[NowWhat]

I don't know if I will tell you to leave her - that is your choice and only you can decide how much abuse you want to take.

You asked for a woman's interpretation - so here goes...

It sounds to me like she is using you for a roof over her head and some cash. She has out and out told you that " you are boring and blah". She wants her cake and eat it to.

If you are looking for a "forever" relationship - I don't think you have found it with this girl. She would rather be out with her friends at all hours and have you give her money than to get a job and work on this relationship.

My interpretation? She is using you for all that she can get.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is my opinion.

[omega_red_08]

It definitely doesn't sound like she is on the same as you are in terms of your relationship. 8 months is not a long time at all to be jumping to buying a house to live in together, that should come after a couple years. You are probably scaring her away, I would be scared if all that came to me after only 8 months. Talk to her, and take a step back. It sounds like that is what she wants, without telling you. Just communicate and see what pages you both are on.

Thanks for a different point of view. I can understand what you are saying but my GF is the one that has been pushing for marriage, kids and a house every since the first month. Even before we became a couple she always told me that I was the person she knew she wanted to be with the rest of her life. I guess some background info is needed here. We met at a bar while we both were seeing other people. We ended up leaving that night with each other. We did some wild stuff (drank a little, smoked some weed, stayed up late, played video games together) before we started being a couple. We never left the house or even went on dates. We were mainly home bodies. I would stay with her or she would stay with me. I moved in with her after she kicked her best friend out.

I thought she really wanted a commitment and that didn't scare me because we hit it off so great and she kept telling me she was ready. I think this is where I became boring and blah. I started trying to save every dime that wasn't necessary in order for us to have a future (house, kids, wedding) and I stopped drinking and smoking. After we became a couple she started telling me about her past. How her other boyfriends had mistreated her and gave her promise rings to show their commitment. She kept pushing for a ring to let her know I was serious.

I think I'm a fun person it's just when I set a goal I commit to it. When I lived alone, I saved up to get my own house or move to a larger city to get a better job. When I thought we were both on the same page, I started saving for us. She thinks that now I'm all about money and I think I have to be because she isn't. I have to worry about her, mine and our bills.

I have asked her several times if she is scared that something good is finally happening to her after all the abuse and losses she has suffered in the past but she reassures me that she is ready. I'm just scared that if we do start living together and down the road have troubles, it will end up being a legal issue and not a get your stuff and leave issue. Maybe I should ask that in another forum.

[brokegirl]

I've been dating someone for 8 months and I love her a lot. Since she quit her job, she has been on "vacation" and having fun. She has been hanging out with a new girl friend she met about 3 weeks ago. They go everywhere together. They go shopping, get tattoos, and go lay out at the beach.

Recently, she told me I was boring and blah and that she wanted time to go hang out with her "friends". I'm a little concerned because she has no money and she always said she would have to trust the person giving her a tattoo. When I asked her where she was getting the money she said her friend was getting it from her ex-husband. When I asked about the tattoo she said the guy did great work and she trusted him. Now comes the part I'm unsure about. The guy she dated before me was a tattoo artist and did all her work for free.

I was going to call her friend's ex-husband to ask if he was giving them money but I was thinking that would be inappropriate. I don't want to think she is cheating on me because she said she never would. She doesn't come home lots of nights and basically calls and says she's hanging out with friends getting drunk and stuff. She's 22 and I'm 29. I recently bought a house for us to move in and start our lives together but every since then she acts like she doesn't care.

What do you guys think she is telling me? If you need to know more I will answer all I can.

Dump her now! She is having her cake and eating it too! You don't deserve to be treated like that. Don't allow her too. If you do break it off, it will prob shock her and then she will want you back, but don't give in she is only being selfish as she is proving she already is.

[omega_red_08]

Oh yeah forgot to add that she has recently been talking to her ex and now refers to him as her friend. Also, she used my cell phone last night to text a friend and then ended up deleting all the messages on my phone; even the important ones I needed for work and from friends. She told me they were about her friend mistakenly texting her ex and they were talking it out. She is starting to act very shady.

