[Depressed in MO]

Hello. Just thought I would send an update... I left him. I can't believe I did it but I did. I just can't trust him anymore. And after all of the bad things he did to me... So why do I feel so horrible? I feel like I am dying inside and I am so sad all I want to do is cry. He doesn't want me back (not that I offered). He said that maybe we needed a break anyway. Why does my heart hurt so bad? What can I do to get over this without paying $5000000000000 in therpay or medical costs. I don't want to have to rely on a pill or some stranger to talk to-to heal my broken heart. Please give me some suggestions, please.

[J_9]

I am so happy for you!! I know it is so hard to take that big leap, but for the sake of you and your children, you had to.

I understand you feel like you are dying and you are so sad, that is natural. Things WILL get better, believe me, they will. Just keep yourself busy, take the girls to the park or Chuck E Cheese. This is the best thing you could have done for them. They watched his actions and would grow up thinking that this kind of life (mistreating and criminal actions) are normal. They could have grown up to be just like him! Scary thought isn't it.

Now, just take life as it comes. This is a form of grieving and it all has to run its course.

Time heals all wounds, I believe this because I have been there and I am happy and healthy now.

Just keep busy and spend good quality time with the kids, they are going through this too.

[Wildcat21]

I am truly happy for you. Glad you did it! Your life will get better.

Here is WHY you feel that way - it's because of the unknown... you don't know what is going to happen.

I do know your life will get better.

Just remember all lies this guy has tolld you, the cheating, his crimes, his trouble, abuse etc.

[Depressed in MO]

I am truly happy for you. Glad you did it! Your life will get better.

Here is WHY you feel that way - it's because of the unkown....you don't know what is going to happen.

I do know your life will get better.

Just remember all lies this guy has tolld you, the cheating, his crimes, his trouble, abuse etc.

What can I do to not feel this way? I don't want to feel this way. And no I'm not going to go back to him-he wouldn't take me back even if I tried-which I wouldn't. But I am so sad I need some help. One minute I'm sad one minute I'm OK, then I keep switching back and forth between both e motions literally from one minute to the other.

I called my ex boss who use to shove church down my throat all the time. I thought maybe I would try going and taking the kids to help me take a new direction in my life and theirs. I'm so depressed that all I want to do is sleep. He says he wants to stop his criminal activity because he does not want to go to jail. He does work now, (still doing some crim activity on the side-until it runs out he says)-I'm afraid that his life is going to end up really good, and really, I don't want anything bad to happen for him, but I'm afraid he's going to share that goodness with someone else and all along it could have been me. But he did cheat on me, I found out he had been cheating on me this whole time for the past five months, he's taken this girl around his family, he has taken our son around this girl. Still I stayed with him in hopes that he was truly telling me the truth about wanting to stay together, but it only lasted for two weeks. I just can't trust him no matter what he does. Regardless of what he has been doing those past two weeks, I can't let go what he has already done. But I love him so much. Well anyway, I ended up leaving him yesterday... Sorry for the novel.

[Wildcat21]

I still don't understand why you would ever want anything to do with him? All he has done is cause a lot of heartache a sorrow - he still does.

More lies from - more lies to make you feel bad. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Don't you understand he is STILL trying control you, abuse you, keep YOU down. This guy is as bad as they get.

He's full of crap if says he is changing now. He needs you more than you need him - believe me.


All he has done is lie a cheat on you and your worried about his life??

[Wildcat21]

Why on earth do you have feelings for a guy who doen all this??

Women are attracted to guys who cheat on them... it's so strange - we've documented this pretty well here.

[J_9]

When a man says he is "changing" it is because he knows that most of us women are "soft" and will believe that. It is a ploy to keep you under his control.

I may be wrong, but this man sounds very much like a control freak. If that is the case he will ruin not only you, but your children. Is that how you want your children to grow up? Do you want them to think that NORMAL means it is okay to lie, cheat, steal and go to PRISON! I should hope not.

I understand your fear of the unknown right now, just understand that it will get better.

I understand your fear of him having a better life. Well, he most likely will not have it legitimately.

You, on the other hand, have already begun to have a better life and you are doing it playing by the rules.

YOU CAN ONLY GO UP FROM HERE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just take it day by day, it will get better. I promise and I am sure everyone else will tell you the same thing.

Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[kp2171]

Welcome back. Its good to hear from you.

Glad to know you are taking the steps to make your life better. I know its going to be a long time of fretting and worrying, but even if you are strapped with this loan, the time will go by day by day and you will get out from under this. You need to believe that you can change your life one day at a time.

And as for people here upset with you... well, many of us here will not pull any punches when it comes to advice (you KNOW how blunt I can be), but your opinion and your input are respected and wanted here. Itd be a boring place if everyone had the same opinions. I, among others I'm sure, am very glad to see you are back.

[Depressed in MO]

Why on earth do you have feelings for a guy who doen all this???

