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cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 02:38 PM

First off you guys helped me prepare for the inevitable and I thank you. My girlfriend of 3 years, and a woman I deeply love has left me. She did give me the whole "I don't want you out of my life, this isnt the end" and she did hint that there was a chance that we could get together then she said "i want to be friends".
So my question is, if I can get her back, do I stand a better chance using the NC rule, or going out and trying the whole friend thing (which would suck!).
And one more thing, what will she think when I take all her pictures down and pack them away for her? Will she feel that I have forgotten her?

moomeacow · Nov 15, 2008, 02:55 PM

If she broke up it was for a reason don't put a hold on your life just because it "might " happen, if your grieving the no contact will help you more. If you really want to be friends tell her to give you some time.

starbuck8 · Nov 15, 2008, 03:02 PM

Hi Cowboy! As hard as it is, NC is your best way to go. If you stay friends, she still has you in her life, and it doesn't give her a chance to miss you. NC just may have her wondering what you are doing, and give her some time to really think.

I would just tell her this is her decision, and you are going to need to accept it, and move on. Tell her that you will miss her, but being just friends after such a long relationship, serves no purpose, and will only cause you further hurt.

This will probably confuse her, and throw her for a loop if you are gracious about it. She might just sit down and think about the relationship she is throwing away.

As for the pictures, you can tell her that although you'll never forget the time you spent together, or the memories that you will always have, you can't have reminders hanging around on a daily basis. It causes more hurt, and also stops you from getting on with life. She may just rethink her decision. If not, I'm afraid you have your answer.

cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 03:33 PM

Should I tell I would like No Contact but, if she feels we can start to talk to even see each other again I'm only a phonecall away or something like that. Or should I just tell her that if she wants me to be her friend, that she is going to have to wait until I contact her. And when should I initiate this contact if she doesn't.
This is driving me insane. She put a little hope into my head that things COULD work out, now I can't stop thinking about how I can win her back.

kctiger · Nov 15, 2008, 03:35 PM

They do that so they don't feel guilty for hurting you. Hope is the devil in this type of situation. My advice, just tell her you can't be friends right now and leave it at that. Don't call her, and don't answer her calls. You have to really believe this is over, otherwise, before you know it, a year of your life passes you buy and you are still stuck on hope...

starbuck8 · Nov 15, 2008, 03:41 PM

She ended it, not you. If she wants you back, she will figure out how to go about that. You shouldn't be thinking of reasons on how to get her back, that is her job, as she initiated this. If it's meant to be, she will find a way. In the meantime, listen to what kc had to say, and don't hold onto hope. That will just kill you!

cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 03:46 PM

Ok thank you, as usual you put things in perspective for me. It is over, and I have to move on, I might be floating back here for the next couple weeks. Again thanks for the support

starbuck8 · Nov 15, 2008, 03:59 PM

No problem. Come back as often as you need to! There are so many people here that are in the same boat as you! I went through it too. The circumstances were different, but in the end, it's the same. ;) There is a lot of support here.

Romefalls19 · Nov 15, 2008, 04:10 PM

NC is the ONLY way to go, not to get her back but to regain your heart back to the stability in which you need it to be to go through your day to day agenda without breaking down because she isn't by your side.

talaniman · Nov 15, 2008, 04:46 PM

NC won't get her back, but it will save your dignity, and self respect, a lot of misery and pain, and keep you from acting like a love sick idiot who hangs around waiting for crumbs because, she fill your head with FALSE HOPE of getting her back as a g/f.

cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 05:50 PM

Ok, next question (sorry).
After enough time of NC, after I'm healed and can handle being "just friends" am I able to break it to reach out for the friendship that I was offered? And on the same note is there a minimum time as well, like if I think I can handle talking to her in a month or two, can I give it a shot, or should I wait longer, even after I think that I've healed

kctiger · Nov 15, 2008, 05:54 PM

You don't need to be friends with her, period. She is an ex, not a friend. It is extremely hard to be friends with someone you have had a relationship with. When you do get over it and are 'healed' you most likely won't really even be thinking of her. Just think, a few months down the road, you think you are healed, you two have a nice friendly lunch, then bam! You go home feeling like maybe there was something there, and you are back on here asking what happened restarting your healing all over again. No good. You owe her nothing, including a friendship.

cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 06:07 PM

So in the same sense, should I not care how quick it takes me to move on, and not care if she notices? I don't want to put jealousy in her right away, but what happens if in the near future I meat someone, or hook up, should I hide it, to protect my ex?