[brokegirl]

You sound like a nice person. You need to forget her. It will be hard. But from a girls point of view I'm telling you she is just around because you are accomdadting her every need. She is using you! What you need to be asking is why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. You sound like you have your life in order. You will find the right person in time, but as long as your wasting your time dwelling on her it's only going to slow you down even more.

[NowWhat]

Oh yeah forgot to add that she has recently been talking to her ex and now refers to him as her friend. Also, she used my cell phone last night to text a friend and then ended up deleting all the messages on my phone; even the important ones I needed for work and from friends. She told me they were about her friend mistakenly texting her ex and they were talking it out. She is starting to act very shady.

You have got red flags all over the place. Don't ignore them.

I just get the feeling from reading what you have posted that this girl is up to no good. That she may not be the right one for you.

[ConfusedInAK]

From the rest of the story, it sounds like you have both changed...

[liz28]

This girl wants to keep you as her life boat while she goes out and explore. It very don't sound like you two are match for each other because you both want two complete different things. You want an commitment while she wants to explore. I understand this whole things started fast but sometimes things don't go as planned. It is better to end things now than later. Buying a house was not a good idea and don't let he move in because you will have many problems getting her out and she can sue you for a lot of things. I hope her name is not on the deed because if so you have more legal problems. This girl actions is speaking volumes and you need to play attention to them otherwise she will only leave you in heartache and out of money. Don't plan a future with her because if you do the future isn't that bright.

[brkfstatiffs]

Thanks for a different point of view. I can understand what you are saying but my GF is the one that has been pushing for marriage, kids and a house every since the first month. Even before we became a couple she always told me that I was the person she knew she wanted to be with the rest of her life. I guess some background info is needed here. We met at a bar while we both were seeing other people. We ended up leaving that night with each other. We did some wild stuff (drank a little, smoked some weed, stayed up late, played video games together) before we started being a couple. We never left the house or even went on dates. We were mainly home bodies. I would stay with her or she would stay with me. I moved in with her after she kicked her best friend out.

I thought she really wanted a commitment and that didn't scare me because we hit it off so great and she kept telling me she was ready. I think this is where I became boring and blah. I started trying to save every dime that wasn't necessary in order for us to have a future (house, kids, wedding) and I stopped drinking and smoking. After we became a couple she started telling me about her past. How her other boyfriends had mistreated her and gave her promise rings to show their commitment. She kept pushing for a ring to let her know I was serious.

I think I'm a fun person it's just when I set a goal I commit to it. When I lived alone, I saved up to get my own house or move to a larger city to get a better job. When I thought we were both on the same page, I started saving for us. She thinks that now I'm all about money and I think I have to be because she isn't. I have to worry about her, mine and our bills.

I have asked her several times if she is scared that something good is finally happening to her after all the abuse and losses she has suffered in the past but she reassures me that she is ready. I'm just scared that if we do start living together and down the road have troubles, it will end up being a legal issue and not a get your stuff and leave issue. Maybe I should ask that in another forum.

If that's the case, you guys can still be together and not live together. If you both don't feel ready for it, or you feel like you don't want to chance all that just yet - so what! It doesn't mean you can't be together, and not living together and jumping into things so soon, might actually make things better and stronger. Your girl may have felt like she was ready for the commitment and all right up front and was honest about it, but sometimes infatuation takes over. Were you her re-bound? Was it comfortable? Sometimes women's emotions get quickly involved with a man, and when we take a step back or have time to ourselves we see things in a different perspective or realize we may not want such a commitment up front. In this case it sounds like she wants to be with you, but to play it safe on both end, I wouldn't rush into anything like you guys are. You have your WHOLE LIVES ahead of you, if she really is the one. You both were involved with other people at the time, so maybe its fair to say that a little space is good - just to make sure it's what you want, since normally people have space and time to themselves before jumping into another relationship. It's healthy.

Don't jump into living together. Just take it day by day and go with the flow. That's what I would do. You sound too worried about it all. Especially after less then a year of being with her.

