[friend4u178]

Cheers Friend4u178,
I think my breakup has gone thru the 5 phases, but not necessarily in that order- its been a yo- yo and the anger arrived - i am hoping at the end...after the denial,bargaining, depression, acceptance ..

Pleasure Zeeniee

I'm glad you can see light at the end of the tunnel :)

[zeeniee]

Thanks friend4u178-
It is a damm long tunnel- but I believe I will come to the end one day!

[talaniman]

That's exactly how you can tell where the people who come here are at. Thanks, Friend!!

[BrentNumber1]

On day #18 of NC and just had to vent that today felt like a big setback triggered by a stupid dream I had last night about us getting back together.
I think a major issue in me pushing her out of my mind completely is that we've broken contact gotten back together in the past. My head is completely ready to move on but for some reason my heart is a glutton for punishment and is dragging its feet. Are these sorts of setbacks to be expected? Found myself really curous about what she's been up to as well but I've so far been able to resist temptation that I know will just hurt.

[friend4u178]

Totally normal feelings , you just need to keep NC. Feeling crap after a mere dream shows you just how much worse it would be if you actually contacted her.

[kctiger]

On day #18 of NC and just had to vent that today felt like a big setback triggered by a stupid dream I had last night about us getting back together.
I think a major issue in me pushing her out of my mind completely is that we've broken contact gotten back together in the past. My head is completely ready to move on but for some reason my heart is a glutton for punishment and is dragging its feet. Are these sorts of setbacks to be expected? Found myself really curious about what she's been up to as well but I've so far been able to resist temptation that I know will just hurt.

Dude... this happens, and will happen more I would imagine. Some of the reactions to this emotional detoxification are:

1. Extreme loss of sleep (we're talking 1-4 hours of sleep a night)
2. Vivid dreams, that actually can result in waking up crying (happened to me several times)
3. Very low motivation to do anything... after all, our "love" is gone, so what do we have to live for huh?
4. Constant worry about what she is doing
5. Little to no diet at all. When you do eat, your appetite is VERY small as compared to normal.
6. The picturing of her with another guy comes through your imagination, at often very random times of the day, which can lead to random tears or even nausea and vomitting.
7. Coming on AMHD and venting for hours on end, reading every thread, seeing if "getting back together" is possible, or works. Feeling your situation may be different.
8. The pooring of money into an e-book that promises your ex back into your arms within a certain time frame (this is the biggest rip off).

No worries man. It is hard. I remember everyone telling me to be strong, and that it doesn't get better, so I thought about the next reaction:

9. The feeling that you will NEVER get better, and you will eventually either get back together with your "love" or your life will just vanish.

You WILL get better. You are doing awesome man! Just keep it up, and come on here as often as you need. Nothing you are going through is abnormal.

Carry on... :cool:

[BrentNumber1]

So I semi-broke contact today in the sense that I snooped around her online profile just to see if she was still alive. She's not listed as a friend and the profile is private so the amount of info I could see was really limited. Did see the "in a relationship tag" though with new Brent. The best surprise is that it didn't really upset me at all. I'm coming up on 4 weeks of NC tomorrow and I think I'm finally accepting that she wasn't a good match for me. My biggest worry now is that at 31 I'm never going to have the true love/marriage/family I really want. Yeah probably a little ridiculous as I'm not that old but I've spent a good chunk of my adult life alone and don't fall into casual relationships easily. All the more reason to move on from what was obviously broken. I don't mind being alone as I'm used to it but at the same time I'm a little sick of it at this point in my life. Frustrating. I think that's the biggest source of pain right now.

One last funny bit relating to my 1st post. Looked up an old girlfriend from about 7 or 8 years ago just out of curiosity, no feelings for her (my first significant LT relationship). She's now dating a Brent too. So 2 of the 3 major relationships in my life are with different Brents. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. :-)

[ardahk]

I am with you Brent.

It's a week today of NC after I heard that my girlfriend was in love with another guy and me. Best thing I have ever done, was to be a man, get up and leave. Had to respect myself above anyone.

She was my love, she is an amazing girl but things work out like that. I haven't forgiven her, I am angry, hurt and think about her a lot especially when waking in the morning and sleeping at night - worse times of the day.

Going on dates do help, but remember its just some fun and company because as soon as you start looking for what you have lost, all goes back to hell.

I know I can stick to the NC just getting her out of my head is incredibly difficult - even if I do go on dates and have other girls..

F***ing impossible I tell you - keep it up though

We always get there in the end

[BrentNumber1]

Nice work so far ard.
You'll get there day by day. The weekend is here but ordinarly the best part of the week can be a downer when you have all that time to sit and let your mind wander. It's good to rely on friends to stay busy but after a while you're left alone with just you and your thoughts.