kctiger · Nov 15, 2008, 06:09 PM

You don't need to worry about protecting her. What you do is YOUR business, and not hers. If you are in another relationship and still worry about your ex's feelings then guess what, you still are not over it. Don't worry about anything but you. And also don't worry about how much time it takes. Everyone is different... all that matters is that you heal.

starbuck8 · Nov 15, 2008, 06:18 PM

Originally Posted by cowboy107

So in the same sense, should I not care how quick it takes me to move on, and not care if she notices? I don't want to put jealousy in her right away, but what happens if in the near future I meat someone, or hook up, should I hide it, to protect my ex?

As said above. There is no need to protect her. I'm a little worried that you said you don't want to put jealousy in her "right away". Don't do it at all if that is your intention bud. It's game playing, and it won't work... not in the long run anyway. Also, when you do start dating again, keep the new girl separate from these things. You don't want to hurt someone else like you've been hurt. Make sure your intentions are honourable and trustworthy. You don't need rebound girl.

cowboy107 · Nov 15, 2008, 06:25 PM

No I didn't mean that at all, and I completely agree, playing games are pointless and will just hinder my healing process. This has been one helluva emotional roller coaster...
I'm heading out tonight with the mates, leaving the phone at home :) Hopefully take my mind off her. Thanks again for everything, I'm sure more of my questions will make their way here eventually.

starbuck8 · Nov 15, 2008, 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by cowboy107

No I didn't mean that at all, and I completely agree, playing games are pointless and will just hinder my healing process. This has been one helluva emotional roller coaster...
I'm heading out tonight with the mates, leaving the phone at home :) Hopefully take my mind off her. Thanks again for everything, I'm sure more of my questions will make their way here eventually.

I know it's a rollercoaster! Get out and try and have yourself a great time! Good luck to you! :D

cowboy107 · Nov 16, 2008, 11:49 AM

Ok, just got weird.
So I was out last night with the mates (having a great time thanks haha), and my ex of maybe 12 hours, starts texting my buddy asking what I'm doing, am I with anyone, that sort of thing. So now after all this, convincing myself that its OVER, she asking about me! Is this just another trickle of false hope, or could it be a good sign?

On a side note, I told her about me wanting no contact for a while, and that I needed time and she looked really hurt, almost angry. Even more so when I gave her all our pictures. I know she broke my heart but was it wrong to hurt her like that?

starbuck8 · Nov 16, 2008, 03:06 PM

I think what happened, was that she was maybe expecting you to come crawling on your hands and knees begging for her to come back. When she saw that you actually listened to what she said, about needing time and just wanting to be friends, she started to get nervous, because your reaction was just to do exactly what she asked, with the exeption of being just friends. Things didn't go as she planned, and now she is panicking.

This doesn't necessarily mean that this is a good sign, because when you told her that you needed time, and no contact, she seemed hurt and almost angry. It seems to me that she wanted to have that control, and now you've taken that away from her. She's wanting to know who you are with, and what you are doing. This doesn't sound like someone who wants to remain friends, possibly with benefits, it sounds like a foiled plan, and she may now be regretting her decision.

The best thing to do right now is to keep up the NC, don't get any hopes up, and do what you're doing. You have been broken up for a VERY short period, so it's only natural for both of you to be feeling the way you are, and wondering what the other is doing. That doesn't mean she has changed her mind, only that you didn't react the way she might have thought you would. Give it time, and see what happens, but don't get your hopes up.

cowboy107 · Nov 16, 2008, 04:30 PM

She seems annoyed now... her Facebook status was listed as "A Little bit annoyed with life", What's going on here? It's like she's angry I'm trying to move on right away. It's like she hasn't come to terms with her own decision when I already have, that ITS OVER. It doesn't make any sense!
Should I take my time in moving on, I don't want to make her feel like I've forgotten about her already. I care for her, I always will. And her mother called me yesterday to say that Amanda (my ex) still cares and loves me. I don't want to ruin that, but I need to move on the best way I can. I can't afford to worry about how she feels about that, but at the same time I don't want to push her away. She says she wants me in her life, okay, but I need time to heal. And now that I'm doing things for myself, it seems that she hates it. I don't know what to do! Is it too early to begin to move on because I've had enough pain for these past few days to last me a lifetime...
Thoughts?