[AllisonKing]

I've been dating someone for 8 months and I love her a lot. Since she quit her job, she has been on "vacation" and having fun. She has been hanging out with a new girl friend she met about 3 weeks ago. They go everywhere together. They go shopping, get tattoos, and go lay out at the beach.

Recently, she told me I was boring and blah and that she wanted time to go hang out with her "friends". I'm a little concerned because she has no money and she always said she would have to trust the person giving her a tattoo. When I asked her where she was getting the money she said her friend was getting it from her ex-husband. When I asked about the tattoo she said the guy did great work and she trusted him. Now comes the part I'm unsure about. The guy she dated before me was a tattoo artist and did all her work for free.

I was going to call her friend's ex-husband to ask if he was giving them money but I was thinking that would be inappropriate. I don't want to think she is cheating on me because she said she never would. She doesn't come home lots of nights and basically calls and says she's hanging out with friends getting drunk and stuff. She's 22 and I'm 29. I recently bought a house for us to move in and start our lives together but every since then she acts like she doesn't care.

What do you guys think she is telling me? If you need to know more I will answer all I can.

Sounds like a mess, but it is really simple.
You need to sit her down and talk to her, not accuse and interrogate her but have a calm mature conversation where you tell her your concerns about the relationship and ask her what's up. Frankly, no one but her can help you figure this out because no one knows what she is thinking or how she is feeling. So all in all, have a serious talk with her but be nice and understanding.
I hope it all works out for you!

[omega_red_08]

have a calm mature conversation

Not possible. Anytime I voice any concerns or tell her how I honestly feel, she says that everyone around her always finds something wrong with what she is doing. She says that she will never be happy; that when she finds something that makes her happy people take it away from her. She used the example of me asking her to balance time with me and her friends a bit better. She said that I saw she was happy and I was taking that away from her.

On a side note, I went out last night with some friends and it seemed to piss her off a little. When I got home I started calling and text messaging them to see if they got home OK and she kept asking who I was talking too and why I wasn't paying her attention. I laughed a little inside.

[NowWhat]

You can't talk to her? She gets on the defensive all the time and deflects what is being said? She seems to have either something to hide and/or has low self esteem. If she can't be happy with herself first - she won't be happy with anyone. And I don't think she will have the capability of making anyone else happy.

[omega_red_08]

I can talk but she won't listen. She will get defensive or try to counter by saying something that she thinks is wrong with me She'll say stuff like I'm boring, a mama's boy or a home body and she doesn't like that about me. I never insult her like that.

She has very low self esteem. She thinks she is overweight because the Air Force told her she was. She has to have new clothes anytime she goes anywhere because the older ones are out of style or don't fit anymore. She doesn't know how to be happy.

[liz28]

She has many issues she must fix from the inside and this is something she must do and must want to fix. I can understand her getting hurt in the past by guys but everyone have. I been in some real messed up relationship but I don't think everyone is the same until they prove me wrong and I never carry any bagage from my old relationship to the new. Communication is a key to having a successful relationship but it seems like this is something she's not capable of doing right now.

[SweetDee]

She's not that into you...

The more you pull her close the more she resists.

She's taking you for granted.

She's seems to be young and not ready for what you might be ready for.

I hope you consider dating someone that has the same goals as you do.

This will only serve to make you feel insecure if you continue on w/ this girl...

I don't know if anything has changed between you and her since you originally posted, (and I haven't read any responses... don't have time today :(), but I honestly hope that you'll consider dating women that are in the same mental "space" that you are in... not ones that are still in "party mode"...

I wish you well...

[omega_red_08]

She seems to have gotten 2 jobs now: a job at a local bank (full time) and a retail store (part time). I'll bet money right now she will end up quitting one of those jobs within a month and it'll probably be the full time job she quits.

At first when we started our relationship, she always said I was insecure because she had a lot of guy friends and that made me feel uncomfortable. I trusted her, I just didn't trust these guys I didn't know. I have since then gotten over the fact that she has guy friends, it honestly doesn't bother me but it's just the fact that if I talk to one of my girl friends, she gets mad. I wouldn't consider myself insecure because I think I totally understand my/our situation right now.

