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the only thing that really bothers me now is imagining her with other guys, mostly sexual
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I guess your right, its just hard not to feel possessive, after all, I'm still in shock.
I just woke up actually, feeling depressed. I hope this does not become routine. I was feeling a little better last night. I actually found some things about her last night that involved unloyalty on her part, so maybe that was fueling my strength. To be honest, I don't feel positive things for her anymore, she lied to me a lot. |
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Time and time again - I read about 3 ingredients leading to a guy's demise:
1. too clingy 2. too nice 3. not enough of a life away from the girl. That said, I think nice guys do NOT finish last in the end... later in life, a woman will love them for them... as long as they have a life. Over time this will get better. Please look at my breakup help guide below... The bigger the pain. The bigger the lesson. The good news: next girl will be worth your time. And she will come! |
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I think maybe people are getting the wrong impression of the relationship, mainly, my approach to it. Although I centralized her a lot, I still had a life outside my own, although only academic, it was enough for me to hold onto a sense of identity and individuality. I am a nursing major and graduating in a few semesters, I always put school before her (even though it bothered her very much) and never put her before absolutely everything. Sure I distanced myself from some friends, and that I see as a mistake.
One thing is for sure Ash123, this is probably the biggest life lesson I've ever learned/needed. I get momentary bursts of strength now and again, but they are very short lived, maybe they will get longer and longer, until my strength remains with me throughout my days and actually become apart of me. I have not cried or moped today, I will be blitz calling all my friends in order to get out of the house! |
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Try not to overthink the whole relationship. You'll have plently of time to determine what went wrong and what you can do to improve. Also, you find out a lot about someone when you date them but you also find out a lot about them and yourself after a break up, it can either hurt or help.
My experience is never, never call or contact. Nothing wrong with expecting or hoping she'll call or message but never initiate contact. Going out is good, not a magical cure by any means but still, its all we got. Give it time and you'll be coaching someone similar to you here in no time. |
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She texted me today saying "hey i just wanted to see if you're doing okay"... iw as doing better until I got her text, the message itself seems harmless, but how does she expect me to be doing "okay" and she asked for space so why is she inquiring about me?
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This is actually a mild form of aggressive manipulation. She could be doing that intentionally or unintentionally. Doesn't really matter since the effect is the same on you.
So, why exactly do you press READ on text messages from her? Why exactly? For the joyousness it leaves you feeling? No? You are actually in control of how much damage this girl can do to you from a distance. Texts are deleted instead of opened. Emails are marked as "junk mail" and delete themselves without you ever knowing they had arrived. Voice messages... well, press 7-delete as soon as you hear the voice... do it! If there is ever going to be another endeavor between you two, it starts only when she finds and uses your doorstep. Even then, you're in control of whether you let the pain she causes continue. |
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Yeah I know, the fool in me opened the text, that was truly a mistake, but I'm sure I don't have to explain myself.
I spent the weekend at my aunts and hung out with all my cousins, I opened up mildly and just dropped the bomb about what happened. They were of course shocked. They also wondered why I wasn't acting distraught like my cousin who (weirdly enugh) is actually going through the same thing I am (his girlfriend of 3 years suddenly wanted "space"). It felt good that they identified a form of strength in me I didn't see myself. This, I believe, gave me enough courage and will to carry through the week until I visit them again next weekend. |
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Hey Shake,
Our stories seem pretty similar... My girlfriend of four years came to me with the whole she needs her space thing almost 4 weeks ago... She also said that I was the perfect guy and that she wanted me in the end but that her life right now couldn't sustain a relationship... (I have come to see this as a pretty lame thing to say) I did two weeks of no contact that actually did wonders for me before I made a huge mistake. I guess not talking to her really made her miss me and she expressed how she didn't know if she wanted us to end. The gist of the story is that she came over, acted like my girlfriend again, slept with me, and then told me the next day she still doesn't know what she wants. So I am actually feeling worse today than the first day of the break-up... Were going to get through this though, I have come to look at this as all part of the human experience. I am also 22, and I still think we have a lot of growing up to do, and this is just one of the lessons we will learn along the way. Just don't fall for her games, she is bound to do something that will mess with your mind, stay strong and stay focused on healing yourself. One day you're going to meet someone who with also think you're the perfect guy, only this one won't need a break. Keep on keeping on my friend, just take it one day at a time. |