[Crista]

Sounds like she used you the whole time just so didn't have to feel lonely. She had you wrapped around her finger. She may be beautiful to you on the outside but you have to focus on people's insides and she sounded really ugly.

[BrentNumber1]

Fell off the wagon at 31 days.
I sent an e-mail to her today. Very simple paragraph or so just asking how her running was going and seeing if she was doing an upcoming race (running was a big shared passion of ours). She responded with a huge long e-mail, no mention of the new boyfriend (not that I asked). She mentioned about 2 or three times in the e-mail how glad she was to hear from me and that she was planning to e-mail me herself today anyway before I sent mine.
She even asked if I wanted to get together for coffee/dinner to catchup.
I replied, answered her questions with the exception of the dinner question but kept things purposely distant. I ended the e-mail explaining my need to "fall off the grid for a month to refocus my energies and priorites." Pretty lame I guess but overall a very composed e-mail.
And now here I am. For a few hours immediately afterward I was a little depressed. I think I'm most missing the emotional connection. Honestly, as pathetic as it sounds, the new b/f doesn't even upset me. It's the loss of our mutual reliance dependence on one another. Never again will I have that with her. I guess that's OK in the long run. It's just really lonely at the moment.
*end of vent*

[Crista]

She had a new boyfriend from the previous one you were talking about in the beginning! That's what it sounds to me when you said "new" boyfriend.
I have a friend that is having trouble getting over a certain girl who dumped him. It was very sudden. Well, it's effecting him meeting other girls. He gets depressed just before meeting someone new and that can be sensed. You have to find something up lifting to boost your confidence and believe you will find someone who is available.

[BrentNumber1]

Nope sorry for the confusion. She's in a relationship with the same new "Brent" as in the first post. Like I said, my feelings now are that I don't even really care about the new guy, I'm just sad for the loss of the connection I had to her. I'm shy and have a hard time connecting with people in general. Fortunately work has been more than enough to keep me busy lately. Thanks for the advice/kind thoughts.

[ardahk]

Hmmm, you broke NC..

Im a little scared for you, because if I emailed my ex and broke NC and she made a huge reply, I would probably reply but where does this leave you now? You felt sad after that so its clear you aren't ready to start talking to her again - so I ask, why did you email her??

Sticking to NC is the only way to get over our problems so that maybe in the future we can handle our feelings and ourselves if we ever wanted to be friendly with our exs'.

You aren't the only shy guy around, I am pretty shy and a connection for me with someone is hard to come by, let alone a relationship - I am very picky, only get into a relationship if I see it going somewhere and I really really know the person. You weren't killing yourself for being a shy guy before you found this girl so you know you are fine. Connections are golden and do not come around often, but for us shy guys when they done come round there are always worth the wait.

Why rush? Just live your life, enjoy your hobbies, friends and going out and when you least expect it, something will just pop up just like it always do

[BrentNumber1]

True I broke no contact but I think I'm OK. She e-mailed a long-email today talking about how good it was to hear from me yesterday and that she still thinks about me every day and always felt deep down that we would eventually be in contact and be friends when I was ready. She said regardless of what life and love may bring she wants to stay friends forever. Again, we started as friends way back when and then the line got blurred. She again extended the offer to meet up 2nd e-mail in a row.
She then talked a bit about her new guy and talked about how things were going OK with him and that she was housesitting for him and his 2 dogs while he's away on business for 9 days. Said I could meet him in a month at a race we're both doing it I wanted to.
I guess I feel good in that she does really value me and my friendship. No, she doesn't love me in the way I wanted her to but she still really cares about me and wants me to be a part of her life whenever I feel ready and that makes me feel a little less used.
I haven't replied to today's e-mail and I don't know that I will anytime soon. I realize I need to stay the course of no contact until I'm 100% healed and I know I'm not there yet. But I guess a part of me is happy that the door for a legitimate friendship is open down the road. So onward I go... have a couple more casual dates lined up for later this week that I'm looking forward to. Also made plans to get out of town with other single friends for the weekend.

[talaniman]

From another thread.