Maybe I can write a book someday about my experiences with this girl because I think it would be a best seller.

[menoshoes]

I've been dating someone for 8 months and I love her a lot. Since she quit her job, she has been on "vacation" and having fun. She has been hanging out with a new girl friend she met about 3 weeks ago. They go everywhere together. They go shopping, get tattoos, and go lay out at the beach.

Recently, she told me I was boring and blah and that she wanted time to go hang out with her "friends". I'm a little concerned because she has no money and she always said she would have to trust the person giving her a tattoo. When I asked her where she was getting the money she said her friend was getting it from her ex-husband. When I asked about the tattoo she said the guy did great work and she trusted him. Now comes the part I'm unsure about. The guy she dated before me was a tattoo artist and did all her work for free.

I was going to call her friend's ex-husband to ask if he was giving them money but I was thinking that would be inappropriate. I don't want to think she is cheating on me because she said she never would. She doesn't come home lots of nights and basically calls and says she's hanging out with friends getting drunk and stuff. She's 22 and I'm 29. I recently bought a house for us to move in and start our lives together but every since then she acts like she doesn't care.

What do you guys think she is telling me? If you need to know more I will answer all I can.

I have a money issue with my b/f but I think that you need to look at her past job and what does she want out of life. That is a hard thing to look at but you need to in the long run. If she has not even started a job hunt then I think that is a problem esp if you are living together. She could be dependent on you at some point and I know money issues are touchey but I would just ask her are you going to get a job I will help you in every way that I can. But the new friends thing- that sounds like bad news. Do the girls have jobs and what are there jobs. But I would think it is time to get a new person to go with.

[omega_red_08]

I have a money issue with my b/f but i think that you need to look at her past job and what does she want out of life. That is a hard thing to look at but you need to in the long run. If she has not even started a job hunt then i think that is a problem esp if you are living together. She could be dependent on you at some point and i know money issues are touchey but i would just ask her are you going to get a job I will help you in every way that i can. But the new friends thing- that sounds like bad news. Do the girls have jobs and what are there jobs. But i would think it is time to get a new person to go with.

She actually does have 2 jobs now! I didn't find out until this weekend that they are both part time jobs. She doesn't have any benefits or insurance. She has been dependent on me for a few months now. I figured her bills not getting paid would motivate her and I hope it is what finally got her off her butt. This entire weekend she spent at home with me. I have a feeling it was because I was supposed to go to a reception( I told her I had to go but I didn't). Once she found that I made plans without her she dropped her plans to be with me.

As far as her new friends, to me they symbolize what she wants more than anything: FREEDOM. They are anywhere from 21-29 yrs old and they are still stuck in college party mode. This girl Ashley her new friend seems to be a chaotic person. She lives like a gypsy (honestly) but her soon to be ex-husband basically gives her money to spend so she is happy. I think this is what my girlfriend wants. I don't see why my girlfriend thinks what she does shows me she is independent. Just because she goes off by herself means nothing; in the end, she always comes home when she is in trouble.

I have totally stopped helping her. I did what I could to help her when she was unemployed but she wanted to just take a vacation and not worry about anything. Her tags went dead and somehow it was my fault. She hasn't stopped any utilities from our apartment and somehow that is my fault. She looks for a scapegoat and always find the negative and not the positive. She will never be happy.

[NowWhat]

So, if you KNOW what she wants is freedom - are you sticking around? Being that scapegoat?

Also, are you falling into the trap of playing games to get what you want? Like making plans without her and then not attending your function so she spends time with you?

[helpnow]

I think she sounds like a co-dependent girl that is acting like a typical 22 year old. I have a tough time believing that she is with you because you make her happy. Some people just would rather be in a semi-satisfying relationship than be alone. She can have the comfort of having and knowing you'll be there but still go out and party and do the typical things most 22 year olds do. What you need to ask yourself is why you are settling? Make a list of positives and negatives of the relationship as it is today... not what you are hoping it will be. There should be a handful of positives to every negative. I think you know deep down it won't work out but are just holding out hope... don't be afraid to let her go... when you close that door to something that isn't working another one will open.