Women are attracted to gusy who cheat on them....it's so strange - we've documented this pretty well here.

Please do not misunderstand me. Of course I love him, he is the father of my children, and he hasn't said he wants to change because he wants me back, he is changing because he doesn't want to go to jail.
Why else do I love him-well we have a lot of history together. Not all good, but besides that point-no more I love you's, no more good morning's (not that were many of that) no more kisses, no more hugs. I could move on to someone else eventually, but the sex-sorry not to be gross on you, I can't imagine letting someone else have me like I have let him.

All I am asking here from anybody, are some tricks to make myself feel better about this, because what is done is done and there is no going back. I don't want to feel this way anymore, that is all I'm saying.

[31pumpkin]

Don't be Depressed in MO -

I'm going to suggest something for the now & near future for you. Yes, I do think you should, when things get settled down, see a psychologist to talk about your feelings & life changes.

But for now, I think you should try to think about all those BAD times you suffered because of his actions. It's one thing to have hope for a relationship(even with kids involved) if the person your hoping for needs rehabilitation from some addictive habit, or similar problem.

But when he has cheated on you & has been abusive - I think you should TRY to realize that - You need someone else in your future who will never have these traits. That's somewhere down the road. For now, know that a man who cheats on you has broken an important trust between you. A man either has it in him or he doesn't. He does & spare yourself anymore times. The abuse shows he has no respect. For you & maybe for a lot of other things.

You need to hang tough(I know it's hard with the kids) but you are responsible also. So be responsible to them & yourself & start keeping in your mind your real feelings. How he hurt you many times. How disappointed you are to end like this. How angry at him (I know that I would be) and disgusted at him. Forget about your "broken heart" (it'll come together again if you try).

Use your head now & make some kind of plan that gets him out of your life!

You have your youth on your side. I know even for myself any bold moves at my age (54) would be more difficult. But when I was your age I was stronger physically and mentally very willing. So don't say it's too much (this change) B/C u can do it. Just say God & go!

I think there are people pulling for you here!

[Wildcat21]

Well... the best one I know is exercise... always exercise.

Also WRITE - start a journal of everything going on... write down the good and bad qualities of this guy - I have a feeling the BAD will way out weight he good.

Be with friends and family as much as possible.

WORK HARDER at work - so important now.

Religion is really great idea - talk with the pastor as soon as you can.

Start a new hobby!! Now!!

Hug your kids as much as possible!!

When ready - start to date... not seriously though. I recommend on-line dating... there are a ton of men who LOVE you for who you are - kids and all!! I think Yahoo personals has the most down to earth people - maybe others have a suggestions.

Meeting new men will put this guy on the back burner. You can get baby sister for a few hours to start initially.

[talaniman]

Hi dmo, I feel you! Your going through a tough time and its NORMAL to feel as you do. Its also NORMAL not to want to feel that way too! So All I can suggest is you join the rest of us in dealing with those feelings until they fade away or just don't hurt as much. I find that doing the things I enjoy eases the pain for a while, and thee challenge of work and kids plus being around positive people or volunteering for those that have more problems than you (Or me) Don't just sit alone Playing with your own feelings get out and see what this big ole world has to offer! Sorry there are no tricks to feeling better other than living life!:cool: :)

[Depressed in MO]

Well...the best one I know is exercise.......always exercise.

Also WRITE - start a journal of everything going on....write down the good and bad qualities of this guy - I have a feeling the BAD will way out weight he good.

Be with friends and family as much as possible.

WORK HARDER at work - so important now.

Religion is really great idea - talk with the pastor as soon as you can.

Start a new hobby!!! Now!!!!

Hug your kids as much as possible!!!!

When ready - start to date....not seriously though. I recommend on-line dating....there are a ton of men who LOVE you for who you are - kids and all!!! I think Yahoo personals has the most down to earth people - maybe others have a suggestions.

Meeting new men will put this guy on the back burner. You can get baby sister for a few hours to start initially.

"You can get baby sister for a few hours to start initially"-Ok I'm not thinking straight today-not sure what that line means.
My plans are to save up as much money as I can-spend time that has been lacking with my children for years, pay off the small debts that I owe, and hopefully move into a HOUSE sometime by early/mid next year. Somewhere in between all that I need to get a new car that is dependable.
He said he might let me keep the SUV, but that will really hold me back if I want to get ahead because I will have to make payments on it, plus insurance. I feel like a loser because I am back at my parents house. I'm 25 years old with three kids... that's also hard to accept

[Wildcat21]

There is no reason to feel that way. Being with your parents should be an enjoyable thing. They're helping you out - you should feel grateful for this. It's a stepping stone for you. Moving forward. It's not forever.

I meant the baby sitter thing when your ready to date - I do suggest it soon. Maybe your parents can watch the kids?

