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chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 07:28 AM

Thank you guys for talking to me and helping me out,this has really taking it toll on me,I can hardley sleep or eat when I do I just throw it up,I'm trying everything and all of your guys advices are helping so much,please keep them coming,I take my vows very serious for better or worse and right now we have hit the worse stage,I mean there is a part of me that wants to go then there is a part that wants to stay and then another part don't know what to do.that man I married is still there the loving guy one that hasn't abused me like in my past (exs)and I haven't spent 4 yrs of my life with him for nothing.

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 07:34 AM

It sometimes feels easier to just walk away. That is why your heart is pulling at you. Just walk away and the heartache will be over. Well, that just isn't true. Natural, but not true.

And remember that it didn't get like this over night, it won't be fixed over night. The two of you have lost sight of each other. You have to do what ever you can to find each other.
I truly believe that if you can find a way to communicate with one another and learn to like each other again, the rest will fall into place.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 29, 2007, 07:40 AM

I fill your pain and I will continue to pray for you.
Work on the letter. It does not have to be perfect, tell him what is on your heart. Tell him you love him and you are worried about the state of your marriage.
Ask him what you can do to make things better for him.
It would be good if you two could make the time for counseling again. He also needs to continue with AA. It may not be a bad idea for you to get counseling for yourself. Keep checking in here, we will encourage and help as much as we can.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 07:44 AM

I agree with you there when we said it was over and I should leave it like to have killed me and I didn't know what to do all I did was cry and feel numb .and then he came home from work to take my daughter to school cause she missed the bus and we just have one car he told me not to call and see if I could borrow money from my grand parents so I could get to Ga that we needed to talk and that's when we decided to give it another try.. talking about things we are getting better at and we are going to start writing,but sense I cought him with the porn I can't look at him that much,I want to tell him but then again I am scared to

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 07:46 AM

Do you guys have a date night? If not, make that part of your routine. It can be tough, I know, but if you can get out and just go to dinner maybe twice a month, it can help.
We get so caught up in the daily grind, that we forget to do things like that.
There are days that I feel tied to my house, or I can't do this because of my daughter's schedule, but you have to STOP and breath. You can come up with a million reasons of why you can't do something. STOP THAT!
Arrange for a sitter, make a reservation at restaurant and MAKE it happen.
Do something fun, like go bowling or something. You will feel better at the end of the night.

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by chelle64014

but sence I cought him with the porn I can't look at him that much,I want to tell him but then again I am scared to

If the porn thing is bothering you this much, then don't be afraid to talk to him. Again, the trick is to tell him how it made you feel. Not go in and be argumentative. Just something like this...
"hey, honey, I need to talk to you about something that is bothering me. The other day, I saw you on a porn site. And, because of what we are going through right now..it made me feel very insecure. Like I am not enough. I don't like feeling this way. I want to be enough for you so you don't feel like you have to go to those kinds of sites. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. I want to be the one that makes you happy. When I saw you looking at those other women, I felt like you wanted to be some where else. It scared me alot. I need reassurance from you. "

Something like that. Don't be afraid. I know you don't want a fight, but it doesn't always have to be one.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 08:06 AM

It does bother me and like I said I think he was going to again this morning because the site was up but he heard my son and shut it off.. I know he isn't cheating in that department I trust him because he never gave me a reason not to trust him and I do believe he doesn't want to make love to me because he wants it to be more than just sex to him.. I try to think of his needs but what do I do about mine?

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 08:15 AM

Well, your needs are important, of course. Marriage, though, isn't always "what can you do for me". It is a give and take. If you give, chances are so will he.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 29, 2007, 08:16 AM

Talk to him about it then. As NowWhat says, let him know how it makes you feel. Men are noy going to read your mind. If they don't know something bothers you unless you tell them. This can be a big obstacle and he needs to know how it makes you feel.
He says he wants more than sex, that is all porn is.
Maybe you guys can try no sex, just touching and kissing hugging, just being close to each other. Make it a game. Do this every night for a week. Learn to be intimate with each other.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 08:21 AM

I will try this,I know last night he was picking at me a little,a play thing we use to do,is that a good sign?

