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kctiger · Nov 16, 2008, 04:33 PM

Quit looking at Facebook. Doing stuff like that creates more questions than anything. The ONLY way you can move on, if you truly want to, is to cut all contact with her for now. That means NO Facebook, NO pics, NO calls, NO email, NO nothing! You seem like you care more about not hurting her than you do about not letting yourself get hurt.

Romefalls19 · Nov 16, 2008, 04:55 PM

OMG! What part of Facebook and myspace do people not understand is the devil is break ups. A study showed that 63% of all couples break up because of something posted on the social networking sites.

Stop putting so much into those status updates because they mean NOTHING! All it does is fill you up and drop you down. Think about it, you see "depressed" or "confused" you get happy because you think she is rethinking things. You see "happy" or "excited" you get upset because she's moving on and has someone new.

Believe me, I've been there until my friend dared me to delete her and no longer look at her profile, and I did it while feeling so much better as each day went by

cowboy107 · Nov 18, 2008, 07:59 PM

UPDATE:

She came over today to get the rest of her stuff, while I was here... and I don't really know how to describe how it went...

It wasn't negative in our interaction with each other, but it really hurt me that she was here in our apartment, but we were not together. It definitely set me back in my mind set, knowing that this girl that I loved is talking like nothing ever happened.

We talked about what was to happen with the furniture (splitting it eventually, and other formal things that needed addressing. We made jokes, and talked as if everything was OK, but I couldn't handle it. She was very optimistic that we would be friends, and she was acting as if nothing has happened. The breakup, the relationship, anything. Other then a few "You know me's" she didn't seem phased by us seeing each other for the first time since the break up, and a week of NC.

Now, I don't know what to do, she wants to be friends still and I have to admit it was nice seeing her, no matter what the circumstance. I feel I should keep up the NC and not reach out to her. It just hurt too much to see her as a "friend" for the first time, not being able to hold her or kiss her, or just be comfortable around her.

Any thoughts?

wolfgangqpublic · Nov 18, 2008, 09:32 PM

Based on how you have handled things thus far, I am also confident that there is a good chance of the two of you remaining friends. HOWEVER - the friendship will not be especially close, at least for a good while. More importantly, you are not yet at a stage where you are able to be a friend to her, even a casual one. It is best for you to maintain no contact for the time being, and only address contact initiated by her if it pertains directly to the partition of belongings, etc. and preferably through low-impact methods.

You still need time to heal and get past the immediacy. Based on the length of your relationship, it could take up to six months or more. You can take solace in the fact that the intensity of feeling will not remain constant throughout that period. It will unquestionably lessen.

talaniman · Nov 18, 2008, 11:05 PM

Just keep in mind she has had a lot more time to deal with this break up, than you have. But you'll get there.

kctiger · Nov 19, 2008, 07:04 AM

The last thing I would worry about is a friendship with her, as the others tell you. Like Tal said, she has had a lot more time to prepare for the breakup than you have. That is why she seems more in control than you do. It sucks to see that, I know. Part of you wishes she would just break down and cry in front of you, or at least show some sort of human emotion of pain or heartache. Take as much time as you need to heal yourself. Too often have I seen people rush back into the friends thing only to find out REAL quick and REALLY hard that they weren't ready. I honestly (and I mean honestly) don't EVER see myself being friends with my ex, and we have known each other for a LONG time. It just isn't something that I worry about. Maybe it will happen, but I am more worried about myself than I am about 'our' friendship. Keep on chugging along. The good times, and bad times, will keep happening. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

jmw0713 · Nov 19, 2008, 09:40 AM

Yea man... I'm in the same boat you are. My ex keeps contacting me (twice this week alone). Every time I respond or pick up... but as soon as she asks me how I am doing or whatever... the feelings of sadness come back. I just talked to her this morning when she called on my work phone. I was able to talk to her for all of 2 minutes before it got really difficult. So I agree with wolfgang, I know I am not at the stage of even being casual friends and it sounds as if you are not either. Granted in my case she has been technically broke-up from me 3 months to the day, probably longer in her mind... but I have been broken-up from her for only 4 weeks. She definitely sounded further along in the process than I was... which sounds to be your case as well.

Just deal with it the best you can... and don't initiate contact. Stay busy so that when she does contact you, you have a reason not to pick up or answer back. This will allow to feel like your not ignoring her... which is my problem. We all are or have had to deal with this... it's not easy, nor will it get easier. The only thing to do is move forward and let things fall where they may. Don't get discouraged.

The only thing that will save us is time... and that's all we have to look forward to right now... the day that time completes it's job and heals us for the better.

cowboy107 · Nov 25, 2008, 09:54 PM

UPDATE

Last weekend was the grey cup and I had a bunch of guys over, and she insisted she needed my computer for her homework, so yeah whatever I obviously let her, it is her homework. But throughout the game she kept on taking little shots at me in front of my mates, and being a little flirtly too.