Ayejay- have done the NC thing and lived without her for basically 5+ months. Then I opened the door a bit to try to see if a friendship could be rebuilt and she really came back stronger than I was expecting. I think she is having some issues with her current relationship and I have become an outlet. Don't get me wrong, the line is drawn and we don't talk about relationship things at all except maybe in passing reference to the sig. other (mine that ended recently or hers). I refuse to be a shoulder for her to cry on in that regard. We both have a really strong interest in running and have been training together for an upcoming marathon. I guess my problem is that in reconnecting with her I was ok with a casual talk and hang out every couple of weeks/month sort of thing and she is responding with more interest in renewing the friendship than I had anticipated. She initiates most of our communication and I am all too willing to oblige. Just seems odd for someone in a supposedly solid relationship to be talking to/hanging out with a guy that she was at one time intimate with isn't it? Or am I reading far too much into this?
I really am just happy to renew the close bond we used to have and don't really care about the fact that we're not romantically together. But I can't really be sure if this is just me deluding myself with the sliver of false hope that she will want to eventually come back and I will have "won" her affection. I can say that i definitely feel better with her as a part of my life than without her even if it's just in the role of friend. I don't exactly know what that means though and if it is somehow preventing me from moving on. I don't feel like it is, I just haven't found anyway else I consider relationship-worthy in the meantime and after a couple of failures am unwilling to settle just for the sake of being with someone.

Actually I find this disturbing on many levels.

[talaniman]

Also from another thread.

Good points.
Whatever the status of her current relationship, it's none of my business and I don't really care to know the details and she seems to understand and steer clear of the topic. I don't think I'm being subversive or underhanded in my recently renewed communications but just acting as a good friend.
As for the question of what would happen if I had another girlfriend, I would definitely be willing to give up the friendship for the right reasons and right girl. I have to look out for myself first and if she is holding me back from a happy, healthy relationship I wouldn't hesitate to end the friendship. Afterall, I gave her every opportunity to be a priority in my life and she rejected that chance for whatever reason. I would hope we could remain friends but I would not let the friendship impede my path to ultimate happiness.
Again, I don't really think I'm harboring any false hope but I need to stay on top of things to make sure my actions are solely that of a friend as opposed to a suitor. It's a bit of a tightrope to walk and sometimes feels not altogether worth it.
BTW, sorry for threadjacking this.....

I thought this line of thinking may be stopping you from complete healing. I think its dangerous in the long term to use another, even an ex, as a temporary crutch until something better comes along. Its also a real red flag that she would be so receptive to you while in a relationship with another. Its also a big red flag that you allow it. Your both stopping each other from being healthy and happy. That's just how I see it.

Note- I took these comments from another thread and moved here so as to not hijack the other thread.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-360015-3.html

[BrentNumber1]

From another thread.

Actually I find this disturbing on many levels.

Hmmm. Could you explain? Her actions are disturbing, mine, or both and why?

The lines are pretty well set and I have no illusions that she is anything more than a friend. Is it the continued emotional investment we have in each other based on history that is disturbing?

I don't think I'm using her as a friend to get through a rough patch. I truly hope we can stay friends forever. My answer that I would end the friendship if it jeapordized a new relationship was just based on my belief that as much as I care for her as a friend, I can't ever entirely trust her and think she is looking out for my best interests. But I'm sure anyone could say that about anyone but your very closest friends and loved ones. Not all friendships are on the same level and while she is still a dear friend, I consider her demoted from former best-friend status based on past experience. Does this make any sense? I'm trying to make sense of it all myself...

[talaniman]

She initiates most of our communication and I am all too willing to oblige. Just seems odd for someone in a supposedly solid relationship to be talking to/hanging out with a guy that she was at one time intimate with isn't it? Or am I reading far too much into this?
I really am just happy to renew the close bond we used to have and don't really care about the fact that we're not romantically together. But I can't really be sure if this is just me deluding myself with the sliver of false hope that she will want to eventually come back and I will have "won" her affection. I can say that i definitely feel better with her as a part of my life than without her even if it's just in the role of friend. I don't exactly know what that means though and if it is somehow preventing me from moving on. I don't feel like it is, I just haven't found anyway else I consider relationship-worthy in the meantime and after a couple of failures am unwilling to settle just for the sake of being with someone.

The fact she is in a relationship, is disturbing. The fact that she is contacting you is doubly disturbing. The fact your going along with this without question, gee guy I just don't know if this is wise fro either of you.

Again, I don't really think I'm harboring any false hope but I need to stay on top of things to make sure my actions are solely that of a friend as opposed to a suitor. It's a bit of a tightrope to walk and sometimes feels not altogether worth it.

To float along without knowing what's up with her, is not to good an idea in my opinion. That would be my question to her when she first made contact, and I doubt I would continue down this path unless I got a good answer. Friend, ex, or not.

[BrentNumber1]

Ok, so we hung out a little bit tonight and went running and afterward she confided that she's planning on breaking up with her current boyfriend this weekend (he is away on business now and coming back then). So her sudden availability and wanting to hang out makes a little more sense in this context.

I guess I'm just so happy to have my friend back I haven't been asking myself the tough questions you've posed because I haven't felt the need. A relationship with her is really the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Does that make sense?