[talaniman]

Time to get him out of your life.

[linnealand]

thanks, guys for your input! I actually am a flight attendant! Sure, I could find someone....that really wasn't the route I wanted to take, but considering my life has been sexless for sooooo long, I guess I can't go too much longer....no matter how hard I try to be nice to him and engage him to try to talk or do things with me, he just blows me off.....end of story....it's sad

I would say the love ended when he ignored me for the past six mths....the indifference became worse and worse on his end...I tried everything.....

now I have pretty much thrown in the towel...he just wants me to be gone as much as possible...when I am home he asks when I am going out---he would rather be home alone....

I hope my self esteem isn't too damaged to find someone else...I feel very bad about myself...

I am glad you said you're a flight attendant. At least we have a point on the physical side from which to tell you that it's unlikely that it's an attraction issue. As a general rule, airlines don't hire unattractive people, do they? If I understand it correctly, I think there are fairly strict weight limits too. Of course, I could have told you that I didn't think it was an attraction issue many posts ago, like many others did, because 20 pounds over a period of years, including a child, is not anything that would instantly turn someone unattractive. Period. It's really, really not about your physical appearance. Like fr_chuck said, someone who really loves you will stick with you even if you lose all of your teeth.

I think it's perfectly normal that you're feeling down. It's a common effect of feeling regularly rejected, a failing relationship, placing inappropriate kinds of blame on yourself, and feeling half trapped in a stale situation. Well, the truth is that you're not trapped. Your husband is probably feeling more trapped if he's feeling depressed, he doesn't have a job to support himself financially or to keep his self-esteem going, and he's not in regular contact with healthy adults.

Now that you're beginning to see things differently, you can take the love you still have for him and do both of you a favor. It sounds like it's time to end it. He'll have to start walking on his own, and you can start to get your real life back. I think you'll be amazed at how much energy you have once you start putting things together on your own.

Getting a nanny sounds like a great solution, as could be joint custody, especially if your husband remains able to take care of him. I had Scandinavian nannies/au pairs throughout my entire childhood, and I was very lucky to have such great girls in my life. You might find that if you're not paying all of your husband's expenses, you will have a decent amount of extra money at the end of each day.

Hang in there, and don't be so hard on yourself.

[kp2171]

Sorry that he isn't better to you.

I could, and usually do, go on and on...

Why?

You deserve more. He wants less. Pretty clear cut, even if it's a painful cut.

[babygurl1988]

my husband said when we where just dating that if I ever became an overseas flight attendant (which I was contemplating at the time) he would break up with me because he can't stand long distance relationships...so obviously I didn't.

I think that's stupid. I would have taken the job with or without the threat. If he loved you he would have understood it was for your own good. He could have moved with you. And if he did leave you it would have meant he didn't love you as much as you thought he did. A job's more important than a relationship. It's like when one of my ex's gave me the choice of moving out of my apartment and move back in with my parents and if I didn't he would have left me. I told him I wasn't moving out of my apartment and in with my parents. There's more to the story but I ended up staying in with my roomie and he left me. That's how I know he never loved me like he said he did.

But anyway... I think she should leave the guy if she's not getting what she wants. A relationship sucks without sex.

[xoxaprilwine]

Hehe... I know babygurl maybe he was scared of losing me overseas :)... if I went back home who is to say I would come back here in Canada? I have family out in Europe too and he knew that. There was a lot in my life that I could have done but I made sacrifices, he supported me and put me through college for something else and we dated for 6 years and now married for 4 BUT not everyone finds their husband at fresh 16 either :).

My hunch was correct about your career being a flight attendant... you are going through the same things my hubby's parents did. It sounds like you both hit a brick wall and there is no climbing it. You say that he wants you gone as much as possible and you through in the towel. So to be clear you have talked it over with him and he has made it clear that its over and he does not want to put any effort into the relationship? If it is over for you maybe you shouldn't just through in the towel but the laundry basket too... get a live-in-nanny on employment contract... because your giving them room-and-board they tend to be better priced and more stable.

