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dontbefooled · Sep 4, 2008, 11:18 AM

Very directly:

First: You need to get tested for all STD's. Both of you should be tested, but whatever he does, you should continue to care for yourself-physically and mentally. You may want to do this outside of your health insurance loop also--the STD testing.

Keep working on youreslf in therapy, counseling, church, whatever works for you. Whatever the fate of the marriage, you need to recover from the harm caused to you and then, perhaps, be more able to make sensible decisions about your family/marriage.

Best wishes

smoothy · Sep 4, 2008, 12:58 PM

Gay? Probibly not... wierd? Most definitely. The blood in the underwear might just be hemoroids. You just didn't notice before.

Anal sex does automatically not equal blood in underwear or any place else.

17 years of marriage and never saw blood other than from a hemoroid or her period.

Ash123 · Sep 4, 2008, 03:27 PM

I wonder if the title of this post might better read: "Was my ex-husband gay?"

I admire your commitment but I don't know how you could recover from the realization he is not the man you thought he was. Staying will require a lot of therapy sessions and some major work on his part. Remember: this is NOT your fault. Do what you must to be content.

sunshine64 · Sep 4, 2008, 06:53 PM

Yes, he is gay or bi-sexual. Stop spending your time focusing on whether he is gay and spend some time focusing on what you want and what is best for you. I understand you invested 15yrs into this marriage but you don't know how long he has been living a lie. It is best toknow now and not 10, 15 yrs from now. Drown yourself and time into your career, hobby, friends etc. Volunteer at a hospital and spend some time helping others, it will help you to take the focus off your problems. You will probably come across someone struggling with a larger issue and then you will realize you can overcome this. You are a strong woman who gave her heart and life to someone. I am sure there is love there from him. It is not his fault if he needs to experiment or venture down another path and it is not your fault if you are not comfortable with it. Its OK to put yourself and your needs first. Its OK to demand your spouse behave in a way that you can respect. Just take the focus off him and what he's doing and start focusing on you and what you want. Pretty soon you will find it becomes easier and easier to deal with this and make a decision for YOUR life.

CHRISSYS-ANGEL · Sep 4, 2008, 07:08 PM

I agree that he is either gay or bi. NO straight man would even be able to go down on another man without getting sick. The blood in the underwear: although a lot of people on here would disagree with me but FIRST time anal intercourse will cause bleeding sometimes because the rectal tissue doesn't stretch and bounce back into shape like the vagina does, so its easier to tear and, therefore, bleed. I agree with everyone that says what's important is that he cheated though. Obviously, its taken him some time to figure out what makes him happy and if he is gay or not. I know it took me awhile to figure myself out, once I did I was divorced in a heartbeat to make myself happy. He has figured himself out so he is probably happy now so you should move on. Once he figures out he is gay, you won't be able to do anything for him, plus the trust is gone since he cheated on you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck!

smoothy · Sep 5, 2008, 05:07 AM

I'd think if there was a LOT of blood then there was an issue that needed immediate medical attention. First time Anal MIGHT if it was forced. But personal experience with a number of women over my life is that is not an automatic. Most stools are larger than a mans tool. Go slow and there isn't an issue.

Still that doesn't change the scat thing... thats one of few things that I find truly repulsive rahter than just distasteful.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2008, 06:31 AM

Maybe I am going to be a bit cold and heartless here... but I would say its time to pack your bags. Start a new.life. And get counseling for a year to recover and consider how and why you are willing to live with someone who it turns out had another life that could have killed you both. If the space brings clarity or realization you should live together again so be it, but he has major unresolved issues that he has confessed mercifully but are torture for you both to sort out under one roof I'd imagine. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing with it all.

mary219 · Sep 5, 2008, 06:40 AM

Wow everything your saying is true, I just don't know why he's begging me not to divorce him and swears he's in love with me, I told him he's in denial, the trust is gone.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2008, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by mary219

wow everything your saying is true, i just don't know why he's begging me not to divorce him and swears he's in love with me, i told him he's in denial, the trust is gone.

You don't know why he's begging you?

Umm, that is hardly a mystery. People cheat alllllllll the time... and want to come home to their safe haven and the one they have a built bond with allll the time. He can love you and want sex elsewhere... but that is not marriage. That is the titanic unfortunately.

It's more about whether YOU want a divorce. I know it's A LOT to take on at once though. WOW. Revelations. Divorce. I just want to put this in perspective. You are being strong, but are perhaps a little confused at this point... and no wonder!

mary219 · Sep 5, 2008, 03:39 PM

Thanks ash123 , your right again, it's so much to deal with and try to keep things normal for my son. I do love him but I'm not in love anymore and I can't stand to be around him much less look at him.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2008, 04:09 PM

Get a good attorney if you split.

It's worth it for later if you have any doubts about getting the life you want.

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 7, 2008, 04:45 PM

Make sure to keep us updated! Best of luck to you!

JuanaCry · Sep 7, 2008, 10:45 PM

Originally Posted by mary219

i've been married for 15yrs 2 months ago my husband confessed he cheated with people he met on the internet ,he said he let a married couple give him oral sex and he says he met with a gay guy twice the guy did oral on him and it gets worse he said he did a number2 on the guys chest, he also tries to tell me that these people didn't undress i know crazy but true i've been to the doctor and i'm clean my body that is my mind i'm lost i remember doing laundry in january long before his confession and there was blood in his underwear when i told him this he tried to say it was from eating spicy food, am i that stupid he swears to god he never gave or recieved anal sex i don't believe him is he gay what is he i feel as if i'm dying please help me.

Well I do know how you must feel, because I'm in your situation, just 8 years later. Yes, I've been married for 23 years, but we really haven't had a marriage and he has not touched me for the last 12 years. I think that a lot of men are gay, but can't accept that, and we who fall in love with them, are just bound to be betrayed. I stayed in my marriage for my kids, one of whom was a baby at the time. My mother died when I was young and my father married other women and had other families, so I felt that it was important and that I owed my kids a family. I don't know if this was the right or wrong thing to do. We did go to counseling--both together and separately. I will never get over this, and when I found out, a part of me died. I keep myself busy with my children's activities, work, volunteer work, and any other projects I can sink myself into. He is a good father and financially a good provider, so basically, I tell myself "Don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." But I don't know what can be more painful.