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applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 07:59 PM

Well the funny thing about this is he didn't actually cheat on me because he conceived this baby while we had our first break up (which lasted 3mths)... and... I was the only one that couldn't take who he had a child with. I recently talked to him about my feelings... he thinks I do anything he asks me because I feel sorry for him, but I actually do it so he can feel my love for him. How do I stop loving him when I almost gave my life to him. How do I stop feeling as if he is my soulmate... that is my real daily dilema

valinors_sorrow · Jul 1, 2006, 08:07 PM

I am not certain I can tell you how to stop the love. I can only tell you this. Every person I have ever loved, I still love. But some of them I don't spend time with... out of a sense that it simply won't work and someone always gets hurt. And I am just not about giving or getting hurt, not anymore. And that comes with time and discipline. It is work that we all do in our own distinctive way. And you will find your way too. Trust yourself that you will.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 08:08 PM

Well I have a doctor I work with that helps mental patients but he thinks I am just wanting for something that I can't/don't have anymore. He really didn't help because he sees how I am with others and he says all the time once I let my guard down the perfect man for me is going to sweep me off my feet and marry me with quickness just to hurry and get a good woman off the market. This did make me feel better but how can I be with anybody when I can't shake the love for this one??

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 08:14 PM

I want a healthy loving relationship. I just don't know how to love again... I guess... really it is that I put a lot of time and effort into this one man and got him all the way to the alter... now since I walked away I can't help but to feel like I missed my chance to be a wife, to be with the only man I chose to marry, and to be settled down not having to look anymore. Because of this feeling I can't have a healthy relationship because this is my guard that I can't seem to remove... and... I don't want to be messed up like this... and alone

valinors_sorrow · Jul 1, 2006, 08:17 PM

Originally Posted by applelonia

This did make me feel better but how can I be with anybody when I can't shake the love for this one??????

No need to shake anything, dear apple. It is possible to love more than one. And time will change some of the features of this love you are currently feeling too. It won't be such a yearning but more like a bittersweet tear or small hole in your heart. If I could pull out my heart and show you, it's beginning to look like a lace doiley... from unrequitted love, from relationships that couldn't work it out, from death or other forms of separation or loss. And none of that has stopped me from being vulnerable to others. I figure by the time I am ready to pop off this planet, it will be so lacey it will float away and me with it. LOL

You'll see how it changes over time too.

Meanwhile practice this handy thing: what you focus on tends to grow so deliberately focus on happy things. Try it... it works!

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 08:23 PM

I have read that book not too long ago but it didn't make me feel better it actually made me feel worse because I am doing all the things that point in one specific direction I am just not getting anywhere fast. I got that book a year or so ago to help with this very situation.

TxGreaseMonkey · Jul 1, 2006, 08:24 PM

A big part of life is adjusting to changes in relationships; i.e. people coming into our lives and leaving. It's not easy. The only person who will never leave you is Jesus.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 08:28 PM

I guess... I can give a little more detail to why I am soooo messed up... I am extremely picky (I'm sure everbody is). It took me over a year to even realize that I could have relationships with someone other than this guy that I was with for 4yrs. I had to move out the state to feel comfortable even dating (it is this dramatic for me) I met several potential guys to settle down with. Once I chose one that was perfect for me and I could finally give in... I got pregnant... 4wks after I told him... he died. I moved back... and this started... I can't seem to shake it

valinors_sorrow · Jul 1, 2006, 08:47 PM

You have many good solid suggestions here. And so you will either use them and get results or you won't. Rehashing the problem won't do much so perhaps its time to get into the solutions?

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 08:55 PM

I make a conscience effort to move on... I say to myself don't call him, erase his number, say no to his request, don't jump, please don't jump... he calls... I ignore it... he leaves a message... aahhh hearing his voice... he says my name in his message and I get all tingly... I listen... refuse to call him back no matter what (he never says why he called) He will call me several times in a row... like he needs me... only me... I answer... aaaahhhh his voice... oh how I love him I feel... and I immediately jump feet barely to the floor... This is what happens to me

talaniman · Jul 1, 2006, 08:58 PM

Love for your child will make you wise! Put all that you have on the child and you will be fulfilled. Move on and concentrate on the things you HAVE to do and don't let anything sidetract you.

