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ka1 · Feb 11, 2009, 09:56 AM

Not to beat a dead horse into the ground, but let me just give an example. I was with my ex 7yrs. I was engaged, and loved her deeply. She has mentioned, before the break-up day, or separation as she puts it, she sees me as being in her life even if we are not a couple. My response to her, and I relate it to you is this:

How does that work exactly? Are we going to talk on the phone about her new man that she gets eventually? When she does get a new boyfriend are we going to meet for inappropriate lunches or dinners? On x-mas, since I am so close to her family, am I going to swing by and see her with her new man, that I know she screwing?

See what I mean? I'm a great friend to have so I can see what she would get from my friendship, but how does that help me? What does that do for me? Especially, given that I do believe that we fit better than anyone else she can find. Loving her the rest of her life, was my job, not someone else's. SO why do I want to see or have in my face that someone has my job.

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by ka1

Not to beat a dead horse into the ground, but let me just give an example. I was with my ex 7yrs. I was engaged, and loved her deeply. She has mentioned, before the break-up day, or separation as she puts it, she sees me as being in her life even if we are not a couple. My response to her, and I relate it to you is this:

How does that work exactly? Are we gonna talk on the phone about her new man that she gets eventually? When she does get a new boyfriend are we gonna meet for inappropriate lunches or dinners? On x-mas, since I am so close to her family, am I gonna swing by and see her with her new man, that I know she screwing?

See what I mean? I'm a great friend to have so I can see what she would get from my friendship, but how does that help me? What does that do for me? Especially, given that I do believe that we fit better than anyone else she can find. Loving her the rest of her life, was my job, not someone else's. SO why do I want to see or have in my face that someone has my job.

We got started on the wrong foot, and I do understand your view of things, and also I apologize for this pain.

I want to make it abundantly clear, that looking at a relationship as a job, is not right. I realize now that you are an incredible guy, even the "old" fashioned gentlemen that most women dream of. Thus, you see things as giving up. I.E. NEVER quit on something, see it through, to the end, and I can appreciate that.

Your job now, my friend, is to take care of yourself, and find happiness in things that, even though small, have a major impact on the rest of your life. In football you are always taught to keep playing until you hear the whistle blow... well, my friend, it is blowing, and perhaps you need to start listening. You also leave everything on the field... in this relationship, I believe you did that, which makes it even harder to understand how it could end.

lola64 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:00 AM

"How does that work exactly? Are we gonna talk on the phone about her new man that she gets eventually? When she does get a new boyfriend are we gonna meet for inappropriate lunches or dinners? On x-mas, since I am so close to her family, am I gonna swing by and see her with her new man, that I know she screwing? "

EXACTLY! Well said! Thanks!

SAB123 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:15 AM

My ex also wanted to be friends, I told her no if we can't be together there is no need to be friends and I'm not going to hang out with you while your with someone else. Come on.

_Someone_ · Feb 13, 2009, 11:32 PM

Lola64 sorry for my judgment. You should have included more details in your first post like: the topless photos of his girl friends in his PC etc... they are very immature actions and they show disrespect towards you. You are not cold hearted.he deserves it.
I don't know how much he loves you, I don't know how much he can change if you give him a second chance, I don't know how much he regrets his actions. But if he loved you, I know how much he is suffering.I feel sorry for your 5 years and I know you do it too.
I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years.loved and respected her so much.making her happy was my pleasure. And in the end she cheated.I wrote short because I don't want to remember details about my relationship.I know very good how much I suffered and I'm suffering.im still fresh.
So the best thing you can do is: don't go directly into another guy's arms.even that your boyfriend deserves it don't do it.dont let your boyfriend think you are a cheater.it will hurt him and your personality.take your time first.
I apologize again for my first post.

Trying2Cope · Feb 23, 2009, 10:52 AM

Lola64 you made a choice and now have to stick to it! I too know that this was a difficult choice for you to make. Your life changed as you knew it! I too am recently going through a tough time! I was with my former fiancée for 4.5 years. Currently we still live together! I know for you it is really hard going from a owner back to a renter! However you had to do what you had to do for you! In my situation my EX already had a back up prior to leaving me! Often I get mad at myself because I stayed and tried to work the relationship out no matter what! In the end I too am leaving my life as I once imagined it! I'm glad that you are working on yourself... I am at that stage as well... I do not want to rush into another relationship... It is all about me know! I do not have to worry about NC... my EX and I do not speak... we went from being amicale to being unbearable!

Having trusts issues is a major factor in a realationship... it does take a toll on you and begins to eat you up alive! Obviously I had trust issues too... and YES my gut was speaking to me... and in the end I confirmed the cheating! Regardless of you being the dumper and me being the dumpee... pain is pain!

lola64 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:43 AM

Hi all- I'm back. This is more of a venting/ frustration/ just had to get out of my head for a moment of support..
I'm SO TIRED OF being inside my head. I am going over and OVER my ex and the way it all went down. I have frustration that comes in waves: just when I think it's gone, it resurfaces, and then, moments or hours later, it's the opposite: I wish everything could be like it was when (I THOUGHT) it was good between us.. I ache for that comfort and friendship and companionship. I miss my best friend. We didn't have much of a relationship, so sometimes I don't even KNOW what it is I miss so much! :S It was just so long together, it feels like in some ways, the grieving won't let me alone.
I'm not in as dark a place as you would be just after a breakup: I'm functioning, and doing things, living my life, trying to move on. But these thoughts are still in there, and I need a break from them. I feel like I WANT to let go, but I just haven't fully yet! I feel like I have nobody left to talk to, to get them out of my mind. When do the clouds lift again and I can stop missing what we (thought we) had? How do I let go?
Btw- it's been over a month since I've seen him and the contact has been pretty much nil.
We've agreed to stay away from each other and go NC until we each feel like we can approach each other once again. In the meantime, I know his mom is suffering from advanced cancer (has been for a couple years now) his dog just died, and he's been hanging out with the other 'friend' a lot.. which I've grown to not care so much about. So it's kind of hard at times knowing all this is going onand that I can't be that support system for him anymore and he can't be mine. I think that's made it harder to let go.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2009, 01:56 PM

Be patient with yourself, and stay busy, as its hard to change thought patterns, and old habits, that your use to after 5 years together. The busier the better, and the more fun you have, the faster the time goes by.

ka1 · Mar 8, 2009, 03:36 PM

Amen to that. I cannot stop the sadness. This morning I felt like I was going to literally break in half from the pain.

akashasmaker · Dec 22, 2012, 04:20 PM

I am such an IDIOT!!

I was lucky to have been in a relationship that lasted close to 9 years (Oct 8 2012) but I broke it off in February 2012. My problem is commitment. What the hell else could it be? I am a male by the way.

We both had similar circumstances. She had a son, I had a daughter, she lived with her family, I lived with my family. She is divorced and I was separated.

I could go on, and on...

I hate to say I was looking for something that clearly does not exist: PERFECTION.

Fellas, hold on to that lady by your side...