[Depressed in MO]

There is no reason to feel that way. Being with your parents should be an enjoyable thing. They're helping you out - you should feel grateful for this. It's a stepping stone for you. Moving forward. It's not forever.

I ment the baby sitter thing when your ready to date - I do suggest it soon. Maybe your parents can watch the kids?

That's kind of what I thought you meant. Yes, my parents would help me out to watch the kids. I am very grateful for their support.
As far as dating goes-most of the guys who ask me out are pigs, and I am not being prejudice either-they really are pigs.
I went on a date last Saturday with this guy who I've been talking to for about 3 months now-just talking-never hung out with him before-met him briefly one time, that's how I even know who the guy is.
Well anyway, he turned out to be this cell phone junky who paid absolutely no attention to me the whole time we were there, and then when I finally had enough and told him I was leaving, he was like " I thought you were going to stay the night"-First of all, we never spoke of that and secondly, this guy had to be out of his mind. Of course there's a lot of "filling" to that story, but that is the basic.
I'm telling you I can't get a break from these A-holes.

[valinors_sorrow]

I'm telling you I can't get a break from these A-holes.

Keep telling yourself that and that's likely to be what happens. Self fulfilling prophecy is more potent than we give it credit. It's because we all like to be right, sometimes even if its at the cost of solving our problems. And what we are doing to create this objectionable outcome can be very very subtle.

You might start by telling yourself "so far all I seem to pick are A-holes", since that is really more how it is. Its not like they drop out of the sky! Stop picking anyone for a bit and sincerely ask yourself how you manage to pick 'em. You might begin to shed some light on what it is you are doing or not doing that helps that to happen. Change you and the whole world seems to change.

And the good news is changing oneself is not as hard as it seems. It is my hope that you can see how very worth it you are - just look at all the good support you've had here and with your family! Chant "that was then, this is now" often as a way to remind yourself there is a line and its going to be different from now on!

[Wildcat21]

You have to kis a lot of frogs.

Stay away from the pigs... run from the jerks on the cell phones - that's down right rude and would show things to come with that guy. If he wasn't paying attention to you then... then what would happen latter.

[Depressed in MO]

Keep telling yourself that and that's likely to be what happens. Self fulfilling prophecy is more potent than we give it credit. It's because we all like to be right, sometimes even if its at the cost of solving our problems. And what we are doing to create this objectionable outcome can be very very subtle.

You might start by telling yourself "so far all I seem to pick are A-holes", since that is really more how it is. Its not like they drop out of the sky! Stop picking anyone for a bit and sincerely ask yourself how you manage to pick 'em. You might begin to shed some light on what it is you are doing or not doing that helps that to happen. Change you and the whole world seems to change.

And the good news is changing oneself is not as hard as it seems. It is my hope that you can see how very worth it you are - just look at all the good support you've had here and with your family! Chant "that was then, this is now" often as a way to remind yourself there is a line and its going to be different from now on!

I am a genuinely nice person-that is what is wrong with me. I need to harden my heart up a bit. That's how it was when I met my now Ex and it turned him on. Then when I started getting "soft" on him, well, you know the rest of the story. But his controlling ways totally molded me that way and I became this needy, motherly person that never saw any wrong in his doings. I'm not going to change who I am, but I am going to get stronger. I like WildCat's idea of working out (I was doing that when I met my ex), I will continue to tan, I will continue to do anything good for me that makes me feel as though I've contained Self improvement. I know that if I stay confident, especially if I ever have to be around him (which I will because of the kids), it will drive him crazy and he will be sad as he has made me. At least that is my goal.

[Chery]

WOW, do you 'hear yourself talking"??

You say you left him - but you still L O V E him??

You say he cheats on you, but you can't imagine giving yourself to anyone as you have to him??

The way you are going about this, you'll wind up going back to him and letting him hurt you more. You are not mad at him enough to be repulsed by him - and you need to get really peeved off at him. Where is your self-respect??

You say you cannot afford a therapist - but you need someone to help guide you in the right direction in finding out why you are so vulnerable. If you cannot get to the root of your being, by yourself, then you do need some outside help. Have you tried a hotline in your area? Going to church and talking to someone you can trust there might help too.

Dear, you need professional help in getting rid of this emotional rollercoaster ride. No medication is going to help here either, so don't let anyone talk you into that crap.

Gosh, I really hope you find someone who can help you sort things out - even if it is a family member - now is the time to get as much help as you can get.

Good luck, we are here for you, but you need someone who will be there..

Take a good look at the child, adolescent, and adult within - get them to symchronize.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am a genuinely nice person... I know that if I stay confident, especially if I ever have to be around him (which I will because of the kids), it will drive him crazy and he will be sad as he has made me. At least that is my goal.

Just a few gentle observations...

Not exactly a worthy goal of a "nice person" --- "driving him crazy or making him sad" in what sounds like a spiteful payback. Where do you suppose the kids will be in that too?

Focus on you! :)