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Ma man! I know its hard.. I just had something kind of similar happening to me as well. Mine was not 4 years, it was only 2 years. I grew so accustomed to having her in my life that I did not know what to do. My girl, started being distant, and stop replying to my text or answering the phone when I called. Her excuse was that she was too busy and just did not have time. Then, she ended up telling me that she did not have the time and effort to put in a relationship as of right now, that it was not the right time and that maybe at some other time. It's hard man, but not impossible. Its was on the 25 of April. Man was I confused!! I had so many exams and school project to complete. I felt like all my energy was sucked out of me, I didn't want to do anything, but I decided that I would just let her be. I know its hard when I get these thought that she would move on quickly and I really don't like the idea of her being with another man. As much as I didn't want to accept what happened, there was really nothing I could do. Lucky my I have people to talk to about it. My older brother had gone through with something similar and I witnessed the whole thing. He lived through it, so I figure I would to. I have been doing staff just to keep myself from thinking about her even though its really hard, because everywhere I go in town I have a memory with us. As I am battling to get myself back, I am also somehow realizing that maybe this would be for the better. This was my first really longterm relationship and I was I gave it a lot!! it was getting to the point where I was considering moving it to the next level, but I guess life has a funny way of playing things out. Why? I don't know but I am sure that down the road the answer will come. Trust me man it always come!! I have gone through some difficult situations and when I look back I really believe that they somehow prepared me for other things that I faced later in my life! So maybe this is something that is bound to happen so that you either can be prepare for what ahead or to teach you a lesson of some kind. As they say experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. Anyway, just try to stay busy and it does get better. I keep a journal( 4 yrs) so that always help me when I have to figure things out, and I also read a lot that always seem to help me when I go through relationship issues... but I have also been hitting the heavy back just to release my anger... hey it works pretty well, so staying acting is good!! anyway good luck and keep your head up you will get through it and you come out a better person. Trust me you are young and you still have your whole life ahead of you!!
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Northern, I am afraid we are living the same life.
Update: 3 days ago she came to my house and broke down histerically, claiming what she did was wrong, and how we should be together. The weakness inside of me embraced her and we had a marvelous night. She slept with me. The following day, she did it again. To keep the story short, I am back where I was a week ago, and learned something very important in the process. It is one thing to be cut, it is another thing to pour salt. My bitterness is helping me recover. Im having a very difficult time remaining strong, I desire to be around people, mainly my friends, but I feel they are very unsympathetic to my situation. I don't want pitty, I don't even want to talk about it, I just would like and could use the company. They don't return my calls and flake on plans we make. |
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What happens is,she's using you mate,not intentionaly maybe,but she is,she gets lonely too,and you're the easy way out of that for her,but on HER terms.That,of course,sucks.And,if you let her,she's going to keep doing this occasionally until one day she meets-and she will-some guy she's interested in and it all ends in tears and even bigger heartbreak-for you.
If you could distant your feelings you could maybe do the same thing she does,keep on sleeping with her and looking out for something else,whilst keep having a life. Or cut yourself loose completely. I think it's too soon and you're too much into her still to do 1,and right now she has all control AND KNOWS IT. Whatever you do,the most important thing right now is to keep your cool.B E C O O L. Absolutely no tears,cries,sms,mails and sh!t anymore.By now she should-and does-know Everything,how much you love her and what kind of guy you are,nothing more to prove here,trying is perceived the wrong way in situations like this.. |
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Hey Shake,
Yea, it really truly sucks... But one thing I will say is that I have recovered better from it than I thought. Like you said, the bitterness helps you recover. You kind of see them for what they are really doing. They are just that, LONELY. And ka1111 is right, as soon as they find another guy that catches their eye they are out of here. Last night my ex sent me a text... "i'm lonely :( " That really just showed me what it was. She didn't say I miss you or I want you, she said I am lonely. I shouldn't even have texted her back but I just told her this is what she wanted and I can't help her with that. I never got a reply... I guess all I can say is try to get out with people as much as you can. That really sucks that your "friends" are doing that too you. I have to say that what really helped me was talking to my friends about it until I became bored with the subject. Family is also good for this too. Granted my friends would tell me to shut up about it sometimes, they do have their limits. I am proud to say I went out last night and didn't bring her up once... well except when she texted me but they thought that was amusing as well. Be strong now, and know that when she comes on to you it is only because she is lonely... Unless she unequivocally says she wants to get back together with you. However after what she put me through my answer is now a NO! |
