the sounds of it I'm not so sure it was?

Lol... T-man! I wrote this minutes after your post and so I did not see what you had written. Essentially your point is what I was trying to say:)

EnglishRose2232 · Apr 4, 2009, 06:34 AM

He still hasn't conacted me so I've basically told him to sort himself out, if he decides he wants me he knows where I am but I'm not being treated like this anymore, its either all or nothing. Im not going to contact him until he decides, which will hopefully make him think! In the meantime in going to go have fun with my girlfriends!

EnglishRose2232 · Sep 21, 2009, 11:25 AM

OK bear with me, this is a long one!!
Me and my ex fiancée of 4 years broke up 7 months ago due 2 an argument that got blown out of proportion. There was a lot of drama (mostly from me!) and he ignored me for about a month.
Well 3 weeks ago he came and met me on a lunch break, we laughed and joked and got on really well, he told me that he was starting a music course and that he had moved to the next town but he didn't like it there much, after we shared a hug and he gave me several long kisses and said he missed me and didn't like living on his own. I text him later in the evening asking how he felt now he had seen me and he said he felt great and that lots of feelings were rushing back.
But since then he has not turned up for 2 arranged meetings, after the second I said I couldn't be treated like this anymore and left it at that, this Friday I received 12 text messages from him (I was not replying) asking if we could meet up as we were both off today. The last message he sent was saying he loved me. On Saturday morning at 8am! He starts up again and I receive a further 7 including one saying yet again 'i love u x' and another saying he wanted a relationship. I continued to ignore him until yesterday morning when I agreed. He said he had a doctors appointment at 3 today and he would pick me up after.
Well today he was round his mums house at 1 and asked me to come online to chat (he doesn't have the net at his house) he seemed sad and was saying that he missses not being back at home and misses being in this town and said the saying 'you don't know what you have got till its gone' is so true and that he was major homesick and that everything isn't what he thought it would be like, he even changed his display picture for afew minutes to a picture he had just taken of him looking angry/sad.
The last I heard from him was a text saying he might be abit late... its now 7pm so I can safely assume he isn't coming seeing how his appointment was at 3!
I don't understand why he hastled me for 2 days only not to show! I was clearly miffed and text him that I think it's a good idea if he doesn't contact me again.
But I don't know if that was the right thing to do, he is a very emotional person and not spiteful. I kind of wish I hadn't told him to basically go away as now I have calmed down I realise he does seem kind of sad, depressed even.
Why do you guys think he is behaving this way and what can I say to him?
Sorry this is so long!

I wish · Sep 21, 2009, 11:37 AM

Please keep all your questions regarding the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate answers.

The two of you need to stay away from each other to allow yourselves to heal. The more you see each other, the longer it will take for you to recover from this break up.

Leave each other alone so that you can move on with your lives.

Justwantfair · Sep 21, 2009, 11:41 AM

Well I had a well thought our response prepared, but I missed the move.
So I will try to reprepare.

When you first broke up you said that you were the root cause of a lot of drama.
Now it is his turn because the reality is hitting him.

You have hurt all of the progress you made by returning to contact.
You broke up for a reason, return to NC so that you both have time to completely heal.
You are causing more damage by trying to piece this relationship back together.
You need more time apart.

winding200 · Sep 22, 2009, 06:32 AM

You still love him, like the marriage happen, but you know you have issues on your behavior. He has feeling for you, but he is still hurt, and concerned about your behavior. I do not think NC will not repair the damage.

To cut the chase, I will suggest to have a sincere couple therapy. You can send a well written email to him and suggest to have a couple therapy for healthy relationship if he is ready for it. It will demonstrate your willingness and sincerity toward the relationship & your ex. If he is sincere, he will take it as a good sign, and happily participate. With the professional help, you guys can have emotional support as a couple, set up a ground rule for constructive argument for future, and most importantly have the closure of the damaged past. It will definitely help you guys work out together for future in constructive way. Professional counseling can cost a lot, but you can find some affordable counseling in church or community. If you go to the counseling session, keep your mind open, and take the criticism as remedy. It will be good for you. One good counseling can save you guys & future marriage. Isn't it worth it? Good luck!

EnglishRose2232 · Oct 21, 2009, 01:24 PM

Hey people, thought id give you an update as to what's been happening.
Well 2 days ago at my ex's request we met up and spent the day together. We had a heart to heart and he must have told me about 20 times that he loves me, he said he was so sorry for the way things have been and knows he was in the wrong, I was abit confused as all I kept thinking was the way he acted and now he was saying all this! He sensed my distance and kept asking if I was OK and holding my hand, then we both burst into tears!
He says that he wants to be near me and is thinking of moving back to the same town and eventually wants us to live together, he was so sincere in what he was saying and giving me lots of eye contact. He said he had big plans for us and later on said casually 'whens your birthday again?' (its in just under 2 weeks) We agreed to meet up again later in the week (tomorrow after he finishes college) and I text today just to confirm it was still OK to which he said it was. I still feel a little anxious as in my head I keep thinking he won't see me tomorrow. I also seem to be fighting with myself, one half of me believes what he says but there is the other half of me that's anxious in that he doesn't mean any of it (I told him this when I saw him to which he said 'i don't know what else to say to you to make you believe me, tell me what you want me to say to make you believe' and I said I didn't know. I guess I've just got to work through my emotions but its driving me mad!

talaniman · Oct 21, 2009, 01:47 PM

After all this drama, I think you both come to an agreement to leave each other alone. And stick to it. You have not established the communications skills between you to make this work, so now its time to back away from each other for at least 6 months of STRICT No Contact.

Use the time to get your head together without his influence. I think your both holding on to something that ain't happening.

Your expectations are to high for him to ever meet, and he doesn't have a clue how to reassure you, or give you the constant attention your requiring from him.

Jayjay027 · Oct 21, 2009, 02:28 PM

Wow this is a tough one.

You couldn't be more clear to him about how you have been feeling, and what you want. He is playing a horrible game with you by arranging to meet, then not showing up. I think that is despicable.

The other side to it is, he is hurt because you were so quick to end a 4 year relationship and maybe wants you to pay for it.

The bottom line is, if you both want this to work, you both need to grow up. You can't keep chasing him if he doesn't know what he wants, and he needs to make it 100% clear whether he wants you or not. He can't keep you hanging on like this, it's unfair on you.