NowWhat · Nov 29, 2007, 08:41 AM

Try not to pick apart every action. (it's hard I know). Just enjoy your time. Those moments that give you a bit of hope.

chelle64014 · Nov 29, 2007, 09:06 AM

OK I will try this and keep you guys posted on everything.. and like I said thank you very much you all have really helped me out and if you have anymore suggestions please leave them

chelle64014 · Dec 3, 2007, 05:47 PM

Hi all thanks again for writing me and helping me out... well so far so good we are actually talking instead of yelling and fault finding,so far everything is going good we went out Saturday night which was great we are going to try to get out alone at least once a month,but please if anyone has any advice please leave it for me thanks again

NowWhat · Dec 3, 2007, 05:57 PM

That is really great news. Keep up the good work.
Making time for each other seems like such a simple thing to do. But, it isn't always that easy. I would put it on my calendar, just like you would for anything else that is coming up. Plus, you have something to look forward to.

And, Just keep talking.

talaniman · Dec 3, 2007, 07:55 PM

Curious, but what do you do when your husband is not home? Sounds as if you have no friends, or hobbies to distract you when your at home. The worst thing we can do is tie our happiness to, our partners and expect them to change things. I think it starts with you being happy by yourself, and knowing yourself, and loving yourself. Only then can you love your spouse, and pay enough attention to know how to communicate, and learn how to work together. In your earlier posts, you make excuses as to not being able to find the time to build intimacy between the two of you. This happens when the two of you are not on the same page, and are not paying attention to the other because of your own needs that aren't being met. Intimacy comes when the two of you are communicating in a non-confrontational caring, honest way, and a simple hand on his arm during a shared moment speaks volumes. It takes a lot of time and practice to get on that level, but you can do it. First start with you having a life that you enjoy without his presence, and for gosh sakes a hobby, and some friends, would do your self-esteem wonders. I bet if you were happy, he would change his attitude, and there is no reason why you can't be happy with yourself, and learn to communicate that to your spouse. Things cannot change over night, but little by little you can make progress, if you pay attention, and are willing to do a little work.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 3, 2007, 09:28 PM

talaniman made some good points. Great Advice.
Keep up the good work. Find things to do for yourself as well. Your happiness should not rest in his hands alone.

chelle64014 · Dec 4, 2007, 06:48 AM

Hi talaniman.I just moved here in the kcmo area 3 months ago so I really don't have no friends yet,most of my friends are in Tennessee.I do call them and talk to them some or they will call me sometimes but that's about it,and as for hobbies you know in all honesty I don't have any anymore.. I use to like sitting and reading romance novels but I don't have time to do that anymore and I love going places also but there is only one car and he takes it to work,we are working on getting a second car so I can have one and I will be able to get out on my own without him ,I think the main reason that he takes me places is where I am not familiar with the Kansas city area yet,I have been going to this meeting that I think will help it is basically learning to deal with myself and how to deal with the surroundings around me.. I know that I have not helped this situation at all but I know I am not the only one that needs to change,but I am the one working the hardest to keep this marriage together... I do show my husband affection when he comes home from work I ask him how his day was and I give him a hug also and kiss,the intamicy between us is getting better,when we had intamicy again,my husband said that it felt like more than sex to him and he hopes it stays that way.. thanks you guys I love your alls advice

talaniman · Dec 4, 2007, 11:35 AM

I know I am not the only one that needs to change,but I am the one working the hardest to keep this marriage together...

Relocation has to be hard on you both as adjustment will take time, Hang in there, and recognize you can change no one but yourself, and the fact that he is still there trying, is evidence that he is committed to do what he can. Maybe not in the way you want him to, but the best way he can. Talk, listen and help each other to work together.

cerisa · Dec 4, 2007, 12:34 PM

Chelle. Remember why you two got together in the first place. Treat each other as the lovers you were then. All the time. No special occasion, all the time. Complaints and blame are very destructive to your marrige. We all mess up, big ways and small ways. Usually we are all too aware of our mistakes, it stings to have them pointed out constantly. Don't be critical. Bite your tongue. Make it a habit. In the interest of a calm and happy homelife, hopefully he will do the same.
Make time for yourselves. Even at home, tuck the kids in early once in a while, cuddle with your sweetie.
Talk to him about the porn, it should never take the place of your sex life, never be exposed to children.

chelle64014 · Dec 4, 2007, 03:43 PM

I admit he is trying and he still gets his temper and is critical of himself and I try to talk tohim but then when he rambles on about other things I just keep my mouth shut.. I still have the letter in my notebook about the porn,he hasn't finished his letter yet so I haven't showed him that yet,I haven't seen him do it anymoreand in all honesty I am scared to mention it to him afraid of him getting angry and use getting into an argument... as far as the kids seeing the porn they never have.yes that's one thing working on myself and I am slowly working on that...