[kp2171]

my wife doesn't travel all the time... not daily, even weekly... but she does travel a decent amount, often out of the states.

she is gorgeous, naughty, works in a male dominated field. Last years trip to europe? Out of 30 people attending a conference she was the only woman there who wasn't taking phone messages or getting coffee. Men in other countries don't know what to do with her, as a strong, pretty woman who will put your back to the wall. Think someone's shoe proverbially pressing down on your throat hurts? Hurts even more when it's a stiletto apparently.

*inside joke* when she's hit an international roadblock because some dumbarse guy an ocean away just can't seem to take her demands serously because she's a "she", the common line when she comes home is "the day sucked. tried to get work done but my damn vagina got in the way"... you probably have to be there... idiots. *

my point is I KNOW when she travels she is going to get attention. She is going to get propositioned. Drinks bought for her. Keys to rooms offered to her.

I'm a jealous man. I've been angry enough at times that my body physically ached for the lack of beating the guy who just came onto her into pulp.

at the same time... I love that she's a flirt. That she loves attention. And that she is probably stronger than me. She's true. Honest. Grounded. Faithful.

my trust is her is just far enough reaching that it completely negates my jealousy.

now... no applause from the gallery for my "enlightened" position. It isn't about me. Its about her. She deserves all the trust I have. Whether she's in town or a 12 hour plane flight away.

so... the problem is mostly with him, some with the relationship. He is obviously insecure and untrusting enough that it doesn't matter how true you are... his needs aren't being met. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy... it just means it's a bad fit.

you knew what he said about your career and you chose career. That doesn't mean you were wrong... just maybe wrong for him.

I'm not one to easily say "shake off any man who is trouble or work"... probably because I'm a man, for one... =)... and also I think marriage takes work, sometimes ugly work that isn't fun or pretty. Having been through a about of depression myself, having this affect my relationship with my spouse, I'm grateful that she was willing to work through my noise. She isn't a saint. She has holes in her armor. But she hung in there while I found a way to pull my head out of a dark place.

but you say he won't go to counseling... he's chosen the "easier" path of ignoring any issues... and that means he's put it all on you. You get to stay in a relationship without real intimacy, connection, trust and you get childcare (and the child gets the immediate love and attention of the father)... or you step back, pull away (putting distance between your child and the father and making logistics more complicated)...

sorry you are in this place. You know this isn't sustainable and that you are going to need to work on a plan to get out.

the sad thing is this... a man who has often failed to be the man he needs to be to maintain a marriage often becomes the man he needed to be after he loses it, much to the frustration of the woman who left him. If you leave him, I hope that he is that man... who steps up for his kids sake.

again... sorry you are in this place. As long as he isn't willing to talk about it, deal with it, or seek help... you get the "prize" of doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

most of us can do that for only so long... then at some point, you must kick the weight off your back.

[Ferghus]

Agree. Well said.

[neverme]

Dear in a true relationship, the man will love you and think ou are sexy if you have false teeth
(no teeth) gain 100 lbs and perhaps get disabled in a wreck.
That is love.

If the relationship was just sex based that gets old after time as couples get into a rut.

since he moved to another room, I would say he has the or a problem.

I agree with fr chuck in a relationship love covers all the physical cracks and you see the beauty they are, that's it.. if he's moved to another room, is it already over and no one wants to say it?
If yer staying together for your child.. DONT.. neither you, your child or your partner will benefit from this.

[smoothy]

Has there been communication issues. Something he had been repeatedly trying to expres that you might have ignored or recognised but brushed off? THere is usually a root cause for this, somethimes it iis communication or lack thereof. Maybe he feels you ignored something important to him? Hard to be sure but it's a possible cause.

[xoxaprilwine]

I agree with smoothy too. Are you sure something wasn't missed? That you guys can't work on this before you do end it for good?

[teratron]

Maybe he is feeling jealous and threatened that you have a career, money and a home? Maybe this is his way of punishing you somehow?