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 09:09 PM

So if this is normal then what is the game plan. People say work more... I am at work... I'll be here for the next 3 days... take up a hobby... we shared the same hobbies so I think about him the entire time... hang out with friends... I do but that only lasts for a couple of hours. I need a long-term solution. I don't know how to get to that next step where it is not such a big thing. I don't want to be ruined for life and end up with nothing. I want to get over this somehow... I haven't been right since the day I decided not to get married. That is all I think about. I keep my faith that all things work according to God's will. It is just that I feel like this man is my soul-mate... this is hard for me to get past

talaniman · Jul 1, 2006, 09:25 PM

First young lady concentrate on YOU! Get your act together so you can bring something to the table to HELP a relationship along. Yes I've read All your posts and you seem like a caring ,smart human being so I know you won't fall for just anything. No matter how you feel don't let some dude just come in your life with NOTHING that helps the relationship! You deserve a whole lot better and YOU really don't need a male to define who you are ! DO what YOU want and let the rest of the world chase you. YOU don't have to settle for anything but what you WANT!! :cool: :)

applelonia · Jul 1, 2006, 10:06 PM

That is exactly my theme on a day to day bases... I promise... I look good on the outside but this situation is what plagues me on the inside. Nobody knows I have this struggle. I have people depending on me but I don't have anybody there to catch me when I fall. I thank you all for the positive advice. Once I have this one situation under control I think the working on me part will be complete (it never seems to completely be complete). I have taken time to gain; faith, healing, self-esteem, tolerance, peace of mind, respect, discipline for myself. I've been taking care of myself and my kids all by myself. This is just one main issue with myself I can't seem to accomplish.

talaniman · Jul 1, 2006, 10:39 PM

Don't give up NO matter how life knocks you down,NEVER give up on yourself!
NEVER!

momincali · Jul 1, 2006, 10:40 PM

Exactly what part of him is it that you are so in love with? Is it the part of him that slept with his cousin's baby's mama or is the manipulative side of him that plays you like a fiddle. Please don't tell yourself that you make a conscious effort to move on because if that were true, you'd be miles away from him either physically or geographically. You're 26. You have so much to discover but won't because you refuse to give up this person who is so wrong for you. You need to say those words out loud to yourself over and over. Say it, know it. "I am choosing to live my life looking in the rearview mirror and I refuse to go forward and find someone who is truly admirable, respectable, loveable, caring, mature, giving and trustworthy because ..." and don't end that sentence with "cause I love him.." cause that's not the reason. Give that one some thought.

applelonia · Jul 3, 2006, 01:49 AM

Currently... he has asked me to participate in several little projects with him. We used to be very close working side by side trying to make a business work. Now he says he is strruggling to start over from scratch in trying to accomplish this goal on his own. It is coming together. He has a lot of things going forward towards this. I am willing to lend my assistance without spending any money or neglecting any of my responsibilities. He is more like a hobby... I guess... but in the meanwhile... he's exactly what I originally fell in love with 6yrs ago, lived with for 4yrs,then excepted at one point to be with him for life... which makes it unbearable to function around him having to except that we are... nothing. I can't see myself with anybody else past, present, and/or future :confused:

valinors_sorrow · Jul 3, 2006, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by applelonia

He is more like a hobby...I guess.....

This reminds me of a saying I was told once about loving people and using things and not the other way around.
If it hurts to be around him and you choose to be around him, then its self inflicted... What more needs to be said?

Wildcat21 · Jul 3, 2006, 10:46 AM

Please - for the sake of a healthy mind - don't spend ANY time with this guy - work or other wise.

Skell · Jul 3, 2006, 03:55 PM

You are punishing yourself by continually seeing this person.
Maybe it is time to find a therpist (another one if you have already got one). They may be able to offer some more advice on putting this guy behind you where he belongs. You seem to be stagnating and not going anywhere.
However you aren't helping yourself in the slightest.
You really need to STOP seeing him in any context.