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Check out:::
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ Sorry this is happening to you, but rest assured that you are not the only one. We have all gone through this and some of us more than once in our lives. See the link above? It's the starting page of the Relationships Section, and the first four entries are so-called 'Stikies'. These threads were composed by valued members to reflect what most of us all have gone through and a lot of work was put into these to help those of you who experience this for the firt time, so please take some time to read the initial post in them. Whether you are the ''dumpee'' or ''dumper'', they are beneficial. You seem very intelligent and articulate - despite your current heartache. I am sure that you too, in time, will achieve a better state of mind - with or without her (and that is still an open issue from what I read). We all need SPACE at times to reflect and think about things without outer influence. You should respect that. Don't be pushy and don't be cruel just because you are hurt by this 'rejection' and being alone. Take this 'alone' period to reflect and collect a little yourself and re-balance your universe. You are going through the stages, and the initial part is anger and fear of being alone, then depressed and betrayed. Not all girls leave a guy for another guy (that is however the most popular excuse guys use because it gives them something 'real' to blame things on). You can give her the space she requested and hope that she sees what she's missing. Or you can make a 'clean break' and prepare yourself for an emotionally bumpy ride until you get your confidence and independence back. Nevertheless, remember that you are NOT the only one in the world this is happening to, and that you will eventually survive it - I promise! Stay with us and let us know how you are coping day by day if need be.. but please don't distract yourself with imagination and second-guessing her or her motives - that is counter productive and will not help you at all. I know all this is easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere to get one foot after the other started again towards your future life. Good luck, and as I said, keep us posted. 
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I think that this was GOING to happen sometime.
Not to knock her resume but Hooters and Swimsuit modeling are not the most intellectual of pursuits and she seems to be strong and impulsive and exciting but not one with a real view of consequences and plans. In her defense though, she is YOUNG, and making mistakes is part of life. I do not think that you all should be thinking marriage until you can be thinking about peace of mind. You will thank her later for giving you this time to step back and get some life perspective. lay back. Be cool... she is confused and dangerous. You really need to create space to see that your value is higher than you think - and she needs to be working to get you or it's her loss. |
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 Originally Posted by gg23
 Good points. As humans, we will never be exempt from emotional turmoil - but as humans there is always the option to learn and grow from them.
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Originally Posted by Shakedown24
Try going to a poolhall, take up bowling, swimming, or go to a park and meet other people. Just don't make the mistake of talking relationships. Nobody likes to have to take sides or stop their own fun taking time to cheering you up. In time, your friends will return and 'act' normal - if you really want to call it that. The responsibility in healing is your's... and here is where you can safely vent without turning anyone away - and we are here 24/7 - how about them apples?? Being a little ironic here, but I'm 57, and wonder how the heck I survived it this far without a site like AMHD and the support that is given without judgement. So, dear despite what you are going through - consider yourself lucky in many ways - because we are here to help you. Until next time...
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I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, keep on the with no contact.. and she seems very selfish to be putting you in the middle of her confusion and loneliness, don't let her mess with you..
Good luck, and continue to update us, it helps other people to see your progress as the days go by, thanks! |
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Its been about two weeks since it happened. I don't cry anymore. Things were actually getting easier for me. I spent a good amount of time with my friends and have been doing a decent job concentrating on my studies.
Since yesterday, though, I feel like I'm going backwards. Im feeling lonliness and am experiencing borderline depression. I don't want to leave the house or laugh at jokes. I don't know why all of a sudden I am feeling this way again. I thought the process was progressive and that I would only improve with time. Im not sure how to shake this off. Is this normal? I think about her a lot and miss seeing her. I don't want to continue typing for I feel I will shed some tears. |
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Yes, it's normal to feel down on your road to recovery. You can't always expect yourself to feel great every single day.. just understand that everyone goes through that now and then. You were distracting yourself, which is good, it got your mind off things, but things slow down sometimes in our lives and that allows us to stop and remember and think about our sadness. IT'S OK though!! You can't be in denial 100% of the time in your recovery, you need to get to a point where you can think of her and not feel upset.. give yourself time and go ahead let the tears flow!
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