Then later she got drunk and called my and told me how she was going to have so many guys and all this bull. I just ignored her and hung up on her, but it is really starting to get to me. And I know that's exactly what she wants, but I can't help it, the thought of her doing that ing kills me. Its more anger then sadness now, that its just the fact that she's TRYING to piss me off, not the fact that she's gone.

I had NC for a week and a bit when this happened. Then a day later she came over out of the blue and started going on about how such a bad day she had and how her living arangements weren't going to work out. She kind of suggested moving back here but I don't know.

I still care for her and I want to be here for her when she needs it (such as a place to live) but when she turns around and takes shots or tries to make me jealous, I don't know what the hell to think.

This is starting to drain me, I've been keeping busy and doing my own thing but she always manages to weasel her way in and make me feel like sh*t, one way or another.

Thoughts??

BobbyVandeyar · Nov 25, 2008, 10:53 PM

Your letting her have more power over u. your like feeding into her more and more as you talk. I know its easier said then done man. But you got to stop communicating and just do u. For her to call and do that in my opinion is really playing around with your emotions. Drunk dialing is not the best apporach on any of you guys. She should know better in my opinion. Just a thought to let you know.

I hope everything works out for you man.

starbuck8 · Nov 26, 2008, 04:10 AM

Originally Posted by cowboy107

UPDATE

Last weekend was the grey cup and I had a bunch of guys over, and she insisted she needed my computer for her homework, so yeah whatever I obviously let her, it is her homework. But throughout the game she kept on taking little shots at me in front of my mates, and being a little flirtly too.

Then later she got drunk and called my and told me how she was going to have so many guys and all this bull. I just ignored her and hung up on her, but it is really starting to get to me. And i know thats exactly what she wants, but I can't help it, the thought of her doing that ing kills me. Its more anger then sadness now, that its just the fact that shes TRYING to piss me off, not the fact that shes gone.

I had NC for a week and a bit when this happened. Then a day later she came over out of the blue and started going on about how such a bad day she had and how her living arangements weren't going to work out. She kind of suggested moving back here but I don't know.

I still care for her and I want to be here for her when she needs it (such as a place to live) but when she turns around and takes shots or tries to make me jealous, I don't know what the hell to think.

This is starting to drain me, I've been keeping busy and doing my own thing but she always manages to weasel her way in and make me feel like sh*t, one way or another.

Thoughts?????

Thoughts? YES! You are causing your own pain! You and only you! She can't do what she's doing unless you let her! If you want to be a doormat, then expect her to wipe her feet on you. If you want to get out of this with any semblance of dignity, then pick up your doormat, and move on! She will not die without you, or you without her. It's either time to move on, or to be prepared for much more of this, until she leaves you in the dust again!

Romefalls19 · Nov 26, 2008, 05:05 AM

I agree with Starbucks, you are causing your own pain by still talking to her. Let us know when you decide to pick up your balls and stand up for yourself. We preach No Contact because IT WORKS! Not because we are bitter and don't want anyone happy

talaniman · Nov 26, 2008, 07:29 AM

Oh my gosh, leave this female alone, and have some peace for yourself.

roxypox · Nov 26, 2008, 08:38 AM

I also agree with that. You are really causing your own pain here. You need to cut her out of your life. For as long as you need. So that you can heal and get over her. To call you like she did is unacceptable behavior and you should not answer the phone if she calls you.

do not... DO NOT let her walk all over you like this. It will only slow your process down. I have an x boyfriend that I broke up with two months ago and he still wants me in his life, but as every week goes on... I realize more and more that we cannot be friends. He showed up on my doorstep on Sunday and that alone put me back a couple of weeks with him.

Like tal said: you should really create a space and some peace for yourself.

My phycologist said something really great during or last session... she said that she has a friend who believes in enegry-fields (or something like that) and when you have an unpleasant phone call or a person IN your home that you don't want in your home... it creates a negative space inside of you and inside of your home.

although I'm not really into this stuff and neither is my phsyc... it does make sense. B/c if I talk to old boyfriend on the phone and I let him bugg me then I'm essentaially creating a negative space in my home.

kctiger · Nov 26, 2008, 08:45 AM

It goes back to what I have said time and time again. Once we break up, or are broken up with, we are the ONLY people that can hurt us. Our ex's cannot hurt us, unless we let them. You have control over your own pain, so don't pawn it off as someone else's responsibility, or fault for that matter.

jmw0713 · Nov 26, 2008, 08:47 AM

The only way you will be able to move on is to stop letting her in your life. You need to cut yourself off completely, or else you will never be able to heal and realize that there are other women. NC is a must. It will be the only way that you can prevent her from walking all over you, and the only way to show her what happens when she takes someone for granted.

Never allow her back in your place again... this is poison to your ego and your emotions! Tell her she needs to find somewhere else to do her homework. Your not her BF anymore, so why treat her like she is your GF. Let her fend for herself!